Twas The Night Before

'Twas the night before Xmas and all through the house
The whole damn family was drunk as a louse
Grandma and Grandpa were singing a song
And the kid was in bed flogging his dong


Ma, home from the cat house, and me out of jail
Had just crawled into bed for a nice piece of tail
When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter
I jumped out of bed to see what was the matter


Away to the window I flew like a flash
Threw open the shutters and fell on my ass
The moon on the crest of the new fallen snow
Gave a whore-house-like luster to the objects below


When what to my blood shot eyes should appear
But a rusty old sleigh and two mangy reindeer
With a little old driver a pounding his dick
I knew in a moment, it must be Saint Nick


Slower than snails his reindeer they came
He bitched and he swore as he called them by name
Now Dancer, now Prancer, up over the walls
Quick now, damn it, or I'll cut out your balls.


Then up to the roof he stumbled and fell
And came down the chimney like a bat out of hell
He staggered and stomped and went to the door
Tripped on his peter, and fell on the floor


I heard him exclaim, as he rode out of sight:
Piss on you all, this is a hell of a night.