I am okay.

My lung was clogged and part of it collapsed, but I'm okay now. Lung is back, uncollapsed. I'm just weak and recovering.

To clarify -- I read the computer easily, my reading speed is fast. I read every post on this forum, typically every day.

But I may reply slower. I type by using a regular trackball mouse with my thumb, and clicking the letters on onscreen keyboard software on my screen. Clicking each letter can be time consuming (hours).

Anyhow, to Clay:

I read your post back when you first posted it, and I thought about it a long time, thinking of what to say. But I couldn't think of anything excellent to say, I have no expertise in this area, so I shut up. I do that a lot.

Basically I think what you're describing with your sister - occassionally grinding on her fully clothed - isn't really a big deal - unless you make it one. It sounds to be like pretty common experimenting people do as they adjust to new bodies - trying to figure out how to use new biology. Check out Meghan's recent post and Susan's response. I think it's normal to have *some* weird feelings for any person of your age group, even family, but the key is DON'T take it further than feelings. You didn't seem to do much, and even that is long in the past.

It isn't a big deal - unless you make it one. It sounds to me like you're torturing yourself with guilt over this and it's hindering you, warping you. Don't let it paralyze you. Let it go.

People - me included, I've learned first hand - tend to hang onto their past pain like it's worth something. Well it isn't worth shit. People gain nothing from holding onto pain and it is absolutely meaningless in the end. So let it all go. Move forward -- you're wrapped in opportunity to live and experience life.

Personally, I vigorously acknowledge the horrors in my past - denying or sugarcoating their existance, or weight on where I'm from only pisses me off - but I don't let them hurt me in the present. I just don't.

Having been near death so much in my past has made me live in the present so doggedly that I live in the present to a fault perhaps. I resist planning ahead for the future, which annoys some. I don't know what the future holds - or IF there'll be a future, so I don't plan long-term much and somehow the "oh, your life will be better in the future" comments don't make me happier. I can get pretty intense. The future doesn't exist yet. All I see is this room.

I don't live in the past, it can't hurt me anymore. I don't live inside nebulous, rosy future scenarios. I live in the present, and it's the present - the overwhelming desire, the no outlets, the no one to talk to - that hurts.

All the best Clay!
Love to you all.

Nick

STraight from the heart man!

Your right Nick, it's best just to let the past go and live in the present. Or else one day you wake up and wonder where has all the time gone? Just live life to the fullest and enjoy yourself.