Why, no, I DON'T own any rights pertaining to "Batman," "Ranma 1/2," "Sailor Moon" or "Fruits Basket." And I'm not making any money off of this.
Mimir's Well
There are those gods (with a capital G) and demons (with a capital QZRT, and no being has ever asked why and lived to tell the answer) that have existed since before the dawn of time. Then there are the gods and demons that come into existence along with the worlds which they govern. And there are the man-made gods and demons, beings that gained so much noterity and belief in the form of worship, urban legends and folk tales, they literally become holy (or unholy) figures.
Which would explain why one Jack "Joker" Napier, demon of dark humor, second class limited (though he prefers "Dark Clown Prince of Crime"), was trying to tiptoe his way to Mimir's Well. There was no one in sight, but indiscretion cost him so dearly in his mortal state. He barely managed to stifle a chuckle when he pondered the things he could do to his old pal, the Batman. ALL of the Batmen. But first, a bit of a warm-up...
"FREEZE, JOKER!"
Joker nearly jumped out of his skin, spinning around. "BATMAN?!?" he shouted.
"Bzzzzzt! Wrong!" Toltiir, in his cat form, replied, walking back and forth in front of Joker.
Joker sneered and grumbled, "I should have known SOMETHING like this would happen." He dryly continued, "What's new, pussycat?"
Toltiir leapt up to the edge of the well and licked his paw. "Now really, Joker," he started with a chuckle. "You know that I'll take you over Mr. Freeze or -yawn- Bane any time. But that's not enough for me to let you get away with what YOU'RE planning."
Joker let out an exaggerated pout. "But Toltiir," he said. "Don't you think-"
"It would be hilarious," Toltiir interrupted. "For the first five minutes. Spending millenia cleaning up after it? Not so much so."
Joker let out a sigh. "Fine, fine. I don't want to call that much attention to myself anyway," he grumbled. He then put his hands to his cheeks. "After all, I'm shy."
Toltiir resumed licking his paw.
Joker snapped his fingers. "I got it!" he shouted. He turned to Toltiir, grinning maniacally. "It'd be a shame for me to have wasted this trip, so how about you and I have..."
Toltiir raised his right eyebrow, still licking his paw.
"...a little... fun?" Joker finished with a sinister chuckle.
Toltiir's left ear perked up. "I'm listening," he said.
Joker circled over to the other side of the well and explained, "It all started a few weeks ago when I was thinking of new ways to skin an old bat. Yes, there were the old standbys: Jusenkyo water, wishes gone horribly wrong, explosive flatulence. But I needed something different. Something that would stand out. Something that would make it clear to all and sundry that, yes, Batman, the joke's on you!"
Toltiir was about to tune out. Different villain, same rhetoric. Yawn.
"That's when I discovered THIS..." Joker continued, softly tapping the waters in Mimir's Well. The ripples blurred into multiple colors, eventually forming a clearer picture...
WORLD #NRS-MnH-00174
Seiji Sawamura let out a groan as he laid on his bed, placing his hands behind his head as he stared at the ceiling.
At high school, 17-year-old Seiji Sawamura was known as "The Devil's Right Hand" and "The Mad Dog," self-given titles that he later earned by single-handedly defeating the area's toughest gangs. His reputation was so well-founded, that a mere glance was all that it took to turn away all but the most hardened (or masochistic) hooligans. And when some fool punk made the mistake of messing with his friends or classmates, he unleashed the fury of The Devil's Right Hand.
He was feared.
He was invincible.
He was lonely.
Before beating the five armed Dekult gang members, he had been rejected for the 20th time. The same reputation that had hooligans, gang members and bullies running for cover scared away the cute girls. And, damn it all, high school was a waste without a girlfriend.
"I feel so empty," he thought to himself, closing his eyes. "All this fighting is pointless. Everyone at school is afraid of me. All I really want is a girlfriend and to enjoy my life like any other student. But if I told my buddies about this, I'd never hear the end of it! At this rate, I'll finish high school without a girlfriend! The only lover I'll ever have is my right hand... Having such a youth is too cruel!"
