(Opening scene: Father Time and BFB are standing in front of a map of the United States of America. Virginia is the only state that is outlined. BFB is standing on a stool with a pointer, pointing at Virginia. He smirks to himself, turns, and pokes Father Time.)
Father Time: Hey! Big Fat Baby, stop that!
BFB: Goo…heehee (pokes Father Time again)
Father Time: Come on! We’re on the air! Act professional!
(BFB Pokes him once again.)
Father Time: STOP IT! (red-faced, hands fisted, he grabs pointer, and breaks it in half.)
BFB: (getting all big-eyed and sad) WAAAAAH!
Father Time: (rolling his eyes) Fine, fine. Here. You can have HALF OF IT…but can we PLEASE get on with the show?
BFB: (Taking his half of the pointer) Kay!
Father Time: Good (turns toward audience) Hello everyone and welcome to Histeria! Today we have a very special show about a very special place that produced some very special Americans! (points to map with his half of the pointer.) Virginia!
BFB: Goo!
Father Time: Goo is right! Today, Histeria presents Famous Virginians!
WOW: (on her porch) Famous Virginians!
Robert E. Lee: (on a white horse) Famous Virginians!
Nathaniel Bacon: (with a lot of buildings on fire behind him) Famous Virginians!
Thomas Jefferson: (With his violin) Famous Virginians…like me!
Alexander Hamilton: (raising his eyebrow at TJ) Yeah…sure…ok. Loser!
Patrick Henry: (chasing some British soldiers) Famous Virginians! Woo-hoo! Ya!
George Washington: (at Mount Vernon) Famous Virginians!
Entire Cast: Famous Virginians!
(Scene: The House of Burgesses in Williamsburg, Virginia. Father Time, Big Fat Baby Girl, and Mr. Smarty Pants are standing outside. They’re all wearing colonial clothing…Mr. Smarty Pants’ pants are breeches, all that…)
Father Time: Welcome everyone. We’re standing outside the House of Burgesses in Williamsburg, Virginia, the sight of some of the most fervent protests of the Revolutionary era.
Smarty Pants: And today, we will be hearing from one of the most powerful orators of the day!
(BFB Girl holds up a picture of Patrick Henry, only she’s drawn little devil horns and a devil goatee on it.)
Father Time: Hey! Give me that you little…grrr…(Grabs picture and wipes off the ‘additions’. Looks down at his shirt.) Great! Now I have ink all over me! I really have to start enforcing the ‘no-giving-markers-to-the-babies’ rule. Anyway, continue, Mr. Smarty Pants.
Smarty Pants: Gladly. Patrick Henry was born in 1736. He first showed his talent as a speaker when he became a lawyer, and was one of the strongest defamers of the Stamp Act. He was also an early advocate for Independence.
Father Time: Thank you. Anyhow, today we will have the opportunity to listen to Mr. Henry give one of his most famous speeches…his ‘Give Me Liberty of Give Me Death’ speech!
Smarty Pants: Wait a minute…Patrick Henry didn’t give that speech at the House of Burgesses…
(Suddenly the backdrop changes to Independence Hall, in Philadelphia.)
Father Time: (annoyed) I KNOW he didn’t…but the theme of the show is Virginia!
(Backdrop changes back to The House of Burgesses)
Smarty Pants: But shouldn’t we strive for historical accuracy?
(Backdrop changes back)
Father Time: THIS IS A CARTOON!
(backdrop changes again. A man walks out from behind, looking very flustered. It is none other than Patrick Henry)
Henry: Ok, I agreed to do this show…God knows why, so can we at least MAKE UP OUR MINDS AS TO WHERE IT IS TAKING PLACE!
Father Time: Sorry, Mr. Henry, it is taking place at the House of Burgesses.
Smarty Pants: No, Mr. Henry, it is taking place at Independence Hall.
(the backdrop changes, but as it does, it comes lose and falls on top of Patrick, knocking him to the ground.)
Smarty Pants & Father Time: Eeep…
Father Time: (rushes to help Patrick up) Are you all right?
(Patrick Henry pushes Father Time away and gets to his feet. He grabs both backdrops and rips them to shreds, screaming. When he’s done, you can see the backstage equipment and all that. Patrick Henry then turns back to Father Time and Mr. Smarty Pants with a scary smile)
Henry: There we go. Now I will make my speech.
Smarty Pants: But…
Henry: (gets all monster-like) I SAID NOW I WILL MAKE MY SPEECH!
Smarty Pants: Er…yes! Go on! (Hides behind Father Time)
Henry: Thank You. (assumes a dramatic, speech making pose): There is no retreat but in submission and slavery! Our chains are forged! Their clanking may be heard on the plains of Boston! The war is inevitable--and let it come! I repeat it, sir, let it come. It is in vain, sir, to extenuate the matter. Gentlemen may cry, Peace, Peace-- but there is no peace. The war is actually begun! The next gale that sweeps from the north will bring to our ears the clash of resounding arms! Our brethren are already in the field! Why stand we here idle? What is it that gentlemen wish? What would they have? Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!
(Smarty Pants and Father Time clap appreciatively. Patrick Henry nods, smiles at them, then runs off the set, screaming madly.)
Smarty Pants: I wonder if he’ll come back for our ‘Founding Fathers’ show?
