First did some serious things, important to me. My household in state of mess. I went to the beach, strawled barefeet along the breaching waves. Watching sunset, I was spontaneously offered a glass of wine and a piece of bread by ppl next to me.
Entered a beach-dancing, for free because of my birthday and immedeately kissed. Dancing, encountered an old and new soulmates, abducting me at closing time for a skinny dip in the moonlight and other magical and healing adventures, that night and the next day.
I wonder wether the friends actually knew, why precisely the adventures were so healing, because then some people must have been researching my past. It is so precious and delicate, that I want to keep it safe and undisturbed in my heart.

Last night, again, magical dancing, a little kissing, goodbye and at the end three beautiful young women, I did not dare to approach, tyred and overwhelmed. Heard one of them say: I wonder why he doesn't just step right in front of you and dance; I think he is scared.
I am amazed. Was that really about me? Is my fear, my idea as a 50 y.o. man not being wanted by young women, an illusion? Still wondering.

Daredevil1975
- Who has told you, that you are anything but wonderful?

never know if you don't try!! I say....Go for it if that is what you want. You might just be suprised and have even more fun than you had already!!

Your birthday sounds great. Just doing ordinary enjoyable things with people you like. Wonderful. Happy Belated Birthday.


Best wishes
Love
Lin

good to me....all I get from younger women is.."can I help you up the steps gramps"...............Davey

good to read from you!

Daredevil1975
- Who has told you, that you are anything but wonderful?

(I have changed and removed some details for better anonimity, also added a memory or two)

The first time I came to the dancing place, three months ago, I saw ...
... a red haired woman ...
who I will call here with alias Amelia, at the dancefloor, felt a delicate tenderness towards her, assumed her young look out of my league. I greeted a woman at the bar. She told, that she had invited women for the birthday of her daughter. I felt jealous, wishing to have a father organizing a male bonding birthday for me. The mother pointed at
... the red haired woman ...
I still dream to become father not only in the spiritual way but also in the biological way. That moment I had the idea, that starting a relationship with a woman at the age that was mentioned for the red haired woman, and desiring to make and have children, would put too much strain on the relationship. I started dancing alone, some while later with the mother, and still later with a lady that I call Bridget here. I spotted the red haired woman at the bar, congratulated her and she introduced me to .. Bridget, who danced with me the rest of the night. We started kissing .. she asked my age and told hers. As we left, I told my fatherhood dream, but still asked her phone number. Back home I immedeately phoned her, heared her say she is in love with me, proposing me to adopt, touching me deeply. My desire to see children with my own genes said no to her. Still I wanted her friendship, to research our special vibes. I heared, it is all or nothing, but I could call again in about a year. A year that became a month, because I remembered her plan to relocate to another city and feared losing the ability to contact her. We agreed to make a walk together. I heared she had a moviedate that night, so we dated for the next day.
Not wanting to spend the evening alone, I went dancing.

