[FAJ] Fresh off a failed Psychology exam, I return!
by busy dub
"All rise!" shouted Hinako. The young sumo wrestler was dressed in a tan police officer's uniform, complete with hat and sidearm. "The Honorable Judge Joe Higashi presiding!" A door just behind and to the left of Hinako flew open and a spotlight shone down from the ceiling. With a flourish, Judge Joe Higashi leapt through the doorway and powerposed.
"Ora!" he shouted. "Ladies and gents, we... are... live!" To the sound of "Street Fighting Man," Judge Joe sauntered up to his Chair of Judgement and Mackitude and sat down. He tapped a button on his desk and the spotlight and music cut off. He looked over at Hinako and winked. "Hinako, babe, we still on for tonight?" Hinako blushed and nodded. "No, no, girl, that isn't it. Say it like you mean it! Speak the language of love!"
Hinako blushed some more. "Hina-chan will be there, Joey!" she giggled in a sing-song voice.
Judge Joe grimaced at her pet name for him. "Yeah, wear that schoolgirl number. The leather one." Judge Joe leaned back in his chair and put his hands behind his head. "So, who we got today?"
"Looks like our first case is Ghost Rider against Scorpion. The Spirit of Vengeance claims that the Chinese Death Ninja is guilty of criminal impersonation, copyright infringement, character assassination, and general annoyance. Lawyer for the plaintiff, Delita Hyral. Lawyer for the defense, Tiffany Lords." At Judge Joe's nod, Hinako continued. "The plaintiff will now state his case."
Delita Hyral, clad in full blown Sunday-go-to-meeting armor, stood noisily. "Your honor, my client-"
"Question," stated Judge Joe.
"Er, yes?"
"Where's your nose?" asked the Honorable Thai Fighter.
"Er, well," stammered Delita, "that's kind of... well... I'm just sensitive about my nose. Or lack thereof. Anyway, my client here is the Spirit of Vengeance. He-"
"Like *hell* he is!" shouted a voice from the back.
"Shut the *fuck up*, Vengeance!" screamed Ghost Rider. "The restraining order says fifty feet, motherfucker! Back off!"
"I *am* back, Ghosty! Fifty-*one* feet, to be exact. Why are you always acting like such a puss?"
"You broke in my house and tried to kill me!"
"I'm your arch-*enemy*, idiot! That's what I do! You should've fought back, instead of hiding in the closet and calling the cops. Punk." Vengeance stood up and flipped Ghost Rider the bird. "Skullfucker!"
"Hey! I was drunk, dammit! And I didn't enjoy it!"
"Order!" shouted Hinako.
"Double cheeseburger, hold the Shotoclone," chuckled Judge Joe. "Defense's turn."
Tiffany Lords stood up. Her rather... large... no, wait. Her rather *expansive* chest, which barely fit inside her grey blazer, bounced mightily, nearly putting an eye out. "Your honor," the lawyer drawled, "my client has never met the plaintiff, has no wish to meet the plaintiff, ha no idea what the plaintiff is talking about, and wants the case thrown out on the grounds that it is ridiculous." Scorpion stood slightly and whispered in his ear. "My client also wishes to make it plain that if he met the plaintiff in the street, that he would 'flip out and kick the shit out of that bitch for wasting my time.'" Judge Joe simply whistled and looked at her.
"You busty- *busy*, I meant *busy*, tomorrow?" he asked. "I've got some free time in the bedroom lined up, and I was wondering... y'know."
"Actually, I don't get many dates. I have trouble with sex though."
"Why?"
"My breasts get in the way," stated Tiffany succintly. She bobbled a bit to seal the point.
"Well, isn't that erotic," said Judge Joe. At a hurried whisper from Hinako, he sat up straight in his chair. "*Obvious.* I meant to say *obvious.* Not erotic. Really."
"Moving right along," interrupted Delita, "my client wants a restraining order and five thousand dollars in damages." Ghost Rider's flaming skull head nodded in agreement.
"Scorp," said Judge Joe, "your thoughts?"
"Nuts to that action," muttered Scorpion. He turned to Ghost Rider and shouted "GET OVER HERE!" Scorpion's spear punched right through Ghost Rider's leather jacket, hooked on bone, and snatched the Spirit of Vengeance towards Scorpion, who immediately uppercutted the offending Spirit. Ghost Rider exploded in a shower of bones. His head eventually bounced to a stop on Judge Joe's desk.
"Fuck," the head muttered.
The entire courtroom fell silent.
No, quieter than that.
This silence lasted for a full minute before the laughter broke out. Loud laughter. The kind of laughter that drowns out the curses of a flaming talking skull.
A flaming stick man with a skull for a head stood up in the back rows of the courtroom. "Ah tol' y'all you'd never amount to anythin'!" it guffawed.
"Zarathos?!" shouted Ghost Rider's head.
"Yep! How y'all doin' up thar?! Wait til Ah tell Ma!"
"You aren't my father, *dammit*! ...why are you a stick man?"
