Hi Susan, you probably won't remeber but about 2 - 3 months ago I posted on your website.

Now I might be sounding selfish but I can't take this anymore.

I've been with my partner roughly 6 months we had sex 3 times before we couldn't anymore because I hit the plecenta (this was all in the first day we began going out.)

4 months ago she had a baby boy which isn't mine.

When I posted I said she wasn't sleeping with me, and I got reasonable answers from you which I accepted.

---> Heres the update

About a month ago she had a mariner.

Shes had an increasing sex drive for the last 2 months.

Shes tried to sleeping with me once, which ended in a failure - Jr wouldn't stay up 1/2 the time.

Since then she won't sleep with me, even though she has a sex drive.

I try it on and off with her - sometimes I won't mention sex for a week, other times I'll bring it up 4-5 times a day, but she won't sleep with me.

I told her on several occassions this is a big issue for me and she apologizes - but does nothing else.

I think about sex with her about 1/3 of the day, everyday & I can't get my mind off her. (Except for the time we had our failed attempt it seemed to cure the urge for a couple of days.)

Masterbation doesn't help at all - it gets rid of the hornyness but I'm still lacking the intimatcy with her greatly.

We are very much in-love she is my like my best friend and we talk to each other about everything and despite the lack of sex are extremly close in every other aspect.

I'm getting angry all the time because I'm so sexually frustrated.

Life is extermely stressful for both of us at the moment, we are both very depressed.

I'm beginning to 'think' about sleeping with other people which I know is an extremly horrible thing to do and I feel terrible for it, but I cant help it.

Susan I feel so rejected, I know your a sex expert but to go off-topic for a second, what do u personally think I should do? I know I'm in a siatuation I don't want to be in but I'm in-love with her.

I remember you well. You have 3 choices:

1. Get couples counseling. You two are obviously not making a go of this alone- you need help. So get someone outside of your relationship to help. But in all honesty, I have my doubts this will work for you two.

2. Define your relationship as polyamorous. Both of you can have relationships - sexual or otherwise - with others. This is a big step that requires a lot of committment and trust. I also don't think this will work for you - your relationship isn't strong enough.

3. Break up. Love is not always enough to make a relationship work. You have to have shared values, interests, goals, and much more. This is what will seem to you to be the hardest choice, but I think from what you have said the best choice. If you had been in a relationship longer, or the child was yours I would think differently.

DO NOT go out and have sex with someone else behind her back. That is one way to end a relationship very badly. It's not fair to her. It's not fair to the other person/s you have sex with. You might get a disease and pass it back to her. You might get someone else pregnant. You might just hurt two women's feelings very badly.

Sexual attraction can be confused with love. Being with a person during a very stressful time and feeling needed can be confused with love. Being with a new life you might well have fallen in love with can be confused with loving the mother.

You weren't happy before. You aren't happy now. She isn't either. It is time for you both to consider the needs of yourselves and that new life who deserves to live with two people who love each other completely.

I know you want me to say something magic that will fix things - but I think you need to look for the magic you seek in someone else.

Susan

I'm with Susan on this one. I think you can remain distant friends, but maybe you should move on.
I think part of the problem is lack of trust which eats at you and causes problems.
I have been in a somewhat similar position and although I did not have erection problems, I have doubts that my relationship with this woman would ever succeed. I could see where this would work on a man. Nothing to do with friends because we were..., it's little lies I caught her in....and it's what she DIDN'T say and her actions....and much of what others said (rumors that turned out to be true) ...that broke us up. In my case, it was much better that we separated....it was inevitable. Cause without complete trust, what do you have?
Maybe you are much better than all this.

Well, I'm not sure what to do, I'll try and get some external help for us. I can't think of ever being without her.

I know I'm definitly not in-love with the whole daddy situation and it could be very well possible that I am mistakening my attraction for love but I will need to work that one out for myself.

Thanks for the advice I shall try and keep you updated.

If you are "not in love with the whole Daddy thing" than end it. It is not fair to an infant that he/she start out his/her life with a "Dad" who isn't up for the task. The sooner you end the easier it will be. The quicker she can move on. The quicker she can find someone as committed to her child as to her.

If you are not into the daddy thing now, it is unlikely you will ever be. You were there at the time nearly everyone bonds with a baby easily. It is hard to bond quickly with an older child who is not your own and already has another parent. But this baby will have only you and see you as the parent. It won't matter to the baby whose sperm made him/her into being. It will matter who is there every morning and night. You will be Daddy to the baby even if you aren't feeling it.

No one can ever imagine being without someone they love.

When I lived in England I loved a man desperately. We had a wonderful relationship and I was head over heals in love with him. He loved me too. But he had had one failed marriage and was unwilling to even consider another. I was OK with this and living together in a permanent unofficial state was OK with me. It was OK with England for quite a while too - but then they insisted I get married or leave. I begged and pleaded, but he would not relent. I thought my heart would break. I wished myself dead I could not imagine life without him. I had a very tough first year without him. I was lost. I had made plans for the rest of my life and now they were gone. But then everything changed and now everything is good and has been for about 8 years.

The longer you stay in it, the harder it will be, the harder it will be for her and the baby. This is one of those times you have to think like a mature adult and do the adult thing and think about the best choice for the child. This is part of what parenting is about - you sacrifice for your children. If you aren't up to the task of being Daddy than let her find someone who is.

You fell in love with a women with child and now has a baby. She has to put that child's needs first before anything else. You should be too.

Susan