If you're in any way offended by kwetching, ranting, complaining and general wallowing in self-pity, click 'back' now. You're warned.
So school's been going seriously pissy the last year. I failed the lit study course last spring, the one that was kinda essential. No prob, I thought, I'll take the necessary courses for fall, then retake the lit course next spring.
Fall goes by, and I think I'm doing all right. I had to drop one course because the schedule was messed up - I had classes at different locations at the same time, sometimes three at the same time. But no, I somehow fail the tests on all three other courses. I thought I was doing well, but apparently I didn't explain things in enough detail. You know, all those things I thought were so obvious they didn't need explaining apparently wasn't. Crap.
Playing Morrowind did detract from my time, too. Shit, that game is addictive.
So spring rolls by. I have to change my plans a lot when I don't get accepted to the courses I signed, because I messed up and sent the papers in too late. Plus I don't get any student money because I didn't take enough points. Fortunately my parents understood the situation and would loan me money to pay rent and food. I don't really want to do that, but had to swallow my pride. Feels like such a parasite.
After lots of phone banter with student funding, I find that if I can take at least 10 points, I'll get cash. So no prob, just take a retest on two of the courses. The phil. course I had I don't know how to retake, since the tutor vanished off to England and never answered my e-mails. I sign up to write my exam, opting for a three-year plan instead of the planned four-year.
Then I fuck up and loiter away most time. I study well for the first re-test (Adaptive robotics), but no, I fail again. Crap, crap, crap.
Getting more depressed and irritated at my inability to get anything done, which in turn makes it even harder to study. Great crap.
The retest on the other course (Connectionism and AI) comes by, and I get the offer to write a thesis instead. 7000 words, but I get a month to do it. Great offer, right? 'Cept I loiter away that time too ("Oh, I still have three weeks. I don't have to do it right now...") Deadline's the 30th, and so far I've gotten little beyond nowhere. Huge crap, the size of which the gods themselves never seen.
So, yeah. Drop that rather than spend the last few days agonizing. Focus on my current courses and my exam paper. That one probably won't be finished on time, but I can get an extension over summer. It'll have to take the time it takes.
Fortunately I've got a good chance at a job over summer, so I should be able to pile up some cash. That's a relief, at least.
Yeah, I'm deep in dodo, and I'd probably be the king of the procrastinators, except true procrastinators don't care.
Sometimes I wish I hadn't done so well in school previously. All those years of progress apparently gave my fucked-up dumb head some notion of being 'smart', so I think I can accomplish anything. If I had more challenge, I might've actually, y'know, been able to handle it better. No self-dicipline at all. Reality's harsh, isn't it?
So, yeah. I've got loving parents that'll loan me cash for the rest of spring, no matter how much I screw up. I've got a job, hopefully, for summer. I should be able to score at least ten points for my courses and ten more if I finish my exam paper... though I have little faith in myself to do so. (I have time and resources, sure, just not faith to think that I won't fuck up again, y'know?)
I dunno what's worse: going under and knowing it, or seeing a chance to get up and succeed, yet keep fumbling it.
Life just sucks sometimes, doesn't it? Oh well. I'm off for a long walk in the rain to breathe and think, then back to do some non-thinking.
Posted on Apr 27, 2003, 1:17 PM from IP address 193.10.185.3