I dont think you will remember me, but I made a few posts in the forum last year, and you really helped me. Susan, see below an old post of mine and your reply.
On the rebound?
April 17 2003 at 9:13 PM Paul (no login)
from IP address 198.54.202.2
Recently (December) my girlfriend and I tried to have sex, but it was pretty much unsuccesful. We had a long distance relationship and only got to see eachother every second weekend or so. But we were lucky enough to be able to spend a holiday together. It had been a few weeks since I last saw her and we were speaking on the phone and I could tell something was wrong. She told me that she was late and that she had taken a home pregnancy test and was indeed pregnant. She was on the pill and I used a condom. But I knew there was still a chance. My life just sunk. It came to a stop really. The next day she told me she was only 'joking'. That broke my heart. I did break up with her a few days later. It is now 4 months later and I still think of her sometimes. I regret it sometimes. I feel guilty. I promised her I wouldnt break up with her after we had sex. But I did. I feel bad.
Recently I have started to chat to a girl in America (I am in South Africa) and we have really hit if off. She is also just out of a relationship. We really like eachother and we have told eachother that we are in love. I want to be with her. But i cant help but doubt it sometimes, like, will it be the same when I meet her in person.
Do I just like her cause I am on the rebound and still feel guilty and need someone to help me forget about my previous relationship?
Re: On the rebound?
April 18 2003 at 12:48 PM Susan (Premier Login Xuxan)
Forum Owner
from IP address 68.21.40.85
#1 You have nothing to feel guilty about. Breaking up with your x-girlfirend was a smart thing to do. Telling you a lie about being pregnant is inexcusable. She i s immature and not ready to be in a serious relationship.
#2 This new relationship could be rebound--and that is OK. Just take things slow. Don't make any big commitments. Now here is some advice from someone who knows---I went to live with a man I met over the internet I fell in love with - I jumped the pond too- but the reverse direction.)
Email a minimum of 4-6 months before you make a big trip to meet.
Have at least 3 phone calls before you make plans to meet.
( People are different on the phone.)
Do a background check - maske sure she is who she says she is. This isn't about trust - this is about safety.
Discuss the hard stuff --money, religion, children. Makesure you REALLY understand each other's cultures. It is fascinating to talk to each other--but will it be fascinating to live for the rest of your life with that other culture.
When you finally do make a trip to meet. Don't make any big decisions until you get home and have at least a month to think about it. She may seem absolutely perfect--but in the throes of the moment lots of things seem great that after a little reflection are not so great.
A long distance relationship needs at least 2 years before you get permanently serious. ( Not a bad idea for a short distance relationship either.)
Hope this helps! Relax and have fun. Don't jump to quickly into a serious new relationship!
Susan
------------------
Well, here is a little update.
Her and I are going to meet in July of this year. I have been working and saving up to travel to meet her. I have purchased my plane ticket and are in the final stages of getting my visa. We have continued our long distance relationship with emails, hours of online chatting, letters, phone conversation and have sent photos and parcels. So we are really excited about meeting. I will be staying with her for 3 and a half weeks in which time we hope to get better aquainted and see where our relationship will take us. Im really looking forward to our first kiss. (nervous shake). We both know that it might not work out, but I would rather try than just give up before ever meeting her. Its a big and expensive risk.
So thats all good.
But recently I have been thinking about this other girl at work. She isnt like my girlfriend. She is so much more sexual and physical. Like, she rubs my back and touches my arm. I dont do anything back to her. The other day she told me that she wants to kiss me. Now I was very flattered by that, and to be honest am a little tempted. But I know it would be so stupid! Anything with this new girl would be short term. I cant even imagine a long term relationship with her... she is just too different from me. I think I can handle that. Im not going to do anything, and we both know that. But, Im starting to fantasize about this girl and think how it could be if I was with her. I feel so guilty. I catch myself staring at her sometimes, or admiring her body. I was never like this.
What can I do? Is it bad for me to think about other girls like that?
