I dont know what I am looking for, other than to try and get this off my chest.  I figured I would start on a largely anonymous board.   know this issue is not something most people care to talk about, but it has been weighing heavily on my mind, and I feel like I just need to “get it out there” and try to come to terms with this issue so I may be more likely to get over it. 

My name is Hemster, and I am suffering from extreme performance anxiety.  A little background…me and the wife have been trying for the past few months to have another child.  Our only child will be two years old very soon.  We both want another kid, and would like to have them no further than three years apart. 

Well, during the “window of opportunity” when my wife is most fertile, I have been an anxious wreck and haven’t been quite able to do much about it.  I just focus on everything way too much and get paranoid that I will lose my erection, and sure enough, once these thoughts enter my head, it all goes downhill from there.  Needless to say, this is getting pretty emotionally painful.  It has begun to spread from when my wife is ovulating into the rest of the month(s) as well. 

I have had reoccurrences of this issue for most of my life.  It usually happens when a relationship is turning sour or at times when I am stressed out.  But typically, I get over it pretty quickly.  If it happens, it happens and there is always the next day.  However, now that we are trying to get pregnant, there are only 2 or so days each month when we are able to conceive, and these days are very hard for me. 

Yes, we do have a child, but this issue came up when we were trying to conceive back then.  I got pretty drunk the night before, and while I was taking a nap the next day, the wife “woke me up” and I didn’t have time to freak out. 

Last month, I was fine the week before ovulation.  But when the time came, I just could not perform.  For three days I tried in vain.  I was finally able to do what I needed to do, but it was too late.  Ever since my wife got her last period, this has been pretty much the only thing on my mind.  During work, watching tv, laying in bed, waking up at 3 am…this is all I can think about.  Its affecting everything I do, and I am getting tired of it.

I went to see a therapist last week to talk about these anxiety issues.  I don’t think it helped too much.  Within the first few minutes, she mentioned maybe trying Viagra.  I wasn’t too happy that she brought this up so quickly.  I have no problems with medication, but I do not believe they should be the first idea.  I know my problem isnt physical.  Its mental.  Hell, if it was physical, I think I might be able to deal with it a little easier. 

This is really bothering me, partially because it’s a stupid issue.  My life is great.  My relationship with my wife and son is incredible.  We are all healthy, we are doing well financially, our family lives with parents and siblings is great.  Other than this issue, there is no depression in my life.  I just don’t get what is going on in my head.  Having sex is something the most basic lifeforms can do with ease.  Why is it so hard for me?  I wish there was a way to just turn off my mind, but I cant. 

I don’t know.  I am just trying to come to terms with this voice in my head, and admit its there.  Maybe that will help it go away.  The next window of fertility is this week (likely Thursday).  I am an anxious wreck.  I just hope we can make things work.  I cant take another month or more of this crap.

www.myspace.com/mimnaugh76

But (in my Precious opinion), what is happening is your whole sex life is putting pressure on you because "this could be it", therefore its NOT enjoyable. I know when a few of my friends wanted to get pregnant, that is all they thought sex was about. I told them to relax, enjoy it and don't even think about babies while your being intimate.

I understand about the time of ovulation and all of that but gosh, your not like a ticking time bomb that is ready to explode when the bell goes ding.

Maybe you can try to tell yourself that you are NOT anxious and stop putting pressure on yourself to perform. Start thinking how exciting this is and how awesome your wife is. And it may be that she is putting pressure on you, which of course would take the fun out of the whole process. Maybe Barbie needs to back off a bit and you two just go out on a date, enjoy time together and try not to be so anxious to "make it happen".

Maybe during the day, think about your wife, all of the things that turn you on about her. When that time comes that you are home, attack the woman and there ya go.

Enjoy your life now cause when little babies come into this world, you know as well as I do, you can just forget about any more intimate moments. There will be lots of interruptions and what have you.

It's really not fair for women to put their man in this kind of situation anyways. I once told a friend that hey, this is about loving each other, enjoying each other, not just making babies. When you do all the things before the making babies part, it just happens.

AND if you pretend you don't want anymore babies..it happens so...tell her to forget it, you don't want anymore, take her into the bedroom, make love to her like never before then let us know when her due date is!!!

Oh well, looks like she's not pregnant this month.  So be it. 

