Part 15
Half an hour later, after I checked in with Michael and made sure the surgical team was ready for Leo Julian when he arrived in the evening and made sure the hospital staff had my pager information, Shawn and I were off on his motorcycle to somewhere, anywhere.
I was thankful for the fact that Shawn had let me borrow his jacket as we sped down the road as it was cold this November day. I pressed myself closer to his backside as he rounded a turn and maintained a tight grip around his waist. I loved this feeling.
When we stopped, I let my arms linger on his waist longer than they should have, and he let me. I shouldnt have. I shouldnt let myself be pulled back into all that was Shawn Brady, but he was my weakness.
Where are we? I asked as he helped me off the motorcycle.
Salem Park.
I looked around. I hadnt been here in years. Not since high school when Shawn and I would spend hours sitting on the swings in the evening hours just talking. It wasnt evening, but I looked at the swings and they werent in use. Probably since it was cold outside.
The swings? I asked and Shawn and nodded. We walked in silence to our normal swings. He on the right, me on the left. Light hearted talks required us to be both sitting forward and swinging as we talked. This was going to be a serious talk, so Shawn straddled his swing so he faced me as I sat forward with my head turned to him.
You need to know the whole story about what happened that day.
I think I know some of it. Phil thinks you paid off JTs medical bills.
Shawn was surprised. How did Phil know about that?
He heard Bo accuse Victor of paying the bills. He didnt believe Victor, but after he found out that you had access to money, he put two and two together. Did you?
Shawn nodded his head. I did.
I dont care that you took the money and helped your family with it, what Im angry about now is that you didnt trust me enough to tell me.
It had nothing to do with trust and everything to do with the fact that I was scared.
Of what?
Your father. What he would do to me. And what you would think of me. I was a kid, Belle. Barely 18. Your father convinced me that I wasnt good enough for you and a part of me believed him.
What did you think would happen if you came to me and told me that my father gave you money to stay away from me and that you took the money to help your family but you had not intention of staying away from me. Dont you think I would have believed you and helped you if I could have?
I was afraid that you father would tell you everything and convince you that I wasnt good enough for you. I didnt want to find out that he made you think that way about me and so I stayed away. All I knew was that as much as I loved you, I also loved my family and I needed that money, no matter how wrong of me it was to take it, I couldnt let my family fall apart.
What else was going on with your family that it was in danger of falling apart?
My parents had sold the boat, but needed more money. They were going to sell the house. And Billies lawyer had heard about the trouble that the family was having and was threatening to sue for custody of Chelsea again. I couldnt let Chelsea go through another custody battle. So I used the money to pay hospital bills and to pay Billie to stay away from Chelsea.
I shook my head. I touched his face, he flinched slightly, but covered my hand with his. You always have to take care of others, but who takes care of you? Your parents were taken care of. Chelsea was taken care of. I assume you felt that my family would take care of me. But who took care of you? You had to have been a mess.
You dont want to know the things Ive done to make myself forget.
If were going to have any kind of relationship, I need to know.
Shawn dropped his hand from mine and looked down before looking in my eyes again. I saw traces of that scared boy he must have been back then. Do you think there is any hope for us? I screwed up.
And I didnt? I told him. I could have been the one to apologize to you after our fight and then this whole mess could have been avoided. I could have looked for you when I got back from Europe. Hell, I could have contacted you when I was in Europe. There are things I should have done.
Shawn shook his head. Baby, Im the one that screwed up. I dont want you to blame yourself.
I grabbed his hand and held it. Right now, I dont think we need blame, I think we need trust and honesty. Ill be honest, I think we might have a chance at a relationship. What kind of relationship, I dont know. I know that I miss you and have for a long time. It felt good to find you back in my life a few months ago. At first I didnt want to let you go.
And I screwed it up, Shawn said, letting go of my hand, but I held onto it tighter.
No Shawn. No blame, thats not going to get us anywhere. Truth, honesty, trust. Tell me the truth.
I couldnt stay in Salem. I couldnt live my life avoiding you and I didnt really want to find out if you knew the truth about me or not because I couldnt stand to look you in the eyes and see you hate me.
Shawn, I dont hate you. I dont think I ever could.
You came pretty close that day at the pub.
Angry, hurt, disappointed, confused, yes. Never hate.
Whatever it was, I dont ever want to see that in your eyes again knowing that I put it there.
I dont want it happen again either, thats why were going to be honest with each other.
