(Scene 1, Father Time standing in space with his hourglass.)
FT: After months of no work, we the people of Histeria are proud to present…
Loud: (With falling credits) THE OUTLAWS!
FT: Coming up today on…
Froggo: Histeria!
WOW: Histeria!
Pepper: Histeria! AH-HA-HA!
Toast: Histeria!
Everyone: Histeria!
(Opening credits song: Histeria March.)
(Scene 2: 1920s Chicago)
FT: The place, Chicago. The time, the 1920s. Gangster Al Capone is the current king of the Chicago underworld.
(QC to Toast)
Toast: Like, what’s the underworld?
(QC to Noah Webster)
Webster: The underworld: The criminal section of society
(QC to toast)
Toast: Like, what’s “society”?
(QC to Father Time)
FT: Can we just get on with the sketch, please?
(QC to Ms. Info)
Ms. Info: Sure! Anyway, Al Capone and his gang specialized in crime in the big city, and just plain orneriness!
FT: In 1931, Capone was arrested on a charge of tax evasion. This would be the only charge that Capone would ever be convicted of, and it cost him eight years in prison.
(QC to Al Capone’s jail cell. The Edward G. Robinson character from the old Warner Bros. Cartoons portrays Al Capone. Pepper is standing by him.)
Announcer: And now, it’s time for Pepper’s Pep Rally! And here’s your host, Pepper Mills!
Pepper: Hi gang! AH-HA-HA! Welcome to my way cool show where I get to talk to way cool people! AH-HA-HA!
Capone: Hey, who let this nut into my squirrel cage, see? I always work alone, see? Nobody comes into my jail and pushes me around! Yeah…yeah!
Pepper: Al! AH-HA-HA! What a totally cosmic coincidence! I never thought that you would be here in jail!
Capone: Me neither, Artful Eddie squealed on me, see! I’m innocent, I tell ya’!
Pepper: Yeah, I know you are busy being in confinement and all that, but I just have to ask you, what are you doing in jail anyway? Did you sing a copyrighted song?
Capone: I ain’t no singer, see! I don’t know what you’re talking about, see! The cops got me on tax evasion. Yeah!
Pepper: Okay, so you didn’t pay taxes off of your CD sales?
Capone: I don’t know what a CD is, see, but I didn’t do it! Everything they say about me is a lie, see! The dirty rats!
Pepper: Okay, sir, moving right along. About this weird nickname, “Scarface”. How did you get that name? Did it have something to do with you running with sharp objects?
Capone: Whatever it is, I deny it, see! You can’t pin that rap on me, see! Now, go away!
Pepper: Okay, but before I go, I have to ask you, may I have your autograph, PLEEESE?
(Gives Capone her autograph book)
Capone: Okay, anything just so that you’ll go away, see!
(He signs his name and gives her the book.)
Pepper: Thanks! AH-HA-HA! I love you! (Looks at book) Hey, you’re not Weird Al! Gypola!
Capone: That’s it! I’m outta here, see! Guards! Put me in solitary! I am going nuts, here! Yeah! Yeah!
Announcer: So long from Pepper’s Pep Rally!
CREDITS:
Filmed on location in: Chicago, Illinois
Chicago portrayed by: Butte, Montana
Pepper’s wardrobe provided by The N* SANE fan club.
Loud: (With falling credits again) GREAT WESTERN OUTLAWS, IN GROUP THERAPY!
(Scene: Typical group therapy room with Joan of Arc, WOW, and three “patients”.)
Joan: Hello, all you special people! I’m Joan of Arc, and I’ll be your group nurturer.
All: Hi, Joan.
Joan: How about we all introduce ourselves? Let’s start with you, you cute little boy.
Billy: I’m Billy the Kid…
All: Hi, Billy
Billy: …and I ain’t cute! I am the roughest, nastiest, and meanest outlaw in the Old West! And I have the coolest intro, too!
(Enter the Kid Chorus)
Chorus: Billy the Kid we have gone on strike…gone on strike…gone on strike. Billy the Kid we have gone on strike…because Lydia’s head of our union!
(QC to Lydia Karaoke)
Lydia: There’s more than ONE way to skin a cat!
(QC back to therapy room)
Billy: Okay, scratch the intro.
Joan: Whoa! Classic age denial. I feel your pain. You sir, who are you?
Bart: (with John Cleese accent) Hello, I am the outlaw commonly known as “Black Bart”. I robbed quite a few stagecoaches in my day, and I was feared by all! Wasn’t that lovely!
All: Hi, Bart.
Joan: Oooh, power hungry! Where have we seen that before? How about you, lady?
Pearl: I am Pearl Hart, and you better not get in my way! I am the nastiest stagecoach robber this side of Arizona!
All: Hi, Pearl.
Joan: Okay, and now, I’d like you all to meet the World’s Oldest Woman. Although she was never an outlaw, we still haven’t found an excuse to have her here!
WOW: Hey, you better consider yourself lucky! If Slappy hadn’t been tied up, you would have never got me!
Joan: Okay, so, why don’t we try and find out what makes us us?
