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So THAT'S what I'm doing wrong...

July 11 2002 at 3:32 PM
ThomasM  (no login)

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A! : Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will NOT make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.

Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: How can I calculate my body fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating
in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one. Sorry.
My philosophy is: No Pain = Good!!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You aren't listening!
Fried foods are cooked in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could
getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the real secret to healthier eating?

A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not. When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Absolutely not! Cocoa beans... Another vegetable. It's the best feel good food around!

We hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and your personal diet. So, have a cookie.

Remember: flour IS a veggie!

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