Mystery Histeria Theater 3000: "Mission Impossibal 2 Crossover with Histeria"
September 24 2003 at 2:57 PM
from IP address 64.12.96.202
Kid Chorus: Aka Pella, Kip Ling, Bow-Haired Girl, Crooked-Mouth Boy
Chorus: In the not so distant future, somewhere in Base 16,
Russian dictator Stalin and TV's Froggo are making an evil scheme,
Froggo has some friends; one of them is Loud,
A loud boy that Stalin doesn't allowed,
He knew he and his friends are taking up space,
So he knocked them unconscious and he sent them up to space.
Loud: GET US DOWN!!!!!
Stalin: I'll sent him cheesy movies, the worst I can find,
Chorus: La, la, la
Stalin: He had to sit and watch them all and I'll monitor his mind.
Chorus: La, la la
Now keep in mind that Loud can't control where his movies are gotta end,
He'll try to keep his sanely with the help of his Histerian friends.
(Screen whirls and stop, a title comes on screen)
Chorus: Histerian Roll Call!
Cambot! (You're on!)
Pule! (WAAAAH!)
Charity Bazaar! (I'm not happy.)
TOOOOAAAAASSSSTTTT!!!! (Ask me if I care!)
If you wondering how they eat and breath, or maybe if this full of whacks,
Just repeat yourself it's just a parody I should really just relax!
(Title comes on screen along with a big planet thingy)
Chorus: For...Mystery Histeria Theater 3000.
(We go through the door sequence just like in the actual show. We are now in the main room and only Charity and Toast are there.)
Charity: Hiya MHT3K fans. Just to bring you all up to speed. Loud is still missing in action because someone forgot to let him in from his space walk, then rip his clothes off causing him to go floating out naked in space somewhere.
(Charity glares at Toast who looks innocent)
Toast: Oh come on! It's an accident! You like gotta believe me!
Charity: (rolling her eyes) Whatever. Anyway, right now Stalin and Froggo are out looking for him and we should be receiving a call from them right now so we can know what their progress is.
(Pule ran in)
Pule: Guys! Guys! I got good news!
Charity: (hopeful) They found Loud?
Pule: Yep. They found him floating around Uranus.
Toast: Whoa! I betcha Charity didn't think of looking there!
Charity: That's the planet, don't be a sicko. Now then, are they coming back with him?
Pule: They just got back. They are transporting him back. He should be back right about...now!
(Soon a light appears above and Loud is now in its place falling on Toast. Fortunately, there are clothes on him, thanks goodness. Loud and Toast fell to the ground.)
Charity: (concern) Loud! Are you all right?
(Loud and Toast got back up)
Loud: Yeah. I'm fine. (To Toast) Are you okay, Toast?
Toast: Yeah. I am so undamaged.
Loud: (angrily) GOOD BECAUSE YOU WON'T BE WHEN I'M DONE WITH YA!
(Loud tackled Toast and a fight pursue. The commercial sign flashes)
Charity: (to camera) Looks like we got a fight on our hands. We'll be right back.
(Commercial)
(Cut back to the main room of the Satellite of Time. Loud is being held back by Charity while Toast is away from him with Pule watching on.)
Loud: (struggling) LET ME AT HIM! I WILL TEACH HIM TO LEAVE ME NAKED IN SPACE!
Toast: Loud, it was an accident! I'm really sorry!
Pule: Speaking of which, how did you get your clothes back?
Loud: Oh, Stalin gave me an extra pair. It so happen it's the same clothes I always wear.
(The Mad sign flashes)
Charity: Looks like your rescuers want something from ya.
(As soon as Loud calms down, Charity lets him go. He looks at Toast firmly.)
Loud: I will deal with you later.
Toast: Whatever.
Pule: Just answered.
(Loud presses the respond button. Cut to Base 16 as Stalin and Froggo are unpacking from their trip. Stalin looks at the camera.)
Stalin: Ah, Loud. How did space treat you?
(Cut back to the Satellite of Time. Loud cringes)
Loud: GEEZ, DON'T EVEN REMIND ME.
Pule: (nervous) Say, Stalin? We didn't have time to get our invention ready because Loud was missing. Are you mad?
(Cut back to Base 16.)
Stalin: Oh, I ain't mad. In fact, I got good news and bad news. The good news there isn't any invention exchange today.
(Cut back to the Satellite of Time. The crew looks relief...at first.)
Loud: Well, at least that problem is gone.
Charity: Wait. With the good news come the bad news. I have a bad feeling I know what the bad news.
(Cut back to Base 16.)
Stalin: (laughing evilly) Indeed you're right! Because you get a movie!
(Froggo appears with a box)
Froggo: Where should I put this?
Stalin: (angrily) Where we always put it! In the back!
(Froggo leaves long enough for Stalin to calm down.)
Stalin: (to camera) Now then your movie today is supposed to be some sort of weirdo crossover parody of a sequel with Tom Cruise. Something the Fifi loving author Lighting called "Mission Impossibal 2 Crossover with Histeria". I know you are going to hate it! (Laughs evilly some more)
(Cut back to the Satellite of Time. Our heroes isn't happy.)
Pule: Great! Loud got back and right now we have to watch another bad movie!
Charity: I am not happy.
Loud: ME NEITHER. WELL, SINCE IT'S A MISSION IMPOSSIBLE PARODY WITH TOM CRUISE, IT CAN'T BE ALL BACK, RIGHT?
Toast: No. It's going to be worse.
(Movie sign flashes wildly)
Loud: YIKES! WE GOT MOVIE SIGN!!!!!
(Everyone ran wildly. We go through the door sequence and we are now in the theater. Our heroes came in and sat down in their seats as the movie AKA torture begins.)
Charity: That is what doing this movie is. Mission Impossible.
[2/Histeria!'s/LTT/Simpsons/Futurama Crossover and the Star Play Ethan Hunt]
Toast: Who is that? Helen Hunt's more famuous brother?
[is Loud Kiddington and Charity Bazaar Plays as Nyah Nordoff-Hall The other Fan fic will be in Next Week to July and heres the Cast Members of this Fic. MI2/Histeria Cast List Vladimir Nekhorvich-]
[(MOVING-DAY) is being carried by a world weary middle European wearing a black armband.]
Pule: Oh it's Hitler. Mein Hein! Mein Hein!
Toast: Dude, too much history book.
[Good Gene Burrows exits a gleaming building, pausing for a moment, under a motto clearly visible above his head,]
Charity: If you build it, he would come.
['Where the future is now'. He checks the time. INSERT WATCH set in Countdown Mode.]
Loud: IF WE WATCH THAT, THIS MOVIE WILL TAKE FOREVER TO EVEN FINISH.
[It's at 19 hours forty-seven minutes and sixteen seconds and dropping, 19:37.15, :14, :13, :12 etc.]
Toast: And it goes on from there.
[O.S. children are singing: Ring a ring]
Loud: SOMEONE GET THE PHONE!
[/a pocketful of posy/]
Toast: Dude, posy will make people sleepy.
[a tissue a tissue/]
Charity: Someone clogs their noses.
[we all fall down. Burrows look to see children at play outside the adjacent Natural History Museum.]
Pule: Where the future isn't now.
[They are moving in and around an odd freeform sculpture. POV-SCULPTURE AND CHILDREN a blur where the sculpture seems to be distorting the children,]
Loud: HOW DID SONIC GOT IN THIS FILM?
[almost like mirrors in a fun house. Good Burrows wipes his eyes, a horn honks.]
Charity: Wow, his eyes can sound like horns? I'm impressed. Not.
[He looks toward the sound. MOVING SHOT-SATCHEL (INT. AIRPORT SECURITY-DAY) on the belt that takes it thru X-Ray]
Toast: So they x-ray his pants as well?
[On the other side a guard opens the satchel and pokes thru a few toilet articles,]
Pule: (Guard) He got playboys!
[personal items, books, a battleship gray digital camera]
Pule: Oh, it's a Gold Star.
[and-in a small plastic container marked 'S.G.'-]
Toast: Sean Gunn?
Loud: SO GOOD?
Charity: Scarlet Green?
Pule: Soon Go?
[a small, square shiny object, hi-tech and at odds with the other items.]
Loud: SO IT'S EVEN NOW?
[She pulls out an urn-shaped vessel. Aka What's this, then?]
Charity: It's an urn, Aka.
[Good Burrows (handing her documents) The ashes os a colleague,]
Toast: He blew up while he was smoking, dude.
[I'm taking them to his family.]
Loud: THEY ARE GOING TO BLOW CHUNKS, MAN.
[If you wish to open it,]
Charity: Then get over it.
[please be careful. COMPUTERIZED SCREEN DISPLAY (INT. PLANE-MOVING-DAY) on the cabin wall displays a colorful map showing the flight point of departure in Sydney,]
Pule: G'day, mate.
[continuously updating distance, direction and time to its ultimate destination, Atlanta, Georgia.]
Charity: Howdy, y'all.
[Fry's VOICE -folks, we're a little over two]
Toast: Actually they are like over 40.
[and a half hours from touchdown in Atlanta, but if you look out yur windows on either side of the aircraft,]
Loud: YOU WILL SEE THE OUTBACK.
[we'll soon be crossing the southern section of the Rocky Mountains, a range which includes more than 50 peaks]
Pule: Starring Pierce Brosnan.
[rising above 14,000 feet. The chain's loftiest point, Mount Elbert,]
Loud: AND MOUNT SISKEL.
[at 14,433 feet should be coming into view as we pass over]
Pule: From yesterday's lunch.
[central Colorado shortly...]
Toast: (Fry) Sitting in the booth will me, Peter Graves! (Peter Graves) Hi, I'm Peter Graves and I am a cameo in this film.
[Good Burrows (INT. CABIN-DAY) seems intent on the map, its changing times and distance. He checks his watch-the countdown has gone from 20 to three hours and 32 minutes as Gene Burrows is mesmerized by the descending seconds whipping by.]
Charity: Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum. Crack that whip!
[Loud Kiddington sits into shot on the vacant first class]
Loud: I AM FIRST CLASS, AM I?
[aisle seat beside Good Burrows. Loud You keep staring at that watch as if your life depending on it, Doctor..]
Charity: He been scrapped to a time bomb.
[G. Burrows: Well, yes. I suppose I am a bit anxious.]
Toast: (G. Burrows) For the Gene Hackman good alike contest, yeah.
[Loud They're ready and waiting. You'll soon be with old friends.]
All: (evil laughter)
[G. Burrows (meaning Loud) I'm with an old friend now, Dmitiri.]
Pule: (G. Burrows) If I only could remember who.
[Loud Sorry it couldn't be under happier circustmaces. G. Burrows Yes, I'm sorry too... 'You're sorry and I'm sorry..']
Pule: Oh please no! Not a Rocky Horror Picture Show reference!
[(bemused laughter, then looks at Loud) -you do know Gradski thought the world of you.]
Loud: HE ALSO THOUGHT THE WORLD OVER HIM.
[G. Burrows is overcome. Loud puts a comforting hand on his]
Toast: Neck?
[shoulder: Loud He was quite a man.]
Charity: But dumber than a bag of bricks.
[Did he know before the end you two had succeeded? Good Burrows Yes, he knew. Just.. Loud ..no in time to save him.]
Toast: Or this film.
[Good Burrows No. After you've lived with Chimera for twenty hours,]
Pule: You will would a divorce.
[nothing can save you. Not even...]
Charity: Austin Powers.
[Bellerophon. Good Burrows pat the satchel. Loud You carry them together? Safely? With an almost impish grin and a wink: Good Burrows Yews, and you'll get us to a safe place with them, thank g**!..]
Loud: AND HIS SON SANTA CLAUS.
[left to my own devices, I'm an old fart]
Charity: Don't you guys dare.
Toast/Pule/Loud: (innocently) Who, us?
Charity: Rrrrrriiigggghhhht.
