I have a sinus infection, and my day nurse canceled for all of this week. But I was determined I wouldn't miss Audrey. Truth is, I would show up for Audrey no matter what. If I was hit by a missile or something and then had to drag my bleeding body to school, I would. I really want to see Audrey. Today I wanted to give her my book of poems.
So today I showed up at 12:15 at the usual place, brought the book to give her......couldn't find you, looked all her.....waited til 1:00, sitting outside alone....
She didn't show up.
I wrote her an email when I got home. She wrote back, she was sorry, she's just totally overwhelmed with cramming to finish her papers all due tomorrow before spring break. I wish I could help her.
Good news is, I was so depressed already before this, I can't get any more down. I'm already at bottom. It just feels like "oh well," another thing, just more of same, no change. I really feel like none of my peers care if I exist or not. Uuggh....
I've got to find a way to reach out and find people who want me around.
You have to stop thinking that Audrey's not showing up is about you. She is a student. Students are under pressure. Don't add to her pressure by laying on a guilt trip when she has to make school and not you her priority - or you will lose her altogether. and that is the case for your other firends at school too. Remember good friends stay good friends even if they get too bust for awhile to get together.
I didn't guilt trip her at all, I totally sympathized with her (I know how it is) and said it was all cool in my message.
She should never have to be burdened with all my crap, so I keep it all totally hidden from her. I'm a quiet type of person. I just talk about it here.
I just hope Audrey isn't one of the people I like on my campus who are too busy to talk to me ever and after a semester or two I give up. I've been down that road many times.
Don't go completely overboard in keeping everything from her. When you are together you need to share stuff with her. If you don't share with her your soul she wil never know you.
Today she writes she can't meet until Wednesday after break. Two weeks. sigh. I'll miss her, but hope she has a great break.
Nick
Nick (no login)
Long update from Nick April 2004
April 9 2004, 7:15 AM
The nurse who was such a problem on evening shift went from worst enemy to best ally when we fired her. Once we made it clear stuff had to change, she got it, understood, and now is great. Weird.
But my day nurse, who I thought was cool wiith everything, freaked when she learned I wanted to go meet with the agency in person. I explained to her I wasn't going to criticize nurses and just wanted to meet so I could take the reins of the scheduling, but she was totally anti-the whole thing. She called in injured the next day and hasn't been back since. Now, two weeks have passed. Unless she comes back, I will not be able to go to school again this upcoming week or probably this semester.
They have a replacement but she is bad and may be stealing my meds and will not stay here much longer.
The reason I've been so timid isn't because I don't want change, isn't because I suck, it's because know that the slightest change I make may lead to me not going to school again.
The agency system here is really bad, for everyone, not just me. I'm not singled out or special here. Because of the very low pay, you mostly get nurses who got kicked out of the higher-pay jobs. Hospital and nursing home burnouts or people too incompetent to hold other jobs.
All the BS this semester has really worn me down and I had to drop one class and take an incomplete in another. I can only wage so many battles at once.
I'm still trying to help out Chris' family too. And a zillion other things. Most of my activism I don't list out, I just do.
And of course 99% of my brain is used to think about females. :D
I've been thinking about my pattern with girls.
In high school, very strong feeling for a girl named Melissa. Never told her, now she's gone.
College. Jenn. She changed me. Very powerful. Opened me up and triggered all this feeling. Never told her. Annie. Never told her. Now Audrey. Never told her. It may never be right/appropriate to tell any of them, but them finding out too late would suck. I would never want to make them uncomfortable, I think they only see me a friend and hasn't occured to them I want them. I don't know. I really wish I could break the pattern without hurting them.
It's very emotional. Last year I had this dream I told Jenn how I feel and we hugged and she totally accepted me and I started crying it was so powerful. This is about ... hmm ... like ... my acceptance as a full, valid human being. For me it's emotional and waaay deeper than most guys my age seem to think of relationships as.
Anyhow, I will keep working as hard as I can, push as hard as I can, do as much as I can. I try soo hard.
A guy is going to take me out Wednesday for a drink so that's good, I look forward to it.
I have no idea what's in store next week or week-by-week. We'll see. If I am unable to go to school I don't know if I will see Audrey. I'm trying to be optomistic; maybe whatever is trapping my feelings and holding it all in
Update: they say my day nurse is coming back Monday, so I will be able to go to college again, see Audrey Wednesday, and not have the other nurse! yay!
Sorry Nick, I know that must hurt a lot. She's in a new semester with evidently a lot of work - keep in touch with her via email. A student's life can be overwhelming at times. Just give her some space and try to be patient.
i just came back from wandering in the student center alone trying to find someone to talk to during the audrey time. couldnt find anyone....
now I'm writing to you Susan...
help
This is excruciating. I can't even describe the pain I feel. This has happened to me so soo many times, my entire life. And it's not just a girl thing, it's an everyone thing. Jenn, too busy, can't see me. Ernie, too busy, can't see me, then he graduated. Jonathan, too busy, can't see me, he graduates soon. I have others I never hear from too, they are too busy. My own father is often too busy to talk to me even though he's unemployed. Now Audrey cannot even give me 30 minutes a month, she is too busy.
