i'm watching my health fade and my hopes fade with it. i'm pretty upset, and have even more desire now. makes me even more reevaluate my questions....
Like
"is okay for me to ask girls out / show interest?"
So far my whole life I've gone with "no," because just the thought of saddling a busy college girl with the responsibility and guilt of having me by their side makes me cringe. The girls I fall for I admire sooo much I can't stand the thought of hurting, guilting or even inconveniencing them. Asking a girl out, I can't do it, I feel it's cruel and for me finding the guts to ask a girl out is like finding the guts to make the first incision of neccesary surgery on a beautiful, defenseless puppy. So I'm stuck in this frustrating limbo.
Cruel because it'd tear them up rejecting me and they'd have to reject me since dating me would require so much accomodation, so much work, so much time, instead of me giving to them -- I can't much. So I'm hard pressed to ask that of them.
So I've tried hard to hide my feelings from girls which hurts but I keep it in.
There's been more than a few girls at college who've expressed admiration for my advocacy work, poetry, etc. and are friendly to me and that I share their interests, values, like to talk to, and that I'm very attracted to. Girls I'd give anything to touch their hand...their face...and tell them my feelings in poetic terms. Girls I'd be so excited to go on a real first date with, I might bust a vein in my head! lol
But I've never been able to throw down that burden on them.
Stop giving so much power to a date. I cannot possibly give you a number of how many dates I have been - but I know it is a 3 digit and almost certainly a 4 digit number. Most dates people spend an evening together, have a good time, and then maybe or maybe not have another date in a week or two or three. Plenty of them are OK - and you say you will do it again - because you don't want to hurt each others feelings - and then you never call or she is always busy when you suggest a day and time.
Some women are caregivers. Some women only feel ok when they are in a relationship where they are nurturing someone else. This is probably the kind of woman you need in your life. Because any women who was going to have a long term relationship with you would need to be comfortable with some caregiving resposibilities.
You short change yourself when you you think all you have to offer is a burden. The other aspect you need to look for is a woman who enjoys intellectual stimulation. A women who enjoys talking about something as much or more than doing it. A woman who can get vicarious pleasure and does not need to do everything to enjoy it.
You also need a woman who enjoys art - poetry and more. A woman with an aesthetic for beauty.
Dating is not a relationship and a relationship is not necessarily long term and long term isn't necessarily forever. Take a baby step and forget about the big steps for now.
Susan
Clay (no login)
Re: Nick Update -- November '04
November 16 2004, 12:41 PM
Nick, I agree with Susan's advise when she said that you should date a girl who would enjoy caring for a disabled person. That way, you wouldn't have to worry about her feeling burdened by your situation. I'm sure there are some decent caregiver type girls out there, the kind that likes to volunteer at hospitals. If she also likes poetry, then all the better.
You should just ask them out on a date and stop worrying about the possibility of you inconveniencing them. If she loves you for who you are then it shouldn't matter. Most of us have many years to look forward to, but your condition seems to be worsening, so you might as well go on a date while you still can. If you ask a girl out and she refuses, then you know at least you tried, and no-one can take that away.
Nick....You keep on fighting, and fighting for what you believe...you are a very special person. You go ahead and keep proving that anybody who doubts this, that they are wrong. Focus on what you want to accomplish in life and go for it as much as you can, knowing that you have friends that really care.
I never met you, but I have read many of your posts; they all have so much to say; so deep, meaningful and so profound.
I have followed your story and saw the immense fight in you and the frustration too..some of these stories bring tears to my eyes and I feel so helpless as I feel some of your pain too.. Smile..... cause you are one tough citizen...you have more reason than anybody to take a deep breath, drink in life and feel how good it is to be alive. My hands, heart and thoughts go out to you.
With much respect,
Gregorio
(my special online name from Susan for privacy purposes)
People reading this should remember to DONATE to Susan's Site... she is the one person who makes this all possible.
Nick,
I am so glad you are back up and "running". I know there is a little girt in Alabama who really needs you these days. I have been reading about her all over the place - so know that the work you are doing on her behalf is at least getting her cause into the public spot light. I think the days of Alabama being able to deliberately harm its citizens so blatantly may be ending in large part due to you.
As some of you know, Bruce Mildwurf, the reporter that brought my story, "Nick's Crusade," - http://NicksCrusade.com - to the forefront of Mobile news, recently brought us the story of 13-year-old Lauren Rainey on WPMI ( original story here -- > .http://tinyurl.com/3q5m2 ) I've kept him on Medicaid issues.
Since the first story aired, I've spread her story far and wide. It has caught fire on the internet and gotten worldwide attention.
Tonight there is news! Bruce on WPMI ran a follow up story on the Lauren case.
The Governor of Alabama has responded, and basically said, "there are other programs for Lauren. We just can't name them or prove they exist. You're only trying to scare people by intentionally omitting our wonderful, alternative programs!"
It's not true. They tried raising phantom alternatives in my case too, to provide some cover for their despicable actions. Don't buy it. Mary Finch, Medicaid spokeswoman and public policy liason, is employing a much more aggressive PR strategy this time than when I went up against her before; she is circulating a talking points memo claiming there are other (as yet unnamed) programs for Lauren and accusing WPMI TV of misrepresenting the facts to gain national attention.
It's a lie.
There is no program to provide adequate services for people like Lauren, and last year a friend of mine, Chris, died after losing care under the EPSDT program.
