THE HISTERIA FACTOR
…or…
BILL O'REILLY'S REALLY BAD DAY
Hey, hey, hey everyone!!! I'm back! While I'm finishing my WoO-HH-H! crossover, I thought I'd give you guys a short little skit thingy I thought up while watching my THIRD favorite show…or maybe my first favorite "real" show--the O'Reilly Factor. I know…everyone must be thinking 'Sheesh, this girl has some problems!', but Bill O'Reilly is definitely great, and hey…if I can do Hogan's Heroes and Histeria!, I can do this, right!? Oh well…here goes…
(Opening Scene: Father Time, and the World's Oldest Woman are standing in a TV studio, looking impatient. Father Time keeps checking his watch.)
WOW: Where is this guy!
Father Time: We'll give him a few moments. I can't believe we were tricked into doing this.
WOW: Tricked? Who was tricked!? I told you from the beginning this was a stupid idea.
Father Time: No! You were all for it!
WOW: I was NOT!
Father Time: Were TOO!
WOW: Was NOT!
(This goes on for a few minutes until Sammy Melman, Chit Chatterson, and Lucky Bob enter the studio. Lucky Bob has a microphone shoved up his nose. No one seems to find this odd.)
Sammy: (pushing himself between Father Time & WOW) Come on people! He's coming up the stairs now! We want to make a good impression!
WOW: This is all your fault, Melman.
Father Time: I TOLD you it wasn't my fault!
WOW: Stay out of this, you antiquated sack of dried-up bones.
Sammy: What's my fault!?
WOW: I'm accusing you in advance, because I KNOW this is NOT going to work.
Sammy: How can you know?
Chit: Sammy, nothing you ever do works.
Sammy: Shut up Chit.
Lucky Bob: (to Chit) You are correct sir! (Of course, this statement is amplified by the microphone, and comes out extraordinarily loud.)
(Cut to outside the door. Bill O'Reilly, the God of Journalism and Political Commentators, is walking up to his studio when he hears Lucky Bob.)
O'Reilly: Huh? What is going on in there!? (Pushes the door open, and sees Chit and Sammy wrestling on the ground, WOW and Father Time trying to break them apart, and Lucky Bob cutting up his papers) WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN HERE!?!?
(Everyone stops)
Sammy: (getting off the floor) Billy-baby! Mr. 'The Factor'! Great to see ya!
WOW: I knew this wasn't going to work.
O'Reilly: Who are you!? What are you doing in my studio? Why does that boy have a microphone up his nose?
Father Time: Because the camera wouldn't fit
(Cut to Froggo, who does a rim shot off the Histeria drums)
O'Reilly: Well that answers THAT question…sort of…but what about the first two.
Sammy: Well, Billy-boy…
O'Reilly: Don't call me that.
Sammy: All right…anyway, Billy…we have a little proposition to make for you.
O'Reilly: Huh? Who are you!?
Sammy: Sammy Melman's the name, TV is my game. (WOW, Father Time, and Chit make gagging noises. Sammy ignores them) Now, Billy, I've been tuning into your show. Great stuff!
O'Reilly: Well…thanks, I guess…
Sammy: But Billy, you're going it alone! No one does THAT anymore! You need support! You need backup!
O'Reilly: What in God's name are you talking about!?
(Suddenly the door bursts open, and the H! Kid's Chorus…Loud, Charity, Aka, Cho-Cho, Froggo, Toast, Pepper, and Big Fat Baby…pile in)
Kids: YOU NEED SIDEKICKS!
O'Reilly; AAAAHHH! GET OUT!!!
Loud: JEEZE! WHAT A GROUCH!
(The volume of Loud's voice knocks O'Reilly backwards, but he regains his balance)
O'Reilly: (putting a hand to his heart) Please, PLEASE, get out! I'm on the air in twenty minutes!
Aka: Then we caught ya just in time, homey! You need to vamp up this show, and we're just the ones to help you!
O'Reilly: No thank you…
Charity: But you need us! (Pulls out a chart, seemingly from nowhere.) See, kids aged thirteen and under don't watch your show.
O'Reilly: Well…it's not exactly aimed for them!
Sammy: Billy, Billy, Billy! That's the wrong attitude to take! You need to expand your demographics! Get the younger generations interested!
O'Reilly: Look, this a news show! Not some sort of comedy cartoon!
Chit: Sammy's right! Expand, expand, expand!
Kid Chorus: EXPAND! EXPAND! EXPAND! EXPAND!
O'Reilly; STOOOOOOOP!!!!
Chit: Come on, Billy, listen to this viewer! (pulls Toast to the front, then grabs Lucky Bob. Holds Lucky Bob upside down so Toast can talk into the microphone still shoved up his nose)
Toast: Your show is, like, totally dull. Major snooze-fest, dude! You need some entertainment!
Chit: See what I mean!
O'Reilly: I don't CARE what he thinks! I want you all out! NOW!
Sammy: Just one show, Billy! Let us prove ourselves! We co-host one show, jazz it up a bit, and we see if the viewers respond! What do you have to lose?
O'Reilly: MY VIEWERS! This is a SERIOUS program!!!!!
Sammy: Serious is OUT!
Charity: Just read the chart. (pulls one of those pointer things out of nowhere and taps the chart)
O'Reilly: (his face is red and he's shaking in fury) I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR STUPID CHART! OUT! OUT! OUT!
WOW: (sidles up to O'Reilly) Come on big boy! Don't you want a beautiful co-host, to catch the eyes of some of your male viewers?
O'Reilly: God help me! Please!
WOW: Then I'm the answer to your prayers!
