Hey Susan, I have a question for you (and anyone else who wishes to comment). I am working as a summer camp tutor over the summer months and am one of two tutors for about 8 children, half girls half boys and they're in grades 2-5. Sometimes I feel I like I want to hold the girls in a friendly way, but not in a sexual way. Sometimes I feel a little attracted to them too. Is this pedofillic behaviour?

Clay,

Are you really getting counseling??? You are desperately confused about your sexuality. You should not be anywhere near little girls if you are feeling even the remotest of sexual attraction toward girls that young.

If they were teenagers - I would say yes, you can't help but feel sexual attraction toward people you find sexually attractive. But children who are that young should never cause you any feelings of sexual attraction.

Yes, what you are feeling is what pedophiles feel.

You cannot under any circumstances hold any of the children - even in a friendly way. You cannot sit very close to the girls or touch them. You are going to have to pretend there is a wall between you and them.

Honesty, I think you should not be working in a children's camp with these feelings - or anywhere near children at all. I also think you should change your major at school and NOT consider teaching as a profession.

You must make a decision to not put yourself in a position where you might cause anyone harm. You must learn to make a decision to stay aways from all children as much as you possibly can - and by children I mean anyone under the age of 16.

Susan

I thought that you already came to the conclusion that I was gay Susan? I would never do anything inappropriate with the girls. One of them likes me giving her 'piggybacks,' which I don't mind. I'm careful with them. It's not that I feel too attracted to them, but more like I want to take care of them.

Clay,

I've come to the concluson you are gay or bisexual.

You said "Sometimes I feel a little attracted to them too." This is entirely inappropriate. NO man who is in the position to be alone with children should ever have these feelings. No man should be giving piggy back rides to children if he has these feelings. The fact you can recognize you are having them is a tiny bit of consolation, but the fact you are minimizing it is very very scary.

You can't be around children if you can't keep absolutely separate the sexual feelings adults have for each other from what you feel when you are with children.

Clay have sex with someone. Get it over with a figure out who you are. Hire a prostitute. Pick up a woman or a man you don't know and just do it. Figure out who you are before you hurt someone by your confusion. Virginity is a good thing - but for you it is creating a monster.

Susan

You may be expressing a remote desire to have children of your own someday...a desire many people have...since you said it isn't sexual. However, that is a very uncomfortable position to be in since you aren't sure of your preference and you have to ASK if it is appropriate. Personally, I would find another job even if you really enjoy it..
If just one of those people ( counselors, kids or their mothers) should happen to log on to this site, and they could, and read your post, they will certainly suspect you as "Clay" and then all your private information is suddenly public. Then it could really be uncomfortable. In this world today, it could count against you even if your thoughts and actions were on the "up and up".
And if one of those kids brings home new sexual information, their parents may peg you as the source even if it isn't you. Parents can be very concerned about their kids and who they are with...who touches them, who they play with, who they eat with etc.
Any one dealing with kids today whether it be a teacher, councelor, kindergarten, gym class, aerobic class etc is taking a huge chance...even if they are innocent. Protective parents can cause trouble...and you don't need any of it.

Years ago, I left a baby sitting job as a young teen for THE VERY SAME REASON. 3 kids. It was fun. The little girl was cute and I used to read her stories to put her to sleep. And it was all innocent. But it was uncomfortable for the mother and now I understand why, so I didn't baby sit there anymore. I'm glad I left...it eased my mind. You get the idea?

"Virginity is a good thing - but for you it is creating a monster." That was hilarious! lol. Wow, having feelings for kids is mind bobbling. I kept my virginity until I was 21, April I lost it. Just get it done and over with. I feel good that I did. It's really not a big deal, eventually you'll be losing it anyway someday, might as well do it now; you are old enough. As mentioned, you do need to figure out your sexuality. I think you are confusing yourself by thinking too much.

Susan wrote: 'Clay have sex with someone. Get it over with a figure out who you are. Hire a prostitute. Pick up a woman or a man you don't know and just do it. Figure out who you are before you hurt someone by your confusion. Virginity is a good thing - but for you it is creating a monster.'

I don't think that hiring a prostitute or having a one night stand is very good advise Susan. I am waiting for a nice, long term relationship before losing my virginity. Don't worry, I won't hurt any of the children that I'm working with or touch them innappropriately. Most of the time, the girls like to play fight with me and for some reason they like punching me. I think I can be nice to them without being innappropriate. I don't think I'm a monster.

Clay

Clay,
You are not going to have a nice long term relationship with anyone until you get your sense of who you are figured out - that is the monster. Your indecisivenes is not going to let you get serious with anyone. You can't find a person who meets your "needs" because you are unwilling to seriously examine what it is you do need. You get close and then your own honesty scares you off.