[too inept to read a railroad timetable!..]
Pule: So that's why he chose a plane.
[Good-natured laughter. Cut off by a flight steward who passes by, giving a sidelong silence in Loud and Good Burrows's direction.]
Toast: Dude, they took the last chips.
[Oxygen masks suddenly deploy from the ceiling. Passengers are puzzled and alarmed. Fry's VOICE You Captain again. We've experienced a slight but abrupt drop in cabin pressure..]
Loud: AND CABIN FEVER, OVER.
[A passenger struggling with his mask.]
Loud: IT'S JIM CARREY!
All: (screaming)
Pule: (The Mask) Smoookkking!
[As Good Burrows fumbles with the strap on his mask he notes that the display screen shows their altitude is below 30,000 feet and dropping. He checks the countdown time on his watch again. Good Burrows look around him. The flight attendants are conspicously absent]
Pule: They are probably having a coke and a smoke somewhere.
[and all the passengers who have on oxygen masks are passed out.]
Charity: Heh, it turns out they breathe in the Good Burrows's fart.
All: (mocking laughter)
[INT-COCKPIT The flight crew now wearing their oxygen masks. Fry (into radio) Pan, pan, pan,]
Toast: (Fry) You are in the wrong movie! Dragonball GT is down the hall!
[Denver Center. This is a Trans Pac Flight two-two-zero seven, 747 heavy.]
Loud: (Fry) I WILL HANG UP AND LISTEN.
[We are not reading you.]
Charity: Cause you're not a book.
[We're unable to maintain cabin pressurization. We have initiated a descent to one six thousand. The Zoidberg is working on the plane's altitude when his hands slip off the control. His eyes flutters, then: Zoidberg Captain, I don't...can't...]
Toast: (Zoidberg) Bender was too much for me.
[He passes out. Fry, HUGH STAMP, turns to verify that the relief pilot is also unconscious at the controls.]
Pule: (Fry) Great! Now I am ruled Futurama! (laughing evily)
Charity: Oh, Lightning forgot to change some parts of the script he is copying.
[Good Burrows ...it seems we have a problem, Dmitri.]
Pule: (Loud) My name is Houston.
[Loud (in the same tone) You keep calling me Dmitri.]
Loud: STICK TO THE SCRIPT!
[You really shouldn't.]
Toast: Take the last piece of pizza, dude.
[Good Burrows's eyes narrow. Good Burrows You're not Dmitri?]
Charity: (Loud mocking) No, I'm Adam Sandler. Of course I'm Dmitri!
[With a lightning swift move Loud breaks Good Burrows's neck. Loud -no.]
Toast: Dude, he didn't even make it to the next plot point.
Charity: What plot point?
Toast: Good question.
[He grabs the satchel. Loud (cont'd) (to Vincent Morre II) Vincent, hold onto it.]
Pule: Who the heck is Vincent Morre II? Vincent Morre's son?
(Pause)
All: Nah!
[Vincent slashes the satchel handle open,]
Loud: GREAT, YOU JUST DESTROYED WHATEVER IS INSIDE.
[takes the satchel for Evil Burrows. He peels off the latex mask, revealing Evil Good Burrows.]
All: Huh?!
Loud: HEY, HE DIED! THIS MOVIE HAS CRASHED!
[Loud/Evil Burrows (cont'd) Slasho,]
Charity: (Evil Burrows) I'm glad you guys decided to give me a second chance.
[pull the-]
Charity: Finger.
[He tears off the vocal oscillator at his adam's apple,]
Loud: SO HE PLANS TO EAT IT LATER?
[clears his throat, now as Evil Burrows: Evil Burrows -pul the NO2]
Pule: Number Other 2.
[tank and dump it,]
Toast: (Evil Burrows) Like my ex-wife.
[it's potential evidence.. Slasho (the 'captain' into shot) All done, chief..]
Loud: MCCLOUD.
Toast: Hey, I do the McCloud stuff here, dude.
[Evil Burrows (what else) -right- (kidding) -don't go too far ahead of me now-]
Pule: (Evil Burrows) I want to catch the end of "Baywatch".
[Slasho Not possible.. Slasho has rolled back the carpet over an access panel just beneath them leads to the belly of the plane.]
Charity: Pinocchio!
[Stamp pulls back the panel, hops into the compartment below which is four walls of electronic equipment.]
Toast: Wow. They loved their Game Cube, I will tell them that.
[Slasho kneels and slides back the floor hatch. The wind howls, puffs of cloud zip by beneath them. As they descend into the belly: Vincent II Checkpoint Charlie]
Loud: Cannot be here today.
[plus 30,]
Charity: Equals none.
[altitude minus two-zero-thousand.]
Toast: Is one heck of a number, dude.
[Airspeed one-seven-niner knots.. Evil Burrows: It's that time.]
Pule: For you to shut up and speak right.
[Go. They don goggles and, with Evil Burrows in the lead, the team leaps, one after another from the hatch, sailing off into the sky.]
Pule: They are in the sky. Shouldn't they be flying?
[INT-COCKPIT (DAY) An automated voice repeats in an ominous monotone: VOICE Terrain, terrain.]
Charity: (Zoidberg) I am dying.
[Pull up, pull up. The Zoidberg stirs. He blearily rouses himself just in time to see: A mountain rushing toward him.]
Loud: (Zoidberg: I REGRET NOTHING!
[As mountain meets airplane,]
Toast: Coming to a theater near you.
[the frame is filled with fire, but when camera pulls back from the fireball, it is in fact more than a match head filling frame, which ignited, lights a fuse. The MI theme music kicks in,]
Toast: (doing the MI theme music saying duhs just like in the sketch with Benedict Arnold)
[the main credits roll to: EXT-FACE OF MOUNTAIN (DAY) For a moment it might be thought part of the same range when the plane crashed but]
Charity: We lie.
[when Loud Kiddington climbs into frame the angle widen and titles down, revealing more of where he's come from than where he's going. Aside from the fact that he's in the midst of free-climbing what is easily a sheer rock face of at least a thousand feet,]
Loud: HE LOSES AIR AND FELL UNCONSCIOUS TO THE GROUND BUT RECOVERS SOON AFTER.
[there's the sunny picture-postcard view of a lovely valley and pellucid lake thousands of feet below. Ethan climbs out of shot.]
Pule: And into insecurity.
[WIDE UP ANGLE (DAY) revealing the summit, a light breeze hitting the lichen and whatever growth has a slender purchase on the rocky mountainside,]
Charity: Has to pay a whole bunch of cash.
[fluffy clouds overhead. Loud into shot. Despite the spectacularly precarious handholds he's using to hang onto the mountain and his life, he appears relaxed, engaged-for him-in the equivalent of busman's holiday.]
Toast: (singing) The hills are alive, with the loud of that guy, his yells are so funny.
[It's leisurely danger for Loud; one might almost expect to hear Julie Andrews trilling 'Climb Every Mountain']
Loud: THAT'S WHAT I AM DOING!
[on the soundtrack. Then a rock he's been grasping crumbles and Loud drops about six inches before he grabs onto the mountain again. As he hangs by five fingers thousands of feet above the earth he doesn't seem terribly concerned until he spots a helicopter.]
Pule: Now he's concern.
[It's materialized behind the summit and passes surprisingly close]
Loud: FOR REPAIRS.
[just overhead, casting its shadow downward over Ethan.]
Toast: Hawking, dude.
[Instinctively, Loud flattens himself against the rock surface, as if the copter poses some sort of threat to him.]
Pule: It is if Dennis Franz is on it.
[But when its rotors whir it into the distance Loud relaxes and resumes his climb.]
Charity: Great, now he threatens to call in Vegeta.
[A HAIRY OVERHANG]
Loud: IS REALLY HAIRY.
[(EXT. MOUNTAIN-DAY) near the summit Loud departing from the vertical and is now traversing the mountain with more of his back than his feet exposed to earth far below.]
Charity: Ooh! I am impressed.
(Loud blushes)
[He's clinging to the mountain almost like a]
Toast: Money, dude.
[fly walking on the ceiling.]
All: (singing) When you're walking on the ceiling!
[When he reaches for a handhold that will restore him to the vertical, he dislodges a lizard-and manages to catch it before it plunges thousand of feet to oblivion. Loud Whoaa..]
Pule: (Loud) I gotta stop impersonating Keanu Reeves.
[He pockets the lizards, climbs the overhang. REVERSE-ANGLE SUMMIT with Loud's hand, then Loud coming into view and making the summit.]
Pule: Isn't it already made?
[He reaches into his pocket and releases the lizard who favors Loud with a stern reptilian stare by way of gratitude. To lizard: Loud You're welcome. The lizard scampers off,]
Charity: (Lizard) I left a "surprise" in his pocket.
[then a low beeping sound at his back attracts his attention.]
Loud: WAIT, IS TODAY THE DAY THEY ARE TESTING THAT BOMB?
[He turns to see the source of the beeping, a small package in day-glo colors with a day-glo streamer. Loud looks to the sky where the helicopter is now ominously circling back.]
Toast: Once again, the Acme Corporation delivers.
Loud: YEAH, LET'S HOPE IT WORKS.
[Loud lifts the day-glo package and waves it in the direction of the copter.]
Toast: (Loud) Dude, you gave me the wrong package!
[With a distnct lack of enthusiasm. The helicopter once again turns, banks and disappears.]
Loud: THEY ARE OFF TO DELIVER PACKAGES TO WILE E. COYOTE.
[Loud has opened the beeping package and finds a pair of sunglasses.]
Charity: (bored) Maybe if we're lucky, we get a Matrix film by mistake.
[Loud'S POV SUNGLASSES First, a retinal scan.]
Pule: A what scan?
[ELECTRONIC VOICE Identify confirmed. Father Time Good morning, Mr. Hunt.]
Charity: Good morning, Old Guy Voice.
[Father Time's face flashes onscreen. Over his introduction of Charity]
Loud: WE ALREADY KNOW WHO SHE IS. CAN WE MOVE ON?
[is a series of satellite photographs whose subject is so elusive she never seems to give the camera a clean shot.]
All: Eeeewwwwww!
[Father Time'S VOICE Your mission, should you choose to accept it,]
Toast: But you don't have any choice.
[requires you to recover a stolen item, designated Chimera. Essential to the mission is]
Pule: This film.
[the recruitment of a civilian-a Miss Charity Bazaar. She is a highly capable professional thief currently active in Spain.]
Loud: AND IN THIS THEATER.
Charity: Yep.
[A series of Charity's 'accomplishments',]
Toast: Is not in this film, dude.
[i.e., warrants, complaints,]
Pule: About this film, I bet.
[Interpol summaries of her various criminal activites, as well as glimpses of the elusive Nyah circulating about Seville.]
Charity: Does the Chipmunks mind?
[Father Time'S VOICE (cont'd) Her dossier's available on I-COM 3. You have 48 hours]
Loud: TO DESTROY THIS MOVIE.
[to recruit Ms. Bazzar and meet me in Seville to receive further details. Should you or any member of your IM force be caught or killed,]
Charity: Tough crap.
[the Secretary will disavow all knowledge of your actions. Father Time's face reappears on screen: Father Time'S VOICE (cont'd) And Mr. Kiddington-the next time you go on vacation,]
Toast: (Father Time) Take me with you.
[please be good enough to let us know where you're going.]
Pule: (Loud) Ha, I am never good enough.
Loud: WATCH IT, PULE.
[This message will self-destruct in five seconds.]
Pule: And this movie will self-destruct later.
[Loud removes the glasses, then tosses them into space.]
Loud: D'OH! I TOOK OUT MARS!
[Loud If I let you know where I'm going- The glasses explode in a puff of smoke.]
Toast: In an hour? Dude, I don't think so.
[Loud (cont'd) -won't be on holida. Loud, with a fair amount of disgust, gets to his feet and jumps off the mountain,]
Charity: To fetch a pail of water.