Other than being as hopeful as I am in terms of wanting another kid, shes not putting any serious presure on me.  Im the one putting the presure on myself.  It's just something I do.  I obsess over minor issues and make them way larger than they have any right to be.

I am getting past the sad, wonded phase and becoming a bit angry that I let myself get to this point.  It's easy for people (including myself) to say "just don't think about it" or "just relax", but thats pretty much impossible. 

The worst part over having this issue is its making me avoid being with my wife.  Thats just lame.  We have a great relationship, and she is very understanding about everything.  I just need to get over myself.

I cant promise myself I will be cured tomorrow, but I can promise myself I will try to work harder and have a better attitude about everything. 

www.myspace.com/mimnaugh76

Friend, I appreciate your willingness to put yourself out there like this.

Just my humble input ...

Hemster, I think you might know the obvious answer, but I'll state it anyway: See a doctor or find a therapist whom you think can help you work through these issues of anxiety. You already seem to know that matter is probably much more mental than physical, and as I began reading your posting, the humble therapist in myself figured it is probably more mental, or maybe even emotional or spiritual. In that light, I always encourage my clients to look at the deeper issues - those underlying matters that drive our behaviors, our thoughts, our fears, etc.

Now having said all that, I encourage you to be open to the possibility that a medication could reduce some of your anxiety.

A few questions I'd probably explore if you were my client: (Feel free to answer if you feel comfortable.)

Have you ever been diagnosed with any mental health disorders in your life? Anxiety disorders? Depression?

When did all these sexual performance problems begin? How long ago? Is there anything in particular that started this?

There is the "problem" (sexual performance) and "how we handle the problem." Often, the "how" becomes even more troubling than the "what" as we struggle. So my question is: How are you doing in view of this struggle? Are you "beating yourself up?" Do you feel less of a man? How is this matter affecting the rest of your life, particularly your marriage, your work, your spirituality, your fathering skills and your sense of being a man?

I'll stop here. What do you think?

P.S. I encourage you to continue working with a therapist, and FIND ONE who is the right fit for you in helping you talking through and work through what sounds like a crisis in your life. "Crisis" sounds like a strong word, but in case you don't believe it, there are many of us with unsolvable crises that can drive us to the brink of despair.

Be encouraged, my friend!






-Steve

Thanks Steve.  One thing that scares me about medication is that a common side effect (from what I hear) can be sexualy function.  I dont think I want to deal with that.

 

Have you ever been diagnosed with any mental health disorders in your life? Anxiety disorders? Depression?

No, I haven't.  I do feel I have always been more anxious than the typical person, but nothing I would call severe.  I have always taken things more persnally that I should.  As far as depression, no.  I get depressed and stressed about isses, but I wouldn't say its depression. 

 

When did all these sexual performance problems begin? How long ago? Is there anything in particular that started this?

It's been something that I've dealt with most of my life.  Typically, it was when I was trying to be with a girl for the first time.  I'd just be too nervous to function.  After that, I was fine.

As far as with my wife...I had this isses the first time we were together.  The it was pretty much gone.  While we were dating, there were some isses with an ex boyfriend of heres coming back into the picture.  This stressed me out a lot and affected "little hemster".  The first couple of times, the wife (then girlfriend) took it very personally and said some hurtfull things becasue she was hurt.  That messed me up pretty good for a month or so.  She was very sorry about saying the things she did, and we have never gone through anything like that again (7 years ago or so).  But I do think that the functioning thing has always been in the back of my mind since then, and I feel more anxious about sex.

When we were trying to have our first child, I had this problem until we found out she was pregnant.  Then it mostly went away.  Sometimes, shes in the mood, and Im not, and I tend to worry about not being in the mood, and I worry I wont function...then I try to man up, but I cant.

Usually, its no big deal, and she is fine with it.  It's something that happens occasionally.  I get back on the horse the next day and everything is fine.  However, this time with trying to have another kid, it is really affecting me.  The first couple on months, I was just nervous at the time when we could concieve, but everything was fine.  We just didnt get pregnant.  As the months went on, we started paying more and more attention to when the best day would be to try.  I litterally knew what day and what time I would be having sex 15 days in advace.  Then I would have time to worry about not getting pregnant, or not being able to perform becasue it seemed more like work than fun.  I started not wanting to have sex as much, and felt bad about that.  The fourth month we tried, I was fine before the window of opportunity opened.  Then during the window, I failed three days in a row.  The fourth day, I mainatined function...but it may have been too late...not pregnant.