It would be unfair to have a 'relationship' with a woman until you get your gay/bisexual feelings figured out. You are not going to be able to be honest with her because you haven't learned to be honest with yourself. Dishonest relationships do not last.

Every single pedophile on earth thinks he is not going to hurt the children they hurt. And virtually all of them think they did not hurt them even after they did.

Girls that are the age you are working with are at the very beginning of having sexual feelings. But they don't understand them. So instead of doing nice things to the people they find sexually attractive they do mean things. You should not be allowing them to punch you - even playfully.

I THINK I can be nice to them without being inappropriate is not good enough. You have to KNOW that you have absolutely NO SEXUAL feelings what-so-ever for them. It is so easy to go from something innocent to something very dangerous very quickly when you are not absolutely sure of your feelings.

I don't think YOU are a monster - I think your sexuality is.

No man who has to question whether his feelings are that of pedophile should ever be near a child.

Susan

You know what's kind of interesting Susan, I think people in general assume I might be gay just by looking at me, even before getting to know me. I'm slim built, quite attractive and youthful looking. My younger sister used to tease me by calling me a fag, before running off with the cult. Even my friends sometimes jokingly call me gay, because I have no girlfriend and its quite upsetting.

Also, I will be more serious with the children and not allow the girls to punch me or play around.

Men and women who are gay/bi given off very subtle cues that they are gay/bi. Lots of people can read them - sometimes without even knowing it.

They usually look into the eyes of the same sex a microsecond longer than the opposite sex. They stand a tiny bit closer in conversation. They touch - even when the touch is just a friendly handshake - just a tiny bit longer.

I hope you are right about being able to keep your feelings in check. Pedophiles can't do that - no matter how hard they try.

I seriously don't think that I'm a pedofile Susan. I think that I could be a bisexual or straight. I just like helping the children and being friendly to them, because I'm a very friendly person and I have a good heart.

I dearly hope you are right. But this "Sometimes I feel a little attracted to them too" is not OK.

I think you're over analyzing yourself/your life too much, doing that will only lead to questions and questions will lead to curiosity and curiosity will lead to action. Just be yourself and start dating a woman and take it from there, with not much expectations. Enjoy yourself. All the thought process will only stress yourself. As you mentioned, you're young and handsome, find a lady Don't do anything you'll regret.

Clay...you got to remember you made the original post using the word "pedofile" and you asked for opinions about your situation. Of course, Susan, myself and others commented using our experiences with pedofiles and commented based on your past history.... which wasn't the best... so you know right away comments are not going to be pleasant.
Frankly, Susan's comment about having sex with a prostitute was a little over the edge and uncalled for (sorry Susan), but it makes a very clear point and shows her complete frustration about you having sex. Susan's comment about religion and family influence ,however, hits the problem square on the head. You cannot keep rejecting prospective mates this way. Your family is not fair to you by bringing you up this way. You cannot simply decide if you are gay or straight just by having sex....that is simply absurd...you might as well flip a coin about who gets you first...(if you think you are confused now)....it's by the CHOICE you make when you date which comes first. Making friends first is a very good value and extremely important.Before you can have sex, you MUST have trust. Especially in your case. Having male and female friends is something we all have and you need. Do this and find out which way you LEAN.But, start mixing now and don't wait. Go out on some dates...and they DO NOT have to be just Indian...cause that really limits your opportunities. As it is now, you have passed up a few opportunities, haven't you. And because of your family/ religious influence, you acted weird and YOU got rejected...with a person that might have been a good choice.
I can tell just by your posts that you are a changed person. Your response to these comments has been way more mature than in the past. You say you have a kind heart and that you are really a good person , and that actually says a lot in the positive for yourself. You are much improved over what you were. And you are correct to wait until it's right...exactly what I did and it worked out fine.
Thats my take on it.
Gregorio

Thanks Gregorio for your kind words of encouragement. I think you're right. I need to start dating and figure out what it is I really want out of a relationship. I'm still considering having a relationship with my co-woker, because she is really nice to me and I like her. That might be a good start.

Clay,

Part of your problem is you keep thinking "relationship" - you are not ready for a relationship. You need to just date. Date anyone who strikes your fancy. Stop thinking that every date is a potential life partner.

Ask a girl for coffee that sits next to you on a bus. Go to a concert and ask the girl you meet in the lobby for dinner the next day. Go to the movies and talk to a girl waiting in line and offer to buy her popcorn if she will let you sit next to her. Just have fun and stop thinking all this stuff is so serious.

You are not ready for serious. You haven't a clue who you are. You have to find out before you can think relationship.

Susan