They say they're busy, but if you listen to them, they will talk about the fun they had last weekend. it's BS. it's just priorities. and i am not one. people i know have parties this weekend. invitation only. i am not invited so can't go.
Meanwhile I just made history again. i got the first Alabamian in Congress to ever sign on to a home care bill in history, the Congressman credits me for this. and i'm nominated for a Hearne award. I will be on local TV again for my accomplishments. the bizarre contradiction continues.
screw it. no one cares. of course i'm depressed.
but I'll keep trying. eventually i'll find people who actually want me to be around them, right? I'll keep trying.
Nick,
We are all social beings. You seem to gravitate to the most social of beings.Maybe you need to try to be the resource to others - rather than the person seeking people out.
Is there a cafeteria on campus? What about announcing a group to discuss something students are interested in. Something not necessarily disability related - something of interest to a wider community. Meet over dinner. You have demonstrated the skill to get things organized and moving. Is there a problem students face on campus --poor transportation? Too few evening classes? Not enough social activities? No student commuter community? No childcare facilities? Have a focus group to discuss what students need and want on campus. Then help organize to get something accomplished on campus.
Don't expect to call a meeting and have a herd of people show up. Maybe only one person will show -maybe no one. Have it again in two weeks. Keep having it. You are a change agent. Use that ability to change your environment to the benefit of others on campus.
I want to report when happy stuff happens just as much.
It was a bad day, with the wandering alone and such, then me (successfully actually) getting the agency to give me the reins of my scheduling, Chris' mom bringing me a lot of Chris' stuff that she can't use now that he's dead, but it was a good night after all that very painful stuff blew over.
I've been preparing him for this and for the first time, Daniel who I know from poetry class, came and we went out to see a blues band at the club his brother manages. This is the Mississippi Delta region, and we heard real, hardcore Mississippi Delta Blues of incredible quality and authenticity, even from this unknown local band. Awesome. I'm talking really kick ass, classic, slide-guitar-driven blues. Gritty and soulful and intense and real. It would blow you away.
And before I even got out of the van, the band's lead guitarist recognized me and said "hey! it's news boy, boy from the news! I know you! I'm Larry." And we talked and he asked how the fight with Medicaid was progressing and I told him and he understood every word I was saying. He said a lot, but him saying "man ... that's some heart" sticks out. And he introduced me to the band. "This is Elijah, our singer, Rick on harmonica. Guys, this is Nick!"
It was a cool night. The club was small and had about 4 other people there. We sat about 4 ft. from the band playing. In between sets, Larry would talk to us and I'd ask him questions. He said now that his kids are grown he doesn't have to work and can play, do what he really loves.. He told me how he learned how to play from the black blues bands who invented the stuff. It was great. We left and they walked us out and hope we come again when they play every third Wednesday.
I told Daniel I'm recognized a lot around here but he was impressed.
Daniel proves there's one person at college who isn't too busy to go out with me, which is good. He works full time, takes a full load of upper-division classes, has a girlfriend and he is overwhelmed with school too (classes end in early May) but he still made time for this.
One disturbing thing. Daniel mentioned he knows Audrey's boyfriend pretty well. Audrey had a boyfriend this whole time! I didn't know! DAMN. This explains a lot. Oh well, it kind of helps give me closure, and shows me it's not because of me that she is so distant.
The band's rendition of BB King said it well:
"The thrill is gone
It's gone away from me
The thrill is gone baby
The thrill is gone away from me
Although I'll still live on
But so lonely I'll be
.....
You know I'm free, free now baby
I'm free from your spell
I'm free, free now
I'm free from your spell
And now that it's over
All I can do is wish you well"
hahah, I still have my sense of humor, right?
Overall, it was a good night. I savor the good nights; they have been few.
Getting out really helped me. It cleared my head and allowed me to see a wider view for a while. A problem for me is that we as people focus on the last thing that happened in our lives. And when your last thing happened two weeks ago, a lot of stewing inside goes on. This gave me a new thing that happened and cleared me out.
I plan to work on my confidence, improve myself, and keep trying to get out and keep trying to meet people and give to them. I've been trying to do that, give them my time, energy listening, anything. If you want a friend, be a friend.
And I am sorry about Audrey - but this does explain alot. My guess is she felt your vibes and knew you were getting serious - and she felt trapped because she had never told you the truth -and now it was too late. When you get the chance to see her again - drop a hint that you know she has a boyfriend and maybe she will feel as if she can be firends with you again. ( Boyfriends don't always last.)
School is out. My 6th yr of college done, and this is all there is. I've been nowhere since Daniel took me to see the band. That's a long time. too depressed to function. dropped one class and got incomplete in my 3 others. i'm weak. nothing more to say.
meanwhile more groundbreaking advocacy accomplishments so huge you wouldn't believe.
