As most of you old timers know I love my sweet and precious Aunt Betty. She's having a rough time of it but her daughter has the family about ready to break apart.

Her daughter has been spoiled rotten and always has been kind of stuck up. In all these years I've only let her get to me once and I left my aunt's home so it wouldn't go any further.

Now that my aunt is in the hospital she has power of attorney and she's horrible. She called me yesterday and gave me an update and it seems she had been thru a lot with her mom that day. I tried to keep it about how my aunt was doing but my cousin mentioned something about my aunt wanting coffee when I was there on Monday. I told her yes that I had to go to the nurse a second time because my aunt wanted to go and get her own. Were trying to keep her calm but in no way was I rude.....it was just a cup of coffee. When she brought it into the room she sat the coffe down and said she had more important patients to do for..............with all the money we pay....I just don't understand but I said nothing because I will NOT upset my aunt. My cousin said to me "If YOU DEMAND things you WILL get an attitude and they don't like it." I lost it and let her know that I NEVER DEMANDED anything. ALL of the nurses have been hateful to both me and my daughter......I believe my cousin has said something to them and they are taking an attitude with us with anything that is said.

I'm about to loose it again with her. I've tried to understand but I'm fed up. I know she's going thru a lot but my aunt would really be upset if she knew what was going on. The found an ulcer and they think that's where the blood is going so the last thing she needs is upset. My aunt has told my daughter and I that her daughter is getting on her nerves....she always has but I respect my aunt too much to say anything against her daughter UP TILL NOW. I want to tell the B---- off. The last time she was in the hospital her daughter and granddaughter was talking to her about buying a car for her that my aunt had promised. Who would do that??? My cousin is getting most of my aunt's money anyway when her time comes. I'm not in the will but she's seen to it I got my inheritance before when I needed to keep the house.

I need to know how to control this rage I feel about attacking me last night and my daughter a few days ago. I've tried to be understanding but my aunt has been like a mother or sister to me all my life. I think my cousin is jealous of my daughter's and my closeness to my aunt and I guess she's about to get her wish and push us out. I can't take anymore pressure.

Thanks for listening friends and if you have advise for me I promise to listen....I need it. Love and gentle hugs, Tammy

Hi Tammy

Sorry to hear about your mean cousin getting under your skin...my opinion is...DON'T LET HER GET TO YOU IN FRONT OF YOUR AUNT OR NURSES. she wants you to blow so that she can say I told you so, another words she wants you to look bad while she's covering the fact that she is after money, I think, I apologize if i am wrong.

As far as the nurses in this area nurses are generally nasty, that is true, I've had dozens over the last years and thats the way a lot of them are...around here they are worked to death they say, well spending a lot of time in hospitals I noticed thats more of a way to demand more money and pity. They DO NOT have a bedside manner, they blame it on lack of nurses and staff to deal with patients, not in my opinion, I remember most of them running to no where. I know that sounds harsh but that is my opinion. once i had a nurse who was extrememly friendly, she talked to me when I missed my boys so much in the hospital, it wasnt five minujtes before the head nurse came in and gave her a talking to, for wasting time when other patients needed her more, she had just started nursing a month ago. there have been some great nurses dont get me wrong but mostly mean and sometimes even hateful...here in nova scotia the nurses will not get you coffee you got to ring for water if you are bedridden and be prepared to wait.

Anyway, sorry got off track, dont let your cousin get to you, she just wants to push you away cause she knows how her mother likes you...hope this helped, take care my friend and good luck with all of this...your aunt remains in my prayers.

luv
annie

Tammy,
I can only think that in dealing with your cousin you must keep in mind that she is also having problems. She knows how close you are to her Mother and I am sure she is jealous of the closness you had. She may feel like she never had this with her Mother. So I can only say this.

The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.


Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.

Proverbs 3, 5-6

I think at this Tammy you just must bite back what you really want to say to your cousin and kill her with kindness.

