rang me tonight, she is thinking of confronting our step father about what he did to us as kids.....(he was only the "family friend" at the time he molested me (age 12 or so), but was with my mother when he started on my little sis....she is five years younger than me). We have never told my mother because we knew/know that she would never believe us..and then she would blame us....

I think we may be ready to confront him, but I don't think we are necessarily ready for what the repercussions may be for her...the question is....in confronting him, we could be destroying HER entire life (she is in her late sixties)....she has no idea of what might be coming....OR we need to be ready for her to deny everything, and cut us off completely.....

Our thoughts also, are (belatedly) to protect other kids.....but he is in his seventies, so is he still a risk..?

And he has his own family too, what would this do to them?

Jen...in Oz

What an unenviable situation you are in. I have never been in this situation myself. However, I do have some thoughts on the matter which I would like to share with you.

It seems to me that people like your stepfather are never too old to be a risk. I think any man who will molest a child, even once, is fundamentally flawed.
I do understand how you feel about your mother. However I think she has had a lot of years without worry, while you and your sister have had to deal with things that you should not have had to deal with and that in fact, she should have been helping you to deal with. Also, about our stepfathers own family...are you certain that he did not also abuse them?

Jen, ultimately, despite all the concerns you may have and the 'what if' questions, my thoughts are that you and your sister have to do what is right for you two. You are the most important people in this situation and you must do what will set your minds at rest and give you closure. I don't really believe that anyone else is in the position to tell you what you should do in this situation. This is about your life. However, I know that I would like to offer my moral support (and any other support I can) to you no matter what you decide to do. My very best wishes go to you and your sister Jenty. Please be in touch if you need to be.

Very best wishes
Love
Lin

you are a gem as usual....thank you so much. We have another sister who he did it to, too. BUT she would never back us up (she wants to stay in good with our mother). Our brother refuses to believe it, but he has always been the sort of person to back away from any unpleasantness.

Thanks for your thoughts about whether the stepfather is still a risk or not. When my sis and I were talking about it she mentioned that we need to protect other kids from him and my first thought was "surely not at his age". Obviously he still is....

His own daughters still welcome him into their homes, so I can only assume that he never touched them....but who knows..

Thanks again Lin, I appreciate your insight...and your offer of support.....that means a lot....

Jen

I agree with Lin, that you have to decide what's best for you.

I imagine it must be hard to have a genuine relationship with your mom now, believing that she would turn on you if you spoke truth to her. So, even now, do you have to keep things light so they don't get close to the "real"?

It's likely that the revelation will divide your family, but still I wonder about the value of relationships so brittle that they will shatter under the weight of honesty. That's only my assessment, of course; you may find that those kinds of relationships are important to you. They're what you have to work with.

Good luck to you and your sister.

Roxi

all out war with my JW family which is a large group of people.If the only way I can keep them is by it being onesided...I dont need them.I tried for years to just say nothing to keep the peace.....but I never had any peace.But now its let the chips fall where they may.I think they are a bunch of cowards that should know better[I understand they are brain washed and in a cult.]The last thing my neice said to my brother who has cancer was....."I hope you get better soon".Shows you what kind of Gal she is.....Davey

you are so right about the "keeping things light so they don't get close to the "real".

I really only have contempt for my mother most of the time. At the same time, I'm not sure that she deserves to have her life shattered, and I guess I'm not sure I could live with the guilt of doing that.....and I also know at the same time, I shouldn't be the one feeling guilty, but, there it is...

I would like to be able to confront him without her knowing, but I am not sure how we would go about that.

I'm not sure....at their time of life, is it right for us and go and blow it all out of the water? Or should we just let them be?? It is going to take some thinking about.....

Jen

I also agree with Lin. It is ultimately what will be best for you and your sister.

As far as the chances that he has done this to someone else or will do it as he ages, it is pretty likely he has and he will.

I did some research in college on sex offender treatment programs in the US and Canada. I have spent some time interviewing a woman who runs a sex offender treatment program in a Wisconsin prison. I have also interviewed a parolee. While some sex offenders (and it is a broad catagory) can be treated those who are pedofiles are most likely to reoffend, even after treatment. The man I talked to was a pedofile. He had been recently paroled. He told me he struggles every day. He didn't think like "normal" people. They use cognitive behavioural techniques to help these people. But still he "struggled". This man is back in prison after being out only a couple of years.

My heart goes out to you. What a heavy decision to make. My prayer/hope is that you will come to a decision that will give you and your sister peace.

Hugs,

Sheryl

This is the one place I feel I can talk about this stuff without a feeling of paranoia (sp?..Neil you can go away LOL), that someone will find out...

Whether we do or whether we don't confront him, it is really good to be able to put the question out there without being subjected to the "are you sure you haven't misinterpreted" responses...or "what could have happened in his life to go down this path"....to excuse what he did...

Again, thanks to all

Jen

And LOL looking back at my previous post, I said "I'm not sure" a hell of a lot.....LOL, god if you can't laugh at yourself you'd be lost.....

shush ...

"You are the sun ....
I am the moon ....

You are the words ....
I am the tune.

Play me .... "

yourself MR Neil!....where were you when I needed to talk to my friend???? At work I assume....or maybe at the beach having a nice old time.....?????

Jen