[in, what for a moment looks like a suicidal snit. Then, somewhere]
Toast: Over the rainbow, dude.
[hundreds of feet below camera, there's a little puff of color as the tulip-shaped chute pops out of his back-pack.]
Pule: Hey, what color is his parachute?
Loud: HEH? OH. HEH, HEH, HEH.
[Begin the sound of a castanets and the animal-like cries of flamenco dancers.]
Charity: Someone is having a party on the mountains.
Loud: CARKING? SHOULD BE PARKING. THAT WOULDA MADE SENSE.
[and Loud desturbs Charity Contartation. June 19 2003, 5:37 PM EXT-ANDALUSIN VILLA (EVE) Bustling in the activity of a large private party,]
Charity: So we know we aren't invited.
[with arriving guests and attentive valets, as a young woman, her face unseen, exits her car and enters the villa.]
Toast: Dude, how can she be unseen if we know about it?
[A FLASH OF SKIRT]
Pule: Whoa!
Charity: Don't try it, Pule.
[AND LACE (INT-EXT. VILLA-FLAMENCO DANCERS-EVE) where to the cries of dancers]
Pule: I think they are in pain.
Toast: Dude, put a wallet under their tongues.
[add graceful feminie hands wieiding the castanets. The dancers perform on a raised platform]
Loud: WELL, I WILL SAY THIS. BOOO!
Charity: Yeah, even Robert can do better than this!
[and Charity's Bazaar's face can be glimpsed thru the swirling skirts and pounding heels, looking thru, not at them.]
Charity: As to not upset the wrong people.
[REVERSE ANGLE-ETHAN looking back in a similiar way to Charity;]
Toast: Looking through the skirts and heels? Dude!
[surreal lighting and the relentless chorus of pounding heels seem to isolate them in the crowed party.]
Toast: (singing) Dude, everybody goes dude, dude, nothing you can do!
[Nyah continues to look at Loud over the shoulder]
Charity: Shouldn't she get her own boyfriend?
[over her wanna-be escort, a very attentive gentleman.]
Loud: HE IS OBVIOUSLY TALKING ABOUT SAMMY.
[Nyah offers up her empty glass, and the gentleman eagerly takes it to the bar for a refill,]
Pule: (Charity) Phew. I thought he would never leave.
[leavinf Charity and Loud looking at one another. Loud approaches her.]
Charity: (Loud) Draw.
[Loud Do you know me?]
Pule: (Loud) I am William Burrows.
[Charity No. Should I? Loud No. You just looked as if you did. Charity No. Just as if I'd like to.]
Loud: WHAT? KILL CARROT TOP?
[Loud Oh. Well. I think that can be arranged. Charity Not tonight.]
Toast: (Charity) I got a headache...tonight.
[Bad timing. Sorry- Loud There's not enough time in the world for any of it to be bad.]
Loud: INCLUDING THIS FILM
[This stops her. Charity moves closer to him, until they're nose to nose.]
Pule: Even the boogers want to meet.
[Whispered but breezy: Charity ook, it's either you or the rent]
Charity: And I preferred the rent.
[and I don't mind telling you]
Toast: (Charity) You're standing on my foot.
[it's not an easy choice. Loud What if I pay the rent? Charity Uh-huh. Loud Uh-huh?]
Loud: YOU GOT THE RIGHT ONE, BABY!
[Glancing at the gentleman making his way back with her drink then: Charity Go find the wealthy lady you came with]
Charity: And kill her so I can get together with ya.
[and next time we meet-]
Toast: Don't bother.
[I'll pay your rent. (kissing him, sweetly) Now bugger off.]
Pule: (Charity) I gotta pay the rent.
[And purposeful creature that she is,]
Pule: She has to make a point.
[she takes her frustrated desire upstairs, timing her footsteps so as to use the sound of the dancer's steps to cover her own. Once upstairs, a security guard near the master bedroom can be seen eagerly following her down the hall,]
Toast: Master Roshi, security guard.
[both moving past a pair of windows, visible to Loud. In a few moments, Charity can be seen past the windows in the opposite direction, without the guard following. In another moment or two, a very puzzled guard can be glimpsed in the first window, looking up and down the hall, clearly having lost sight of Charity.]
Charity: And his mind.
[Loud smiles, moves out of shot. INT-MASTER BEDROOM (EVE) Charity has opened the door and moves swiftly thru the bedroom.]
Loud: AS TO NOT DISTURB THE BEAST.
Charity: Who? David Letterman?
[INT-BATH (EVE) A decadent looking affair with suggestive lighting, mirrored walls.]
Toast: Will not be seen tonight.
[The tub has a tray across it which includes a wine cooler chilling a bottle of Crystal]
Pule: Pokemon Crystal?
[and a mound of caviar on a bed of ice.]
Loud: LOOKS LIKE THEY ARE COOLING THE FISH EGGS.
[Charity can't resist.]
Charity: And I still can't.
(Charity kisses Loud lovingly. Loud blushes at this as Charity smiles.)
[She spoons a dollop of the caviar and downs it before she moves along the frescoed walls of the tub to its back. There, she pulls out her compact]
Charity: Disk.
[and removes the puff, revealing an electronic density mirror.]
Loud: CHARITY IS MY DENSITY.
(Charity blushes)
[She turns it on and holds it at the rear of the tub.]
Pule: (Charity) Now to see how cool this tub is.
[Its sweep gauge jumps sharply from green thru yellow and into red. Charity (her fondest hopes confirmed)]
Toast: Too late.
[Mmmm. She now steps into the tub]
Loud: OH BOY.
Charity: Don't even think it, Loud.
[and focuses on the grout between the tiles just above the sop dish. Her knee eyes search for any cracks]
Toast: Use by druggies.
[in the grout and she spots one. Using a tweezers she pulls the silver of the grout out from between the tiles,]
Pule: Of the books.
[revealing something that looks like a credit card wedged between the titles.]
Loud: IT'S A CARD FOR DISNEY WORLD.
[She slips the card into a narrow opening under the sop dish. There's the sound of hydraulics and two arms move the marble casing out from the rear of the tub. Charity breathes a sigh of relief]
Charity: I thought I had to do something stupid.
Toast: Too late again.
[and anticipation: kneeling in the tub she finds herself looking down at an open safe, revealing]
Toast: Someone's diary.
[some half-dozen locked compartments. As she studies them: Loud Decision, decision.]
Pule: Like what to wear.
[Charity looks up to see Loud's reflection in the bathroom mirrors, looking down at her kneeling in the tub. Charity What are you doing here?]
Pule: I have to use the bathroom.
Toast: Already dude?
Pule: No, the movie.
Toast: Oh.
[Loud Think you're the only one who can pick a lock?]
Charity: Well, think again!
[Charity (not altogether pleased) I see. You're not just another pretty face..]
Loud: I'M PRETTIER!
[Before Loud can answer, a voice can be heard coming from the bedroom warbling Granada in Spanish,]
Toast: It's Don Da Moron.
[and with considerable gusto. Charity (cont'd) Oh g**.]
Toast: You're looking at her!
Charity/Loud: What?!
Toast: Just kidding.
[A bloody baritone.]
Loud: HOW ANNOYING.
[Charity catches a reflection behind Loud's in the bathroom mirror. She reaches up and grabs Loud by the lapel, yanking him into the tub, pulling him down on top of her.]
Pule: I think they're in love.
Charity: (blushing) Hey, let's just try to enjoy this, okay?
[Once again they're nose to nose. Loud I take it you prefer tenors.]
Charity: Just not the fat guy.
[She glances up at mirror.]
Charity: My goodness. He is so lame.
Loud: HEY!
Charity: Not you, the you in this film.
[In it is the reflection of SENOR Nostradamus,]
All: Shut up!
[a big amiable Castilian in his fifties]
Toast: But one bad psychic, dude.
[who's changing a white dinner jacket that's had wine split on it. He breaks into a heavily accented version of 'Now or Never',]
Loud: HERE I COME!
[and disappears from the dressing room mirror. Charity Would you mind if I'm on top?]
Pule: Oh I don't...
Charity: Pule!
Pule: Geez! Can't I have some fun around here?!
[Loud Oh, either way works for me.]
Loud: YOU FINE FOXY LADY.
[Wth a jaundiced look she rolls over on top of Loud and begins working on one of the safe compartments, using a tiny torque wrench from a tube of lipstick]
Pule: Man, that is one heck of a toy!
[and a carbide pick from a mascara brush. She glances down and is rather disconcerted. Continues working with the pick and wrench. Loud'S VOICE You're never gonna find it there.]
[She immediately switches her efforts from top left to the bottom right compartment. She's utterly nonplussed: Charity Where's the bloody-]
Charity: Baron? At Hogswarts.
[Loud (plucking it off his chest,]
Toast: Beg your pardon, dude?
[offering it up like a mechanic under the chassis)]
Pule: Mechanic under the what?!
[-torque wrench. Charity -this is very disconerting.. Loud Hey, you put me here.]
Pule: So get used to it.
[I just do what I'm told.]
Loud: NOW GET ME A PEPSI!
[Charity -right. She unstraddles him and, with a few deft moves with the torque wrench and carbide pick-and]
Toast: We have to start all over, dude.
[it's open. She withdraws a velet pouch and opens the pouch. Out spills the spectacular necklace. Charity (cont'd) Lovely. (starting to close the safe) Who are you]
Charity: And why do you look like my boyfriend Loud?
(Loud blushes)
[and what's it going to cost me? Loud (having sat up) I wouldn't do that. Charity Do what?]
Toast: That song from Labyrinth, dude.
[The alarm goes off. Loud That. The bathroom is suddenly filled with security guards,]
Charity: Oh, now everyone wants a piece of the action?
[gun drawn]
Pule: And their drawings is very ugly.
[Nostradamus, looking highly upset, pops in. Nostradamus Oh, Senor Keyes,]
All: Shut up!
[thank G** it is you! (in Spanish to Security guards, annoyed) It's Senor Keyes,]
Loud: CHARITY IS A GIRL, ISN'T SHE?
Toast: Unless she had a mood swing.
(The boys snickered. Charity isn't amused.)
Charity: Stop that.
[the security engineer. Loud Well, Nostradamus]
Charity: Your prediction is wrong, so Shut Up.
[the good news is that the heat sensors were activated. But Miss,Bazar my associate- Nostradamus kisses Charity's hand.]
Loud: JUST GOT HER HAND KISSED BY YOU.
[Nostradamus Mucho gusto, senorita. Loud -did feel that she had rather too long to work on the safe before they triggered the alarm, isn't that right Miss Hall?]
Toast: Whose first name is Kids In The.
[Charity Oh yes. Absolutely. Much too long I should yes.]
Pule: She is marrying him already?
Charity: Oh, I hope so.
[Nyah's initial shock and panic slowly gives way to a wary, intensified curiosity-about Loud.]
Loud: AND THE MONKEY KNOWN AS GEORGE.
[Loud Under the circustamcnes]
Pule: Knock before entering.
[I think we would recommend re-setting the senors to respond to a lighter load.]
Charity: And get the guards to shoot some weight.
[How do you feel about forty kilos, Miss Bazaar? Charity Indeed. Loud Well, Nostradamus, there's no reason to disrupt your party any longer.]
Toast: Unless someone got drunked again.
[we have some further concerns about the disposition of your security guards,]
Loud: AND THE DIRECTOR.
[which you'll receive in our written report by fax in the morning, hard copy to follow.]
Charity: Just the fax, sir.
All: (laughing)
[Shall we? He offers Charity his arm. They start out. Loud immediately stops.]
Toast: (Loud) Okay, you owe me $50.
Pule: (Charity) Keep walking, loud boy.
[Loud (cont'd) Miss Bazaar. Haven't you forgotten something?]
Pule: (Charity) No, I got it on.
Others: (groan in disgust)
Loud: SHAME ON YOU, PULE.
