Ok...I love this girl and she loves me...been together a few years. But this is driving me crazy. She has mostly guy friends and has "joked" about other guys. Once she even said ooh I like your buddy ._______ I'm going to marry him so my last name'll be________.

That really pissed me off. HOw could you "joke" about that and not have there be some truth to it?

I curious to know your experiences with girlfriends or boyfriends who acted like this and how you dealt with it.


THeres one guy in particular she works with who has apparently actually propositioned her for sex....but just in a joking way. (yeah right...fuck that I know how guys think- I am one). But she still talks to him and they're relationship is now based on flirting like this.... though hes always getting turned down...it pains me to see that she likes it so much.

I feel confused as a man in this strange age when women have become so empowered....I can't follow my intuitive feeling of going up to this guy and telling him that I feel like he's disprectin me...because not only would she get pissed at me ("we're only joking")...but also it seems overjealous.

I know a fine ass woman is gonna be desired by other men, but in all my relationships, its never been like this and its driving me crazy. I feel like it I do something about it then it only encourages the situation because now its "officially wrong" and thus more fun to do..which I understand.

But at the same time if I ignore it I'm suppressing my true male feelings of jealously and wanting my girl to only want me and no one else. I would have no problem about her joking about fucking a movie star or something (cause I know it ain't gonna happen) but when its someone who has actually already been hitting on her then I feel like if I don't do something then I'm being a pussy....and I know from this guys body language hes scared of me.

So should I say something....or am I the one kinda fuckin up the relationship by trying to have too short a leash on my girl.....where do you draw the fucking line and when is it ok to just be the MAN and say what you think even if you know its not Politically correct or against the idea of a man and a woman being equal partners in the relationship? I mean theres some cuties I like that I could go around fucking around with but I don't, and I certainly don't hit on women that I blatently know have men....so whys it ok for her and not for me?

You have a big problem.  You are in a relationship where the two of you want different rules. Her rules are fine and your rules are fine ---except they don't match.

She obviously wants a far more open relationship than you do. It also sounds as if she really isn't ready to make the same kind of committment to you as you want her to. She is not ready to say you are the one ---- she is saying ----  you are the one unless someone better comes along. She is always checking over her shoulder to what else is available. She flirts in part because my guess is that she is a flirt - and flirting can be in total innocense ----IFshe is in fact totally committed to you - which she is not. 

So the two of you need to sit down and talk and establish agreed upon ground rules for your relationship.

And no - don't say anything to the guys. She is inviting their comments, responding to them - she is the one who has to stop ( if that is what the 2 of you decide if right). Then if they do not stop you can step in - but right now it is her call not yours to make.

Susan

>She obviously wants a far more open relationship than you do. It also sounds as if she really isn't ready to make the same kind of committment to you as you want her to. She is not ready to say you are the one ---- she is saying ---- you are the one unless someone better comes along. She is always >checking over her shoulder to what else is available.


Thanks for your thoughts...You really hit the nail on the head with our situation. We do have alot of great things going between us, but her actions are winding up like a cancer eroding our relationship. One of the good things though is open communication and we've actually talked about having an open relationship (she wants to and I dont). I told her if she needs to see other guys than she should, but that means that we're done, and so she decided she didn't need to see other guys. I think this whole situation is like her trying to still have her cake and eat it too. If thats the case..I feel like I'm being played with and fuck that.

It makes me want to just leave her that she would even want to see other guys while still with me. At the core shes saying I alone am not enough, even though if I put it like that to her in conversation she would say I was enough combined with how much she loves me. My perspective though is to look at a persons actions rather than what they say.

I should've mentioned that I'm not ready to get married and thats not really on the table as far as knowing if we're "the one" for each other (at least not for me yet)...we just both love each other, know each others families- have been through a lot and know that we are compatible enough to be together in a long term situation.

My idea is that while I'm with her I'm not gonna be lookin around for someone else, or do things that would take away from our relationship....the fact that she is willing to do things that negatively affect the relationship makes me wonder if she'll always be like this even if we did ever get married....The wierd thing is is that her behavior is sending all kinds of mixed signals...like tonight shes going out for drinks with that guy and some coworkers but just a few days ago she was asking me if I was gonna marry her someday. What gives?

I certainly don't mind her going out without me...but it does bug me a little that its with that guy. I almost want to just let her have him and see how much of an ass he is (cheated on his pregnant wife) so she'll know how good she has it with me. Problem is...I really think I'd lose quite a bit of respect for her and not really want her back though I know that sounds like a mean thing to say... I feel like I deserve better than always having to wonder about why my significant other is flirting with other guys instead of me.

