(Taking a little break from my Newspaper Wars story to do another one of these…)
(Typical ETH opening scene, only Lucky Bob is gone. Bill is smiling widely about that fact)
Bill: Hello everyone, and welcome to another exciting episode of Eyewitness to History! As you can see, my temporary co-host, Lucky Bob, is no longer with us. (thinks about what he just said, and frowns) Oh…wait, I don't mean he's dead! I mean, he can't be on the show anymore. I threatened to blow up the studio if he came back again, and my idiot producer Sammy Melman finally agreed. So here I am, going solo. Hopefully today we can have a nice, normal program. Anyway, please welcome our special guest, General James Wolfe!!
(Applause. A man walks out, dressed in am 18th-century British army uniform. He's tall and thin, with big blue eyes and red hair. He waves to the audience, then sits down.)
General Wolfe: Hello Bill.
Bill: Glad to have you on the show. Hopefully you won't be harassed.
General Wolfe: Hopefully…I've seen the previous episodes.
Bill: Well, I'm going solo today, so you won't have anything to worry about.
General Wolfe: Good…
(He's cut off when Sammy Melman runs onstage. Bill jumps out of his chair and tries to physically push Melman back, but fails. Melman grabs Bill and throws him back in his chair)
Bill: Sammy please, PLEASE! Let me have ONE show! PLEASE!
Sammy: Look, if I wasn't the producer, I WOULD…but I'm tied by the system! Anyway, you should like our new co-host…
General Wolfe: Hey, wait, you said there'd be nothing to worry about, Bill…
Bill: I had thought there wouldn't be! (gives Sammy a nasty look)
Sammy: Ok, here he comes…(motions offstage)
(Bill watches, grinding his teeth together in rage. He doesn't see anyone.)
Bill: Who is it?
(Suddenly, all those cartoonish scent-marks come floating into the room. General Wolfe covers his nose with his hand and starts coughing)
General Wolfe: God! cough what is cough that!?
Bill: Oh no…come ON Sammy!
Sammy: Hey, the kids love him! (runs back offstage)
General Wolfe: Wait, I don't get it…what's going on.
Bill: (his head in his hands) You'll see…
(Big Fat Baby comes crawling onstage, and pulls himself up into the co-host chair. He's really stinking up the place, and General Wolfe removes his cravat and ties it around his mouth and nose)
Bill: I'm sorry about this.
General Wolfe: (muffled) Yes…whatever. Let's just get this over with.
(Bill is about to ask General Wolfe some questions when Big Fat Baby screams to cut him off. Bill stops)
BFB: pee pa pitty poo stinky goo?
General Wolfe: Excuse me?
BFB: PEE PA PITTY POO STINKY GOO!?!?!
General Wolfe: I…I don't know what you're saying!
(BFB bursts into tears.)
General Wolfe: All right! Calm down…uh, ok, I was born in 1727, in England. I joined the army when I was 14. In 1757, the Great Commoner, William Pitt, made me second-in-command to General Amherst, during the Seven Years, or, French and Indian War. I captured the Canadian city of Louisbourg in 1758. My brilliant strategy led to my being chosen as commander of the British expedition to capture Quebec.
Bill: That's really interesting. Tell us what happened when you went to Quebec.
General Wolfe: Surely…ok, when I reached Quebec, I engaged the French forces under the Marquis de Montcalm. One night, my forces invaded the city, fighting the French on the Plains of Abraham above Quebec. Unfortunately, I…HEY!
(Big Fat Baby has crawled over to General Wolfe. He has stolen his sword, and is now waving it around in the air, pretending to be a soldier.)
General Wolfe: Stop playing with that! You don't know what you're doing!
(Big Fat Baby sticks his tongue out at General Wolfe and continues swinging the sword around.)
General Wolfe: Hey! Uh…baby! Stop! Don't you know that playing with that could be…
(He's cut off when Big Fat Baby loses his grip on the sword. It goes flying through the air, and gets caught in General Wolfe's epaulettes, missing his throat by bare millimeters.)
General Wolfe: (in a strangled voice) …dangerous.
BFB: Wheee! Yay!
General Wolfe: All right, that's IT! The French weren't this bad! (gets up to leave, but Big Fat Baby runs over and grabs his boot. He starts sobbing)
Bill: Can't I go through one show without my guest having garbage or ice thrown on them, or getting impaled!? Just one!?
General Wolfe: (Trying to dislodge BFB) GET…OFF…ME…NOW!!!! I AM LEAVING!!!! YOU FAT, UGLY, SMELLY, ROUND…THING!!!!
(General Wolfe finally kicks his leg hard enough, and BFB goes flying backwards. He ricochets off the wall like a fat pinball, and goes crashing right in General Wolfe's head and knocking him to the floor unconscious.)
Bill: Well…that's a new one.
BFB: YAY! (sticks his tongue out at General Wolfe's motionless form)
(Bill takes out a pad of paper)
Bill: I have to add…knocked out by a flying baby…onto my list of 'Things That Happened To My Guests' Anyway…I guess that's the end of our show. See ya next time on…Eyewitness to History.
Big Fat Baby: Stinky pitty poo!
Bill: Yeah…what he said.
(Closing Credits)
(James Wolfe is in a doctor's office, a compress against his head, which is all bruised. The doctor is writing on a pad.)
General Wolfe: For the last time, I got hit by a baby!
Doctor: (in a patronizing tone) Yes, of course, General, a baby! Sure!
General Wolfe: I swear to God! He also cut my uniform when he threw my sword at me!
Doctor: I completely and totally believe every word you say (Discreetly writes the word 'CRAZY' on the pad.)
General Wolfe: I AM NOT CRAZY! I TOOK QUEBEC!
Doctor: (underlining 'crazy' three times) Sure you did…
General Wolfe: AAAAHHHHHH! (runs out of the room, screaming)
Well, someone may beat me in writing better historical sketches...this was good. The French and Indian War is a period I'm very interested in...so this was gold for me. KEEP IT UP!
