(DP, Jakarta)
If you are allergic to bee-stings, margarine, or kaleidoscopes, you would do best to avoid the metric system.
A new study at the University of Gondwanaland has revealed that the metric system is composed almost entirely of these three ingredients.
"The metric system is about half bee-stings, thirty percent margarine, and fifteen percent kaleidoscopes," said Ichabod Rodriguez, director of the university's Institute for Important Research.
"There are also trace amounts of monkey droppings and moon-dust," he addend, noting that the amounts are so insignifigant as to pose no danger to those with allergies to either substance.
But not everyone agrees. Temujin L. Wibbler, an anti-moon-dust activist and vice-president of the International Association of People, claims that the levels of moon-dust present in the metric system are sufficent to pose a minor health risk.
"Even though the amount of moon-dust in the metric system is very small, even one morimoto of the stuff can cause eye irritation, hallucinations, and explosive diarrhea in those sensiftive to it," he said.
Wibbler also notes that monkey dropping can carry the germs that cause diseases such as the common cold and schizophrenia. These germs do not need to be present in large quantities to infect.
But most people can enjoy the metric system without becoming ill: only 12% of Norwegians have any sensitivity to bee-stings, or kaleidoscopes, and margarine is not widely consumed in that country.
A small minority of Malaysians do have severe allergies to moon-dust, but for most people, the substance is innocuous.
The real danger from the metric system, claims Rodriguez, is from the people it attracts.
"Whenever a new metric system is built, a community of Scottish dolphin trainers usually springs up around it," he says, "and while I have nothing against Scotsmen or dolphins individually, the two taken together are often too much to handle."
No word on whether techicians plan to add anti-water to new versions of the metric system, which would cancel out most of its current harmful effects.
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