WOW: Would you believe millions of little strands of DNA?
Joan: Ignoring that smart-aleck response, let’s move along. Mr. Kid, what can you tell us about yourself?
Billy: I am the most famous outlaw in the Old West! I took on guys twice my age and won! I’m great!
WOW: I would have thought that you were “pretty good”, myself.
Joan: Billy, your age denial is completely classic! You are taking on too much for your age! Why don’t you enjoy your formative years?
Billy: Aww, but no one is going to cower at “Billy the Man”, or “Billy the Baby Boomer”, or “Billy the Old Geezer”.
WOW: Watch it!
Joan: We’ll discuss this in a minute. What about you, Bart?
Bart: Ah, yes. Well, I was a rather “ornery critter” back in the Old West. I mean, I robbed 29 stagecoaches! I always worked alone, and I let my 12-gauge shotgun do all my talking for me! The poor chaps on the coaches were scared stiff!
Joan: Was there anything else?
Bart: Well, my real name is Charles E. Boles. But my mother picked that, I didn’t!
Joan: And…
Bart: I also dabble in a bit of poetry. Some of my victims can tell you, I loved to recite for a captive audience! Ha-ha! I made a funny!
Joan: And…
Bart: Well, I’ll admit that I never loaded my gun. After all, I detest violence!
Joan: Anything else?
Bart: And, (sigh), I am afraid of horses.
Joan: Breakthrough! Your phobia only makes you want to show your greatness in other areas!
Bart: No, I’m just afraid of horses! They’re so big and…and…and…hairy! They might hurt me!
Pearl: Ah, snap out of it, you yaller-livered varmint!
Joan: How about you, Ms. Hart? What is your problem?
Pearl: I don’t have no problem! I’m the toughest ornery you’ll ever meet! I didn’t go around spoutin’ that flowerdy poetry stuff!
Joan: Oh, I see! The female warrior! Been there, done that!
Billy: Hey, lady! Where do you get off being ornerier than I am? I’m Billy the Kid!
Pearl: Yeah, does your mother know you’re out this late?
Billy: Why ain’t you home knitting sweaters?
Pearl: Been too busy clawing my way outta jail! Now, go take you a nap!
Billy: That’s it! Draw!
Pearl: What are you, yeller? You draw!
Billy: I told you first!
Pearl: Ha! You can’t outdraw me!
WOW: Ummm, Joan….
Joan: That’s right! Let all that bad energy out! Make way for the good!
Bart: Stop it, you two! You will only make matters worse! Why don’t you at least take the bullets out of your guns?
Pearl & Billy: You keep outta this!
Bart: So sorry! Go right ahead.
Joan: Bart, before they start shooting, I want to introduce you to a special friend!
(Enter Mr. Ed-type horse.)
Horse: Hiya folks!
Bart: AHHH! It’s a horse! Make it go away!
Pearl: That settles it! We draw on the count of five!
Billy: Okay! One…
Joan: Well, that about wraps up our first session…
Pearl: …two…
Joan: I’m sure that we all have learned a lot from our caring environment…
Billy: …three…
Joan: You are all starting to learn to accept each other for who we are…
Pearl: …four…
Joan: See you all next time on…
(QC to falling credits)
Loud’s voice: GREAT WESTERN OUTLAWS, IN GROUP THERAPY!
Billy: FIVE!!!
(Gunshots, and everyone runs across the scene with Pearl chasing them.)
FT: The year: 1924. The place: The Bureau of Investigation.
Miss Info: The Bureau, as it was then called, was a corrupt and disorganized organization at this time. And just downright lazy!
FT: But all that changed this year when J. Edgar Hoover became Director of the soon-to-be-renamed FBI. Hoover instituted many reforms, including promotions and recognition of his agents’ ability. These “G-men” would soon become the most respected law enforcers in the U.S.
(QC to Loud and Fetch)
Announcer: It’s Loud Kiddington and his dog, Fetch!
(Enter Kid Chorus)
Chorus: If you need a bunch of G-men, talk to Loud!
Loud: IF YOU WANT TO BREAK UP ALL THE MOBSTER CROWD!
Chorus: You can capture foreign spies…
Loud: …CHALK UP ONE FOR THE GOOD GUYS!
Chorus: Talk to Loud, talk to Loud, talk to Loud!
Loud: HOWDY, FEDERAL AGENTS! LOUD KIDDINGTON HERE, AND IF I CAN’T MAKE YOU A DEAL, MY DOG FETCH WILL EAT A KEG OF GUNPOWDER!
Fetch: Wait a minute! Did you tell Froggo about this?
Loud: WE’VE GOT THE FINEST SELECTION OF GOVERNMENT AGENTS IN THE U.S. OF A! TAKE A LOOK AT THESE!
(QC to FBI Agents)
Announcer: We have the finest assortment of standard FBI agents! Men and women between the ages of 23 and 34 years old in excellent physical condition. These agents are trained in law, science, language, accounting, and investigation.
Loud: BUT TODAY ONLY, WE ARE HAVING AN ASSORTED AGENT BLOWOUT!