O'Reilly: I said GOD help me…
Father Time: So Bill, do we have a deal?
O'Reilly: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
Sammy: I take that as a possible maybe. And as such, let's get ready for the Histeria! Factor!
O'Reilly: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(Twenty minutes later…Bill O'Reilly is sitting at his desk, looking very irritated. Father Time is sitting on one side, WOW on the other)
Father Time: When are we on?
O'Reilly: Never, if I could help it.
Father Time: Could you be a bit more specific?
O'Reilly: (growling) In a minute.
WOW: Good! You know, I always wanted to put myself out to a more intellectual crowd. I've always had a thing for the brainy types (puts her arms around O'Reilly's neck.)
O'Reilly: (Disgusted) Please get off of me. Please? Please?
WOW: I get it Billy…you want to save it all for when we're on the air. I got ya (winks and clicks her tongue. O'Reilly puts his head in his hands)
Voice from Offstage: Ok O'Reilly, you're on in five…four…three…two…Go!
O'Reilly: (trying to look normal) Hello everyone, this is the O'Reilly Factor…
Sammy: (poking his head onscreen) He means the Histeria! Factor!
O'Reilly: No I DON'T!
Sammy: (winks) Yes he does!
O'Reilly: Yes…whatever. Anyway, the format of the show will TEMPORARILY change…but only for today. I've agreed to allow a few…people…to help me host the show.
(Suddenly O'Reilly is cut off and the Histeria! Theme starts playing. Underneath it, you hear O'Reilly screaming various questions…i.e….' WHAT IS GOING ON HERE', or 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY SHOW!?' The theme finally stops, and O'Reilly appears, looking furious)
O'Reilly: What was THAT!?
Sammy: Your new theme music! Every good show needs theme music!
Lucky Bob: (Popping up from under O'Reilly's desk) Yes now! (Now he has two microphones in his nose, one in each nostril, and his voice is doubly loud)
O'Reilly: AAAAH! You're going to destroy my hearing!
Loud: (from behind O'Reilly) YOU THINK HE'S LOUD!
(O'Reilly screams and jumps on top of his desk.)
Charity: He's not happy.
O'Reilly: You bet your damn life I'm not!
(Lydia Kareoke comes walking in with a clipboard. O'Reilly steps off his desk and frowns at her. Lydia suddenly slams him hard with her clipboard)
Lydia: This slam is a slam CHILDREN'S SHOW! slam NO CURSING!!!! *slam, slam, slam *
O'Reilly: OWWW! JEEZE! Why did you DO that!?!?!?
Father Time: Lydia is our censor. She takes care of things like that.
O'Reilly: (turning to the camera) If anyone out there possibly can, HELP ME!!!!
WOW: Help you from what? Loneliness? I can help you with THAT (hehe)
O'Reilly: AAAAA! (Jumps up and runs to the back of the room)
WOW: The faster they run, the faster I chase after them!
(Bill Straitman walks up to O'Reilly and whispers to him)
Bill: My advice is just to get it over with.
WOW: (seeing Bill) Hmm, two Bills in one place! This is just getting better and better!
O'Reilly: Well, um…Old Woman…you can have HIM…I have to start the show for real…(Shoves Bill Straitman at WOW, and runs back to his desk. All you can hear for a few seconds is kissing noise and Bill's muffled screams)
(O'Reilly gets back to his desk. Lucky Bob is sitting in his chair, holding his papers. The 'Talking Points' board is on the screen.)
Lucky Bob: Today's 'Talking Points'…Bosom Buddies!
Cho-Cho: Lucky Bob! Turn those microphones off!
Lucky Bob: Yes now! (reaches up and flicks them off. They remain lodged in his nose, though)
Cho-Cho: That's better!
O'Reilly: (sounding as if he were in pain) WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!?!
Lucky Bob: Talkin' about Bosom Buddies.
O'Reilly: What's that?
Lucky Bob: Are you a giant chicken?
O'Reilly: Uh…no…
Lucky Bob: (suddenly jumps on top of O'Reilly, knocking him back on his desk.) AMEIRCA IS TIRED OF BEING LIED TO! WE WANT THE TRUTH!
O'Reilly: GET OFF ME!
Lucky Bob: We want the truth!
(Charity, Aka, Loud, and Froggo walk over in their hippie outfits from the 'Nixon' scene, with signs saying 'THE TRUTH', and 'O'REILLY REALLY IS A GIANT CHICKEN')
Charity: America is not happy with you
O'Reilly: How do YOU know!?!?
Charity: Would you like to see the chart? (pulls it out)
(O'Reilly screams, grabs the chart, and rips it up into little pieces, throwing them over his head. By this time, the poor man is really in a state…his ties is undone, his hair is all messed up, and his face is beet red)
Charity: I'm not happy…you destroyed my chart!
Loud: WHAT A GROUCH!
O'Reilly: (looking at the camera) I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I promise this will NEVER happen again!
(Sammy walks in)
Sammy: Hey Billy-boy, I just got the demographics! Kids LOVE this new show! Absolutely LOVE it!
O'Reilly: Great. They can all go to hell.
(Lydia runs out and hits him with a clipboard. O'Reilly falls flat on his face on the desk)
Lucky Bob: (switching on his microphones) BOSOM BUDDIES! GIANT CHICKENS! Good night America, and all the ships at sea…
(Cut off…)
Ok…well…*everyone stares at NH strangely, then runs away from the computer screen in fear*…I know it's kinda odd, but I'm actually thinking of making this into another crossover series, like my H-HH fic. Ya know, how O'Reilly tries to escape from the Histerians, or something like that. Anyway, I was up pretty late, so don't be too harsh!
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