I was VERY upset that I may have missed the window, and we were not pregnant again...this time due to me.  Pretty much EVERY day for the next month, all I could think about was we are not pregnant, we have to keep trying, and I can not perform.  It consumed every thought and it was then I went to a therapist.  I spent a lot of time looking online about ED/performance anxiety...The next month was the same story...I was fine right before, but no go during.  After that try, I couldnt even bring my self to try and have sex for a couple of weeks.  I just dont want to deal with the pressure, the failure, the negative thoughts, and disappointing my wife. 

 

Its not just happening when we are trying to get pregnant.  Now its kind of a constant thing..some days are successful...somedays not so much.  Whenever we are trying to be with eachother, I am so freaked out and consumed about what's going on "down there", I don't focus or enjoy what we are doing.  Then things fail and I get upset and more freaked out about next time. 

 

There is the "problem" (sexual performance) and "how we handle the problem." Often, the "how" becomes even more troubling than the "what" as we struggle. So my question is: How are you doing in view of this struggle? Are you "beating yourself up?" Do you feel less of a man? How is this matter affecting the rest of your life, particularly your marriage, your work, your spirituality, your fathering skills and your sense of being a man?

How am I doing?  I would say mostly not good.  It's still on my mind almost all the time.  Next week (the next open window) I am sure I will be a mess.  If things work out with little hemster next week, I will nervously obsess about her being pregant until we know she is or she isn't.  I am definantly beating myself up.  I have bought a book about anxiety and am trying to learn relaxation techniques and all that stuff, but Im still having a hard time coping with the pressure.  Less of a man...yup. 

I dont think its affecting the marriage.  We are still having fun with eachother.  But I know the situation (both not getting pregnant, and the not having a whole lot of sex) is causing stress on me, and on her.  We love eachother very much, but there is this huge speedbump right now.  I am worried if this issue doent go aqay, it will being to affect the marriage.  Yes, I feel less of a man becasue of this.  I have a hard time making love to my wife and doing thigs that should come naturally.

It is definatly affecting my work becasue I obsess over the situation and currently have very little motivation for work. I feel angry/annoyed/and upset about this situation, and it carries over at work.

Fatherhood...I would have to say no effect.  Being a dad is the one thing I can say I am great at. 

Spirituality...I'm by no means an athiest, but I am not a very religious man either.  I believe in God and I do pray occasionally.  But when I pray about things like this, it makes me feel very selfish.  I know there are people a lot worse off than me who are in need of help.  My situation is not dire by any means.  If God can hear my prayers, I feel bad about bugging Him with this issue.

Sorry for the book of a reply.  I am trying to get better, and am willing to do whatever I can.  I know its not going to be overnight, but it's getting old.

www.myspace.com/mimnaugh76

Being scared of the "performance" and whether it will be sufficient/good enough. I can relate through other aspects, mainly whether or not I will do a task or job correctly, and getting so scared and obsessively thinking about it so much, that I cause my own mess up, clam up and freeze up. I had a friend in college that would get herself in such a state before exams, that she had to see a therapist about her anxiety. One solution was to allow her to take the test by herself, in an office, instead of the big lecture hall, with people all around.

Hemster, your situation is not petty enough to not merit praying about! Do you know, I pray every time I get on the freeway, in my big city, just for an open spot to merge into? That seems very silly, but it works... and, it is valid! Your prayer is not selfish, in the least, because it encompasses the peace and happiness of not only you, but your wife, your child and your co-workers, from what you say. Did you think about that?

Well, I am no expert, except that I am older than you, and have gone through the child conceiving years. I would try (like I do with other life problems that I can obsess about) to take the attitude that when the time is right, it will happen. It is not on your time, it is on God's time. OK, so you want the nice spacing of whatever years between children... but, it won't be the end-all if the spacing is a bit wider, will it? You see? That takes a load off. We can't be so regimented about our time tables. Instead, try to get an attitude that when that child comes, it will be the best little personality at the right time, and it will be here at the right time. You guys aren't losing anything by going with the flow. Admittedly, I have learned this attitude over the recent years and didn't have it when I was younger. I also have given my timing up to God's schedule.

I wish you peace, Hem.

^..^ Julie