Yes. Okay, after I realized I couldnt live in Salem anymore, I begged Phil for money so I could get out of Salem. I then did an odd job here and there until I joined the Merchant Marines for about a year and then I worked my way through college. By the time I left the Merchant Marines, I had placed all my blame for my situation on your father. I know thats probably wrong, but hes the one who said I wasnt good enough for you, so I decided I had to prove him wrong.
In doing so, did you hope to get me back?
Shawn nodded sheepishly. At the time, I didnt really think about, but lately Ive had a lot of time to think about my actions. I think thats exactly what I was doing. The more ground I gained on your father in the business world, the more ground I wished I was gaining in winning you back. But you werent around in Salem anymore so whatever I was doing wasnt exactly rational.
You could have looked for me. Anyone in town could have told you where I was.
I didnt want them to. Partly because I was sure you had moved on and I didnt want to disturb your life and partly because I was still that scared teenaged boy who was afraid that you didnt want anything to do with me.
Ill be honest, Shawn. I did move on. Ive lived my life. Ive had other boyfriends, none of them obviously lasted that long, but I did move on. At least I thought I did. I convinced myself I did, but you were never far from my mind. Id see or hear something and I think of you and wonder. If you had come to find me, I wouldnt have turned you away no matter what was going on in my life. Even if we had only remained friends, I would have wanted you in my life.
Does that still hold true? Friends with hope of something more?
For now, yes, it does. If its something you want.
It is.
We smiled at each other then and I knew that somehow we were going to navigate through this mess and be okay again.
I started to swing my swing a little, which wasnt the best idea. The nausea returned. I probably should have warned Shawn that I had an upset stomach before we took off on a motorcycle. That probably wasnt the best idea to do, but one mention of that motorcycle and all wanted was a ride to anywhere with Shawn.
Belle Shawn said as I jumped off the swing, clutching my stomach.
Im fine, waving him off. I found the nearest trash can with Shawn close behind me.
Really, are you okay? Shawn asked when I was finished and plopped myself on the ground and took some deep breaths.
I need some water.
I think I have some with the bike, Ill be right back. Sure enough, Shawn returned a few minutes later with a bottle of water. He opened it for me and I used it to rinse my mouth before drinking two large gulps.
Thanks. Shawn sat down on the grass beside me. Can you take me to Bradys flat? Im staying there tonight.
Should be alone? You really dont look so good right now. Are you sick?
Im just fighting some flu bug that I cant seem to shake these past few weeks.
Should you be around Michael?
He hasnt been out of his incubator when Im around. Ive made sure none of the babies in neonatal have been. But
I wondered if I should tell him what Chloe suspected, especially since I was starting to suspect the same thing.
But what? Shawn asked, Youre not telling me something. Is something seriously wrong with you? Is there something about tomorrow youre not telling us about?
No. Everything about tomorrow should run smoothly. Leos a miracle worker and I trust him with Michael. Ill only observe from behind a glass window if Im still feeling like this.
Then what
I burst out laughing. I couldnt help it. Just the sudden thought of being pregnant right now after all that was happening in my life seemed incredibly hilarious. Im sure I was crazy. Shawn looked at me with a mixture of concern and confusion. Chloe doesnt think I have the flu bug.
Then what does she think you have? Shawn looked tempted to take my temperature. His hand was hovering close to my head.
I swallowed my laughter, trying to be serious again and looked him straight in the eye. She thinks Im pregnant, and Im beginning to think shes right.
He looked down at my stomach and then back at my eyes. Pregnant? How? No, I mean, I know how, but
I felt myself blush, Uh, we didnt use anything and I havent been on the pill for years. Ive been nauseous for much longer than any flu should make me.
Oh.
I dont know for sure yet.
When will you find out?
Soon, I guess. I havent had a test yet. Chloe just had me thinking about it this morning.
Do you want to get a test now and find out together? Shawn asked holding his hand out to me to help me stand up.
I nodded. I guess maybe we should, I said as I took his hand.
He steadied as I got up, even though I already felt steady. He also double checked that my helmet was buckled tightly before we got on the motorcycle. He made sure I was completely comfortable before we started driving. And as we drove, he definitely watched his speed carefully.
I had a feeling that if it was true that I was pregnant, he wasnt going to let me back on the motorcycle anytime soon so I tried to enjoy the ride as best as I could with visions of Michael and my possible own baby running through my head.
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