(12+K of ending stuff... scrapped some ideas I sent earlier again. Writing as I go along. Onward!)
In the last episode of Melrose Slums, Heather finally managed to wash her hair. She had just finished applying shampoo when the water company got wise and shut off her supply again. Luckily, Jack was there to fetch a pail of water...
Meanwhile, in the last Invasion Defense Force RandomLetter...
* Stuff happened!
* Stuff blew up!
* People did stuff!
* People said stuff!
* Letters formed into words!
* And many more stuff!
...
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Announcer voice-over: We apologize for the prior recap. We have gotten rid of our prior recap writer and hired a new one. Please wait a while...
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Sa huling kabanata ng Pagsalakay Puwersang Tagapagtanggol KahitAnongTitik...
* Nakita natin na--
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<Sounds of dragging, punching, and someone shouting "Saklolo!">
Announcer voice-over: We apologize for the prior segment and have fired both the recap writer and the person who hired him. We have hired a new recap writer. Please wait a while...
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Meanwhile, on the last episode of Invasion Defense Force RandomLetter...
* Kate and Zelenka managed to blow lots of stuff up. Well, Kate did most of it due to a penchant for button-pushing bordering on the psychotic. Zelenka also lost a chance to score. Too bad.
* Martina and Henze managed to successfully rescue Caldara... to both of their chagrin.
* The Morghol invasion was thwarted and the remaining Morghols returned to a dreary, albeit peaceful and docile, existence in the blue-collar labor industry.
* Dr. Janus von Stuckenbeufferder and Felyna Farhveghnugenpfau kissed and made up. They were last seen headed for the Andromeda cluster... where, as it is well-known in seven different star systems, there was small planet filled with casinos and 37-hour chapels offering wedding services for less than twenty gold-pressed Talisian chips (roughly $1.43).
* A product of a long standing tradition of efficient and meticulous executive clerical assistants, Miss Excelcia Frobish gained control of the new Targheim invasion force and was last seen heading for Earth.
* Oh, Grand Vizier Myron was coming with them, too, in case you're wondering.
* Hi, mom!
* The Atlantean base was seriously remodeled to accommodate the Targheimese defectors. Rosler was probably dead tired after all that. Let's give him a cookie, shall we?
* Queen Ohwa Tabih Chiam, Atlantean mistress of multi-tasking, Grease Monkey Kung-fu (tm), and scrawl deciphering techniques, learned that the Generic Large Ultra Godbot (GLUG) had been finished. Readers were left to wonder what it was... or why it sounded like a new softdrink.
* Martina learned that Hersh was her grandfather's old roommate's grand-nephew. Incidentally, she also thought she gained another angle in her triangle... making it a quadrilateral. Don't worry, it's still a triangle though... we think. It could be a rhombus, you know?
* Z(ah)k kept getting better at talking to machines... and kept getting to know more about the wondrous and breathtaking Queen Ohwa Tabih Chiam.
* Martina gained potentially damaging info regarding Zacquee's lovelife.
* Caldara searched for nourishment.
* Henze and Hersh illustrated why they both got F's in the Targheimese Military Academy's Pathfinding 101 course.
* Zorvax was fired and was last seen to be plotting death and destruction to his enemies, with the reluctant aid of an unfortunate tormented beanie-baby-loving engineer.
* Dag made his move... to enlist Zakkc's help.
* Molly got her hands on a new Ronan Keating album! Or maybe not...
Zakhe plopped down on the couch with a bar of granola. He looked at Dag, who was sitting beside him and munching on some Doritos. Zack sneaked a peek at the bag's label. Wasabi and cheese. He shuddered involuntarily.
"So," Zack remarked, taking a bite from his breakfast, "what're you watching?"
Dag shrugged. "Nothing in particular. Here," he said, tossing the remote control to Zack, "you choose."
Zack caught the remote control. He didn't have any particular show he'd like to catch... and he didn't know if the Atlanteans carried regular channels anyway. So, he pressed a number at random and pointed the controller at the TV.
The TV screen switched to a talk show.
"--and we have a special guest today," the talk show host carried on. "From way, waaaay out of town, we have Prince Henze and Hersh from the planet Targheim!"
Zack stopped in mid-bite as he watched Henze and Hersh appear on screen and wave to the cheering audience. Henze and Hersh took seats on the couch across the host's desk.
"So, you two have traveled some distance to be with us today," the host quipped.
Hersh shrugged. "You could say that. We did rack up some frequent flyer miles."
Canned laughter rang out.
