* All you need to know about men and women: Women are crazy and men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is because men are stupid
* To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
* "Just say no!" prevents teenage pregnancy the way "Have a nice day" cures chronic depression.
* Smart is when you only believe half of what you hear. Brilliant is when you know which half.
* A sigh is an amplifier for people who suffer in silence.
* Every cigarette you smoke reduces your life by 5 minutes, sex increases life by 10 minutes. So the basic theme of the equation is a fucking smoker never dies.
* Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
* It's best to keep computer nerds away from gun enthusiasts. Sooner or later they will figure out what they have in common: 'point and click.'"
* Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are "XL"
* People are strange: they want the front of the bus, the back of the church and the center of attention.
* Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn't be done.
* Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a mans genitals through his wallet.
* If God had meant for man to see the sunrise he would ave scheduled it later in the day.
* The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to the mosquitoes.
* According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
* Anyone who starts a sentence "With all due respect..." is about to insult you.
* "I know you can't get married on the money I pay you," said the boss to his new employee, "but someday you'll thank me for it!"
* Take a look at your tax bills and you'll quit calling them "cheap politicians."
* Women have many faults; Men only have 2. Everything they say, and everything they do.
* My friend admitted she was forty but she didn't say when.
* Good-looking lawyers earn 14% more than unattractive lawyers. That makes sense. If you know you're going to get screwed, wouldn't you prefer a good-looking person?
* A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
* Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!
* Did you hear about the Irish guy who thought that Alcoholics Anonymous meant drinking under an assumed name?
* An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't have small children.
* Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
* Blind dates are like chocolate - they are usually chunky and they quickly disappear.
* Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
* When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping..." Now I just "chunky dunk."
* Despite the name, K-Y Jelly doesn't go that well with peanut butter.
* If you masturbate with both hands, is that considered a ménage a trois?
* Whether a man winds up with a nest egg or a goose egg depends on the kind of chick he marries.
* Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
* A blonde is like a pooltable, put a dollar in and she'll rack your balls.
* He was a confirmed atheist before he got married, simply could not be made to believe in h*ll. But now that he's married, he knows that he was wrong.
* The difference between a divorce and a circumcision is... in a divorce you get rid of the whole schmuck.
* There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shit-head's.
* A true friend stabs you in the front.
* Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.
* Excuses are like asses . . . everyone's got em and they all stink.
* Vitamins are good for what ails you; VIAGRA is good for what FAILS you!!
* A good thing to exercise when you’re putting on weight is restraint.
* Just when you start winning the rat race, you run into faster rats!
* Running out of sausage is a busy pizza maker’s wurst nightmare.
* A pessimist has the feeling he isn't going anywhere and he's already arrived!
* Arrogance is the humility of the uncertain!
* Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will show you a man who can't get his pants off.
* He arrived late at the party to find he was beaten to the punch.
* It's always good when the TV weatherman is pessimistic about the weather. People feel so good when he's wrong!
* Life may not be all you want, but it's all you have.
* Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
* Talk is Cheap - until you hire a lawyer.
* If you have to get some money, borrow from a pessimist. He doesn't expect to get it back!
* A pessimist is a man who gets a clean bill of health from his doctor, then goes to get a second opinion!
* A pessimist is somebody who's afraid that somewhere, somehow, someone's having a good time!
* They say not to put all of your eggs in one basket, but I'll be darned if I am going to roll 12 shopping carts out of the grocery store!
* Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
* One Important Trip In Life Is Meeting Someone Halfway
* Nostalgia: I didn't like it then and I don't like it now.
* All The Fruit In The World Won't Satisfy A Craving For Chocolate
* Eagles may soar but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
|