You love and devotion to your Aunt Betty is so beautiful. I may sound "too religous" but I truly believe God will bless you for it AND GOD IS BLESSING AUNT BETTY WITH YOU in her life: showing attention, compassion, interest and devotion to HER--your Aunt Betty KNOWS and feels comforted in you, at least and maybe at times--at best?
I'm sure dealing with selfish and insensitive family members is difficult, especially now. I suggest that you focus on how you care for her first in this situation and although her daugheter is insensitive, abrupt and annoying, I'd just "blow it off my back". I'd continue to visit and attend to Aunt Betty. you can also leave the room when her daughter comes and ask Aunt Betty "you need anything?" and then go get it...
Her daughter should be ashamed of herself..but then again at times like this, it's amazing how people are so self centered.

I think you are an awesome niece; "when the time comes, YOU will have peace in your heart that you showed Aunt Betty showers of love"

Blessings, Vee

Thank you all....your all very right. My cousin is going thru a rough time but she doesn't have to look for things to cause trouble. I would NEVER let Aunt Betty know what she's doing. My aunt isn't dumb although she's so sick. If my cousin and I are in the same room she'll know somethings wrong. I will try to visit during the day when my cousin is at work.

Your right though....getting angry and telling her off would just give her the right to say....see I told you.

The thing is I'm protective over my aunt and although I wasn't hateful but sugar sweet when I asked for the coffee, it is hard for me to have her so hateful about a cup of coffee my aunt wanted with the amount her insurance is paying for the health care.

I just wish I could tell her that her mother feels she's driving her up the wall...lol. If anything should happen to my aunt I will never tell my cousin what her mother says about her getting on her nerves.

Thank you all for the support and the wise guideness.

Gentle hugs, Tammy

Hi Tammy, I am in similar family prob.'s also. 3 yrs ago, same story as yours! Just with my grandpa... family NEVER around. Just me & 1 hr. after he passes, they tell me I have ONE HOUR to pack up my stuff & get out! I did but, doing 80-90 mph out the driveway! A*s holes!!!!

2 months ago, my only bro tells me he gambled moms brand new car (her b/f of 27 yrs. left her 15,000 to buy the car) part of me will always want to punch him & as my mom said, she never even had to. She is a strong lady! So, I fake it in front of others on both cases. I'd type more but, you got tons of GREAT advice. I'll type more soon but, cracked a rib last Fri. Go figure...LOL In the end, I decided that God knew what I did & that's what matters most. You hang in there... hoping by sharing that you may not feel so alone in this. I'm with ya girl! Luv, Karen

Sorry about your cracked rib Karen...that must really hurt. You take care.

I'm sure there are a lot of people who have the same problems we do. Wait until some day...not soon I hope, when my cousin goes thru my aunt's cancelled checks and sees that she help me out about $15K to save my home. She will hit the ceiling.

She gave my aunt problems with selling antiques my uncle had after he died. My aunt supported everything he wanted to buy and when he died she wanted new furniture. My counsin wouldn't let her sell most of it and made her give it to her although she says she paid for it. What she paid was what my aunt would have sold it for in a garage sale. She just wanted new, nothing wrong with that.

My cousin limits how much my aunt can smoke...how much bottled WATER my mentally handicapped cousin (her brother) can drink and how many pops. His meds makes him drink a lot of water and pop but he's 54 and is ok with making his own decisions. He doesn't want to go and live with her if anything happens to my aunt. My aunt had asked me if I could move into her big house and take care of him when she passes but he's getting where he's made passes....strong ones to me and my daughter and I had to tell her I had changed my mind and it wouldn't work. Now he's making passes at his sister.....she didn't believe me before until it happened to her.

What a mess. I love my aunt and am closer to her than I was my mother. I now feel I am uncomfortable going to visit her at the hospital. My daughter is going tomorrow and I'm hoping she will keep me informed as I don't even want to take my cousin's calls anymore. I've offered to do anything and everything to help but my cousin won't let me. I have to do some of what she wants because she is my aunt's daughter but when my aunt calls for cigarettes I went and got them. She's 75 and still in her right mind and I feel she has the right to decide what she wants. God Carla (MY COUSIN) would kill me if she knew. Some day I won't care though and I will be able to say exactly what I think of her but I never will tell her what her mother thought of her...not ever.

