(We’re Back!)

(Scene: a classroom. World’s Oldest Woman is the teacher and various members of the Kids Chorus are sitting in desks. Most of them are sleeping. WOW grabs a piece of chalk and starts writing on the board. The chalk makes a horrible squeaking noise, and all the kids jump up, holding their ears in pain)

Pule Houser: ENOUGH! ENOUGH! AARGH!

WOW: (finishes writing. On the board it says ‘Presidents’) Had to do something to get these little know-nothings up. All right kids, today we’re going to do a little Presidential history.

Kids: (in a bored sarcastic tone) Yay.

WOW: I’ll pretend you’re enthused. Anyway I bet you kids didn’t know this, but eight United States presidents were born in Virginia!

Kids: (same bored sarcastic tone) Yay.

(Suddenly, Sammy Melman walks in)

Sammy: (nervously) Kids! Come on! You have to wake up and make learning fun, or we lose our sponsors! This show is supposed to be educational! (walks out)

Charity: Wonderful. Now we have to learn.

Aka: (plastering on a huge, fake smile) I love learning! Now, who were the eight presidents who were born in Virginia?

WOW: Well, now that you’ve asked…

(The classroom set drops away to show a stage. The Kid Chorus are onstage, and a big map of Virginia is in the background.)

WOW: Eight presidents of the United States of America were born in Virginia, including some of our most influential leaders!

Aka: And the first of these is none other than…

Kid Chorus: GEORGE WASHINGTON!

(Washington walks onstage, waving…hamming it up and all that…heehee…)

Washington: I lead the Continental Army through the Revolutionary War than I lead the USA to greatness! Ya! But besides all that, I was a proud Virginian…and still am!

(Backstage…Father Time is frowning)

Father Time: We HAVE to fire that writer!

Me: I’m doing my best!

(Back to the stage. After saying his piece, Washington moves to stage left, still smiling and waving at the crowd)

Loud: OUR NEXT VIRGINIAN WAS OUR THIRD PRESIDENT…

Kid Chorus: THOMAS JEFFERSON!

(T.J. walks out with his violin)

Audience Member: He’s going to make a speech…AAAAA! (runs out)

T.J.: Yes…er, right then. Anyway, I wrote the Declaration of Independence, then became president! I made the Louisiana Purchase, kept us out of a war with England, and wrote Notes on the State of Virginia! In stores now! Buy it…please?

Hamilton (in the audience): Blah, blah, blah…God, doesn’t he EVER get tired of himself?

Me: (sitting next to him) Nah, I don’t think so.

(Father Time walks up to me and grabs my arm)

Father Time: Get back to work! You’re supposed to be writing this!!!

Me: Sorry…

(Back to stage. T.J. finishes his speech and walks next to Washington)

Charity: Right after Jefferson came another Virginian…though he was a lot shorter…

Kid Chorus: JAMES MADISON

(Madison walks out.)

Madison: Ya, nice short joke. I so got enough of those when I was in office. Anyway, I’m James Madison! I helped write the Consitution, then lead the USA through the War of 1812…even though those New England Federalists didn’t approve…

(Flash to audience. A box seat with the banner ‘New England Federalist’. A bunch of people are booing and throwing fruit at the stage.)

Madison: Yeah, shut up!

(Shaking his head, he joins Washington and T.J.)

Cho-Cho: Continuing what some referred to as the ‘Virginia Dynasty’ of presidents is…

Kid Chorus: JAMES MONROE!

(Flash to WOW’s porch)

WOW: Back then they were all named James…jeeze, it made things really confusing!

(Back to stage. Monroe is looking around, confused)

Monroe: Well that was strange. Ok, needless to say…but I’ll say it anyway..(flashes a big, bright, cheesy smile) I’m James Monroe! I took Madison’s place, and issued the Monroe doctrine, basically telling Europe to stay out of our Hemisphere! Ya! Go me!

(Monroe flashes another smile than joins the others.)

Froggo: Then, for a while, there wasn’t a Virginian president.

(Flash to John Quincy Adams, Andrew Jackson, and Martin Van Buren sitting around, looking bored.)

Jackson: I can’t believe we weren’t invited!

J.Q. Adams: Yeah…just ‘cause we weren’t born in Virginia!

Van Buren: This is sooooo cheap!

(Back to Froggo)

Froggo: But the Virginia line resumed with our ninth president…

Kid Chorus: WILLIAM HENRY HARRISON!

(W. H. Harrison walks out.)

Harrison: Hi everyone, it’s me. You know, the guy who died after only thirty days in office. I caught pneumonia after delivering my six-hour-long inaugaration speech in the rain. Too bad they hadn’t invented penicillin yet!

(BFB does a rimshot, but looks disgusted while doing it. Flash to Father Time holding up a sign that reads ‘Sorry about the writer!’)

(Back to stage. Harrison goes to join the others.)

Charity: After Harrison died, his Vice President became president. This man was also a Virginian and his name was…

Kid Chorus: JOHN TYLER!

(Tyler walks out.)