Angrily, he sat up, screaming, "DAMN IT! What should I do?!? I don't care who it is! PLEASE GIVE ME A GIRLFRIEND!"
[REALLY?!?]
Seiji looked around. That sure as hell wasn't his voice. If his voice were that high and sugary, he'd never scare anybody. "Wha-.. what was that voice?" he asked.
He caught movement out of the corner of his right eye. He pulled his right hand to his face.
Only it wasn't there.
What was there, however, was a small, naked girl with short green hair, yawning and rubbing her eyes. "Where am I?" she asked, sleepily.
"What the-?!?" Seiji blurted out. "Who the hell are you?!? Why is there a chick up my sleeve?"
The chick in question looked at Seiji. Her eyes shimmered, and her mouth opened wide. Her cheeks were scarlet. She then shouted, "SEIJI-KUN! It's really you!" and glomped his face, bringing the rest of his arm with her.
Mimir's Well
"Ah, yes," Toltiir said. "The story of Seiji Sawamura and Midor Kasugano. Girl meets boy. Girl pines for boy. Girl becomes boy's right hand. Wackiness ensues. But I didn't think you were one for happy, schmaltzy tales."
Joker grimaced and grumbled, "I'm NOT. When I first saw it, I couldn't decide to give them a dose of Joker gas or to make a beeline for the nearest barf bag. But then I got to thinking, Tolty..." Joker began to pace back and forth, a slow grin appearing on his face. "Oh, the fun I could have, giving ol' Batsy six arms, each one having one of his most vicious rivals. But I wanted to perform some test runs. After all, there aren't as many Bat-infested timelines as there are..."
The image of Seiji Sawamura blurred into the form of other high school students.
"...of THESE."
Toltiir raised an eyebrow, looking at the forming figures. "Hmmm. This... could be interesting."
"Interesting?" Joker asked, dropping a stone into the well. "Tolty, old boy, I'm not going for 'interesting.' I'm going for laughs. And I guarantee that this will be to DIE for!"
As the Joker laughed maniacally, Toltiir looked into the well.
WORLD #MA-Fus-0143
Ranma let out a groan as he tossed and turned in his sleep. His body ached. Stupid tomboy and her alleged cookies. The frying pan to the head that followed when he spit the cookies out didn't help, either.
"RANMA!" Genma bellowed. "Get up, m'boy! Or are you going to lie around and pout all day like a girl?"
Ranma sat up, wide awake, ready to knock his father into a satellite.
"Stupid panda! I'm trying to SLEEP here!"
Ranma blinked. That's what he was GOING to say, but he didn't say it.
Genma blinked. Ranma was still in his male form.
"Keep your voice down, you jackass!"
Ranma looked around the room. "Ucchan?" he asked.
"OH, HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO! Those foolish plebians who seek to deprive Kodachi Kuno from her beauty sleep shall soon feel my thorns!"
"KODACHI?!?" Ranma shouted, fully awake and alert, wondering where her attack would come from.
Unnoticed by Ranma, Genma was staring at his son, eyes wide, lower jaw on the floor and a shaky finger pointing at him.
"Crazy flower girl interrupt Shampoo dream of airen. Shampoo no forgive!"
This was driving Ranma bonkers. He could HEAR Akane, Ukyo, Shampoo and Kodachi yelling at each other, and he could sense that they were close, but he couldn't SEE them. He turned to Genma and shouted, "Hey, Pops! You haven't been teaching anyone else the Umisenken, have you?"
Ranma rolled his eyes. As usual, Genma wasn't confessing to anything. But instead of his usual "I'm only a cute little panda" routine, he just stared blanky and pointed to Ranma's four arms. As soon as he figured out what Genma di-
Hold up. Four arms?!?
Ranma raised his two left and two right arms in front of him. On his left arms were what looked like miniaturized upper bodies of Akane and Ukyo where his hands should be. On his right arms were what looked like miniaturized upper bodies of Shampoo and Kodachi.