Almost like shes using me for security and them for fun. I say shes using me for security because when she goes out to have fun with them....she sometimes acts like theres only a certain amount of fun to go around and because she had it with them, now its time to be boring and stay in with me if I want to go out or even just stay home but be in a fun mood. And using the other guys for fun, because when we talked about open relationships I assumed she meant fucking other people...but I found out that wasn't her plan at all...rather more harmless fun like kissing. Yeah thats what she says, but if I give her consent to an open relationship under those terms...what happens when she winds up on a second and third date with the guy..it naturally leads to more physical fun..and if she keeps goin out on dates its either gonna unfair to that person (who will essentially be dating a tease) or me who gets shit on because she does more than we agreed.

She actually told me an anecdote the best possible scenario...she goes out and has fun with someone else, maybe winds up kissing..but then comes home to me in the end thinking I would be happy knowing that. Well I aint! What makes her think I'd want to kiss her after she gets done kissing some other dude? When I told her that she didnt have much to say, other than "OK if having an open relationship means leaving you then I wont" which is where we currently are...but theres still obviously some serious problems.

In terms of the "rules" you mentioned, how do you think most couples rate as far as leniency for have friends of the opposite sex, going out with them, and do alot of people have success with the open relationship thing? If she truly is always looking over her shoulder for something better why should I even sit around and wait to start the process of finding someone who will love me like I do them and not this deceptive loyalty to one another.

I guess I'm just looking for some reassurance or something...or someone to give the me the shitty news that my thinking is just completely fucked...that most other peoples relationships are like this (partners always looking for something better). It is possible I've just been really lucky because none of my other ones have been. If so maybe thats why the divorce rate is so high in this country!

I feel like I'm not emotionally hard wired for an open relationship...it seems like fun for a certain stage of ones life..to sow wild oats(which I've done so I'm not making it out to be bad)...but to think it can work like that perpetually is a facade. just love someone one day and then let them go and fuck someone else...Its like in that movie SLC Punk when Matt unexpectedely finds his girl having sex with another guy at a party though they had an open relationship...of course he got pissed and beat the shit outta the guy!

Sorry this is so long..and venting like this....I don't know who to talk to (cant talk to our mutual friends) and certainly cant afford paying someone... just looking for whether you guys think its her fucking up...or me...and what to do to fix it. I dont want to end it, but its looking that way if things cant be fixed. How can I show her what shes doing to me...conversation didnt work.

it seems like my lifes a mess, but its not...just fucking way too complicated.....thanks for your advice and anyone elses.


peace out

First off, I should tell you I am in an open relationhip and have been for four years with the person I am with currently. Open relationships are not for everyone. And I am not sure that it is even an open relationship your girlfriend is looking for.

In my relationship we both are very secure in knowing exactly who we are and what we are to each other. ( That does not seem to be the case with you.)

We both unconditionally love each other and are perfectly OK with either of us having sex - or a relationship with others. ( You obviously are not OK with this.)

We are both older and know what we want now and know what we need and know that we can each provide each other some of that, but not all of that and are very happy that we do share what we do share. ( You obviously are not loooking for that type of relationship.)

Now----this is not a criticism, but here is one way to look at your relationship from HER perspective: He thinks he loves me and that it is for the long term, but he won't make a committment to marry me, so why should I make a committment to him? By the time he decides that I am not the one he wants to marry, I could have met another guy who does want to marry me and lost him because I wasn't dating anyone but him. He wants to keep his options open - well so do I.

So this is what I think. You are not ready to settle down and there is nothing wrong with that. You are a one woman man - and there is nothing wrong with that. But if you are not ready to settle down and make a commitment to one woman - than don't. You still need to be playing the field OR decide you are ready to make a committment for the long term. You have 3 choices in my book:

1. Ask her to marry you. You can have a long engagement. Then insist that her being with other guys - except strictly as non-kissing friends - is off-limits. Put a deadline on the engagement. Do you finish school in June 2007? - then set a date by then. Do you want to be making a certain amount of money? Define the amount and set a deadline of no more than 2 1/2 years. This can not be a completely open ended engagement - she needs to know what has to happen before you will be willing to get married so she can feel secure in knowing you are making a committment to marriage for the future.

2. Tell her she needs from you what you can't give her. Not now, probably not ever, and you both need to move on. End it completely. Some people can have pieces of a wonderful relationship - but it is like a puzzle missing pieces - its not all there and you can't make the puzzle whole no matter how you try and no matter how you look at it.

3. Give an open relationship a try. Let your relationship rip wide open. Trust her that she loves you and let her do (within reason and with some ground rules set up) whatever she wants with other guys. You are not tied to each other. So she can make her own choices about what she wants. BUT that means you need to do the same. Start dating other women. Maybe you won't have sex with them - maybe you will. You are both your own free agents - but happen to really care for each other and like to spend a lot of time with each other. Maybe some day you will be ready for number 1 and so will she- but not now.

Personally my guess is that #2 is the best choice for you, but only you can decide what is best for you.

Susan