I ask him if he is now or has ever been married.

If he says he is divorced, I ask him what kind of relationship does he have with his ex-wife and how long has it been. If he badmouths his exwife or it is less than 2 years - I am not interested.If he take some responsibility for the divorce I am likely interested.


If he says he is widowed, I offer my sympathy, ask how, and how long. If it is less than 2 years I may be interested - but I am very cautious.

If he says he is single - I ask does that mean never married or divorced.

If he says he is married I ask him if he is in an open married. If he say no,or he is separated -- I let him know straight off I do not date married men who are not in open marriages- even if they are separated.

No matter what his marital status, I also ask him if he has any children. If he does I ask him how often does he see them. How old they are. What sexes they are.

If all this goes well - he passes the first test.

I knownot all agree with my choices- but this works for me.

Susan

Glad you took the time to clarify your position on dating.

See if I understand this correctly.

You are looking for a man who is not closely bound by any ties, religious, social or marital. Someone decent looking and healthy. A man that can be close to you when needed, but can give you distance and space so you can have time to work and think about things. A man that loves and supports kids ( especially yours) and loves you a lot. A super man near your age who really enjoys sex and is dedicated to your complete satisfaction. A man who understands your position in life and can accept you the way you are and not try to change you.. A guy you can trust anywhere, but can accept an open relationship, if desired, where it is okay to date others. A man who has a decent job, free of debt and excess baggage, and is well liked. Someone you can talk to, ask for advice and who supports your interests. It could be permanent or only temporary depending on how much of the above criteria is met.
True?

Gregorio,

Almost perfect. Social ties are ok - as long as they fit into the overall scheme of things. And as for looks - I really don't care - although I suppose I MIGHT be turned off by a really ugly guy - buit I have my doubts. Mostly I want a guy who either has no baggage - or he has a good relationship with his baggage.

Susan

Just for kicks, I compared and I flunked almost all your ideals. End of story.
It just seems that these ideals are more like what is practiced in other countries, like maybe Sweden or Russia.
It would seem if you found a mate 100% devoted to you; that gave you everything you needed, fulfilled your deepest secret fantasy, that you wouldn't care about dating outside the relationship and he would not either. It would be the last thing on your mind and his. Not the words: always open to a new relationship or have capacity to love beyond the relationship.
It seems that something is missing or just doesn't fit into the picture or you attract/ accept a certain type of person out of convenience/ necessity, on a temporary basis or simply, a good or right man is just too hard to find.

Gregorio,

Not sure what I am looking for is a Swedish or Russuan ideal. Just don't know.

I do know that my current lover of 4 years is born and bred here. And my last of 3+ years was from England. And prior to that they were all Americans as I recall now.

I really fail to see the issue. Here's some examples-----

I am in a restaurant with my lover and I see an enormously attractive man. It is OK for me to look him over. It is OK for me to mention that I think this guy looks incredible to my lover. He knows that my physical attraction to this guy means nothing - and he is not worried at all about it.

I meet a guy at an event I am at- we get to talking. He asks me out to dinner, and we go. I can tell my lover without qualms because he knows that this man has nothing to do with our relationship and takes nothing away from it.

I meet a guy and there is an instant connection. We go on a few dates and decide to have sex and more than just a friendship. My current lover can be told all about it - and he is secure in my loving him - and he is secure in the place he has in my life.

Personally I am much too busy to try to make a full-time relationship work. And I think it is a very BIG project to make a marriage to one person work. There are parts of you you have to shut down- there are parts of you you need to learn how to change/ compromise, you have to develop new parts to yourself.

In my current relationship I am taken as I am. We do not share everything - we share what we choose to share with each other. We share the parts in harmony.

If a time came when there was some part of me that I felt was unfullfilled and I knew he could not/ would prefer not to fullfill it - I do not have to go unfullfilled - I can get my fullfillment elsewhere. I still need him exactly as before.

It can sort of be compared to when you have a first child. You love that child with alll your heart and you give it all your attention. But then a day comes when you want another child to love. Do you have enough love - enough finances - enough space for another child? Yes- so you have another. We live in a culture of "one child" marriages - but I prefer to be allowed to have as many children as I want. It doesn't mean I have to have more than one child- it means I have that choice.


Susan

It's just that so much has changed since I was dating, I just can't adjust to it....so Susan please pardon me for asking.
Let's say my wife passed on. Later on , I decided to date. If I dated a woman that wanted to jump in the sack on the second date, I would be very nervous. I ask myself, how many others?

I've got to truly love someone deep before I have sex. I'm not after meaningless sex...it's not me. I would wait till it's right..no matter...the mental connection comes first.
I would have to suppress my animal instinct till I was sure.

Gregorio,

Animal instincts is one reason I prefer to meet men over the internet. First you get all the niceties out of the way - you make the intellectual connection - and then when you meet first in person- if there is chemistry - POW - go for for it.

A person who is willling to have sex on the first date with you - may not be willing to have sex on the first date with all. I have had sex on the first date many times, but I have also waited until the second, third, fourth or ever on others.

For many (me included) there are two kinds of sex - sex with a deep emotional connection and sex that is more recreational in nature.