"Anyway, what did you guys come to Earth for?" the host remarked. "Come to see the sights? Planning to meet any Earth girls?" The host wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.
Henze chuckled nervously. "Well, to tell you the truth, we came as an advance invasion force to conquer your puny planet. However, we changed our mind when we arrived."
The host drew back in mock shock. "My word! You're not kidding, are you?" He leaned towards the two. "So why'd you change your mind?"
Hersh pointed to Henze. "I just followed him. He's the one who up and defected first."
Henze glared at Hersh. He followed up quickly, "What my colleague meant to say was... my leadership was the catalyst for the change of heart of those who followed my leadership. My leadership is... after all, quite... er, leadery."
"Feh! I should be the one on that show! Feh! Feh!"
Zack turned towards his side and noticed Caldara throwing popcorn on the TV. Caldara was wearing a loose T-shirt and shorts and her actions were causing her upper torso to... jiggle distractingly.
Wait, wasn't Dag--
"Feh!" Caldara said, leaning back on the couch again. "Change the channel. This one bores me."
Still confused and staring at Caldara, Zack pressed a random channel on the controller. He watched Caldara continue to munch on popcorn and wondered if he was still sleepy and imagining things.
"--and now, for another episode of 'All My Relatives'."
"What do you mean you already know grandfather is an alien?!"
Zack turned towards the TV screen to see Martina pacing and talking on the phone... on TV. For some strange reason, she was wearing a red evening dress. Zack must admit it looked quite good on her.
"What dire fate must this be?" the TV Martina said melodramatically. "Why was I uninformed of this cruel fate?" She slammed the phone down and started to bawl.
"Man, I didn't know it would stink this much. If I knew, I would have told her to reject the offer."
Zack turned to his side again and saw Dag sitting beside him again, eating his Doritos. He looked around, but couldn't find Caldara anywhere.
"Change the channel. Something else good must be on," Dag added.
"Must be stress," thought Zack. "I'm imagining things that aren't there."
He turned to the TV and caught one last glimpse of Martina starting to weep theatrically while waving a mallet in her other hand, ready to smash the phone, before changing the channel. The screen changed to a fashion show. Gorgeous, yet seriously underfed models walked down a catwalk modelling the latest spring creations from Paris.
Zack stole a glance at Dag on his side and assured himself that it was still him there. "Hey, check out that model," Dag suddenly said and pointed.
Zack turned his head to follow Dag's finger, saw the model, and dropped his granola bar in shock.
Rosler was walking down the catwalk and modeling an evening dress that was all feathers and sequins. Looking at him, one would wonder how many chickens were wandering around naked that day.
"Woohoo! Rosler looks sooo cute!"
Zack turned and saw Molly laughing. He jumped up and looked around and even behind the couch. No Dag.
Molly finally settled down from the sight of Rosler's bizarre outfit. She had a glass of milk and started sipping it through a straw, making large slurping noises as she did. "Hey, hey," she said, turning to Zack. "You lost something?"
Zack stared at Molly. Milk moustache. How the he--
"Hey, could you change the channel to MTV? They're supposed to show a new music video today!" Molly exclaimed excitedly.
Now totally confused and weirded out, Zack pointed the controller at the TV and changed the channel to what he remembered as MTV. He also absentmindedly picked up his dropped granola bar and tossed it to the trash basket nearby. Going crazy or not, he wasn't going to be a litterbug.
"--is MTV News. In our top news, a giant robot was spotted arriving at the United Nations building. We have this report from our field reporter, Josh. Hi, Josh!"
Zack turned to the TV screen in time to see the reporter come on.
"Yes, Vic, we are live and in front of the United Nations building where a giant green robot has suddenly landed," the reporter said in a singsong manner. Behind him, Zack could see Unit Green, Terris, landing. The reporter continued, "--the robot appears to be landing as we speak. I will try to get closer and talk to the people there."
The TV screen showed Unit Green landing solidly in front of the United Nations building. The pilot's hatch opened and Prince Zelenka jumped out and down. The reporter was already waiting for him with a ready microphone.
"Sir, what is your purpose for coming over to the U.N.?"
Zelenka paused to remove his flight helmet. He ran a hand through his hair before turning to the reporter and giving a "I'm so smooth and debonair" smile. His face was directly in front of the camera when he spoke: "Take me to your leader."
The sounds of clapping and cheering caused Zack to turn to his side. Queen Ohwa was sitting on the couch in her overalls and excitedly cheering the TV. "That's it, my son! Oh, isn't he wonderful on TV?" Queen Ohwa asked, turning towards Zack.
Zack turned from side to side, looking for Molly.