Tyler: Hello everyone! I was the first ‘accidental’ president…that is, the first Vice President to assume the office. After my term, I, as an ardent Southerner was part of the Confederate Cabinet!

(Abe Lincoln, sitting in the audience, tries to throw a tomatoe at Tyler, but misses and hits Alex Hamilton.)

Hamilton: HEY!

Abe: Oops…sorry.

(Tyler walks to the others)

Pule: The next Virginian to hold the presidential office was the twelfth president...

Kid Chorus: ZACHARY TAYLOR!

(Ol’ Rough and Ready walks out.)

Taylor: Well howdy, y’all! I’m General Zachary Taylor, hero of the Mexican War and twelfth president of the USA! My nickname, Ol’ Rough and Ready pretty much described my personality, and my wartime services appealed to both Northerners and Southerners!

(Taylor swaggers to his fellow Virginians)

Lucky Bob: I am an ardent supporter of green ketchup.

Cho-Cho: Uh, he means that for a while there weren’t any Virginian presidents. The most recent one is…

Kid Chorus: THOMAS WOODROW WILSON! AND HE’S THE LAST ONE, THANK GOD!

(Wilson walks out, raising an eyebrow)

Wilson: Wow, that was an enthusiastic welcome. Anyway, I am Woodrow Wilson, the 28th president of the US. I was in office during World War I and successfully led my country through those hard times. I also wanted America to join the League of Nations, but I was unsuccesful in that. Oh well (shrugs)

(Wilson walks over to the others.)

WOW: Well, there you have it! All eight presidents who were born in Virginia! Let’s give them a hand!

(The audience is silent. Crickets chirp.)

WOW: (nervously) Uhhh…pretend they’re the Backstreet Boys.

(The audience goes wild, cheering and screaming)

James Monroe: WHAT!?

Madison: Never have I been so insulted!

Wilson: This is the last time I’m coming on this show!

(All of a sudden Patrick Henry runs on stage, screaming and waving his arms around. He’s followed by Pepper, who’s crying out for help. She’s followed by Nathaniel Bacon, who’s carrying a lighted torch.)

WOW: Er…well…yah. Hmmm, I’m going to go fire that writer!

(Commercial break!)

Ok...is this just my computer, or...?
Everytime I go to check out a post, when I go back to the Board, all I get is a blank screen, and it won't refresh. I'm wondering if this is the board or my stupid computer (The latter wouldn't surprise me!) Anyway, just wondering...::sigh::

Hey! Cool story! The only changes I would have made was that I would have had Harrison croak onstage. (Dark humor, but Histeria has done worse.) Also, you forgot to mention that Tyler was the least-liked president in history, even his own political party disowned him!

Still, for historical accuracy, I give you a 10! keep it up!

(BTW, did you know that Zachary Taylor had a daughter who eventually married one Jefferson Davis? Taylor never liked the guy, though. He shoulda been nicer to the future president of his future new country!)

What can I say, you continue to do good work, kid. I wonder what voices you had in mind for the presidents who weren't actually on Histeria televised eps (Monroe, W.H. Harrison, Tyler, Taylor). I had Vaughan Monroe in mind for James Monroe (who? He was a cowboy actor & singer from the '50's; ever hear Mule Train?) Harrison I guess it doesn't matter since he wasn't there long enough to miss. Tyler I had sounding almost, but not quite, like Perot, or possibly George Wallace now that I think of it. And with Taylor I pretty much went with your description; maybe something along the lines of the Andrew Jackson-Buck Tuddrussell voice, but with even more bluster. It's hard to explain. For those who don't remember, the other voices were: Washington --- Bob Hope; Jefferson --- Jack Benny; Madison --- that guy from the half-hour Amazing Discoveries infomercials; & Wilson --- Woody Allen. What would I have added? Well, maybe something about Dolley Madison; Belch contributed something to the Harley Awards about JFK wanting to taste Dolley Madison's cupcakes; needless to say, it did not survive the editing process. Dyk a reporter once caught Madison skinny-dipping in the Potomac, & sat on his clothes until she got an interview (I need to re-read my Presidents book). Dolley always got the good press @ the time, "...but Jeemy, ah, poor Jeemy, he is...a withered little apple-john". I might have added Harrison's war record, the 1840 Log Cabin & Hard Cider Tippecanoe & Tyler Too Campaign, etc. And Harrison having a grandson who was also President, Benjamin Harrison, even tho he was from Ohio. Dyk Taylor was succeeded as the General of the Army by Winfield Scott (Old Fuss & Feathers), who continued in that capacity until 1861, when he was succeeded by George McClellan (George to Lincoln's Seinfeld), setting off a line of succeeding generals --- Hooker, Meade, Burnside, et al. But there I go taking your vision & ripping it to shreds. I guess that's a point in favor of my eventually replacing the K Beast, huh? But seriously, you're good, Hamiltonian, very good. I like I like.

Folks, I'd like to take this opportunity to say I'll try to wrap up Loud's Halloween Nightmare tomorrow, as I haven't had & will not have enough time to do it today. Cy'all.