There are currently only 28 people state-wide getting care hours under EPSDT. This came from a decade-long purging of EPSDT. No one wants to talk about how we got to this point, but in 1997 there were roughly 32 people getting care hours under EPSDT in THE MOBILE AREA ALONE found during my mom's advocacy in the '97 crisis (the Medicaid commissioner of that time tried to end the nursing care program altogether). The state is legally obligated to provide nursing care for citizens under age 21 under the EPSDT program. Alabama is trying to shirk its responsibility under the law and has successfully cut it down to 28 people state-wide. We went from over 28 in Mobile area to 28 state-wide! Now the few survivors of the purge are in the crosshairs.
We are not animals, and don't leave our injured brethren in the forest to die. We can't morally tolerate this ANYMORE!
Tell Gov. Riley to stop the phantom programs smokescreen and protect his citizens in need.
*Governor's Office Mailing Address*
State Capitol
600 Dexter Avenue
Montgomery, Alabama 36130
I will be working hard to spread the word and solicit action, and I would like to do a candlelight vigil/quiet protest. 28 candles for each citizen we must protect. We must show our community, our state, our country, our world and ourselves that we are still a good, humane people, and we will hold our ground when lives are at stake.
> Stop giving so much power to a date. I cannot possibly
> give you a number of how many dates I have been - but I
> know it is a 3 digit and almost certainly a 4 digit number.
In your situation it's different.
For me it's so powerful because of
- it's the first
- logistical difficulties - is she driving and me teaching her all that? lot to ask her to do
- and my extreme admiration of girls
it's difficult.
dammit I wish I had my own place. then it would easy to ask people over for pizza and whatnot.
aghhhhh
AAAGGHHH!!!!!!
the sexual frustration is so immense. if my hips weren't so bent down from my spine being so FUBAR from that botched 1991 surgery (my penis points toward my feet never up to ceiling because of my pelvis being twisted) then i could deal with this with my hands. i can't. i'm stuck.
and my spine being so twisted also is smushing my lung, contributing to the latest lung problems, which btw relapsed even worse this week, but now I think with turning my respirator up I'm recovering for good.
You are still giving too much power to a date!!!!!
A girl likes you - so she says yes to a date. Sure it is a bit more complicated - but she likes you. You are most likely not going to have sex on a first date - so stop worrying about that. Just start having dates - ask a girl out - and then when she says yes - matter of factly explain what EXTRA is entailed in dating you. Just do it!!!!!
I know you have bigger problems than I do --but I to have to-----
Ask how far away we are going is from the car
(To detemine if I can just use my cane or need my scoooter)
Ask if we are going to go anywhere from that spot to another spot.
(Then I do need my scooter, but do I need my battery?)
If I need my scooter - will it fit in his car? (Not likely)
Is he OK with driving my wreck of a car?
Is the restaurant or other place we go to accessible?
And then there is the important question of are there only booths at a restaurant we might go to?
Are there accessible restrooms?
Now I need to be sure my scooter is fully charged---and that is an overnight process - so no last minute dates unless I am prepared.
There's other stuff sometimes - but that's the big stuff. Peanuts comparitively - but still - as long as you give it all this power it just ain't gonna happen.
Susan
Clay (no login)
Re: Nick Update -- November '04
November 27 2004, 5:02 PM
Nick wrote: "my extreme admiration of girls"
I think Susan is right Nick. I think you have too much admiration for girls, when often they simply just don't deserve it. You put them up on a pedistal (like a Godess) and you probably feel somewhat inferior to them due to your disability.
When I was younger, I used to admire girls and do pretty much the same damn thing until the day came when I finally realized that girls just want to be treated like normal human beings and don't really want to be idolized or overly admired.
After coming to that realization, it became a lot easier for me to talk to girls that I liked, instead of being shy and rather hopeless.
I still hold on to the hopes of finding a nice hindu girl (virgin or not). I've known many Chinese girls and I must say that they that they were very nice to me, but as a girlfriend, I would prefer an Indian girl.
Clay
Clay...I deleted some of your comments as they were completely prejudicial and no place in this post (or anywhere for that matter). Susan
This message has been edited by Xuxan on Nov 27, 2004 5:17 PM This message has been edited by Xuxan on Nov 27, 2004 5:16 PM
Nick you can't change your disability, but you can change your attitude. Clay is right - it is wicked uncomfortable up on pedestals. I know, I stopped dating men who were Asian, Eastern European, Arabic, and Hispanic without really checking them out first because they too often put me on pedestals that I was always falling off of and getting hurt. I much prefer guys that give me a little distance - emotionally and physically. Susan
Nick this is where you should come when you are depressed and suicidal. Always think of this as the place you are always safe to come to. Don't every hesitate to unload your troubles here. Susan
Clay (no login)
Re: Nick Update -- November '04
November 27 2004, 9:49 PM
Susan is right Nick. This is the best place to come to talk about your troubles with girls and internal struggles. I also get depressed now and then, especially when people think that I'm a queer, but then I think about how fortunate I am and what a great life I have and that usually cheers me up. I don't need sex to make me happy, although a little couldn't hurt.
Clay you wrote:
I think about how fortunate I am and what a great life I have and that usually cheers me up. I don't need sex to make me happy, although a little couldn't hurt.
Clay...you have no idea..a lot couldn't hurt. You got to go out there and try it. Afterward...you're going to be upset with yourself that you didn't try it sooner.
Picture this:
A warm and loving person who will quietly listen to all your problems, whisper in your ear and then blow your socks off. Ah--life is good.
Clay (no login)
Re: Nick Update -- November '04
December 2 2004, 7:45 PM
You are very right Gregorio. A healthy relationship is something everyone should be in. When the time is right then I will have a normal relationship and a sex life. For now, I like things just the way it is.
Nick I first met you face to face where girls were surrounding you like bees to honey. Everybody loved you and had great things to say about you- and wondered where you were and missed you. Get out there!!!!