Pule: (chuckling nervousl)
[Charity looking genuinely puzzled. Charity The necklace? Charity slowly reaches into her dress]
Pule: Oh, I do not want to see this!
[and withdraws the]
Toast: Dude! What's she pulling out?! Help!
[glittering string of diamonds and rubies from her bust.]
All: (pretend to throw up)
[Nostradamus (a great kidder) What are you trying to do, senorita? Rob me.]
Charity: No, kill you.
[They all laugh, and Loud's got her out the door. Part 3 The Big Chase between Loud and Charity. June 23 2003, 11:41 AM]
Loud: EITHER THIS MOVIE IS JUST GETTING THROUGH THE DAYTIME OR SOMETHING SCREWY IS GOING ON HERE.
Toast: Dude, I go for screwy.
Charity: Yep.
Pule: Yeah.
[EXT-ANDALUSIAN VILLA (LATE NIGHT-PRE DAWN) The stars dimming, the sky a gun metal blue.]
Toast: Bang, bang, dude.
[Loud and Charity emerge from the vila, walking slowly. Charity's clearly preoccupied. Charity I'm missing something here,]
Charity: My script.
[aside from a 500,000 pound necklace. Even after I botched the job, I could've walked out of there with the bloody thing. Loud At least you walked.]
Loud: ON YOUR TOES.
[Charity If you weren't going to let me get away with it, why did you let me go thru with it? Loud Wanted to see how good you were.]
Pule: Or goodish.
[I'm hoping we might work together.]
Charity: On the next car.
[Charity May I say something, no offence?]
Pule: No thanks, the Warners has it.
Others: (laughing)
Loud: WAY TO MAKE UP ONE OF YOUR DUMB JOKES.
Pule: Thanks, I...hey!
Charity: Is for horses, Pule.
(Charity and Toast high-five)
[You look like a gigolo,]
Toast: But you ain't no Rob Schneider.
[you sound like a thief, you act like a cop-]
Loud: CAN'T YOU EVEN MAKE UP YOUR MIND?!
[what the bloody h*** do you have in mind? Loud Working under adverse conditions. Highly adverse conditions.]
Loud: I WANT YOUT TO SPANK ME.
Charity: (purring) Maybe later, lover boy.
(Loud gulped and blushed)
[Charity Sounds smashing.]
Toast: Like windows.
[I'm in. Muchacho, mi carro, por favor!]
Charity: Whatever. (snickering)
[Now be serious. You couldn't possibily want me off tonight's performance. Loud You didn't do that badly.]
Pule: You just did worst.
[Her car arrives. Charity (as she moves to her car) You're apologizing for me? Quite the gentleman.. Loud (opening the car door) Not really. I triggered the alarm.. One foot on the floorboard she freezes, back to Loud. Loud Hey, the Bulgari job]
Loud: WAS TAKEN, BABE.
[last week was flawless. And I've always been partial to pale yellows. She slides behind the wheel. Charity (as he leads on the car) I don't do laundry,]
Charity: Or acting.
[or put with with cheeky b**tards who set me up on their territory so they can poach on mine.]
Toast: (Loud) So that means dinner is off?
[She takes off, spewing bits of gravel and dust in her wake.]
Pule: She is wake, isn't she?
[Ethan smiles and shakes his head. ON THE ROAD-]
Pule: (singing) Just can't wake to get on the road again.
[Charity (MOVING) around curves, hair flying, she's free.]
Charity: So I get to keep the money?
All: (laughing)
[Her car phone rings. Perplexed, she lets it ring once or twice picks it up: Charity (tentatively) Hola..]
Toast: She is Charity the Explorer, dude.
[Loud Hi. Would you mind slowing down?]
Loud: I WANNA KISS YA.
Pule: Let's split guys.
(Everyone got up and leave the theater.
[Charity Where did you get this number? I don't even have it!]
(We go through the door sequence again and return to the main room. Everyone is talking though we can hear different voices from the prisoners. Pule is somewhat taller while Toast is somewhat smaller.)
"Pule": Dude, what are we doing again?
"Charity": Well, it's so similiar. You see how Evil Burrows disgused as me in the film, right?
"Toast": Yeah?
"Charity": So we just pretend we are someone else, kay?
"Loud": I am not happy.
"Charity": Well, let's try it anyway.
"Pule": Okay, uh...(tries to whine like Pule) I wanna go to the bathroom. Oh, I am getting dizzy.
"Toast": Hey, I never act like that!
"Pule": Dude, you supposed to be like me!
"Loud": Yeah! What a nut!
"Charity": Ch...I mean, Loud. I mean...uh...
"Pule": Oh forget it! (Pulls off mask to reveal it is actually Toast) Dude, this is so isn't working. I don't know how Dana Carvey does it in that move of his.
("Charity", "Loud", and "Toast" removed their masks to reveal their true selves.)
Charity: Yeah, me neither.
Pule: I don't know why he does it or who lets him do it.
Loud: WELL, WE SHOULD BE GLAD HE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN ACTUALLY DOES IT RIGHT.
(Cut back to the theater as our heroes return and sat back in their seats to resume watching the film.)
Pule: Hey, who are we again?
Charity: Forget it, Pule. Let's get to watching the film.
[Loud' VOICE Would you like it? She hits the End button]
Loud: THE MOVIE IS OVER!
Toast: No it isn't.
Loud: D'OH!
[and disconnects. The phone immediately rings again. She refuses to pick up. Loud pulls alongside hers. She looks at him. They speak through through the open cars. Loud Pull over]
Charity: (Cop) Let me see your driver permit.
[and listen to me, will you? Charity Listen to what?]
Toast: The director? No way.
[Loud I need your help]
Pule: Yeah, he needs a lot of it.
Loud: OH SHUT UP.
[and I thin you can use mine. Charity Your help? What are you talking about?]
Pule: Willis.
[Loud Scotland Yard, Interpol, every Dutch authority.]
Toast: A bunch of morons! Uh, things you find in the Europe! Uh, flatfoots! Oh, pass.
[I can make them go away. Charity Oh bloody h***.]
Charity: Pardon my French.
[You're a spy. She floors it and shoots ahead of Loud, nicking his car as she takes off. Loud (to himself) I deserved that.]
Loud: DARN RIGHT I DO.
[SERIES OF DRIVING SHOTS-]
Toast: Now on DVD.
[Charity AND Loud Loud rings her again. And keeps ringing.]
Charity: Boy, that is one loud boy.
Loud: RING RING RING!
[Her face becomes grim, her flight progressively more desperate and with Loud's pursuit progressively more determined.]
Loud: AND ANNOYING.
[They are reaching the limits of adhesion around blind curves.]
Pule: Look out, look out, look out! (makes a car crashing noise) The leader of the pack.
[MORE SHOTS DRIVING (DAWN) THe sky's battleship]
Charity: Sunk.
[gray; Lourd pursues Charity around hairpin]
Pule: They are on RuPaul's hair?
[turns high above the Costa del Sol; they rip thru patches of marine fog drifting on the road, obsuring it. Both are appalled by the other's willingness to escalate risk in this game of flight and pursuit until Loud tears thru a fogbank]
Toast: To make a withdrawal.
[and sees on his GPS]
Loud: GRAYSON PETER SON?
[what Charity can't see thru the fog-less than four hundred meters ahead is a turn she can't possibily negotiate and if she can't]
Loud: THEN WE GOT A PROBLEM!
[she'll plunge off the road hundreds of feet to rock and sea below.]
Pule: And 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall.
Charity: Oh shut up.
[Ringing her number again: Loud (half to himself) Slow down, slow down. She turns up a mound and loses control.]
Charity: I keep eating and eating.
[She spins out and heads toward the edge of the cliff. Charity (realziing she's in trouble) Uh oh.]
Toast: Look out, President Bush!
[Loud cuts her off and sends them both into a 540 degree spin.]
Loud: THEY ARE NOW AT THE LAUNDRY PLACE.
Charity: Sparkling clean, I'll say.
[Her car stops just at the cliff's edge. Furious she wrenches open the car door and gets out. Loud No!]
Charity: I still have to make down payments!
[Suddenly there's no Charity.]
Toast: Dude, this better not be a Monster A Go-Go sequel!
[Loud leaps over to Nyah's car and sees Nyah dangling over the ocean and rocks hundreds of feet below, holding the door handle. Charity Oh..oh.. Taking a firm grip on her wrist. Loud Don't look down.]
Pule: She did.
[Just.. look at me.]
Pule: (Loud) Ugh. You are horrible!
[That's it..that's it..]
Loud: COME TO DADDY.
[He pulls Charity up to the car, across the seat and half into his arms. For a long moment it looks like she's in shock. Then: Charity What's you name?]
Toast: (singing) Little girl! What's your name!
[Loud Loud Kiddington Charity Well, Loud Kiddington, what is it you want to talk to me about? Thru the veil of morning fog, Charity looks at Loud. Her dark eyes suggest wit, and willingness, and longing.]
Charity: Actually, I got something in my eyes.
[Loud ...more than I thought.. They scarcely to move to bring their lips together: Charity Awfully short nortice..]
Toast: Which Hugh Grant's movie is.
[Loud Care to wait a decent interval? Charity Who wants to be decent?..]
Loud: NOT THE PERVS, I'LL SAY.
[Part 4 Relax and Mission Breaft. June 24 2003, 4:49 PM DISSOLVE:]
Pule: This is my favorite scene so far. This one.
[CLOSE-ETHAN (INT-EXT. SAFEHOUSE-SEVILLE-DAY-EVE) sleeping. His eyes open slowly.]
Charity: (Loud) Oh my. What did I drink last night?
[He comes to full consciousness, his head still on the pillow. Something approaching serious anxiety informs his features.]
Charity: Oh please! Cut to anything, please!
[He lifts his head and looks at his left, angle widening. Charity lies on her side facing him, sleeping serenely.]
Pule: Oh no, he slept with Tori Spelling!
[Anxiety on the order of oh-G**-this-isn't-approved-recruiting-technique, confirmed. He lets his head flop back on the pillow. Then he turns so he and Charity are profile to-profile. As he looks at her sleeping his anxietyfades, replaced by curiosity and even wonder. He lifts his hand]
Loud: OH PLEASE, DON'T.
[and just brushes her cheek.]
Toast: Dude, she got hair on her cheek. She really do.
[Her eyes open. She knows where she is.]
Loud: IN THE HOME OF A MAD MAN.
[Loud So what've you got against spooks?]
Toast: (Charity) Well, I like Casper the Friendly Ghost.
[Charity smiles. Charity When they've got your recruiting technique? Not a thing. Loud Oh. Well..this isn't exactly by the book.]
Charity: Or by the script.
[Charity They've got a book for this?]
Pule: Yeah, it's called "How to do a better movie".
Others: (Giggling)
[Loud They've got a book for everything.]
Loud: BUT HOW TO CONTROL MANKIND.
[Charity The only other spook I knew was]
Charity: Jamie Kellner.
[a liar.]
Toast: Called Jim Carrey.
[Charming but]
Pule: Stupid.
[absolutely incapable of telling the truth. He'd lie about his favorite color.]
Pule: So it isn't blood red?
[But then I reckon it's an occupational hazard. All spies really do is conceal the truth and tell lies.]
Charity: And sleep with the women.
[Loud Not revealing information]
Toast: One of Miss Info's relatives is in this film?
[doesn't necessarily make someone a liar.]
Loud: EXACTLY IT DOES.
[Charity That's not the point. In the end what spies rely on is]
Toast: Money.
[the one thing they think they know that you don't. Loud Which is?]
Pule: The "it".
Loud: WHAT?
Pule: You know, "it".
Charity: Ah.
Toast: Totally confusing, dude.
Charity: Later.
[Charity That they're lying. Loud laughs. Charity (cont'd) ..once they knew that they get very very...crosee..]
Charity: They will snap your neck clean off.
