SIGHTS AND SOUNDS ON SOUTHEND PIER
1. As you walk along the pier, rather ancient signs overhead in wrought iron give the length of the pier in quarters of a mile
2. Posters at the entrance to the pier variously give its length as '1.33 miles' or '1.3 miles' (no mention of yards)
[NOTE: 1.33 miles = 1 mile 581 yards; 1.3 miles = 1 mile 528 yards]
3. At the train station at the end of the pier are three painted adverts giving the distance to a restaurant on the shore as '300 metres from the pier'
4. Tidal depths during the month of April at high and low tide are given in metres and tenths of a metre
5. A machine at the end of the pier does portraits sized 8 1/2" x 12" (no metric equivalent given)
6. Teacher to secondary school pupil at the end of the pier: "Children, look at the shore. We are now 1.5 kilometres away from the shore".
7. Teenager to teacher: "Sir, where's the toilet?"
Teacher to teenager: "A couple of metres around the corner".
Against the background of this rather depressing report on the progress of the metric system, I'm pleased to report that the 32 signs along the promenade which were professionally converted to miles and furlongs in August last year by anti-metric activists remain in place - undisturbed by the Council who threatened at the time to remove them and so far totally unvandalised by the public.
Tony Bennett
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