im able body do volunteer work with the disabled which i will do almost anything to help out but i been asked if i will help 2 gays have sex . i would love to help but would not feel comfortably
personal care is one thing sex is another thing
any suggustion ?
i know disabled person have thier needs but i think you need to feel comfotable with it
i know if it was to lesbians would be a lot easier but still not sure
any suggustions please

Paul,

I'm assuming you do personal care for one of the men? Are you OK with helping a him have a bath? With helping a him pass a bowel movement? Helping him to have sex is just another form of personal care.

He/they are not asking you to have sex with them - they are asking you to be an actor in the "play" they direct. You can't help but become emotionally involved in the "play" - but if you see them as the directors - it is their "play" and you are only an actor in it.

Your sexuality means nothing in this play. The actors in Brokeback Mountain were not gay. They played a part- they followed a script and they were directed. To help two men who want to have sex with each other is very much the same.

I think it would be an incredibly generous thing for you to do. Let me know how what I just said feels to you. We can discuss it further.

Susan

I would also feel a bit uncomfortable if I had to help two gay guys have sex, so I understand your apprehension Paul. Hey Susan, would that make Paul a sex-therapist?

No, that would make him s sex facilitator. A sex therapist requires mamny years of training.

i only know one of the persons via internet never ever met him
he asked his carers to help and they wont even leave them sleep together
i have done personal care as a volunteer and dont have a problem with that but as much as i would like to help the persons i would not feel comfortable
i have gay friends that i chat to and have a social drink with them but thats it anything else they do is behind closed doors (best way)
thanx for your replies it be a lot easier if they were lesbians ?? but even then im not sure if i would /
thank you

I have no idea why you think it would be easier if they were lesbians. What they are asking you to do has nothing to do with you. It has nothing to do with your sexuality. It has nothing to do with you being turned on.

When a person has a baby they have to clean their bottoms. Not particularly pleasant, but all parents do it. When a person is disabled - from childhood or from an accident - often the same thing happens - still not particularly pleasant, but it still has to be done. We care for people and do things that ordinarily people can do for themselves.

Now technically these guys don't have to be together. But can you imagine loving someone and not being able to be with them at all? To be dependent upon a person who said no, I am not going to help you have a very human experience? I will clean your butt, brush your teeth, change your catheter, but I will not help you experience the love you feel toward another person? I will not help the two of you lie naked next to each other? I will not let the two of you sleep together?

Can you imagine being an adult who is told no, you can only do the things in your life I am willing to help you do. You have no free will. You have no choices except the choices I give you.

This saddens me beyond measure. Please reconsider.
Susan

If you are uncomfortable for christs sake don't even consider it. It would be perverted and wrong to be involved. Why can't they hire a prostitute? They would at least have some professional sexual skills which you plainly do not.

It is only pervertedif you think gay sex is perverted. and if gay sex between women is considered OK, I can not imagine a reason gay sex between men is not.

These two men are not asking for a third partner in sex - they are asking for help in positioning - a skill a prostitute does not have ordinarily.

You missunderstnd me. I don't give a damn if they are two men. It is wrong for a carer to be involved sexually with their clients. And this is sexual invovlvement not a theraputic one. Let their family be involved if it is so innocent assisting others to fuck.

I don't think it is wrong.

It is not sex therapy. It is not sex. It is facilating an interaction between two people who happen to want to have sex.

I imagine it is a person who is unable to get into bed independently, who is unable to change their sheets independently, who is unable to get out of their clothes independently, who is unable to make purchases of items required to have safe sex independently, who is unable to even get into a lover home independently.

I don't know if both men are disabled, but if they are, the chance that they will find anyone to help them is almost zero.

How many family members are comfortable with the idea that any of their family members are sexual? What if they have no family members except parents?

The best chance this man has is to find a helpful peer who has some amount of training or understanding in how to move and support a person with a severe disability.

I agree with Johnny5. The two gay guys should hire a prostitute to help them have sex, because it isn't a caregiver's duty to help them to have sex. Also, the prostitute could give them blowjobs and have sex with them, since they are disabled.

These guys don't need a prostitute to have sex with. They want to have sex with each other. They don't need a person to do anything but position them - which IS a caretakers job. Just because it is sex they want to do instead of eating or going to the bathroom or taking a shower or everything else people with disabilities need help to accomplish.

It is not a prostitute's job to be sure a man's room is ready for him to have sex with someone else.