[Charity shoulder and moves into Ethan. Loud So where did I got right? Charity You're not a liar. Or you're an awfully good one..]
Loud: YEAH, TRUST ME.
[(then) ..this thing these blokes pinched.. Loud I don't know that they 'pinched' it.]
Charity: (Loud) I thought they bury it.
[Don't even know that they're blokes.]
Loud: THEN WHY DON'T YOU ASK THEM?
[Charity stops to think about this. Charity Well, then, what I am I doing here? I assume I'm meant to be some sort of thief-catch-a-thief..]
Toast: Like Anthony Hopkins.
[Loud So do I. Sort of. Charity looks at Loud, a little worried. Charity Spoken like a spoook..you ever afraid?]
Pule: Of her?
[Loud Of what? Charity laughs. Charity Ask a question, you get an answer!..]
Loud: IT'S "ASK A DUMB QUESTION, GET A DUMB ANSWER." GET WITH IT!
[Loud D***, you're beautiful. Charity That's because I'm on my back. Quick as a cat,]
Loud: MEOW!
[Loud flips Charity over so she's looking down at him.]
Charity: Now I'm on my front.
[Loud I don't think so. She sinks into his arms.]
Toast: You are watching some confusing sequences already in progress.
[EXT-INT-STREET-SEVILLE (VALENICA FESTIVAL) (EVE) Loud's step is unusually jaunty as he bounces along,]
Pule: Bounces? What is he, Tigger?
[making his way thru the festive and jostling crowds preparing for the Crema portion of the Fallas de Valencia. On the night great papier mache effigies, some serious, some comic,]
Pule: Some stupid, some annoying.
[are placed all thru the city and torched in great bonfires. Outside the bar Ethan's looking for there'a street vendor name Bugs Bunny,]
Loud: (Bugs) EH, WHAT'S UP, DOCK?
[hawking Fallas mementos and flowers. He starts past the vendor-Bugs, and it hits him-]
Charity: On the merchadise hit him on the head.
[he's going to buy some flowers. He chooses a colorful spring bouquet]
Toast: But it's summer.
[so fresh the dew can be seen on the petals.]
All: Urgh!
[Loud pays the vendor-Bugs,]
Toast: (Bugs) Eh, I want carrots, doc.
[starts into the bar, and thinks better of walking into Father TIme with the bouquet.]
Pule: What is this? A Ellen DeGeneres movie all of the sudden?!
[Turns back to the vendor Bugs. Loud Are you gonna be here a while? Bugs Bunny Si, senor.]
Charity: (Bugs) Then I gotta go on a coffee break.
[Loud enter the bar]
Loud: NO BAR JOKES, PLEASE.
[and goes upstairs to the second floor where he passes security at a pair of double doors. INT-IMF BRIEFING ROOM Father Time stands looking out the window.]
Charity: Now we got a Phone Booth movie.
[Noisy crowds from the festivsal provides a constant walla, and during the sequence, the first effigies are lit, and smoke and flame provide a vivid background thru briefing room's window.]
Pule: (Father Time) Stupid smoking kids.
[Father Time Fetival's a pain in the a**. Honoring saint by setting'em on fire.]
Toast: Tom Cruise?
[(turning to Loud) Sit down, sit down. Loud sits.]
Loud: (Father Time) HA! I DIDN'T SAY SIMON SAYS. GOTCHA!
[Father Time (cont'd) Let's you know what they think of saints, doesn't it?]
Pule: They're pathetic!
[D*** near set me on fire on my way over here.]
Toast: They think he's Hitler.
[As if I haven't been burned enough today. A moment where it's impossible to tell which way the wind is going to blow between these two.]
Charity: As long as no one farts.
[Then civilly: Father Time (cont'd) Sorry I barged in on your vacation.]
Loud: SHOULD I EVER GET ONE.
[Loud Sorry I didn't let you know where I was.]
Charity: But you were annoying.
[Father Time Don't be. Wouldn't be vacation if you did.]
Toast: Dude, it wouldn't if he didn't either!
[Loud Well. You're sorry and I'm sorry.]
Pule: Now Tim Curry is going to show up.
[Loud Why did you phrase it like that?]
Pule: (Trebek) You need to phrase it in a form of a question.
[Loud Like what? Father Time 'You're sorry and I'm sorry.']
Charity: Now he's recapping things from other movies!
[Loud You gotta be kidding. Father Time turns to his computer and begins to play on a DVD, and projected onto a computer screen staring back at Loud is:]
Toast: A bunch of extras.
[Good Gene Burrows Good Gene Burrows (with exaggerate brio) Well, Dmitri! How are you?]
Loud: WHO DOES HE MEAN? THE DIRECTOR?
[Good Gene Burrows pauses as if waiting for reply. Loud smiles. Loud ..I'm fine..and you?]
[With Loud simultaneously whispering: Good Gene Burrows I'm fine too..I'm fine and you're fine..]
Pule: Sir, are you sure you got the right office?
[do you remember, deep fried,]
Charity: Mushrooms?
[how you got Sergei and I to repeat those lines from Dr. Daffy Duck]
Toast: Rabbit season?
Loud: DUCK SEASON!
Toast: Rabbit season!
Loud: DUCK SEASON!
Toast: Rabbit season!
Loud: RABBIT SEASON!
Toast: Duck fired! Bang!
[and we gave you the name of that silly Soviet Premier because we didn't know your name?..]
Pule: Little girl.
[In those days,]
Loud: YOU HAVE TO PAY TO EVEN GET IN LINE.
[you not only saved our lives, your saved our sanity.]
All: (making insane noises)
['Now then Dmitri-we have this little problem:]
Loud: THEY STARRED IN THIS FILM.
[Every search for a hero must begin with something that every hero requires;]
Toast: A girlfriend.
[a villain. Therefore, in search for our hero, Bellerophon, we created a monster]
Charity: Al Gore.
[Chimera. I beg you, Dmitri, come to Sydney and]
Pule: Bring Mel Gibson.
[accompany me to Atlanta immediately. However we travel, I must arrive at me destination,]
Loud: ME? WHAT IS HE, A PIRATE?
Pule: Argh!
[within 20 hours of depature. Forgive this fanciful explanation,]
All: No!
[but for now prudence dictates that I communicate nothing but the gravest urgency. I fear I can entrust this to no one but you, Dmitri.]
Charity: Not even Samuel L. Jackson?
[as we say, 'I'm sorry and you're sorry'..]
Toast: Dude, can you please leave?!
[Father Time stops the DVD.]
Pule: Oh great! Just before the greatest part which is better than this movie!
[Father Time Let me ask you something.]
Pule (Father Time) And I'm really old?
[You have any idea what the h*** he's talking about? Loud smiles.]
Loud: NOT REALLY. (snickering)
[Loud An idea, yeah. Father Time Like? Loud Like it's a good idea to pick him up in a hurry. And a bad idea to fly him on a commercial carrier.]
Toast: With people selling products and such.
[So let's get on with it. He's still in Sydney? Father Time Dr. Good Gene Burrows is dead.]
Charity: (Loud annoyed) Then why did you call me out here?!
[So is his colleague, Gradski, but that happened earlier. We had Burrows on a flight from Sydney that crashed in the Rockies.]
Toast: Like a rock, dude!
[Loud sits back, heavily. Father Time (cont'd) -Loud, are you listening?..]
Loud: HUH? DID YOU SAY SOMETHING?
[Slowly looking up: Loud If he didn't want to go anywhere without me, how did you get him on the flight?]
Pule: Backmail!
[Father Time You were there.]
Charity: Now they stole that line from the Wizard of Oz.
[Father Time clears his throat. He turns back to the computer and punches in: MISSION DOUBLE IMAGE. File opens to computer scans of Evil Burrows, Gene, and Kiddington,]
Charity: And I.
[Loud, the computer scanning and comparing their features, millimeter by millimeter, stat by stat,]
Toast: Step by step, days by days.
[as the computer then imposes, with the help of physiognomy scan, Loud's face on Evil Burrows: hennce, mission double image. Loud slowly looks up at Father Time. Father Time When I couldn't find you, I had to replace you. Evil Gene Burrows was the obvious choice.]
Pule: So it's your fault.
[He double you, what? Two, three times? Loud Twice. Father Time What did you think of him?]
Loud: HE'S NOT MY TYPE.
Charity: (giggling)
[Loud You know we have reservations about each other. Isn't it a little late in the day to be asking me that? Father Time Not necessarily.]
Pule: Well, no.
[Father Time shows Loud a photo of airline Captain.]
Charity: Eeew! Why did you have to show me that?! That is so gross!
[Father Time Airline record list Captain Phillip J. Fry as]
Toast: That guy.
[the pilot for Flt 2207,]
Loud: YOUR ORDER IS READY.
[as far as the media and all governmental agencies are concerned,]
Charity: He shouldn't be in this film.
[Captain Fry died on the flight, but in fact he missed it.]
Toast: Dying on the flight?
[He did, however make the next flight-in cargo, stuffed into a rather small suitcase considering his size.]
[Another photo of an open suitcase, the body in it partially obsured by a ring of police]
Loud: HOW CAN ANYONE FIT THAT ON THEIR FINGER?
[and customs officers. Father Time (cont'd) Someone on that flight planned an operation designed to down the plane and make it look like an accident.]
Charity: This was no boating accident!
Others: Huh?
[Someone skillfull enough to bring the whole thing off without a hitch but-they don't always get your luggage on the plane,]
Toast: Nor have more coffee.
[even when you fly first class. Loud So there's one thing we know Evil Burrows doesn't.]
Pule: And that's acting.
[Father TIme Then you do think it was Evil Burrows. Loud barely nods. Father Time (cont'd) And you're not surprised.]
Pule: (bored) Neither are we.
[Loud gives Father Time a look. Loud Whatever Good Burrows was carrying]
Charity: Smells bad.
[Evil Gene wanted and he wanted to conceal the fact that he took it. Father Time Enough to kill Good Burrows and two hundred innocent passengers?]
Toast: Let's not forget the Zoidberg lobster, dude.
[Loud smiles. Loud Evil Gene feels he hasn't done the job unless]
Loud: HE FEELS LIKE IT.
[he leaves a lot of hats on the ground.]
Toast: (Father Time) What hats? Who are you?!
[Father Time The question is why?]
Pule: Cause we love you.
[What was this Chimera Good Burrows was carrying? Loud rises and moves to the window. Loud Right now only Evil Burrows know that.]
Charity: What good is it if we know it?
[Father Time In any case, you've got to recover Chimera and bring it to us.]
Loud: AND BRING US THE HEAD OF GALLAGHER.
[Loud In order to do that, I've got to figure out how he plans to make money with it.]
Charity: Internet?
[Father Time -right. In fact since the plane went down]
Pule: 911 came early.
[our banking sources have confirmed a marked increase in the stock pilling of cash in terrorists accounts. Loud 'Terrorists?'
Loud: (Father Time) YES, THEY ARE LOSERS WITHOUT ANY LIVES WHATSOEVER.
[Father Time Well you know Good Burrows's history.]
Toast: He is a good version of Gene from another world.
[You're the one who got him out of the Soviet Union was it still in bio-weapon business.]
Charity: We may never know.
[Loud If that's what you're thinking.]
Loud: YOU'RE WRONG!
[Evil Burrows would have set up a bidding situation with any number of buyers before he got on the plane. Locating him in time to stop something like that- Father Time -is where Miss Bazaar comes in. Loud (blindsided) Excuse me?]
Pule: Why? You burp?
[Father Time Miss Bazaar and Evil Burrows had a relationship which he took very seriously.]
Charity: Aren't I a little young for that?
[She walked away and he's wanting her back ever since.]
Toast: So he can killed her.
[We believe she's our surest and quickest way of location him. Loud (acidly) And then what?]
Loud: (Father Time) AND THEN I FORGET WHAT HAPPENED.
[Father Time Then makes sure she continues to see him.]
