There was a virgin who was going to get married. She
asked her mother
if it hurt when you had sex. Her mother said not
really, but to help
you can use Vaseline.
So the virgin goes and buys a jar and puts it in her
suitcase. At the
hotel room on her wedding night, she is lying in bed
while her husband
is in the bathroom getting ready. She decides to rub a
little Vaseline on.
He comes out of the bathroom and she says, "Oh MY!",
and then rubs a
little more Vaseline on.
He gets half way across the room and she says, "Oh MY
GOD!!" and rubs a
little more on.
He gets right beside the bed and she says, "HOLY
SH*T!!!" and puts the
rest of it on.
Her husband stands there for a moment and takes a
look. He then walks
over to her suitcase, takes her rosary beads out and
starts to wrap them
around his penis.
She says, "What the heck are you doing?"
He replies, "It looks a little slick. I thought I'd
put some chains on."
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A man longs to wed a maiden with her virtue intact. He searches
for years to find a virgin but resigns himself to the fact that
every female over the age of 18 in his town has been at it.
Finally he decides to take matters in hand and adopts a baby girl
from the orphanage. He raises her until she is walking and
talking and then sends her away to a monastery for safekeeping
until marrying age.
After many years she finally reaches maturity and he retrieves
her from the monastery and marries her. After the wedding they
make their way back to his house and into the bedroom where they
both prepare themselves for the consummation.
They lie down together in his bed and he reaches over for a jar
of petroleum jelly.
"Why the jelly?" she asks him.
"So I don't hurt your most delicate parts during the act of
lovemaking," he replies.
"Well, why don't you just spit on your cock like the monks did?"
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There were two gay guys living together. One of them lacked chest
hair and it seemed to become a real problem for him.
So, one day he decided to visit the doctor to see why he had no
chest hair and if there was anything he could do about it.
The doctor said there was nothing wrong with the guy, and
really the only thing he could do to try and stimulate hair
growth was to smear Vaseline all over his chest daily.
The guy was elated. He went home and immediately smothered his
chest in Vaseline.
When his partner came home and jumped into bed with him, he felt
the Vaseline and asked, "What in the hell are you doing?"
"The doctor said if I put Vaseline on my chest I might be able to
grow some hair"
"You idiot," said his partner, "Think about it. If that were true
you'd have a pony tail coming out of your ass by now"
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Some girls use Vasaline
Some girls use lard
But Lulu uses axle grease
It makes 'em twice as hard.
Rich drive a Caddy
Poor girls drive a Ford,
Lulu Drives a Chevy,
The've both been stroked and bored!
Bang-Bang Lulu,
Bang away all day...
Who's gonna do the banging
When Lulu goes away?
Rich girls use a kotex
Poor girls use a rag
Lulu's so damn wide
She uses a burlap bag!
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little jimmy a grade one student was on his way home from his first day of school.When he arrived home his mom naturaly asked him "how was your day" "it was great mom" he replied "i got laid".panicked by what she just heard the mother calls jimmys father home.
when he arrives home he finds little jimmy sitting in his room "so jimmy" says his father "you had sex today"."
yes" replies jimmy "well how was it""good" says jimmy "but next time i'm going to use vasaline" "why" asks the father curiously "cause" says jimmy "my bum hurts"
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Did you hear about the newly wed newfies who didn't know the
difference between putty and vasaline?---Their windows fell out!
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Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn`t bring himself to tell his fiancee` about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I`ve got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.
The wedding night came and went, and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don`t forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride.
Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife`s hand on the stump.
"Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I`ll see what I can do!"
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Nora's husband came home with a tube of vaseline and said, This will make you happy tonight.
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, she squirted it all over the doorknobs and he couldn't get back in.
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These two queers were stopped at a red light when this big semi-truck rammed their car in the rear end. The queer on the passenger side grabbed his purse and ran back to the drivers side of the semi and looked up at the truck driver and said. we're gonna sue, sue, sue.. The truck driver looked down at him and said, suck my dick. The queer ran back to the car and told his buddy, I think he wants to settle out of court.
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