Ranma stared at his four "hands" and blinked audibly.
His four "hands" stared back, blinking audibly.
"AIREN!" Shampoo shouted, launching herself (and the arm to which she was attached) towards Ranma's face.
"Ranma, my beloved!" Kodachi shouted, launching herself toward Ranma's face.
Ukyo, realizing that she was naked, yelled, "Ranchan, you JACKASS!" and moved to strike him.
Akane, realizing that the other girls were naked, hollered, "RANMA, YOU IDIOT!" Both she and the arm to which she was attacked glowed with a blue aura as they attacked.
Four fist-sized girls struck Ranma's head. One Ranma hit the floor, unconscious.
Genma, thinking that his son had the right idea for a change, passed out as well.
Mimir's Well
"I have to admit," Joker said, calmly. "When I first saw you and the others pay so much attention to this hermaphromorph and the bimbos who love him, I thought that someone had spiked your ambrosia. But now I'm beginning to see the appeal."
Toltiir looked into the well. "I'll admit this much; there's no way he can run from his fiances this time."
Where Does It Go From Here Dept.:
The first day of this particular development does not go well for Ranma at all. The fiances fight with each other as well as Ranma, making for bruises over literally every inch of his body. The situation grows worse when he's splashed with water. Not only does Kodachi STILL not understand the Jusenkyo curse, she attacks girl-type Ranma in a near-berserker rage. And let's not forget the kitty on one of his right hands.
Genma, understandably, is of no help. If he's not unconscious, he's laying low lest someone blame him for this mess.
Soun is also of no help. "WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY PRECIOUS AKANE?" Ranma and the Akane arm cower from the Demon Head technique, but the Ukyo, Shampoo and Kodachi arms beat Soun silly with Roasting Chesnuts speed. G'night, Soun.
Nabiki is torn between "Profit from this," "Save Akane" and "Make Ranma pay for subjecting Akane to this." She tends to favor choices one and three over two.
Kasumi is a tremendous help. Not only does her calming influence keep the four fiances from literally tearing Ranma to shreds, she comes up with such cute clothing for the miniature fiances.
Cologne falls off her staff and face-first onto the ground. If that wasn't ominous enough... "Congratuations, Son-in-law. You've dug yourself in so deep this time, I don't even know if 4000 years of Amazon techniques can dig you out."
Like in "Midori no Hibi," the bodies of Akane, Ukyo, Shampoo and Kodachi are in deep sleep. Take a wild guess as to who Ryoga, Tsubasa, Konatsu, Mousse, Kuno and Gosunkugi are going to blame.
To everyone's surprise, Happosai is actually helpful to Ranma. After all, Happosai is NOT into lolicon, and groping unresponsive girls, no matter how gorgeous they are, is no fun whatsoever.
WAFF moments where the fiances come to realizations about themselves and Ranma? In a Ranmaverse? Are you NUTS?!? ^_^ Failing that, something will foul them up to render them moot, such as the appearance of P-Chan/Mu-Mu-Chan/Ladle Lady/[insert running gag here]
Ranma gets killed by one or more of his fiances? A strong possibility.
Ranma and co. find a cure, and one or more of the fiances decide that Ranma isn't worth it (especially after a few lapses with Ranma picking his nose or scratching...)? Also possible.
Kuno finally obtaining his dream of marrying the fair Akane Tendo and his pig-tailed goddess? If Ranma's put in post-Catfish shock by Shampoo-Cat arm, why not? >8D
I wanted to write either a scene were Haruka and Michiru from "Sailor Moon" were joined at the hip a la Catdog or taking Yuki and Kyo Sohma from "Fruits Basket" and fusing Yuki's right hand and Kyo's left hand together with Tohru Honda. And because I'm a sick bastard, I'd have Ayame become Hattori's right hand. In Hattori's professional opinion, it's time to amputate. >8D
But it's late, and I need to be up in six hours, so it's time to sleep.
-Scott "W4" Watson
Posted on Mar 18, 2004, 11:26 PM from IP address 68.13.30.141