A few nights ago,my fiance' and i were out drinking with a good friend and towards the end of the night,my fiance kept making comments about me having sex with our friend(he's male),to fulfill a fantasy I had and ,my fiance said that it would turn him on like listeningso the to a porno.Well My fiance kept talking about it and The guy was intesrested in having sex with me,becuase he thought i was hot and thought it would be a dream a come true(I'm mixed,but according to law I'm black,plus we both work at the same place and he's technically considered my "boss" and I'm about 2 years older then him)so it was a turn on for him.So we all went back to mine and my fiance's place and the other guy and i went to the bedroom and started fooling around,kissing,oral,and then eventually sex.Well after having sex,we laid in bed togther and talked,kissed a alittle and talked some more.It was really nice and felt nice laying next to the guy.I was comfortable and didnt want him to leave,it was like it was just us 2 at the moment.So now I keep thinking about him and how I want to have sex with him again,when we arent drinking.i love my fiance,but i'm sexually attracted to this other guy.He's sweet,and cute,and i just wanna squeeze him.I know we could never have a relationship,since i am engaged and he doesnt want a girlfriend for awhile,but I'm still not sure what to do.I know he would have sex with me again,but my fiance said it was a one time thing,but i feel guilty about wanting the guy again.Its hard deeing him at work and not pull him and kiss him.What should I do?
You have three choices.
1. Break off the relationship.
2. Get pre-marriage counseling.
3. Open up the relationship.
1.Break it off.
You opened up the can of worms. You cannot put the worms back in the can. You are obviously not ready yet to settle down with one guy. He wanted to let you fullfill a fantasy, it's done and for him it is over. It is not for you. So obviously it is more than a fantasy now.
This is something that will haunt your marriage if the two of you do not see eye to eye on it. Since you let him know you are attracted to the other guy - he will worry that you are seeing the other guy without telling him (outside of work), or fantasizing about the other guy when you are with him. If you don't tell him you wil be starting out a marriage with a secret - and that simply will not work in the long-run.
You might also want/ need to seriously consider quiting your job and/or asking to be transferred to another position where he isn't technically your boss. If you have any interest in this guy you do not want to be is a business relationship with him - he can't treat you as only a work associate any more.
It is really hard to break off a relationship when you have become engaged, but it is easier to do it now than the day of the wedding, or a year after the marriage. Sorry to say - the way things stand at the moment your marriage is doomed.
2. Get some long term pre-marriage counseling with someone who specializes is marriage counseling. Make sure the counselor is someone you both feel comfortable with. Shop around - don't just pick one and go. You need to find a counselor who is comfortable with the sexual experiences you have had as a couple and is willing to discuss it freely and various changes you can make to your relationship to make it work. You both have to be open to makinng some changes or decidinng that marriage is not the right choice for you.
3.Open your relationship up.
You can agree to all kinds of swinging in a relationship or to a polyamorous relationship. These relationships require a lot of communication and a lot of trust. Without both they cannot work.
Swinging is where a couple decide it is OK to have recreational sex outside the marriage. Different couples swing differently. Some only have sex with another couple and trade partners. Some only go to sex parties where everyone is free to have sex with each other. Some invite one person over and they have sex with one or both of them. Some only do it once or twice a year when they go out of town to do it. Usually couples who swing successfully make up a set of rules as to what is OK and what is not OK. Most require use of condoms. Some do not allow kissing. Soem do not allow penetration. What you decide is Ok and not OK is up to the two of you to decide. Swinging works for a lot of people - but it only works when both people really agree that this is what they both want.
Polyamory is where two people realize that they do not need to limit their loving to just one person. The idea that you fall in love and shut yourself off from loving anyone else again is not realistic. So instead of shutting yourself off - you allow it. It is OK to be attracted to others and to act of that attraction and to share with your partner that attraction. And it is OK to love others besides your spouse. It requires a really mature relationship to handle this -and one where people are able to communicate extremely well and to trust each other explicitly and to be free of jealosy. These relationship are rare, but when they work they work well to meet everyones needs. They are also more likely to take place when a relationship is mature and kids are no longer living at home.
Good luck. You have some hard decisions ahead of you. But it is better you did this now when you still have some easier choices than if you had done this after you got married.