(Normal opening. Bill is back, and he looks a lot more…um…sane, than when we last left him. He’s also alone again)
Bill: Hello everyone. Before I introduce our very, very special guest, let me apologize for my behavior yesterday. That Braddock jerk just got me so mad! (Takes a deep breath) Anyway, Sammy told me the ratings were way up after my…outburst, so he agreed that I could go it alone one more time. All right, let me introduce today’s guest…General Ambrose Powell, a.k.a. AP, Hill!
(Loud clapping. A man walks out, stately, dignified, but with more than a touch of down-home, old-fashioned, chivalrous, honorable, rebel charm! He’s wearing a clean, gray uniform, leather gloves, and a saber is at his belt. He takes off his cap, bows to the audience, and walks to the guest’s chair)
Bill: Welcome General Hill!
General Hill: It’s an honor to be here!
Bill: (taken aback) You’re saying that after watching our…previous shows?
General Hill: Well, I thought they were pretty funny…and after all, I am ‘the Forgotten General’ of the South. Maybe I can get a little publicity here.
Bill: Well…ok! That’s great to hear, General Hill.
General Hill: Thanks for saying that, Bill.
Bill: Anyway, why don’t you tell everyone about you…since you’re the ‘Forgotten General’ and all…oops, I’m sorry, that sounded really bad. I’m so sorry.
General Hill: (frowns a bit, but shakes his head and smiles again)It’s all right.
Bill: Would you still want to tell us a bit?
General Hill: Of course, of course! Well, I was born on November 9th, 1825, outside of Culpeper, in central Virginia. I entered West Point in 1842. In 1847 I fought in the Mexican war, but I didn’t see much action…the war was winding down.
Bill: Well, you would see a lot of action in the next war!
General Hill: Certainly! When Virginia succeeded in 1860, I succeeded right along with her, resigning my commission in the Union Army. I was made a Colonel of the 13th Virginia, and saw a bit of action in West Virginia, then a bit more in Williamsburg. In only 90 days, I went from Colonel to Major General.
Bill: That is absolutely amazing!
General Hill: Thank you very much! Anyway, I saw a lot of action during the Seven Days…the battles around Richmond. Unfortunately, I got into a bit of a fight with General James Longstreet, my commander. I was transferred to General Thomas ‘Stonewall’ Jackson. Jackson and I didn’t get along too well either, and he actually arrested me! While technically under arrest, I lead a successful march during the battle of Sharpsburg.
Bill: Don’t you mean the battle of Antietam?
General Hill: (darkly, almost growling) Well…if you want to be a yankee about it…
Bill: No! No, Sharpsburg is fine!
General Hill: (smiling again) Good! Anyway, I demanded a court martial, and General Lee pretty much shelved the whole thing. I made a few mistakes, though, my worst one being at Fredericksburg, where I left a gap in my line. We won the battle anyway. At Chancellorsville I redeemed myself, taking command after General Jackson was wounded.
Bill: Jackson died because of those wounds, didn’t he?
General Hill: Yup…and make no mistake, I was definitely not the man’s biggest fan, but he was a great loss to our Cause.
Bill: What happened after Chancellorsville?
General Hill: I received command of the newly-created Third Corps…also I was promoted to Lieutenant General…and I fought at Gettysburg. Unfortunately, a life-long illness kept me from leading my men at the battles of the Wilderness and Spotsylvania. I got well in time for the battle of Cold Harbor. Then, at the battle of Petersburg, my men were responsible for holding the main lines during the siege. I fell ill again, but I continued to fight.
Bill: That’s so amazing…you were involved in practically every major campaign in the Virginia theater of the war.
(AP Hill is about to answer when Sammy Melman walks out. Bill groans)
Sammy: I know you know what I’m going to say!
General Hill: Hello, sir, don’t think I caught your name.
Sammy: (giving General Hill an odd look, then answering sharply) I’m Sammy Melman, the producer.
General Hill: (a bit annoyed by Sammy’s tone, but still pleasant) Nice to meet you.
Sammy: Yeah, whatever, anyway…
General Hill: (really annoyed now…he stands up) Excuse me, sir, but where I come from, people are bit more polite when they meet other people!
Sammy: Look, I don’t have time for this! The ratings just came in, and people are bored to tears with this! Why don’t you have a co-host, Bill! Your guest is not getting harassed.
General Hill: (advancing on Sammy) I don’t think you understood me buddy!
Sammy: I don’t have TIME to understand you! Look at this! (whips out his chart, which shows a line graph. The line is going way down.) We’re losing viewers, Bill.
General Hill: (turning to Bill) I would hurt him, but we’re on TV…
Bill: Oh no, go ahead. He said the viewers like seeing people get harassed!
General Hill: (smiling) All right then…
Sammy: (nervous) Uh, Bill…wanna help me here…Bill! AAAAAAAA!
(A.P. Hill jumps at him, and your normal cartoon dust-cloud-fight scene thing occurs. The dust cloud clears, and Sammy is all dazed and bruised. AP Hill has taken the chart and broken it over Sammy’s head.)
Bill: That was totally great!
General Hill: Well, I can’t stand it when people are impolite!
Bill: You should try working for him.
General Hill: I feel for you, I really do.
Bill: Anyway, General Hill, before you leave, I wanted to read this poem for our audience…it was written by W.W. Scott, and it’s in your honor. Would you mind?
General Hill: No, of course not!
Bill: Good! (Clears his throat):
No Epitaph more noble or sublime
Hath e'er been writ in all the tide of time;
Nor yet can be. It doth all fullness fill
These --Death's undying words--"Tell A.P. Hill!"
Hill was already Fame's and Jackson's death
Confirmed her verdict with his latest breath.
So LEE's last words, as his great heart grew still,
were Fame and Jackson's own --- "Tell A.P. Hill!"
"Prepare for action!" Ah, the actions done!
These three have met on fields beyond the sun.
But Fame endures, and shall endure until
Her trumpets cease to sound --- "Tell A.P. Hill"
(Audience cheers wildly. General Hill smiles)
General Hill: That was beautiful! Thanks for reading it.
Bill: Anytime, anytime. Anyway, General Hill, it was an honor, having you on our show. And I’m sorry for the…er…unpleasantness…(motions to Sammy, still dazed with the chart around his neck)
General Hill: Aw, it was nothing. An honor to be here!
Bill: Well, that’s our show for today! Thank you for being here, and good-night!
(Closing Credits)
(General James Longstreet is watching TV. In a rage, he throws a coffee mug at the set, and it breaks)
General Longstreet: That rat! How dare he bash me on national TV
(General Lee walks in from the kitchen)
General Lee: Oh come on James, calm down.
General Longstreet: But he made fun of me on TV!
General Lee: No he didn’t
General Longstreet: Yes he did!!!
General Lee: Fine, James, if you’re so angry, why don’t you go on the show and bash him!?
General Longstreet: I think I will!
THE END
Sorry if this one was less funny because I didn’t harass General Hill, but I respect him very much, and I felt it almost…well…wrong to harass him. Which is one of the reasons I haven’t interviewed Hamilton yet…
H-F
...don't worry about it being less funny. I thought it still very funny. It's actually nice to have a change f pace and have Bill not be worried/angry for once.
I must admit, you know your stuff on your guests.
It's also good to see you keeping Sammy as his usual self, it's the first time in a long time he's been taken down for being so annoying...