(QC to WOW as Cleopatra)
Announcer: That’s right, Loud. Right now, we are offering Egyptian agents for a low, low price! Get the original intelligence agents who made espionage a fine art!
WOW: Hey, Agent 86!
(Enter Don Adams-type spy.)
Agent 86: You called?
WOW: Yeah, get me another bucket of fried chicken!
Agent 86: I’m sorry, could you repeat that?
WOW: (Sighs) Okay, “Obtain the ‘Kentucky cluckers’ from the ‘big chef’ and report back here by 1700 hours. This is a covert operation.”
Agent 86: Ah, yes! Of course! Sorry about that, chief!
(He leaves)
WOW: (To camera) Of course, they’re not much for conversation.
Announcer: Also, try our new retired KGB agents!
(QC to black cars chasing a yellow car, reminiscent of the “Condorman” car chase scene.)
Announcer: These former Soviet special police agents have been trained to work with the most hi-tech equipment in the world!
(All of a sudden, the black cars skid to a stop, letting the Condorman car get away. The KGB agent in the lead car gets out and throws a fit.)
KGB Agent: Arrrrgh! It is out of coal again!
Loud: WHAT A DEAL! CAN THE CURRENT DISORGANIZED BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION TOP THAT?
(QC to fat telephone man/delivery dude in a James Bond-suit.)
Fat guy: Nope!
(QC back to Loud)
Loud: COME TO OUR ASSORTED AGENT BLOWOUT, AND GET YOUR DEPARTMENT TOGETHER!
Chorus: Talk to Loud, talk to Loud, talk to Loud!
(Scene 4: Stage with Cho-Cho and Lucky Bob)
Announcer: And now, an important question from Cho-Cho!
Cho-Cho: What do you call a psychic who is 3 feet tall and has just escaped from jail? A small medium at large!
LB: Hiyo!
FT: And that joke puts us on the run. So long from…
A not great, but good first effort{there's a good twist on an old phrase I think}You spoofed three popular bits, added a few neat references{notably Billy's theme from his Wild West episode and the Get Smart rif} and I'll admit you dug a bit deep to get the remaining outlaws for the therapy bit, I never heard of those other two. I only wonder if you can create original bits of your own next time instead of doing the show's recurring bits. But you seem to know what you're doing, so good for you, keep going.
P.S I don't like ff.net's new system of posting reviews.
Well, I'll probably think of something more original next time. However, I don't think I had to dig TOO deep to get those other two outlaws. Both Black Bart and Pearl Hart were actual outlaws. Black Bart was a middle aged poet who never rode a horse or loaded his gun, and Pearl Hart was a female outlaw who committed the last recorded stagecoach robbery in American history. (And she really did claw her way out of an Arizona jail.) You can find more about them in Paul Harvey's "Rest of the Story" books. I just thought that they would be most likely to go to group therapy for psychological problems.
Thanks again for the review! I'll keep what you said in mind!
Well, I'm not a reviewer of such caliber as others here, & I might not know much about the technical aspects, but I know what I like, & I like this. Lessee, Capone might've been more insistent that he didn't sing, seeing as how it means to snitch, to squeal, to tattle, to be a stoolie, to drop a dime, to turn states evidence, to rat on yer pals, see? And I didn't remember in which prison Capone served his sentence, but I didn't remember it being Folsom. I could be wrong, tho. I'm sure Lydia prevented you from disclosing what it was that killed Capone. The Billy the Kid redux was good; you might've mentioned that his real name was Henry McCarty. And I have heard of Black Bart. I've known who he was since I was in single digits. I might've heard of Pearl Hart, tho Moss Hart rings more of a bell. Congrats on not going with the obvious distaff dastards (Calamity Jane, Belle Starr). Thanks for not going into the seamy side of J. Edgar; we have the rest of the media to tell us that. There's sufficient stuff on Hoover vs. crime for @ least one more ep, like his hunt for Alvin Karpis; did you know the manhunt was started --- under Hoover's personal leadership --- when Karpis wrote a letter to him threatening to kill him? And that he wrote that letter from a cottage on Lake Catherine, outside of Hot Springs Arkansas? (After the usual payoff to Chief of Detective Dutch Akers, of course) I wonder; if Loud has the keg of gunpowder, who has the nightcrawlers? That lead KGB agent was Morovich, iirc. I didn't know the British secret service thingy had that name; I thot it was more like MI5, MI6, something like that. Like I said, I liked this. It looks like we have our latest episode. That makes, what, 58, 59?
And now, the Histeria - Bob Dylan connection. (This goes out to Dr. BELCH, resident Dylanphile) In Ep.#5, the Wild West, Miss Information asks Doc Holliday if he once shot a man for snoring. The person who actually did that dirty deed was John Wesley Harding, whose name furnished the title of a song & album by Dylan in 1968.
Well, Folsom prison was in a Johnny Cash song. I just picked it as a joke. I am also aware that Morovich was the lead KGB agent. (Finally! Someone else who's seen Condorman!) Thanks for reminding me. I must have had a mental lapse caused by Charity's alien conspiracy.