Charity: By buying tickets.
[Gets him confide in her and report to you. Loud You made it sound as if I was]
Toast: Stupid.
[recruiting her for her skills as a thief.]
Pule: And for loving Loud.
[Father Time Well, then I mislead you.]
Pule: (Father Time) Bye now.
[Or you made the wrong assumption. Loud way we're asking her to resume a prior relationship, not do anything she hasn't already done.]
Loud: THERE'S A BILLION THINGS SHE HASN'T ALREADYD DONE.
[Loud She's got no training for this kind of thing. Father Time Go to bed with a man and lie to him? She's a woman.]
Charity: Not Alyssa Milano.
[She's got all the training she needs.]
Toast: She just can't remember any.
[Loud's anger flashes but does his best to contain it.]
Toast: Boom dude!
[Loud I don't think I can get her to do it. Father Time You mean it'll be difficult.]
Pule: (Loud) No, I don't want her to do it, period.
[Loud Very. Father Time Well it's not mission difficult, Hunt. It's mission impossible.]
Loud: ISN'T IT THE NAME OF THIS MOVIE?
[Difficult should be a walk in the park for you.]
Charity: South Park.
[If you can think of a quicker way to get to Evil Burrows,]
Charity: Forget it.
[you're welcome to try. Oh, by the way, you might want to take a look at these..]
Toast: (Father Time) They're photos from my vacation.
[if you have any further qualms about getting her to do the job.]
Pule: Get over it.
[He pulls out a little Minolta digital camera (identical to the one in Nekhorvich's bag at airport security.)]
Loud: BUT IT ISN'T A GOLD STAR.
[Father Time sets it on the table. Loud picks it up the tiny camera and puts it to his eye.]
Loud: SHAKE HER BOTTOM IF YOU GOT THEM.
[Part 5 Charity Mission. June 25 2003, 2:42 PM EXT-BAR (NIGHT) A grim Loud, starring]
Toast: Billy and Mandy.
[fixedly ahead of him emerges to an ever more lively crowd. as he does:]
Pule: He began to regret the whole mission.
[Bugs Bunny Senor, senor!]
Charity: (Bugs) I need to find Speedy Gonzalez.
[Your flowers. The vendor holds up the spring bouqet. Loud seems genuinely surprised by them. Loud Yes. They're very nice.]
Loud: BUT THEY MAKE ME SLEEPY.
[And he's lost in the crowd, leaving a very puzzled Bugs Bunny holding the bouquet.]
Charity: (Bugs) Oh well. I will give these to Lola.
[STILL OF CRASH SITE IN ROCKIES (THRU MINOLTA STILL CAMERA) One after the other flashing by. They are more evocative than specific in their suggestion of an abrupt, fiery, ending,]
Toast: Too bad it ain't in the same movie.
[where the lives of hundred are literally and figuratively torn apart and strewn over a desolate landscape. Charity carefully places the little Minolta on a glass-topped coffee table.]
Pule: Hey, how did she make a house there so quick?
Charity: I don't know.
[She's beautifully pulled together, the safehouse has the lights low, flamenco music playing, and when she walks out onto the balcony]
Pule: It breaks.
Charity: Nice try, Pule.
Pule: Crud.
[Loud sees the candlelit table and a bottle of champagne chilling.]
Charity: (singing) You must remember this. This movie really stunked.
[There's a light breeze the fire from the burning effigies throwing smoke and flame all over the city.]
Toast: Dude, they are burning Alanis Morissette
Loud: ABOUT TIME.
[Charity What's the population of Seville any idea?]
Loud: HOW ABOUT NONE?
[Loud Five, six-hundred thousand.]
Toast: And sixty for the aliens in my head.
[Charity There's nearly 2 million in London. Loud And six billion in the world.]
Loud: AND 99 BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL.
Charity: Oh, knock it off.
[Charity That's lot of people out there..how many of them, I wonder, are capable of something like that?]
[A long shocked moment. Charity laughs. Charity Right... INT-SAFEHOUSE (EVE-LATER) The pounding beat of]
Charity: A nazi.
[the flamenco music seems to fill the room Charity's back to Loud: Charity (grimly accused) Not that it matter much but..]
Toast: (Charity) Where's my money?
[I seem to recall you staying]
Pule: In prison.
[something like, 'I was hoping we could work together.' Loud This wasn't what I had in mind, Charity.]
Pule: (Loud whinning) I want to have it.
Charity: Eew.
[Charity But it is what you'd like me to do. so tell me to do it..]
Loud: REALLY?
[She approaches Loud. They're inches apart. Charity (cont'd) Come on, out with it.]
Charity: Tell me I'm hot.
(Loud blushes)
[Tell me to go and insinulate myself back into Sean's life.]
Toast: To go and insultate myself back into Sean's life. There, that isn't so hard, is it?
[Loud Go and insinulate yourself back into Evil Gene's life.]
Toast: Dude, that is what I said except he got the name wrong.
[Charity I'd like a little more conviction..]
Loud: GUILTY!
[Loud So would I. But it's not mine to give. Charity (archness there) You've either got it or you don't. Let your conscience be your guide?]
Charity: Now it's Pinochhio.
[Loud Somelike like that. With a smile and a wink. Charity But I don't have a conscience.]
Pule: (Charity) I'm pretty.
[I'm a bloody thief.]
Charity: And that, I don't like Gene that much.
[Loud You can be a thief and have a conscience. Charity No.]
Pule: You can't have both.
[You can be a thief and have a conscience: Not me.]
Loud: (Charity) I LOST MY CONSCIENCE WHEN I WAS LITTLE.
[Why did you have to tell me about this!]
Toast: (Loud) I want you to..
Charity: Don't do it.
Toast: What?
[(pouring herself a drink) What do I have to do to get away from this guy?]
Loud: KILL IN A ROBO-SPIDER.
[When you're with him, he messed about with your head very waking moment..]
Pule: Even when he isn't with us, he messed with our heads anyway.
Toast: (moaning) Dude, don't do that. My head when you do.
[even now I'll be at some out-of-the-way place, a tin of caviar and a bottle of Crystal shows up at the atable, with two glass, G** knows how he finds out at any given moment where I am in the world but he does.]
Charity: He found me with Morre's help.
[And it looks like he's done it again. You know his definition of a true paranoid?]
Toast: Tweek.
[Loud I don't. Charity Someone in possession of all the facts. (she turns away, pauses) Are you telling me I have to do this?Loud Generally, I don't favor coercing someone.]
Loud: I DON'T EVEN FAVOR GALLAGHER.
[Not when there's a chance my life could end up in their hands.]
Charity: Especially during the Washington attacks.
[Charity And that's the only reason? Loud Can you think of a better one?]
Toast: Nah, I better not.
Charity: Good.
[Charity Not me.]
Pule: (Charity) I can't think of a better reason.
[I was just hoping you might..or that..somehow in the course of business this got personal as well as physical. Loud Look, would it make you feel better if]
Pule: (Loud) I stop this movie.
[I didn't want you to do this? Charity Much. Loud Then feel better!..]
Charity: I am.
[Long moment while she looks at him. Loud (cont'd) Well.]
Loud: INTO THE HOT TUB?
[That made all the difference in the world, didn't it? Loud walks out onto the balcony. She looks at his back.]
Toast: (Charity) Man, look at all the hair. It's disgusting. Eew.
[Charity Seanb will never be anything but]
Toast: Stupid.
[suspicious if he picks up some sort of 'yoo-hoo-I'm-not-nad' message.]
Charity: Not even on CDs?
[Not after the way we broke up. Loud What wouldn't make him suspicious?]
Pule: Beer.
[Charity Probably that I needed him in some urgen way..destitute-in serious trouble...the kind I couldn't possible sort out myself..]
Loud: DID YOU TRY GOING INSANE?
[Loud's been smiling slightly. Loud Serious trouble, Charity, is something I can always arrange.. Charity IN A SPANISH JAIL]
Charity: (sarcastic) Oh yeah. Thanks a lot.
Loud: HEY, IT'S ONLY A MOVIE.
Pule: That is what we think with the Rocky Horror spoof.
Toast: Totally, dude.
[standing for front and side mug shot. O.S. sound of teletype continues. SUPERIMPOSE: Loud holding something the size of a dime:]
Toast: It's a nickel!
[Loud This little chip sends a coded signal that]
Loud: MAKES NO SENSE.
[can be picked up only by our computer. On the screen of the GPS computer, a little yellow blip appears pulsating on the screen. Loud'S VOICE When it's in your ankle]
Pule: It will break off.
[we can track you within three feet of anywhere in the world.]
Loud: AND WE CAN TRACK YOU TO THE BATHROOM SO WATCH OUT.
[OVER Loud AND ONTO COMPUTER SCREEN]
Toast: (singing) To grandmother's house we go.
[He types a small Interpol bulletin stating that Charity Bazaar apprehended March 13 in Seville, is awaiting extradition while the authorities in London, Paris, and Amsterdam]
Pule: Plays Bingo.
[squabble over where she's going to be tried first, for the various thefts and burglaries she's committed in the three cities.]
Charity: Except Atlanta, Georgia. I never go there.
[COMPUTER SCREEN (Evil Burrows TENT ANNEX-DAY) Evil Burrows picking up on a version of]
Loud: AOL.
Pule: (AOL) You got mail. And a bald spot on your head! Ha!
[the Interpol bulletin Loud's put out. He leans over the screen for a moment, then moves to the window, and stares out thoughtful at the bay, almost as if he were watching...]
Charity: Star Trek. (does the Star Trek theme song)
[EXT-Charity IN JAIL COURTYARD From a beautiful blue sky, pan down to the courtyard of the jail where Charity is allowed out for an airing, seemingly alone but being watched by: Loud AND COMPUTER SCREEN]
Toast: Oh no! They are watching "Blonde Girls Behind Bars".
[His attention fixed on the screen, Loud stared at satellite shot of Charity in the jail courtyard.]
Pule: (Loud drooling) Yes, yes. Take it off.
Others: Pule!
Pule: What?!
[INT-PRISON-Charity being allowed a phone call, a prison guard visibile b.g. Cross cut with Loud. Loud Look, I can't run your arrest in CNN,]
Pule: James Earl Jones won't allow me to.
[but I guarantee he's monitoring every law enforcement agency in the world, for what they might be saying about him,]
Toast: He's crazy, dude!
[if nothing else, he's got the abilitiy and, we assume, the desire to get you out of there. Charity This doesn't seem to be accomplishing much.]
Charity: You're telling me, sister.
[Loud Well, I mean it's not a total loss.]
Loud: AT LEAST YOU WON'T STAR IN ANOTHER MI FILM.
[It is keeping a very capable thief off the street..]
Toast: Dude, I thought Aladdin was already married.
Pule: He is.
[Charity Very funny..]
Pule: (Charity) I am going to kill you again. (Normal) It's a joke, okay?
Loud: IT BETTER BE.
[maybe he has heard and doesnt want to know. Maybe he's lost interest.]
Loud: YOU MEAN HE HASN'T???
[Her guard, b.g is handed a note Aka (to Charity) Your lawyer to see you. Charity What lawyer}
Charity: If it's Dan Fielding, I am going to chainsaw him in half.
[Loud AND COMPUTER SCREEN. Loud Well, here we go.]
Toast: Turn ons: Getting high. Turn offs: This movie.
[Loud punches: Request immediate availability. EXT-GOVERNMENT BUILDING-SEVILLE (DAY) Charity emerges from the entrance to the jail. Loud Stop and look]
Charity: Before you cross the street.
[for something in you purse..kneel down..]
Toast: Now roll over.
[She does. They're effectively blocked from the street. Charity Limo's waiting. Loud hands her a key chain with what appear to be a car-key.]
Pule: Isn't that on a key chain?
[Loud -Evil Burrows will have counter-surveillance second to no one's.]
Loud: NOT EVEN FORT KNOX.
