Thanks Steve. One thing that scares me about medication is that a common side effect (from what I hear) can be sexualy function. I dont think I want to deal with that.
Have you ever been diagnosed with any mental health disorders in your life? Anxiety disorders? Depression?
No, I haven't. I do feel I have always been more anxious than the typical person, but nothing I would call severe. I have always taken things more persnally that I should. As far as depression, no. I get depressed and stressed about isses, but I wouldn't say its depression.
When did all these sexual performance problems begin? How long ago? Is there anything in particular that started this?
It's been something that I've dealt with most of my life. Typically, it was when I was trying to be with a girl for the first time. I'd just be too nervous to function. After that, I was fine.
As far as with my wife...I had this isses the first time we were together. The it was pretty much gone. While we were dating, there were some isses with an ex boyfriend of heres coming back into the picture. This stressed me out a lot and affected "little hemster". The first couple of times, the wife (then girlfriend) took it very personally and said some hurtfull things becasue she was hurt. That messed me up pretty good for a month or so. She was very sorry about saying the things she did, and we have never gone through anything like that again (7 years ago or so). But I do think that the functioning thing has always been in the back of my mind since then, and I feel more anxious about sex.
When we were trying to have our first child, I had this problem until we found out she was pregnant. Then it mostly went away. Sometimes, shes in the mood, and Im not, and I tend to worry about not being in the mood, and I worry I wont function...then I try to man up, but I cant.
Usually, its no big deal, and she is fine with it. It's something that happens occasionally. I get back on the horse the next day and everything is fine. However, this time with trying to have another kid, it is really affecting me. The first couple on months, I was just nervous at the time when we could concieve, but everything was fine. We just didnt get pregnant. As the months went on, we started paying more and more attention to when the best day would be to try. I litterally knew what day and what time I would be having sex 15 days in advace. Then I would have time to worry about not getting pregnant, or not being able to perform becasue it seemed more like work than fun. I started not wanting to have sex as much, and felt bad about that. The fourth month we tried, I was fine before the window of opportunity opened. Then during the window, I failed three days in a row. The fourth day, I mainatined function...but it may have been too late...not pregnant.
I was VERY upset that I may have missed the window, and we were not pregnant again...this time due to me. Pretty much EVERY day for the next month, all I could think about was we are not pregnant, we have to keep trying, and I can not perform. It consumed every thought and it was then I went to a therapist. I spent a lot of time looking online about ED/performance anxiety...The next month was the same story...I was fine right before, but no go during. After that try, I couldnt even bring my self to try and have sex for a couple of weeks. I just dont want to deal with the pressure, the failure, the negative thoughts, and disappointing my wife.
Its not just happening when we are trying to get pregnant. Now its kind of a constant thing..some days are successful...somedays not so much. Whenever we are trying to be with eachother, I am so freaked out and consumed about what's going on "down there", I don't focus or enjoy what we are doing. Then things fail and I get upset and more freaked out about next time.
There is the "problem" (sexual performance) and "how we handle the problem." Often, the "how" becomes even more troubling than the "what" as we struggle. So my question is: How are you doing in view of this struggle? Are you "beating yourself up?" Do you feel less of a man? How is this matter affecting the rest of your life, particularly your marriage, your work, your spirituality, your fathering skills and your sense of being a man?
How am I doing? I would say mostly not good. It's still on my mind almost all the time. Next week (the next open window) I am sure I will be a mess. If things work out with little hemster next week, I will nervously obsess about her being pregant until we know she is or she isn't. I am definantly beating myself up. I have bought a book about anxiety and am trying to learn relaxation techniques and all that stuff, but Im still having a hard time coping with the pressure. Less of a man...yup.
I dont think its affecting the marriage. We are still having fun with eachother. But I know the situation (both not getting pregnant, and the not having a whole lot of sex) is causing stress on me, and on her. We love eachother very much, but there is this huge speedbump right now. I am worried if this issue doent go aqay, it will being to affect the marriage. Yes, I feel less of a man becasue of this. I have a hard time making love to my wife and doing thigs that should come naturally.
It is definatly affecting my work becasue I obsess over the situation and currently have very little motivation for work. I feel angry/annoyed/and upset about this situation, and it carries over at work.
Fatherhood...I would have to say no effect. Being a dad is the one thing I can say I am great at.
Spirituality...I'm by no means an athiest, but I am not a very religious man either. I believe in God and I do pray occasionally. But when I pray about things like this, it makes me feel very selfish. I know there are people a lot worse off than me who are in need of help. My situation is not dire by any means. If God can hear my prayers, I feel bad about bugging Him with this issue.
Sorry for the book of a reply. I am trying to get better, and am willing to do whatever I can. I know its not going to be overnight, but it's getting old.
www.myspace.com/mimnaugh76
