Recently my wife admitted to having an week long affair with a younger man while on vacation in Jamaica about 2 months ago. I am 33, she is 32 - we've been happily married for 7 years. This is truly the first instance of infidelity in our marriage, and there is no desire from her to split.

The extent of her affair was limited- she gave an 18 yr old 7 blowjobs in a 5 day period. It never went beyond that, though she admitted to swallowing his sperm (AND has always refused to do that with me).

My 2 questions are - does any woman have any insight as to why she would be so receptive to just performing oral on a young man & swallow his sperm, when for 7 years she professed she never would?

I have found out she still exchanges emails with him where they describe in graphic detail these 7 times. There's nothing in the emails to indicate any desire to hook up again, but she goes to great lengths describing his -verility- so to speak. Again, any insight?

Ever hear of the 7 year itch? You were not babies when you married, but it is still hard for any one young not to not wonder what it would be like with someone else. If she doesn't want to split - put it in the past - and renegotiate what your marriage means to both of you.

Why did she swallow? Easy. If she did it with you, you would expect her/ want her to do it again and again. She meets a strange man and if she hates it - she never has to do it again. My guess is that she did it the first time and it was no where near as bad as she thought. So then she did it again to get used to doing it. And she actually decided she liked it.

The question I would have for you and her - is she now willing to do it with you?

The email situation is different. An older woman gets attention from a young guy and it feels good. But this is not any young man - this is a young man she has had sexual encounters with. The young guy gets off on the idea that this older woman thinks he is hot. This could stay to be just friendly and about memories-----but it could also develop into something more. In your shoes I am not sure I would be comfortable with this email relationship.

But let me make myself clear on this. I think it is Ok for men and women to be friends. And I actually think it is OK for two people to decide it is Ok for either of them to have cybersex or discuss sex via email with another person (but also OK to decide it is not ok.)

I think the two of you need to have a very serious talk about the expectation each of you have for your marriage. I think you need to start with what you expect from it now - not what you wanted 7 years ago. Both of you are going to have to be willing to negotiate changes. Your marriage has changed. If you want to be sure it is going to continue another 7 years you are going to have to be sure the changes are changes you can both live with.

What's so special about swallowing, why do so many men expect or want their woman to do it? Personally I gag when I have tried it, I couldn't get it all down my throat and had to spit it out. Not that is was nasty but I don't want that in my stomach. I don't mind the pre cum though, it's a small amount. But why do men like it so much?

Thanks for the fast response! Yes, I def heard of the 7 year itch, ha not living in a cave. On the plus side we had already started talking about this in realization that things are different now.

you said-
"Why did she swallow? Easy. If she did it with you, you would expect her/ want her to do it again and again. She meets a strange man and if she hates it - she never has to do it again. My guess is that she did it the first time and it was no where near as bad as she thought. So then she did it again to get used to doing it. And she actually decided she liked it.

The question I would have for you and her - is she now willing to do it with you?"

1) Actually we've talked about this, she still won't do it with me and really doesn't offer any concrete reason why other than it doesn't feel like something she wants to do. Yet, in their emails they both describe in detail how how she was 'so crazy trying to keep up with him' and how she thought it was intense when she got him to that point.

2) Would you expect her to try other stuff with strange men so it doesn't set a precedent with us? She has mentioned being with 2 guys at once, before

"But let me make myself clear on this. I think it is Ok for men and women to be friends. And I actually think it is OK for two people to decide it is Ok for either of them to have cybersex or discuss sex via email with another person (but also OK to decide it is not ok.)"

gotrcha.
3) Is it ok for them to relive these blowjobs virtually, from a woman's intuition do ou think is it just reliving the act or wanting more?

4) Is there anything wrong with her (in the sense that she is 32 year old woman giving repeated blowjobs to an 18 yr old boy)?

1) Actually we've talked about this, she still won't do it with me and really doesn't offer any concrete reason why other than it doesn't feel like something she wants to do.

This to me IS a problem. If she had done it once or twice and decided she didn't like it OK. But she decided she DID like it. You can't demand she do it.

2) Would you expect her to try other stuff with strange men so it doesn't set a precedent with us? She has mentioned being with 2 guys at once, before

She's done it once, she might do it again. This is what you two need to make clear - what is acceptable , what is not.

3) Is it ok for them to relive these blowjobs virtually, from a woman's intuition do ou think is it just reliving the act or wanting more?

If she was now doing them with you - if I were you I might be ok with it. But the fact she is still wanting to do them - even if just via imagination - and she still won't do them with you - to me that is a BIG problem.

4) Is there anything wrong with her (in the sense that she is 32 year old woman giving repeated blowjobs to an 18 yr old boy)?

It's a big age gap at this age, but not so much in a decade. I don't think there is anything wrong with her, but I think the two of you have different ideas about what your marriage should be like.

Honestly, it sounds like your marriage is in trouble - big trouble. She and you want very different things right now and you have figure out how to agree or your marriage is doomed.

Ok, I had the same concerns. I am just confused why this all came about suddenly, and why she'll do something sexually for this boy she won't do for me.

You have mentioned that the marriage is changing conceptually, are you suggesting she wants to explore a more open sexual agreement? All in all we handled this episode well, there was no fighting - more just I want to understand why & if she was in love or not. She vehemently claims it was a total physical fixation on him, just at odds with everything I hear about women that they aren't generally inclined toward sex for sex's sake


and to the anonymous poster- re: swallowing, it isn't that she won't swallow mine, it's that she DID swallow this guy (7 times) and obviously enjoyed it.

and to clarify Susan, my wife does give me blowjobs but will not finish me with her mouth. I wasn't sure if I was clear on that

She needs to get a STD test before you have sex again. She may have picked up an infection

There are plenty of women who enjoy the physical feeling of sex and are able to enjoy sex without any romantic attachment. Your wife sounds as if she is one of them. Women just get the message that they are supposed to only like sex with love and it just isn't true.

If you are open to the idea - you may want to think about a variety of open relationships. There is the freedom to have other sexual partners without love, swinging/switichig partners, group sex including three-somes, and polyamory/
other partner you love.

Think long and hard before you change the rules of your marriage. A marriage can change a be better than it ever was before, but it can also kill it.

Susan, I really appreciate your help - it is helping me through this confusing situation. I don't know if I feel comfortable about this question being posted in the forum, but I trust your judgement, either way I included my email address.

We talked a lot last night- I am feel a little crazy for questioning this, but I feel as though I am learning things about her that don't really seem to have real precedent anywhere (not just with her). She talked SO much about this boy's cum; things like how he "exploded so much" in her mouth and "would always overflow", and being "overwhelmed by..." that I think she has a fetish about cum?!? Is this possible? I mean is there such a thing, or do you think it is something else. if so can you help me understand it? Further along that I have some clues why she isn't into receiving my cum, and a trend is that she admits to fantasizing about servicing younger men orally- 18, 19, 20 years old... and lots of them, sometimes all at once - but always swallowing their ejaculations. I am being very open minded but not finding much on internet searches other than porn sites when I look these things up.

People have all kinds of fetishes and preferences and fantasies. These are all different. I have a preference for men who have foreskins. I have fantasies about men who have foreskins. But I do not have a fetish as I do nto require a man have a foreskin to be sexually excited by him. Even though I have a preference, I can choose to be with a man with or without foreskin.

In your case it sounds as if she has fantasies that she has played out. I'm not sure if they are preferences or not.

The fact she wants to swallow is a bit different - but there is a fetish called bukkake that this seems similar to. But, it doesn't matter if no else ever feels the way she does. It doesn't need a name.

You just have to decide whether it is OK in your relationship or not OK.