Yes, I do remember you - and I am glad things are working put so well so far.
With this new girl, I imagine two things could be happening here.
1. You are about to meet the women you think you want to spend the rest of your life with. A part of you probably wants to have one last fling before you take this long distance relationship(LDR) the next step. ( Absolutely nothing wrong in that - if you've made no committment to each other (and I hope you haven't) - you are still free to see other people. If I were you though- this is not something I would talk to either women about.
2. Opposites attract. This new girl is unlike any women you have been attracted to before, and unlike your long distance love. Dating the new girl is a way to test what you think is really important in a relationship. Dating her would probably be a good thing to help you clarify what your feelings really are about differences -because my guess is that after you meet your LDR you will discover you to have some major cultural differences to work through.
So I say go for it. Having a date ( or even 5 or 10 dates) does not mean committment. But this is one of those things I would not write about to your LDR about. She is probably feeling really insecure right now - along with being excited and thrilled to be meeting you.
Please keep me up-to-date with what happens. I am so excited for you!
Susan
(no login)
Re: A follow up on last year
May 15 2004, 4:39 PM
Thank you Susan for your response
You say I should 'date' this new girl. Well... the way I see it, that would be cheating. I try to stay as devoted to my girlfriend in America. Like I said, I feel guilty even when I look at this new girl. I never touch her, I never touch any girl. I dont give massages or anything like that. I play with her hair a lot, but thats cause I love hair.
What if it were the other way round? (im gonan use fake names) Kim in America went out on a date with another guy? I would be absolutely heart broken. We also broke up in December when she told me she kissed her friend. We worked that out... it wasnt really a kiss in my definition of the word.
I cant 'date' this new girl.
She gives me attention at work and I love it. She makes me arroused, without really trying. T=Just her touching my arm gets me excited. I have thought about kissing her, but it would be wrong.
Meh... I wish Candice would like go away or something.
I think you are making a BIG mistake trying to have a relationship with just one girl in America you haven't even met yet. A big part of any relationship is physical chemistry - and you have no idea if you have that.
Here's a few examples for you:
I met this guy online, talked on the phone, and thought I had met the man of my dreams. We met. I could barely look at him I was so turned off by him. It was not anything specific - just not the kind of guy I could possibly see myself with. It was partly his looks, partly his mannerism, partly his voice - we just didn't click in person the way we had online and on the phone. This has happened to me more than once.
And then there was the guy I met from England. I loved him more than I thought possible. He stepped off the plane and I saw him for the first time and my heart sunk. He too was absolutely nothing I could imagine myself being with (dress, demeanor, look) - but the difference was - when I heard his voice I melted - and when he kissed me I knew I was in love. And suddenly I thought he was the most handsome man on earth!
There is no understanding love.
This girl at work sets your heart onfire. If the girl in America is the one for you she will be forgotten when you meet her because the fire she lights is even hotter. And if its not, it is important that you know that now.
You are in for a rollercoaster ride of emotions - the better you know yourself - the better you will be able to handle it. Don't try to force this to be the right relationship with the girl in America by having no others if it is meant to be it will be.
Susan
(no login)
Re: A follow up on last year
May 15 2004, 5:16 PM
Hmm... why cant life just be simple?
pff
Ok, what I am gonna do is not do anything with Candice and go to America to be with Kim. See how it is, and then come back home and see what happens. These feeling for Candice are purely physical. It's lust, not love. Sexual frustration talking. That isnt a relationship. Thats not the type of person I am.
Who knows... maybe when I come back from the states things will be different. For now I just musnt do anythign I will regret lately. I will never forgive myself.
Thank you Susan for your help. I hope to be as happy as you are with your husband. Who knows... maybe one day Kim and I will get married.
=)
Sadly, we didn't get married, but we lived together for three years. It was 3 of the best years of my life. But there were differences I could handle - he could not - and in the end we went our separate ways. I still love him though. I think I always will.