In the open relationship I am in - the sex with my SO (significant other) is extraordinarily emotionally connected, but the sex I have had a half dozen times or so the past 4 years with others has been recreational. I knew these guys were not relationship material - but I liked them a lot - they understood exactly what my relationship was all about and we had a physical chemistry.

If you are still living after your wife passes on you willl in a way be (if you choose) in an open relationship. You will still have a lifetime relationship with your wife. You will not stop loving her. You may find you never are able to love again - but that doesn't have to mean you never have sex again (if you choose).

In some ways dating and sex is easier when you arer older --no potential babies to worry about.

So Niagara Falls might still be on?

Susan

Let me go over this slowly, easily, logically so I can assimilate this enlightening concept:
So, what you are actually professing is that after you have made a solid , mental connection by furiously writing back and forth, discussing all kinds of stuff...all this is a substitute for all that initial dating interaction including kissing and hugging, gazing into eyes, walks in the park, out to lunch and all that other stuff, now you are ready to get kinky with someone you've never even met or might not look at in real life. The guy could be uglier than the Hunchback of Notre Dame, hide in the shadows of the night, be a a reject from a leper colony, have body parts falling off on occasion, eating out of garbage cans, but type like a venerable 120 word per minute secretarial wizard with such alacrity, detail and suggestive imagery, got you so incredibly hot that he'll can be sure to get layed in the first 10 minutes. ( You've got to be laughing by now)


I used to date this girl and I really liked her. (I'm talking real dates where you actually touch..) I used to write back and forth to her cause I didn't have any wheels.. After we broke up, she got married a couple of times when I finally saw her again. Can you imagine? She was still reading my letters 7 years later and said she was happy but wanted to know if I would marry her. Words are indeed powerful.

Canadian or American?

If you ask Candian or American my bet is Canadian.

Let me tell you about John. John was married and in an abusive relationship. He was a dynamo in business, but passive at home. We talked online for hours each day - knowing that we were too far away to ever meet - it was very safe. I did everything I could to try to help him figure out a way to make his marriage work.

After a few months ( not sure how many as when we met is lost)- the verbal abuse became physical abuse and I told him he had to get out. I told him he was too good of a guy to put up with that shit. One night he called me in the middle of the night - she had thrown him out and we talked all night from his hotel room. ($600.00 phone bill.)

Well we rather instantly went from this safe friendship to a steamy cybersex relationship. The intellectual connection was there- and now so was the emotional.

After 4 months of cyber he said he had to meet me. And so he came and spent two weeks with me.

He got off the plane and my first reaction was oh my god this can't be him - he is ugly and looks so horribly conservative And then we kissed hello and I melted.

We had great sex within the hour. We had two weeks of heaven traveling about the state. And by the end of the two weeks we were discussing marriage.

Two months later I hopped a plane with my son and we moved there. We had 3 years of a blissful relationship where I became more British and he more American. But we didn't get married. And when British law changed and stopped allowing commonlaw marriage partnes to have extended Visas- we had to marry or my son and I had to leave. We left.

I was broken hearted and suicidal.

I came to understand that I was a transitional relationship for him from his divorce. With me he explored the farthest reaches of change from what he knew. But once the divorce was final and he was ready to move on - he came to realize that I represented something far different than what he wanted for the rest of his life. He wanted a "British wife", no children - especially one with disabilities, and a wife completely accepted by his freinds and family ( which I never was - they always considered me the cause of the marriage break-up.)

I have no regrets. He is a lovely man I feel very privileged to have known. He hurt me to my very quick - but that is the risk we take in love.

Susan

The Hunt
If I was looking, which I'm not, I'm a firm believer in actually meeting a woman and discussing life first. Sex is NOT my primary driver in life. You can't build a "house" without making a foundation first. Trying to catch up after sex has ruined many relationships.

Online stuff...
I do NOT believe in any cyber-only long distance relationships.They may work for some, but not me. I will never allow any woman online to call me honey, dear, darling or similar or to THINK she is in love with me.. I don't work that way. Im also not interested in any photos, seductive or otherwise. For me, cyber is out. No reason to try...it's hopeless. Chatting online after meeting is different.

Around the World....
I also don't believe in becoming serious with a person who has had one lover after another. I never dated women that way.
I don't care to be compared to many other guys. That's one of the reasons I stopped dating and rejected the girl I described earlier. And she was a stunning take-my -breath away- always had a woody- knockout. I can see why guys wanted her... she could have got anyone. Just beautiful. Similar to Shania Twain, maybe prettier..
Two weeks after I politely rejected her marriage proposal, she committed suicide. I felt bad, had tears, but it is a matter of lack of trust.

Open relationship...in this day and age...could be deadly.
No way, no how...not ever. Not my thing anyway.

Sex
To me sex is very serious. Love has to come first. It all takes time. Those who don't wait have no real security or bond to hold them together and happiness doesn't last. I don't believe in recreational sex. Never did.
My father destroyed his life for lust. Died a very poor, unhappy man with no real values.
I vowed I wouldn't be like him, and I'm not..
I knew/ know exactly what I wanted in life and worked hard to get it.