Monie (Login monie2007) from IP address 220.127.116.11
Hi - I wrote several months ago about my dilemma with my husband starting to "study" with the JW's. I was confused, scared and very, very lost. You all were very helpful, informative and gave me so much advice on how to deal with my situation. I truly thank you all.
A bit of an update... we have had major rocky times but over the last 2 months or so he has backed off and although he still "studies" with them on Wednesday nights - I won't allow it in the house any longer. (I couldn't handle them coming here anymore and told him that if he wanted to pursue this it couldn't be here in our home).
He did make an attempt to "escalate" his involvement at one point but he has backed off of that and the talk about me just not wanting to know the truth etc. etc. has stopped. He doesn't recite their crap nor does he get into discussions with me about what they "believe". Simply put we just don't talk about "it" anymore. We also haven't changed our lifestyle which includes our social outings (and although I know it is a bad habit he smokes still) and family life. Other than his Wed night "study" our life has resumed to normal.
He knows I absolutely am against this and if he wants to pursue "this" he will truly do it without me and the children. I took a lot of your advice and although I have made it clear how I feel and what the consequences of him choosing this road will be... I too "backed off"... my being angry and pummelling him with information I had learned wasn't helping. It did make it worse. I bought Crisis of Conscience which I am reading (and he knows that I am).
I am hopeful that he will see what he is doing and that this whole "religion" is not what they portray it to be.
Just thought I would post an update... Monie
p.s. Since I told him they couldn't come here anymore they now come pick him up for these "meetings" on Wednesdays and I just don't get it... can't he drive there himself? This is so out of character for him to be getting a "ride" somewhere. Is that part of the "control" thing? Just baffles me!
Yes ..you could say that him being dependent on them to take him to the bible study is a form of control as he just cant get up and go when it suits him.and sometimes it really is hard to say no to them as they dont take "no" very well...Iremember when I first had contact with them..I used to hide in my house hoping that they would go away unfortunately back then I was living next door to an elder and his family.
Remember...dont feed the monster........the more you oppose him the more you will draw him into the grips of the organisation as he will be told that your opposition is the result of the devil drawing him away from the "truth". active passivsm is the way to go.....be happy oblivious, that way he doesnt get the reaction that he desires to prove his point(I mean the organisations point)and good on you for setting some healthy boundaries.
I wish you all the best
"the more you oppose him the more you will draw him into the grips of the organisation"
Isn't that the killer?
I wish I knew what to say. I got involved with the JW's when I was a teenager. I was only involved with them for four years and it was just me and my friends (also teens). I regret bitterly to this day the pain I caused my family.
I wish I could go back and do that part of my life over again, but I frimly believe that my family's opposition did in fact drive me deeper into the cult, I believe to this day that if my family had treated it as a passing fad, I might not have gotten so involved.
ha, You sound like me! Except I never had them in my home. The ride thing? I have seen my jw do that, meaning takes people places they have no escape from. It keeps the jw's in control of the situation, no easy exit for the new study or non jw if things get hot. This backfires on jw's as a whole though. In one instance my jw took someone who is elderly and tried to talk jw crap to him and everybody who hears the story thinks it is immoral that he did that, giving the guy no way out of the situation when he didn't want to hear anymore. Negative publicity spreads fast, I use when ever possible. All the negative stories about jw's nonjw's find appalling but fascinating. Kind of like watching a train wreck you know you should look away but still you look.
I'm so relieved you don't allow the kids to go!! Me either, they never went nor would I let them. They are now aware of all the scandals, pedophilia, etc.... They also see the profound changes in their dad. Though he's not around much so I guess we have settled into having a part time father/husband. What with Tues, Thurs, Sat & Sunday meetings then all the dc's and special days and whatnot we don't see him all that much.
Marriage is a strange place to be with a jw. You no longer can talk about certain things as they have been warned off by the elders not to or it causes arguments. Some days it is difficult to be with someone who belongs to a group who thinks you and your children are worthy of death for not joining their cult. Then there is the control the org has over the books & movies even commercials that must be changed! Not to say we can't go out and enjoy ourselves for dinner or something, just there is always this big pink elephant that follows us. The wt is always there. Sorry you are going through it.
to add to what Tara said about the more you oppose him is so true.
That would be the very first thing I would jump on when I was studying with someone. I would tell them that any opposition was proof positive that they were studying with the only true religion.
In fact, that is one of the first things that they tell you to explain to the householder so that any opposition only strengthens their resolve to keep stuying.
One study told me that her boyfriend was very upset with her studying with me, but it only made her more determined because of what I had warned her about.
Other than that, he may go the full course and that would make things very difficult between the two of you, but as long as he doesn't keep trying to preach to you or the kids and just does his own thing, then that is a positive in an otherwise difficult situation.
That's the situation I find myself in with my wife. It makes for a rather "cold" marriage at times, but she does her own thing with the JW's, and I don't get involved nor does she get me involved.
While we seem to be at a bit of a "hiatus" on the whole issue right now (ignoring or avoiding it is probably more correct) and other than his Wed nights with them our life is now pretty much back to normal - my concern is if and when things escalate to the "full meal deal" as I have seen so many people here write about. I have clearly told him that I have no desire to become a JW, have no desire to study with them and more importantly have no desire to live like one. Nor do I want to live in a marriage "alone" or in a marriage where his priorities aren't me, the children and our life together. I don't think I can be any clearer about how I feel or what I see happening if he chooses this path.
The rest is really up to him I guess and I have taken all of your advice and am living my life as I always have. I try not to dwell on it or think about it too much but after all those horrible months when things were so screwed up over all of this I can't help but feel sometimes... when? When will it all happen?
In the meantime I can only make sure that he doesn't interpret my "silence" as giving in and accepting and I can make sure he knows that I love him as he is.
I was on the PBS Knocking website and am absolutely floored by the comments... unbelievable? I thought they told JW's to stay away from the Internet?
This message has been edited by monie2007 from IP address 18.104.22.168 on Jun 7, 2007 6:32 PM