Lust is not a bad thing you know. Lust can be the first step to a wonderful relationship. This I know too. I have a 3 going on 4 year lust filled long distance relationship (but not as long as yours) with a person I could not be more different from.
Susan
(no login)
An update
August 29 2004, 7:05 PM
Hello Susan
Quick reminder... 19 year old male, living in South Africa
I thought I would give you an update what is happening. Well, I went to visit my girlfriend in America a few weeks back. After spending 23 hours on a plane I was at her local airport, shaking in anticipation of meeting her for the 1st time.
And then I saw her... she was even more beautiful than her pictures... we hugged, and smiled at each other for ages. We had clicked straight away.
I spent 3 weeks with her staying with her and her parents. I had a great time, and we enjoyed every moment we spent together.
Only a few hours after we had met we were kissing on the front steps of her house... it was fantastic. It was like another first kiss, but better.
She turned out to be far less conservative than I thought. We explored each other's bodies with great enthusiam. We never did had sex, although we both admitted we had stong urges to. We decided it was best not to as we didnt know what our future held. But we had much fun in other sexual ways. I was lucky to receive my first blow job, and it was great. She had the magic touch with me, and was fancinated and enjoyed my uncircumsized penis. I no longer have an inferiority complex after she enjoyed touching and playing with it so much.
I tried to bring her to orgasm a number of times, but was unsuccesful. But I remembered you Susan, saying that orgasm is not the point... pleasure is. I might not of been able to bring her to orgasm, but she certainly obtained pleasure, and we both felt great.
Also, I think if we were to of had sex I would not of had that problem I did last time with being unable to "get it up". I was calm mostly because of what you told me.. that it just happens, and not to worry, Take it slow, dont pressurize myself. Thank you Susan
After our 3 fantastic weeks together it was time for me to leave
I am now back home here in South Africa. I have some very hard decisions and choices to make regarding our future. I do not see us working out in the long run, and I have told her this. We have decided to let time be the judge. But I think I will most probally break up with her, as I do not see a future realistically possible, mainly due to the financial cost, and logistics. I do not know how long I can go again without seeing her. Its different now... I have seen her. -sigh- Life and love are tough.
Sometimes I think life would be so much easier if I won the lottery... then I could move to be with her, and study at the same university.
No one ever said life was supposed to be easy.
The other local lady that I was attracted too... well... that is doing much better. We kinda had a fight, and now she doesnt like me as much. I see her differently too... she screams sex appeal... and I think I am turned off by it. I dont like walking anywhere with her, because of the looks she gets. I would be far too jealous a boyfriend for her.
So that is good.
My eyes still wander... but nothing is wrong with windowshopping.
We will wait to see what the future has in hold for us....
I am so happy to hear form you. I am so glad you had such a good experience.
Since then I have had an awakening experince. The man I loved in England I could not get over. I had relationships with others - good relationships, but my heart still belonged to him. The love I had was not returned. My heart was broken and I thought it would never mend.
It has now been about 10 years since we first met. I keep a piece of my heart set aside for him - that is until recently. Every once in awhile I send him an email and hope he will respond. Sometimes he does with just a few lines. But recently he sent me a DVD of a film he created and I looked at this man and I said this is not who I love. In an instant it was over.
There has been about 6 years of pain remembering a wonderful relationship and wanting it to last. I thought I would live with the hurt forever. But it is done. He is now in my past and the book is closed.
I tell you all this because we tried very hard to make it work across cultures, continents, financial resources, and more. For three years we lived a life of bliss - and then he could just not do it anymore. It is really really hard for more reasons than you can't imagine. I don't discourage you from trying if you think it will work and you realisitcally have considered all the possible problems ---but if you have doubts - those doubts will be just a tiny part of the challenge when it becomes a fulltime relationship.
You had a great 3 weeks - put that in your memory book and keep the memories happy through an enduring friendship. Friendship is a very good thing - and who knows what could develop in the future when both of you are further along in your lives.