My wife and I were pole playing. I was to rape her in the living room. It was kind of rough. Our daughter, who we thought was at her friend's house walked in on us and thought that we were fighting. We tried to explained it to her that we were just pretending but she thinks that we are going to have a divorce. She is 9 years old and not old enough to fully understand about sex yet. Any suggestions on how to explain it to her?

Sorry Dad, but she is old enough to understand or atleast pretty close and now you are going to have to have that talk you were putting off. There is really very little way she is going to understand this. At 9 sex is supposed to be something warm and wonderful and now you have to tell her that some people like it when it is not that way. I don't envy you.

So the truth of the matter is you are going to have to rob your child of her innocence about sex. And the way you once thought you were going to tell her just isn't going to work. And it very well might be that she is going to need professional help because of this.

First, start by reassuring her as much as you can that you still love her mom. And your wife needs to reassure her that she loves you. You are going to need to do this separately and together. She has to be absolutely sure that her mom is not saying this out of fear of you. When you talk to her - be sure mom is close by. She might be afraid to be alone with you now - or find that talking about sexual things with you causes her to be afraid.

Then you are going to have to tell her all about the wonderful sexual feelings you get when you love someone. Overkill is necessary here. This you two can do together and separately.

Then the hard part - the part that really has to be done with finesse. You have to tell her that adults sometimes play games when they have sex. That they like to pretend. And you have to explain that what you were doing was pretend and you were pretending to be bad. And that mom was also pretending and she was pretending to be scared. And you somehow have to get across to her that what you were doing was bad without you being bad. If you tied your wife up you are going to have to explain that some people like it when they do not have any control. If you hit her- you are going to have to explain that some people get sexually excited by being hurt. None of this is what you want to be discussing with a 9 year old - but you do have to.

And you also have to make it clear that if she ever experiencing anything like this and it is not a game - she has to call for help and run away and do whatever she can. This is going to be really hard because basically you are telling her two opposite things.

And you are also going to have to make it clear that what she saw is a family secret. This is not anything she should ever talk to grandma and grandpa about---unless they know----then get them to talk to her too. She should not talk to her friends about it- or her teachers. It is a really horrible thing to make a child keep a secret like this- but the repercussion if she doesn't are great.

And now you and your wife have to stop playing games unless you are absolutely sure she is out of the house and the doors are locked and the windows closed and the curtains shut - she can absolutely not be exposed to this again.

And you are also going to have to be vigilant about watching her behavior. She could start hurting herself to try to understand why mom likes to be hurt. She could start hurting others to try to understand why you like hurting mom. Watch out for cutting of her skin, or pulling out her hair, or any imitation of what she saw. She might decide to do to a pet or a stray animal what she saw you do. She might start drawing violent pictures. If you see any of this - or even suspect she might be doing any of this - get her to a child abuse specialist immediately. And then be absolutely, brutally honest about exactly what she witnessed.

I cannot diminish the possible harm to her that could have come of this. You could be lucky and she could understand it fairly easily and be able to move on quickly and easily - but since she is already afraid you are going to get a divorce it doesn't look promising.

I am so sorry for you and your family,
Please keep in touch and let me know how things go,
Susan