Thanks for letting me get this out. Tammy

Hey Tammy .. looks like you got a whole lot of good advise ....

To tell you the truth ..it is very hard ... and the better person will be you , by walking away .

I walk away alot .. and I'm scared that one day .. somebody .. somewhere , someone is going to light my fuse and they will pay for it all .. lol ..

You know that person you yell at or flip off on over nothing and it becomes a big huge ruckus over nothing .. once you look back at it ... and think about what is all the fuss about ?

Well that sorry somebody ..just got an earful of all that is built up inside of us .. .... because we walked away .. and let be..... especially under certain circumstances .. its hard not to speak up !


Keep an eye on your Aunts attitude towards her daughter and tell her,, if this continues Auntie , I 'm going to have to say something if you dont . Tell your Auntie .. that nobody's deserves to be ABUSED emotionally . Tell her its not healthy for her and that she needs peace to heal faster.

once she is feeling good .. if she would like to have a heart to heart talk with her daughter .. tell you Aunt you will be there to support her , when she is stronger and healthier.

You can walk away from this . for now ... and I know you will stay on your toes ... for your very dear Auntie .

Gentle Hugs

Thanks Red. My cousin called me tonight with an update so maybe it did some good to get upset with her last night.

Aunt Betty is disoriented so that scares me. Your mind shuts down before the end sometimes. I'm hoping it's just the meds.

Love you my dear dear friend. Tammy

Tammy, Hi! I wanted to tell you that when my Grandpa died, ALL proof of anything was destroyed. I owed him $1500.00. If I were you, get rid of the checks... blame it on your Auntie ...Cover that if ya can. I am going up north 150 miles to the middle of no where this weekend to my neice's Confirmation.Same town I lived in (I moved that far away from my 4 Kids to be with him) Hope you have a calm weekend...LOL, I know... Take care, OH I can be e-mailed at my daughter's name... amandaluvsslim@hotmail.com My kids are David 24, Rob 22, Amanda 21, & Andrew 19. How old is your daughter? OK, talk at ya soon, {{{HUGS}}} Karen

What I found to be VERY disheartening....is that sometimes when you neeed your family the most is when everyone pulls away--I don't understand it.

Thislast 9 months of my life, I've needed my sister the most( all these years I believed we were "best friends", but when I got injured, in pain, depressed, scared--mouring for my former life, etc--MY SISTER HAS BEEN NO WHERE TO BE FOUND, but rather has been cold and distant. I found(in my life anyway) that friends can be more caring than family at times... : (


Just a thought
Vee

When I got my settlement my Aunt wanted me to go ahead and pay off the house...the loan was forgiven. She has enough money to take care of her and her son for a long time to come but I told her I would pay her back. She said to consider it an inheritance since I wasn't in the will.

Thanks Karen, gentle hugs, Tammy

Tammy,
You are a good person. Would it help if you talked to the nursing staff when your cousin was not there so maybe they would know both sides of the story.
I have two cousins that went throught something similar. They were half sisters and the younger sister thought she was better than every body else and once my Aunt died and she treated her sister like crap she packed up and left and no one has heard from her or seen her since. Not even her sister. Not that we want to or that we miss her.
It really hurt my older cousin when her dad passed that her sister didn't even call her to give her condolences or anything. My older cousin always thinks of others like you do while the brat thinks everyone should jump when she barks.
I never did like her. She tried to push me out in front of a car when we were younger and laughed the whole time.
If your aunt is still in her right mind I would have her put something in writing about giving you the money and have someone witness it even if you have to take a friend with you. It could get ugly later on and I would hate to hear that you had to go through some ugly battle because your cousin thought you owed her something.
Love and Blessings,
Ann

Vee, those family members who pull away .. do not really understand .