[When and if he contacts you,]
Charity: Hang up.
[push this button before you actually end up under his roof it'll scramble your]
Charity: Eggs.
[transmission to us. She takes the key chain. Her hands are shaking. Charity When will you be there?]
Loud: SIX O'CLOCK?
[Loud Before you are. Charity How can you possibily? I've got to get right on the plane.]
Pule: (Tattoo) Boss! The plane!
[I'm leaving now. Loud You don't trust me. Charity Oh, I do.]
Toast: (Charity) It's the director I don't trust.
[But as we know I'm a very poor judge of character. Loud He's got you on Qantas flight 2735. It's going to be delayed. Charity Yes? Loud You'll be fine.]
Loud: I WILL BE HERE.
Charity: Oh Loud...
[I'm going to lose you. Charity Loud, you take care of yourself, I'll take care of myself becaise if push comes to shove, I'm gonna bail...]
Pule: Out OJ Simpson.
[and without giving two week notice.]
Charity: Not starring Hugh Grant.
[Loud Well, forewarned is forearmed.]
Toast: (Loud) Uh, what did I mean by that?
[And while we're at it, be especially sensitive to any sudden change in Ambrose's plans, especially any involving you.. They rise. A quick squeeze of her hand and he's gone. A look of something like longing replaces the toughness as she gazes after him, then starts across the street]
All: Singing do a daily daily dum daily do!
[toward the limo and driver.]
Loud: (driver) Did I see Loud Kiddington with you?
Charity: (nervously) No, not at all.
Loud: (driver) Oh, all right.
[MI music theme kicks in and continues over:]
Charity: Do they have to do that every few seconds???
[Part 6 The Mission Beagns]
Toast: Dude, they stole that line from Weird Al. Though Weird Al is going to throw it away anyway.
[July 22 2003, 5:45 PM POV HELICOPTER (MOVING-SYDNEY-DAY) over the Harbor Bridge, sails dotting the bay like confetti.]
Pule: Someone littering.
[EXT-FARM (DAY) pans of sheep are bleating and looking for sort of cover in response to the sound of a helicopter touching down.]
Pule: Old McDonald Has A Kirby.
[EXT-COPTER (DAY) Toast and Froggo emerge,]
Toast: (Peter Graves) Hi, I'm Peter Graves. Today we are going to visit a farm made years ago.
[Froggo with computer looking acutely uncomfortable in a wrinkled suit. Loud'S VOICE Welcome to Australia, mate.]
Loud: THANK YOU ANONYMOUS VOICE.
[They look up to a smiling Loud who points to the ground beneath Froggo's feet. Froggo looks down to see that he is standing in a pile of sheep-****.]
Charity: Oh, I do not want to know what he step in.
[Froggo Thanks-mate. Both men laugh]
Toast: Dude, people stepping in crud is funny.
[and all three move to: INT-FARMHOUSE (DAY) Froggo and Toast]
LOUD: AND JOE!
[with Loud setting up their operation. There's a blip on one of the screens. Froggo It's the transponder. Loud Put in the coordinates and let's get a visual.]
Pule: Rugrats is coming on.
[The visuals aren't coming up. Froggo The satellite doesn't work as fast as I do.]
Charity: So we aren't going to get MTV?
[Toast Yeah, I've heard about you, Froggo,]
Charity: (Toast) Didn't I work with you?
[and I just want to tell you it's an honor and a pleasure]
Toast: To leave early.
[to be working with you blokes, whoaa! That's some transponder! As Toast speaks, the visual come on line and Charity has become visible.]
Pule: Now she's virtual Charity.
[Froggo (a jaundiced eye, to Loud) It certainly is. How did we get so lucky?]
Loud: I GOT HER FIRST.
[Loud pointedly ignore the question. (POV-MOVING (PALM BEACH-DAY) rounding the tip of the bay's crescent, revealing the beach and dock at Evil Burrows's palm-lined residence.]
Loud: MEANWHILE AT BEACH DR. EVIL.
[Charity The speedboat's engine's are cut. Charity looks momentarily stricken. POV Charity (MOVING) a lone slender figure silhouetted at the end of the dock,]
Toast: Quack, dude!
[still as the piling besides which it stands. But the features remaing obsured by the sun at his back. Loud leans forward as the slender figure grows larger, Toast (To Loud) Is it him,]
Charity: The real hero of this story?
[then? POV-MOVING The tide is too low for the boat to dock, making it necessary for he boat to approach the shore. The slender figure moves off the end of the dock and onto the beach.]
Pule: Probably to build sand castles.
[THE CIGARETTE idles into shadow water but the props start chewing into the sand-]
Loud: SAND AND CIGARETTES DON'T MIX.
Charity: I'll say.
[the boatman grumbles he can't get any closer. The slender figure has moved to the shoreline and the angle of the light changes-Evil Burrows is waiting. Charity hesitates only a flicker of an instant, slips over the side into thigh-high water without taking her eyes off Evil Burrows.]
Charity: D'oh! That idiot made me ruined my dress!
[Evil Burrows strides right on into the bay, as they are just an arm's length apart: Charity takes a deep breath, presses the button to scramble the transponder. WITH Loud (INT. SHEEPFARM SAFEHOUSE) The picture abruptly goes dead. Toast D***.]
Toast: Dude, I knew we shouldn't got Dish Network.
[Just when it was about to get interesting.]
All: At first.
[Loud It's okay. She scrambled the transmission. Froggo, continue feeding the GPS her position.}
Pule: If someone is going to get feed around here, it's going to be me!
[Froggo punches in. The signal-and the global coordinates are given. They wait. INT-SPACE The satellite positions itself.]
Pule: If it is, we woulda been back on Earth by now.
[Froggo shoots him a disgusted look. Froggo With what?]
Loud: A GROSS GUN.
[This is the only computer that'll do this.]
Charity: And it isn't made by Bill Gates.
[THE SIGNALS AND PHOTOS start to bounce back,]
Toast: Like the Empire.
[growing larger and larger on the screen, until: Charity can be seen, water up to her thighs, lingering in Evil Burrows's arms with each blow-up, and linger.]
Pule: What are they doing?
Loud: (in a mother-like voice) IT'S CALLED SECRETS, HONEY.
[and lingering. Toast -right. Now there's a bloke who knows how to deliver a proper welcome.]
Pule: Wrong!
[Don't get me wrong, mate. You were quite hospitable. Is it him, then? Loud's look suggests he's worried about lapse in recruiting judgment.]
Charity: As well as the budget.
[Froggo It is, Toast.]
Toast: Now shut up!
Loud: HEY, YOU JUST TOLD YOURSELF TO SHUT UP.
Toast: Hey, yeah. Wait a minute!
Others: (giggling)
[Toast Then we got’em! Loud We don’t know what we’ve got]
Loud: A BIG VISA BILL.
[because we don't know what he's got,]
Toast: A cold, dude.
[where he's got it or what he's doing in Sydney with it. Loud strides away from the screen,]
Pule: (Loud whining) I can't look anymore.
[the edge in his voice and the move not altogether lost on either Loud or Toast.]
Loud and Toast: Huh?
[INT-THE BAY (EXT. PALM BEAH-DAY) Perfectly poised, still loosely in his arms, Charity returns Evil Burrows's penetrating gaze with a plesant, clear eyed one.]
Charity: A disgusted look.
[Evil Gene Burrows Not much luggage. Charity I left in a bit of a hurry. I'm terribly grateful, Sean.]
Charity: That you changed your name.
[Evil Burrows How grateful? Charity Well that depends. Evil Gene Burrows On what.]
Pule: On whatever you tell me about the Chimera. D'oh!
[Charity How hard yop had to work to get me out of there..how in the world did you ever find me? Evil Burrows (stopping) How I usually find you, Charity. Charity How do you that.]
Loud: (Gene) I BRIDE BILL CLINTON.
[Evil Burrows Magic… Charity Ahh… POV THRU TENT ANNEX WINDOW (AMBROSE COMPOUND) looking down the length of the dock. Evil Burrows, his arm around Charity and carrying her suitcase,]
Toast: Well, that’s two. One more and he will have to juggle.
[moves up to the dock toward the house and camera.]
Loud: WHICH HE ACCIDENTALLY HIT.
[Slasho steps into the annex and looks over to Morre II, who watches Nyah on the monitors. Morre II No flies on her.]
Pule: Nor bumblebees.
[(checking her on a scanner screen)]
Charity: Pervs.
[No bugs either. She's clean.]
Toast: Dude, she's been in the ocean. Of course she's clean!
Slasho (drily) All cats are.]
Loud: MEOW!
[INT-ETHAN-SAFEHOUSE (SHEEP FARM-DAY) Ethan watches the Nekhorvich video on the computer screen. Good Burrows ...therefore]
Charity: I am.
[in a search for our hero, Bellerophon, we created a monster, Chimera.]
All: Too late.
[Loud then flips through a series of pictures on the computer depicting the myth of Bellerophon attacking Chimera.]
Toast: (Loud) Ah man. I wanted to watch Sci-Fi.
[Toast moves up behind him. Toast What you got there, mate?]
Pule: Boogie fever.
[Loud A myth..just a myth...]
Pule: (Lady) Yes?
[shouldn't you be checking our their countersurveillance?]
Toast: Nah. I rather check out Pepper. Now that's a meow.
[Toast Well you know his blokes'll place the OSCOR in his annex, where else if you're pinpointing transmitters, video signals, covert chip cameras, anything radiating, oscillating..]
Charity: The Nintendo place.
[Loud ..or hard wired.. Toast (please) -or hard wired, right. First line of perimeter defence'll run from the back of the dock to the front of the house.]
Loud: TO THE SATELLITE DISH.
[Whatever moves burps of bleep is gonna be]
Toast: Censor by Lydia Karaoke.
[picked up to a height of twenty feet. Basically impenetrable, I'd say. Froggo Loud, here's Good Burrows, and here's his boss]
Loud: ARSENIO HALL!
[Froggo scans an entry from the IMF datacase with newspaper clippings, sidebars of still of Daffy Duck and Good Burrows.]
Pule: (gasp) New additions to taxes again?!
Charity: Oh my goodness.
[Froggo (cont'd) Duck, Daffy Dumas, CEO Biocyte]
Charity: Has 10 kittens to give away.
[Pharmaceuticals..D.O.B.]
Charity: Dead On Bob.
[September 30, 1952, Manchester, England. Toast (a little lost) Well do you disagree with that?]
Pule: Yep. He was actually born in California.
[Loud Not at all. But how about going into town and confirming your intuitions on site? Toast Oh well, if that's how you feel about it.]
[As Froggo transfer info to Loud's computer: Froggo (cont'd) Loud, have a look at this.]
Toast: (Loud) Argh! No way!
[On Loud's screen appears the Biocyte website;]
Charity: Serving all your chemical needs.
[where among he various icons one offer Duck's proud detailing of Biocyte's philanthropic efforts:]
Pule: Even beat Bugs Bunny in Big Game 29. Neat.
[Duck'S VOICE We at out state-of-the art solar powered Biocyte building recognized that eternal vigilance is the price of health..]
Loud: ABOUT A HUNDRED BUCKS.
[whether it's funding the teaching center at the Royal Prince Edward]
Charity: In a can.
Toast: Let me out. D'oh! You finished the joke.
Charity: (chuckling)
[Hospital, removing aerosol products from the marker or braving the influenze quarantine at Bruny island late last month..at Biocyte your life..is our life's work..]
Toast: Well, except for Tom Hanks's and Invader Zim's.
[Loud (quietly) ..Biocyte workers at Bruny Island. INT-Evil Burrows'S (DAY) They've reached the head of the stairs.]
Pule: Which is really round.
[Evil Burrows opens a door. It's a large bedroom opening onto a veranda with a view of the tent annex and the beach, and a very large bed.]
Pule: So, uh, Where's Waldo?
Loud: OH, HE'S UNDER THE BED.