Father Time: Uh…I don’t thinks so.
(Scene: the Pepper’s Pep Rally theme comes up. You know what it is. After theme, Pepper appears wearing a colonial-style dress)
Pepper: Hi everyone! (screams) Welcome to my totally cool show where I get to meet way cool totally…uh…cool people! Yeah! (face suddenly goes annoyed) We just got a new writer today, so excuse the script. We’re going to have her fired after the show.
Me: Hey! I thought I was doing well!
Pepper: Uh…no. No you’re not.
Me: Aww…shoot.
Pepper: Anyway! (peppy again) Today we have an extra super special guest with us! (walks to a young man who is standing around looking exasperated. He is Nathaniel Bacon)
Nathaniel: Look, can we hurry this up? I have to lay siege to Jamestown soon.
Pepper: Laying siege! Cooly-cooly-cool! I’ll try to make it fast. But it’s just so totally and completely cool that I finally get to meet you! You are so one of my favorite actors!
Nathaniel: Er…I’m not an actor.
Pepper: Huh? You mean you aren’t Kevin Bacon?
Nathaniel: No. No I’m most definitely not.
Pepper: Gypola! This is so cheap! All right, whatever. If you’re not Kevin Bacon who are you?
Nathaniel: I’m Nathaniel Bacon! In 1676, I lead an uprising against the corrupt Virginian Governor Berkley.
Pepper: So why’d you lead the uprising thing? Was Berkley like…fashion challenged or something?
Nathaniel: Not…exactly…though those breeches he wore were WAY too tight (Shudders). Anyway, Governor Berkley refused to help the people living on the frontier defend themselves against the Indian attacks.
(Suddenly Lydia Kareoke walks onscreen)
Lydia: Mr. Bacon, we’d prefer if you would use the word ‘Native American’ on our show instead of ‘Indian’.
Nathaniel: Er…Native American is two words. Which of those would you like me to use?
Lydia: Both.
Nathaniel: Huh? But you said…
Lydia: (frustrated) Forget what I said!
Nathaniel: Ok, then I can say Indian.
Lydia: NO! I told you that you have to use “Native American”
Nathaniel: Actually, you told me to forget what you said.
Lydia: AAAAAH! (runs offstage, is run over by the still screaming Patrick Henry, falls down, and sighs, tapping her fingers in annoyance)
(flash back to Pepper and Nathaniel)
Pepper: Moving on…what was the result of your totally cool uprising?
Nathaniel: Well…er…that’s the bad part. I died before it was actually finished, and after I died, the whole uprising thing sort of sputtered out. But we did burn down half of Jamestown and temporarily take over part of Virginia!
(Flash to Toast, on the beach holding his surfboard)
Toast: Like…what a total failure, dude!
(Back to Pepper and Nathaniel)
Pepper: Well, thank you for being on our show today, Nathaniel Bacon! Too bad you died and screwed up your own rebellion!
Nathaniel: Wait! That was really…
Pepper: (covering his mouth) No more time!
(Nathaniel struggles out of Pepper’s grasp, and turns to her angrily)
Nathaniel: You invite me on your show and then you insult me! You little… (starts chasing her)
Pepper: (running away from the enraged Nathaniel)
Thatsallwehavetimeforfolksseeyalater!
(She runs into the camera and the screen goes black. Flash to a blue screen with a happy little duck and the message ‘We’re Having Some Technical Difficulties’)
Beutiful... simply beautiful... This one is a true masterpiece... An as far as Williamsbug, that vaults it staright to the top... I've got a lot of family in that part of VA. please finish soon!
You picked a good subject. Of course you'll cover Virginia being the Mother Of Presidents & all that, from Washington to Wilson. Some of the roots of my family tree just happen to go through Virginia. The first Shipp (paternal grandmother's family) in America was Josiah Shipp, who landed in Virginia as an indentured servant. He became the 4th husband of Elizabeth Brooks & begat Thomas Shipp, who begat Joseph Shipp, who begat Thomas Shipp, who moved his part of the family to Georgia, a part of which came out here after Sherman moved through. But I digress. How would Hamilton consider Jefferson a loser? Twice elected president with Hamilton's archenemy as veep. Even the decimal system of money was Jefferson's idea. I assume you use the Jimmy Stewart version of Patrick Henry. It was fun seeing him go psycho; Jimmy didn't do that enough. Was there any resemblance @ all between Nathaniel Bacon & Kevin Bacon? I am curious about this as my name is Nathaniel too. And imo anyone who was born in this country can consider & call themselves a Native American, altho I'm also Native American in the p.c. version in part as there is Cherokee in my ancestry. I liked it, Hamiltonian, & I would very much like for you to continue it. Only two sketches? It had better be continued.
Ahh, thanks for the praise. First attempt at a fanep for me, and I'm sorry that I've taken so long to finish. (OhmyGod, the letter that comes after 'v' key on my keyboard doesn't function. this is sooooooo irritating!!!) Ok, Nftnat, I didn't even think of Jimmy Stuart for Henry! But it makes sense...lol! And I don't kno if Nathaniel Bacon looked like Kevin Bacon, but...hey! Lol. Ok, (it is REALLY irritating not having a letter that comes after 'v' key...I'm going to kill this stupid computer...) thanks, guys!