Forgive them , most have no idea , unless they walk in our shoes !

SHOES OF PAIN

Walk on , chin up , go forward , continue on !
There will come many days those family members who dont really get it ... will someday believe they get it ....
I found with a few of my own family members of 8 siblings and there families .. Its hard to keep every one updated all at the same time.. especially if you come from a large family...
You try . .but you can never please them all at the same time.. It takes time...
Life goes on .

Forgive them all , and someday , which will come ! eventually ,, that day will be yours .

and you will have no more reasons to have to explain your symptons away to all.



Stay strong
=^..^=

I am realizing my choice of words are very confusing to me.

I typed , someday you will not have to explain your symptons ..

I want to change that to !!!

Someday you will not have to continuously repeat your

Medical Diagnosis , due to injuries caused by a car accident .

At no fault of your own !!!

My body is toast , WHOLE BODY PAIN ,

inwhich this news , is off the wall to most ,when a doctor asks me where do you hurt Red , I say " I HAVE WHOLE BODY PAIN FROM MY HEAD TO MY TOES ! THIS IS MY CLAIM FROM THE BEGINNING OF MY CLAIM , I speak the TRUTH ! I WOULD GLADDLY TAKE A TEST OF ANY SORT TO PROVE TO YOU I AM TELLING THE TRUTH ! ( JUSTICE ) PLEASE HOOK ME UP TODAY

How do you get everyone involved to UNDERSTAND .

Not happening.

Your sister Vee, needs time to accept you ,, as you are not that same person you were before .
And until your sister comes to terms in her own time .. only then you two will begin to heal and move on .

When we hurt , our family is hurt too !!
They just want the old Vee back .. and you are probally not there.

We have many problems as you can very well see here .. and it makes it =very tough to try an d make our family members understand the NEW US WITH PAIN ...

Sad but true ..

we mourn , they mourn

there is a big loss

and you still will hold on , because you love your sister .

It will eventually work out Vee, I'm thinking maybe give , your sister some space and give her time to adjust to the new Vee !

Good Luck

thank you. I did think of her differently after reading this..I am so hung up on my own suffering< I forget "how clueless we can be when we've never 'been there'".
what words of compassion and maturity. I admit I need to love her in spite of her indifference to my pain and lifechanging event...I sometimes fantasize she'll show up at my door and say, "hey, I'm sorry I didn't seem to care--want to talk?". I was the big sister.

I'm sure you all have these kinds of issues come up. WOrk issues, partner issues, kids issues(no more soccer mom for a while). One thing is at times I'm so ticked off--so interwined and overwhelmed, I guess that's part of the depression. I guess that's why we come back to this board: TO BE HEARD Because we NEED It


At any rate, my brother's in Iraq and I worry daily about all those boys over there.............such a stressor

I will trust in the Lord, vee

Good advice, =^..^=

Being strong is what we need to do; we are adults here. I know we have moments we cry. And I believe you're right about "my day will come". I once had an ambulance tech tell me, as she loaded me in the ambulance, "every dog has his day". that has helped me so much through the years and tough times
we all get the rain.


Again,thanks for the post, I"ll try to be stronger

Vee

How in the world this this turn into a Vee post?????? Talk about only focusing on yourself - geez!

Tammy, I hope things have settled down for your Aunt. People react to illness oddly sometimes and it sounds like your cousin gave an earful to the staff. Sad that was something she took time to do instead of just sitting with her Mom!

I always try to remember that my actions are all that I can control! I choose to remove myself from toxic people if that choice is available and know my life is mine, and if they want to be that way, so be it - I just don't have to waste my time watching it! Leaving the room when your cousin arrived was a good way to move away from the stress now you just have to pretend someone is at the door when your cousin starts to go off - or say, "I'd love to hear and update but have to (fill in) right now, why don't you leave the information on my answering machine so I can listen to it when I am done. I use that one on my own nutty cousin LOL

Good luck and my prayers and with both you and your aunt

Sky