It is not a prostitute's job to help a man prepare to be with another person by dressing sexy and smelling good.

It is not a prostitute's job to help a man in a wheelchair get from his chair to his bed.

It is not a prostitute's job to help a man get undressed.

These are all the day to day responsibilities of a person you hire to be your personal assistant in your caregiving needs. In the US facilitating a sexual encounter by a paid personal assistant is a reinburseable expense by medicare - hiring a prostitute is not.

No it isn't a caregiver’s job. It would be a sexual involvement, violating the therapeutic relationship. It would be more of a threesome with a person who does not desire a sexual contact than a “Helping” act. You are advocating that this man allow himself to be sexually abused.

I think a sex professional would be better suited at helping two disabled guys have sex then a caregiver would be.

No it isn't a caregiver�s job. It would be a sexual involvement, violating the therapeutic relationship.

No - it is not sexual involvement if it involves preparing someone to have sex. Putting them in a location where he can have sex. Position his body so he is able to feel the sensation of a body next to him.

It would be more of a threesome with a person who does not desire a sexual contact than a �Helping� act.

A threesome is when 3 people are having sex together. I don't know exactly what help this man asked for, but often the facilitator does stay in the room while the sex goes on. They are there to help a person get in and out of bed, to get in and out of their clothes, to change the sheets, to clean up a body afterwards. This is so that the sexual partner can be a sexual partner and only a sexual partner and not a caregiver.

You are advocating that this man allow himself to be sexually abused.

I am not advocating that he have sex at all. I am advocating that he help a person who wants to have a sexual relationship with someone else have it as much like anyone has one as possible.

Can you imagine having the inability to undress yourself? To be unable to get into your bed without being lifted from your wheelchair? To be unable to let your sex partner out the door and lock the door behind you?

There are people who are absolutely desperate to be intimate with another human being, but because of their disability always have to have a caregiver nearby. They have no opportunity to be sexual.

Nick who used to post here wrote about that. He lives with his mom and his grandma and because he uses a respirator always has to have someone near who knows how to take care of him should something go wrong. Can you imagine him going to the bar with some friends and bringing a girl he just met back home to have sex and having a problem in the middle of the night and having to call out to his mom for help?

Philly posts here and doesn't even feel he can make phone calls where he talks about sex because of the caregivers he always has to have nearby. He has quadraplegia so he can't move his arms or legs well if at all. That doesn't mean he doesn't want to be close to a body and feel love and affection from them. But he has to have a nurse near by at all times.

I knew a man once who was a quadraplegic who had a lover that learned to be a caregiver/ lover. He had to wash the sheets they had sex on, because the person who came regularly to do his laundry refused to wash sheets with gay sex fluids on them. He had to give him a bath after they had sex, because the caregiver refused to wash him if he suspected he had had sex. The lover always had to leave before one caregiver came, because the caregiver refused to stay if the lover was there.

Life with a disability is challenging enough without having so many barriers put in the way of a person having the sexual life they desire.

Clay they don't need a sex professional - they need someone who understands how to lift and position a person whose body doesn't work well. A sex professional has no clue.

I guess you're right susan. They need a caregiver who is caring enough like you, to help them to have sex without actually getting involved in the sexual acts. How is Nick doing by the way?

Nick was doing well the last I heard from him. But he hasn't posted here in months and not thers places he usually posts either. My guess he is very busy with getting his life working well.

Very heartfelt Susan but people's "Right" to sexual expression shouldn't come at the expense of others.

Well if you feel that way than insurance programs, including medicare and medicaid should not be paying for Viagra. We all pay taxes to help men with erections problems get it up.

the orignal poster say's she has Gay friends .Why not approach them for help. They could even start up a support system /group in their area.Many folks Gay or
Str8. want to help others would love to have a chance
to make a difference in some one's life. This may already be in civilized lands . I think it could work
I think I could do it,except for the lifting.
Who else has an oppinion.
BTW xuxan I was logged on the dating 4 disabled site and the moderators say they dont want a sexual interest
forum there I posted the existance of this site but per their rules I DID NOT post The address. may be you could help them out of their closet.

Thanks for the info....maybe I will delete them from my site.

A dating site in the closet about sex - no wonder so many people have so many problems around sexuality

I posted. Let's see if they let the post stay with the address.
In any event - a few more people will know this site exists until they do/if take it off.

I think I do know the folks who run the site - or I can find out pretty easily as it seems to be connected to the Abilties Expos.