I'm sorry you're feeling so trapped and had such a hard time with classes. Atleast with the incomletes you will have time to finish them---what is your plan for that???
- I got the US Congressman from Mobile to cosponsor MiCASSA. First Alabamian to sign on to a home care bill in history. Jo Bonner (R - AL dist 1)
- I'm supposed to keynote speak in Minneapolis for a special NCIL conference on youth advocacy in July. I can give speeches but not attend stuff, I'm like dorothy dandridge.
- the kaiser foundation - they're probably the biggest health care advocacy org in DC, they run TV commercials about the uninsured, etc.
well, I had my allies in DC give a presentation to the kaiser board about Chris and his death.
- I will be on local TV again for my accomplishments.
- bigger news involving my P&A that I'm not sure I can share publicly. I will tell you privately. but if it happens, I'll make history again.
- i'm chair of Mobile Independent Living Ctr advocacy committee. i took control, and outlined our plan to get MiCASSA-ish legislation passed in Alabama in three years. *sigh* just don't have a lot of energy....lonely....same as any otiher day.....
I work my ass off. Seriously. I'm always pumping on all cylinders and doing the best I can. I'm at absolute Nick capacity and can't do more than I am now, can't take on new projects, new tasks, can't reach out to people more than I am now. I'm trying hard. I give and give. This is the best I can do -- and I know it's not enough. I've barely got enough support to stay alive in my family house, much less independently.
I am trapped. I haven't been out of my house other than for a final exam since Daniel took me out to see the band that night. It's typical, and extremely brutal. Last summer I went to DC and accepted the NAPAS award for best self advocate in America, then I spent THREE MONTHS stuck here. I cried a lot, it was horrible. But typical. I should be used to it after 13 years but the isolation gets harder to tolerate as I get older, not easier. :'(
I can't take another summer like that one. It's been a long time alone and another long summer ahead. I can't do this.
I try and this is it. This is not my fault, I am doing my best. One-way efforts aren't working. I need someone else to try for once or this is never going to change. I just need one person to reach out to me. Audrey got word I'm depressed when she asked mom how I'm doing, wrote me last week and was really supportive, saying don't give up finding my niche, I've "got a lot to offer and a very strong will." I'll always have strong positive and admiring and loving feelings toward her. I wrote back last week, nothing yet. Many geniunely seem to want me to succeed and find my niche, as long as my niche is not with them. People don't want to be around me, I'm a hideous outcast leper or something. Chris' funeral keeps coming back to me. All these friends who didn't have time to help or talk to Chris (too busy) suddenly had time to show up now that it was too late to help him. Is that my fate too? Will someone start giving a damn post-mortem? If not this year, when? Sitting here alone for the last near-month with four months minimum of isolation ahead, it really feels like no one gives a shit if I'm alive or dead. Does anyone really care?
Yes I'm very tired and pushing all this without support, and depressed, but I promise I will keep trying at my full level to end this hell. I always try my best.
:'(
Nick
Here, I wrote this poem after giving the TASH keynote:
Thousands of golden chairs
fade into the distance before me
I sit on stage
truths reluctantly
reverbate off
Hilton chandeliers
Thousands of golden people fade again
into the distance before me
is it over, or did it ever begin?
Chandeliers fade to black metal
the electronic wall that
blocks as it liberates
and it's another long December
gray, alone,
I'm longing for spring.
Silvery droplets gather on my arm
from winter sky,
crying chrome moon.
I hate and love
this world of
plastic saints and
earthy nymphs holy,
cherish my
gossamer opportunities
to live and feel,
rage against my
cage, darkness,
keep reaching, going, flowing,
water rolls, parts for
the dull black hair on
my wrist,
I'm feeling a little more optomistic today. Comes and goes. I've written down what it would take to move out and live independently this summer, getting organized. Wish I had someone to talk to.
Peace, and keep up the good work.
Nick
Clay (no login)
Re: Update
July 25 2004, 5:43 PM
Hey Nick, man I never realized how rough things are for you. I hope that eventually you are able to work out your troubles and not slip into chronic depression. I also hope that you don't consider killing yourself, because it would be waste to lose someone with such deep insight into the world. After reading your story like posts, I have to say, you seem like a perfect image of Christ. You genuinely want to help others, but you can't seem to get through to them. Don't worry its not your fault. People aren't ready to hear from insightful beings like yourself.
I can understand to some extent as to what you are going through. I have had some rough times myself, but I try my best not to let that bring me down into a depressed state. Don't give up hope, one day you will meet the right girl who will love you for the unique person that you are.
Clay (no login)
Re: Update
August 1 2004, 2:38 PM
Susan, I remember you mentioning that you and Nick are good friends. Can you ask him to respond to some of my messages. I'm interested in hearing how he's coping and what he thinks of some of the things that I have been saying on this forum. Thanks.