"I'm talking to you," Queen Ohwa said, catching his attention. She was idly tossing and catching her large wrench on one hand.
As much as Zack wanted to question how the queen could juggle an object of that size one-handed, he realized the inherent danger and managed a gulp. "I--yes, your highness," he finally replied. "He looks quite dashing on TV. Quite dapper in his... er, flight suit."
The scene on the TV changed back to the newscaster in the studio. "We'll have more as the story develops. But first a word from our sponsors--"
"Boo! Boo! Bring back my Zelenky-welky!" the queen poised to throw her wrench at the TV.
"No, wait!" Zack moved to stop the queen, but he was too late. The wrench flew from the queen's hands, did several turns in slow motion towards the TV screen, and smashed it with a tremendous crash, coupled with some nice sparkly effects and small smoke explosions.
Zack stared at the remains of the TV before turning to Queen Ohwa again.
Dag was standing there.
"Remember our deal," Dag said simply.
Zack finally snapped. "What the hell is happening here?! First, you were there! Then, Caldara! Then, Molly and the Queen! And there was all those weird shows on TV! Am I going mad?!" he ranted.
Dag cocked his head to one side. "You're dreaming. Duh."
Zack stood stock still.
"Oh."
And then he woke up.
Zack sat up on the bed and scratched his head. On the other bunk, Rosler continued to snore lightly in his sleep. Zack shook his head to clear it of the suddenly remembered image of Rosler modelling a dress.
"That's it. Wasabi and cheese Doritos are on my 'Do Not Eat Before Bed' list," he thought, his eyes falling on the discarded half-empty bag of Doritos that Dag gave him after their talk earlier that evening.
"And to think I only had two," he thought. He shuddered and tried to get back to sleep.
"Listen up, Zelenka, we need to find the doctor's notes. The fate of this war might depend on it!" remarked the glorious and wonderful Queen Ohwa Tabih Chiam as she ungloriously rummaged through Dr. Stuckenbeufferder's underwear drawer.
Zelenka leafed through the January issue of Gentleman Galactic Mad Scientist's Quarterly and sighed. "Why didn't you just ask the good doctor about the GLUG when he was still here?"
The Queen stopped for a moment and thought. "He must have mentioned something about it, but I was busy at the time so I didn't hear a word he said."
***FLASHBACK***
"Listen to me, because this might be important," Dr. Janus von Stuckenbeufferder said in the other room.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah..." Queen Ohwa Tabih Chiam remarked lazily as she sat on the couch and stared at the TV.
"I might get captured by the enemy or killed before I give you the secret location of the Generic Large Ultra Godbot," he paused, "Or I may suddenly decide to get married and leave for a distant galaxy... in any case, here's where you should look--"
"I'm listening," Queen Ohwa said, not paying much attention. She suddenly stood up, "damn it! That's not going to run no matter how much you push it, you dumb jocks!"
***FLASHBACK END***
"Curse you, Discovery Channel! Curse you and your fascinating Junkyard Wars!" she thought savagely.
Zelenka raised an eyebrow, shrugged, and resumed shifting through the professor's bookshelves. He had just picked up a green-leather bound volume of "Hair Today, Wild Tomorrow, 2nd Edition" when a bookmark stuck between the books was dislodged and floated slowly down to the floor. Zelenka replaced the book he was holding and bent down to pick up the bookmark. He stared at it for a few moments before finally calling out, "could this have something to do with it, mother?"
The Queen rushed to Zelenka's side and stared at the bookmark. It had a Happy Indian Time logo (a Native American in full war regalia smiling and eating a barbecue) as well as the company catchphrase "Finger-lickin' Custard Pie" on it. Also noticeable were some indecipherable handwriting on the lower half.
"'Personal note: enlarge lower half to fit robotic creation. Make sure to tell everyone about it,'" Queen Ohwa read. "It's in Dr. Janus's handwriting!"
Zelenka tried to read the note and blinked twice as his eyes started to water. "I'll have to take your word for it, mother." He rubbed his eyes to get them to refocus and handed the bookmark to his mother.
Queen Ohwa turned the bookmark over and over. Her eyebrows knotted in confusion. "But there's nothing here about where he put the GLUG!" She passed the bookmark back to Zelenka.
Zelenka studied the bookmark again. "Maybe he hid it inside one of the Happy Indian Time restaurants?" he suggested. "The 'enlarge lower half' thing might be a clue. We might need to find one of their storefront statues with a large bottom."
There was a few minutes of silence.
"That might be crazy enough to work," Queen Ohwa finally said.