I discovered a joyful, vibrant, later voluptuous dance with a woman, slightly mixed with some "no"-feeling. Telling that, I heared not to worry, since it is just dancing, that I was so enjoying the dance, that I was desirable to dance with. Back on my own on the dancefloor ...
... a red haired woman ...
in front of me ... telling me that we met on her birthday ...
Amelia danced with me, a muscular man and her sister. I told her that I still was in contact with Bridget, that I already knew it would not become a relationship, but still considered her special. We continued dancing. I asked her name and about the pictures, that were made of me by a black haired friend of her. Gave Amelia my e-mail address. At moments she noticed me out of contact and waved to me in the ritme, together with her sister. Somehow I felt a little bit played with. Precious, cheerful and painful sorrow at the same time, that
... I put my hand before my heart ...
I asked about her profession, heared a vague answer and a was asked back what I did for a living. That moment in the noisy surrounding I feared to tell having PTSS difficulties. Said I was writing and administring, which I do, but not for a living. Felt an intense painful, grieving distant. I saw her looking thru me. Heard Amelia say to the muscular man "psychiatric patient" and "offer a job"? him answering no. I saw her
... flipping her red hair forward and backward again ...
I eased my mind with the idea, that having kids with her considering her age and shorter length would be a risc. At closing time, I kept some distance. Feared to ask her phone number, craving while waving goodbye, Did I really see her craving too?
The next day the red haired was so present in my mind, that the walk with Bridget, with whom I wanted to research the vibes, felt so frustrated that she left in the middle of the woods, me having no map.
I continued walking on my own thru dunes, towards the beach, boldly leaving the path and thru the trees on instinct and desire to be one with nature. I encountered a couple, who pointed me at a deer with calf and handed me their fieldglasses. A special exchange of life stories followed and the direction of the beach, where I cried, deeply and intense. Phoned Bridget, hearing her say, that the muscular man was not the boyfriend of Amelia, a really nice woman, with whom having children would still be possible, that I was granted happiness. I entered the surf barefeet, grieving deep intense, tears flowing and happiness at the same time, one with nature. On my way back I spotted the beach-dancing where a danceparty was scheduled, just at my birthday, and where maybe, just maybe, I could find the red haired Amelia again.
I thought I found her at a hyves group for the dancing. For years and years, I wanted to write lyrics to sing and compose on. This time Amelia inspired me to do so. I sang, recorded, uploaded it and e-mailed the link. Allass, the recepient at hyves uploaded a profile photo, which clearly was not Amelia.
I already told some about my visit to the beach-dancing at my birthday. I hoped to find the red haired Amelia there, but didn't.

I remember, while I was dancing last Saturday in a magical creative trance with a muse, let me call her Deirdre here, who I met on my birthday, knowing she is in love with a boyfriend and her older sister, alias Elaine, having a crush on me at my birthday, there aside were more women watching us, heared one of them say "that man is a sweetie". I feared to look who spoke. Now, I guess it was ...
... Amelia ...
The musing dancepartner Deirdre kissed with me. I am not sure if she asked me about my contact to her sister Elaine before or after the kissing. I told we sort of broke up immedeately and explained later, that I told Elaine about my fatherhood dream in order to make clear what to expect. Later again dancing with Deirdre, I saw a younger woman dancing at the side, felt attracted and wondered. My mouth opened, to speak to Deirdre. She turned her head to listen. I feared anger and loss, and some vague idea of being someones possesion. Did not tell my desire. A painful moment, causing tension, regret, confusion in me. Some time later, I accompanied her a short part of her way home. Deirdre wanted to go home alone of course. A goodbye and I went back.
Back on the somewhat emptied dancefloor, the three beautiful young ladies I told about in my short birthday report, sensing my fear. I sat shortly to the side. I heared a black haired woman coming from the corner where I was kissed, telling other women, that Deirdre showed what a dick "that man" was. Shock. Was that about me? I blocked it away in my subconsious. Shortly later I felt drawn again, a red haired and a black haired woman dancing with eachother. The red haired looking at me seriously. Did I sense anger? I danced at some distance, fearing to come closer. Did I hear the black haired lady say, "he doesn't even recognise you"? - the black haired who took my picture? - The red haired ...
... put her hand before her heart. ... A deja-vu ... No, this couldn't be true. Have I been so consumed by the magic dance and all other experiences, that I didn't see her entering? Why was I so afraid to look who called me a sweetie? Why was that painful? I saw her
... flipping her red hair forward and backward again ...
Tyred, sorry, that the night was almost at an end and we didn't dance, I feared her anger, I couldn't face the idea that it was her, put it away in my subconsious and fled back to my spooked home at one o'clock.

Stupid thing is: I haven't felt the need for ejaculation, since her birthday, three months ago.

I associate it to many experiences, with my parents, for instance fighting over me. Not feeling free to relate or tell what is on my mind, associated with my mothers warning not to tell about some things. Also associated with being JW. My father and others expressing discontent about JWs. Fear to tell to "be" a JW, to streetkids, primairy school, even to my best friend at secondairy school. I wonder if I ever did.

Daredevil1975
- Who has told you, that you are anything but wonderful?