"Aw, Ah jest possessered this Mr. Skullhead feller." Zarathos/Skullhead sat down and laughed a good deal more.
While no one was looking, Scorpion teleported out. Noticing that her client was gone and that the Judge was groping the bailiff, Tiffany stifled her giggles and walked out.
Just outside the courtroom waited Tina Armstrong, Lei Fang, and Shermie. "Tiffany Lords?" asked Tina. At Tiffany's affirmation, Tina grabbed Tiffany and suplexed her. Shermie picked Tiffany up and threw her into the wall, courtesy of a Shermie Spiral. Tiffany slowly struggled to her feet.
"Why?" croaked Tiffany.
"Damn you and your whys," muttered Lei Fang, just before high-kicking Tiffany out of the window. "The skank shouldn't've bounced."
Luckily, Lei Fan didn't notice when Tiffany bounced back up past the window.
[---]
"Shimazu... I've come for you."
*noogienoogienoogie*
Hideo Shimazu fell back from his window, landing hard in his seat. The Smoker had once again snuck into his office and noogied the crap out of his head. "Smoker," he said, "this has to stop. Now. I could get caught."
"Aw, Red, you're no fun!" The Smoker spun his gun in his hand and grinned. Of course, Hideo couldn't see The Emperor and assumed that The Smoker was about to expound on someting. The Smoke didn't.
What followed was an awkward silence. The Smoker coughed to break the silence, but this just led to more coughing. Lots more coughing.
*cough*cough*cough*cough*cough*cough*cough*cough
"You okay, Mista S?" chirped Mariah-Net. The Smoker's coughing fit had gotten much worse in the past few weeks. However, he and Mariah-Net had devised a kind of system so that they could communicate while he was indisposed.
"Well, Mar," he gesticulated, "I'm having a bit of trouble breathing at the moment, but I'll be fine as soon as I get another cigarette. Ask Ol' Hideo about the package, will you love?"
"The package, Mista H?" asked Mariah-Net. Hideo moved a few things around on his desk and produced a manila file folder, only to jam it under his desk when Batsu Ichimonji barged in his office.
"Mr. Shimazu, did you know that cigarette smoke causes... hey, is that guy okay? Sounds like lung cancer... and throat cancer, to boot." Batsu started toward the still-coughing Smoker, ready to spout some more Truth (TM).
"Hey, kid," began Mariah-Net, "do you know what Truth *really* is?"
"Contagious?"
"Nope!" Mariah-Net pulled out her trusty mallet and showed Batsu the business end. "Truth is a bitch!" Mariah-Net quickly flattened the offending student and bounced cutely. "Mista S, you okay now?"
"...just *cough* fine, Mari-baby. Red, the file from your chem lab, if you will." Hideo slapped the paper into The Smoker's outstretched hand. The Smoker quickly looked over the file, and grinned. "Perfect. Red, we'll have to catch you later. Bye, now!" The Smoker turned to leave.
"Smoker... wait! Why do you keep calling me 'Red?'" asked Hideo.
The Smoker looked at Hideo, puzzled. "Isn't your shirt red?"
"No."
*BLAM*BLAM*BLAM*BLAM*BLAM*BLAM*
"Now it is." The Smoker turned and walked out of the late Hideo Shimazu's office, Mariah-Net in tow. "'Red shirt'... ha! Sometimes, I kill myself!"
[---]
Forgot About Jae, Chapter 24: Sacrificial -LAMBS-
Series forced into prostitution by Darkheart-01.
This chapter burned with lye by David 'black dub' Brothers.
[---]
CJ looked around at the gathered Violence Unlimited. "As I was saying, things just aren't the same with Sharon gone. My files aren't filed, and I have the biggest case of blue ba-"
"Boss," interrupted Poison, "why should we care? Give us a break. File your own damn files."
"..." said CJ. If his hair hadn't been in the way, Poison would have died from the daggers he was glaring at her. Really. "Fuck this. I'm calling an old friend. Get the fuck out of my office. All of you."
"Sir," began Jae, only to be interrupted by NEG dialing PEN-Fifteen. Come on. I *know* you know what I'm talking about. PEN-15.
"*Especially* you and her. Out."
[---]
Fei Fong Wong was running through Blackmoon Forest, rescuing lost air waitresses and killing various gods that were lying about, when he received a call on his PHS. "..." he said. The voice on the other end jabbered some more, interspersed with coughing. "..." he replied. The voice jibbered some more. Fei Fong Wong smiled, and ran to his house, still on the phone. The voice continued to jabber. Fei walked in his front door without using his hands, jumped up the stairs, and walked over to his closet. The voice jibbered and jabbered blithely along. "..." Fei quickly rummaged through his closet, and pulled out a jet black costume with an eight ball inscribed on its chest. "Yes, Smoker, I will be there shortly. Nice talking to you. Bye now."
F8Ball was back in business.
[---]
Give me some time to hit up GameFAQs for the Xenogears script, read over the Full Metal Jacket script Gavok gave me, and I'll have more. Much more.
dub
Posted on Sep 18, 2002, 2:04 PM from IP address 168.16.187.54