Pule: Ahhh.
[Charity Your room.]
Loud: (Evil Gene) NAH. I AM WATCHING IT FOR A FRIEND.
[Evil Burrows (yes) Mmmm. Charity And my room? A long moment. Evil Burrows walks to a mirrored wall. The mirrors are sliding doors.]
Toast: Betcha they break at the sight of him.
Charity: Nope.
Toast: Darn.
[With a sweeping gesture, he slides one of the mirrors back and reveals a wardrobe of beautiful designer clothes.]
Charity: (chuckling) Clothes from the Thaddeus Plotz collection.
[Evil Burrows Thought you could use a little something to wear.]
[Charity stares at the spectacular wardrobe. Evil Burrwos pulls out a slinky Armani and drapes it on the bed. Evil Burrows (cont'd) Try it on..]
Loud: I DON'T THINK IT IS GOING TO FIT.
[Charity hesitates. Evil Burrows (cont'd) Go ahead. I'm dying to see if I remembered your size..]
Charity: Yeah, I betcha he is dying.
[Charity picks it up. Charity No changing room? Evil Burrows sits on a chair by the window and waits. Her blouse, belt, skirt, fall on the bed.]
Toast: Now the bed.
Charity: This movie got sickness written all over it.
[As her slender arm reaches down to pick up the Armani: Evil Burrows grips her wrist, the flimsy Armani dangling in the air.]
Pule: (Charity annoyed) Can I have my Armani please?
[CLOSE-Charity meeting Evil Burrows's look. Charity You're not interested in seeing how it looks.]
Pule: He is interested in these!
[Evil Burrows Oh, I am. Later.. THe Armani falls in a fragile heap on the floor. CLOSE-Loud (DUSK) standing off to one side, listening to Good Burrow's voice. Good Burrows ..therefore in a search for our hero,]
Loud: OH COME ON! THIS WAS A FEW SECONDS AGO!
[Bellerophon, we created a monster, Chimera. Froggo Why's Nekhorvich going on about an old Greek myth?]
Toast: Cause he's a dope.
[Loud Evil Burrows specialized in recombining DNA molecules.]
Charity: And the devil.
[In the myth, Bellerophon killed Chimera, a recombinant monster with the head of a lion and the tail of a serpent]
Toast: And a voice of Little Richard.
[who plaqued the ancient world. I think Nekhorvich has created a monster virus in Chimera and apparently the means to kill it in Bellerophon. Froggo That simple, huh?]
Loud: NAH, I MADE IT UP.
[Loud Why not? CLOSE-Charity (INT. Evil Burrows BEDROOM-DUSK) lying back on a pillow, looking and off into space to right off camera. She hears Evil Burrows's voice, with Loud's voice Evil Burrows'S VOICE/Loud'S VOICE D***, you're beautiful..]
Charity: The Delightful Children is in the room with them.
Pule: Oh no!
[Charity reacts as if she'd been rapped on the note, her eyes moist. She turns abruptly to camera.]
Pule: (Charity) Stop filming me! (giggling)
[Charity Did you say something?]
Charity: Or was that the audience?
[Evil Burrows leaning on an elbow, looking down. Evil Burrows I said you're beautiful, Charity.]
Pule: (Evil Burrows) And that I am going to kill you.
[Charity Only because..it's spring..]
Loud: IN MINNESOTA.
Toast: Dude, we also like to tease Minnesota.
[chalk it up (looking him dead in the eye) -to spring fever.]
Toast: Get some medicine then.
Evil Burrows, amused, lights a cigarette and inhaling:]
Loud: NOW THAT AIN'T FAIR. THEY DIDN'T EVEN HAVE IT YET.
Charity: You rather they did?
[Evil Burrows Won't do, love.]
Pule: (Evil Burrows) I heard that line last week.
[It's not spring. It's nearly autumn..You're in Oz.]
Charity: So go visit the Wizard.
[everything's upside down and backwards here...]
Toast: Dude, no wonder this movie makes people sick.
[CLOSE-Loud (SHEEP FARM SAFEHOUSE-DUSK) Loud Froggo..get us everything you can on the outbreak of influenze of Bruny Island last month, including photos of]
Loud: YOUR MOM.
[the victims. Froggo Right.]
Charity: And get me Arnold Schwarzenegger.
[I guess there aren't many flu epidemics in the middle of summer. Froggo resumes working on his computer and sees Loud is locked]
Toast: Out of his car again.
Charity: Geez.
[on Evil Burrows's compound on his computer screen, thinking of Charity. Froggo (cont'd) She did it, Loud.]
Pule: And you know it.
[Charity's in the compound. Loud YEah? I've just rolled up a snowball and tosses it into h***.]
Pule: And it hit Heck the Cat.
[Loud stands.]
Toast: (Loud) I am going to drain the little buddy.
[OUTSIDE THE SHEEP FARM SAFEHOUSE]
Charity: (Sheep) We are going to revvvvvoooollt.
[A brooding Loud exits the sheep farm safehouse under a setting sun. Loud'S VOICE Now we'll see what chance it has.]
Loud: UH, NONE I GUESS.
[Loud stops, looking out over the broken plain. His voice is heard overlapping into the next scene. Loud'S VOICE (cont'd) (softly) D***, You're beautiful.]
Toast: (Loud) Huh. I got a strange voice.
[CLOSE-Charity (NIGHT) lying in bed, obviously Loud's voice again, and feeling very much alone.]
Charity: Actually I am alone. Gene isn't really the smartest knife in the drawer.
[She stares out into the night, a gaze that in its bemused intensity is an exact match to Ethan's. FADE: CLOSE-PHOTO-HONG KONG TIMES (INT. Evil Gene Burrows STUDY-]
Loud: SO THEY KILLED MR. BODDY. BIG DEAL.
[EARLY DAWN) its front page, except for the headlines and date,]
Pule: And the funnies.
[covered with stacks of paper money, banded bundled dollars piled high as a cord of wood. The amount $24 millions]
Charity: Makes no sense.
[is written in ink over the money. Evil Gene Burrows Twenty-four mil.. Evil Gene Burrows's hands shift to another photo of another newspaper, the LONDON TIMES,]
Toast: Dude, he seems to have a subscription to the taploids.
Loud: BIGFOOT IS OUTTA PRISON!
Charity: We probed Uranus. Got sue in the progress.
Pule: Indians has overthrow us.
[this one piled high with English pounds]
Pule: Of turkey.
[and the written amount: 37 million pounds. Evil Gene Burrows VOICE Thirty-seven million pounds. That's a promising bid.]
Loud: TRY A ZILLION, GENE.
[The third photo is of the AFTERNOON ARUBAN, with $14 million packaged on it. Evil Burrows, wearing a robe and seated at a glass-topped table, sets this last photo on the table on top the others.]
Loud: HE IS THE HUGH HEFNER OF PLANET EARTH.
[He picks up Good Gene Burrows's digital camera,]
Toast: (Evil Burrows) Now I wondered how much my good self would pay.
[removes the film disk, and snaps it into its plastic case. He places the case into an envelope (NOTE: The same envelope seen at the track)]
Charity: We haven't even been there yet. Stop spoiling things for us.
Loud: WE BETTER OFF KNOWING. THIS MOVIE WAS STUPID ENOUGH.
Charity: You're right.
[and hands it to]
Pule: His lawyer, should he ever get one.
[Stamp Evil Gene Burrows We'll need this at the track. Well then.]
Loud: AGAIN MAYBE NOT.
[Sorted. Slasho is seated near him. Glances toward Evil Gene Burrows's bedroom and Charity asleep in Evil Burrows's bed.]
Charity: So they left the door open? What Gene is the director using here?
Pule: They probably have stupid focus groups now.
Toast: Totally.
[Slasho (pointedly) Not everything. Why do you think she's really here?]
Toast: Taxes?
[Evil Burrows From her point of view or mine?]
Pule: (Slasho) I am too ashamed to answer it, sir.
[Slasho Wasn't exactly gagging for it when she left you six months ago..]
Pule: She is gagging at the sight of him now.
[The question is,]
Charity: Who is the Mole?
[do you trust her? As he speaks, Evil Burrows pulls a cigar case and a cutter out of his robe. Takes a cigar out of the case and clips the end of the cigar; the razor-sharp cutter decapitates the tip of the cigar like a guillotine.]
Loud: WOW! IT BARELY WORKS!
[Evil Burrows One considers her timing,]
Toast: Annoying.
[of course-getting nicked within a week of the plane going down. Suggestive, even borderline suspicious, but hardly conclusive. Slasho Well, you've thorough about it, at any rate. Evil Burrows opens the cutter again to clean off]
Toast: His filth, dude.
[the fragments of tobacco trapped by the cut. Evil Burrows Tell me Slasho.]
Loud: (Evil Burrows) DO I LOOK GOOD IN SHORT SHORTS?
[You don't exactly hang on Charity's every word and gesture, do you?]
Charity: We aren't hanging onto your words right now.
[Gene touches the nail of Slasho's left pinkie finger. Slasho reacts by slightly withdrawing his hand. Slasho Gene... With his left hand Evil Burrows grabs Slasho's left wrist.]
Loud: UH, I HOPE HE DOESN'T ASK FOR HIS HAND IN MARRIAGE.
[Evil Burrows You're not scrutinizing any casual shrug for some hair-splitting nuance, are you? Slasho Gene, please.. Gene pulls Slasho's hand closer. Evil Burrows Suppose she is some sort of Trojan horse]
Charity: And I am a small one at that.
[sent in by IMF to spy in us, why should I deny myself the pleasure of a ride or two?]
Toast: Because you don't have enough cash.
[Or don't you think I can learn more from]
Pule: A dummy. Buckle your safely belt.
[her than she can from me? Evil Burrows twists Slasho's wrist so that Slasho drops to one knee trying to alleviate the pain.]
Pule: Uh, I don't want to know what's going on here.
Charity: Me either.l
[Slasho (in pain) I do!..]
Charity: I now announce you moron and wife. You may kiss the dummy.
[Evil Burrows leans in close to Slasho's face as he places the cutter around Slasho's pinkie.]
Toast: (singing) And the Brain! Yes, they're Pinky and the Brain! One is a genius, the other's insane!
[Evil Burrows Now Slasho, you must realize]
Loud: LYDIA IS NEVER COMING BACK.
[that some of us have the burden of sex to deal with..and my dear chap. I may or may not know why she thinks she's here, but I'm willing to take the risk,]
Toast: Dude, he is going to dive in the pool naked.
[because Hugh, I am gaging for it.. Evil Burrows closes the cutter on Slasho's finger and cuts the nail, just nicking the top of the finger and drawing blood.]
Pule: He is spreading tomato sauce.
[Slasho cries out. Evil Burrows tosses a napkin,]
Charity: Now his lunch, toss it.
[lights his cigar and exhale. Evil Burrows (cont'd) Don't ever question my judgment again.]
Loud: (Evil Burrows) OR I WILL KILL YOU AGAIN.
[Part 7 Race Course September 19 2003, 5:16 PM EXT. RACE COURSE-DAY We see horses racing to the finishing line,]
Charity: They are racing to get the hay.
[people are cheering their betted horses. The horses cross the line, NYAH and AMBROSE are celebrating their win. Evil Burrows Darling, you won! Charity: Well, I suppose I did.]
Toast: But she didn't, dude?
[Evil Burrows Who did you pick that time? Charity Thief in the line. Evil Burrows Say no more!]
Loud: (Evil Burrows) AND I REALLY MEAN IT. YOUR BREATH STINK.
[Evil Burrows sees Slasho.]
Pule: (Evil Burrows) Hey, there's the guy who doesn't trust you.
Charity: Really?
Pule: (Evil Burrows) Yeah and I cut his nail good.
[Evil Burrows I'm going to grab a drink. Do you still favour those Berlinis? Charity Mmmm!]
Loud: NO.
[They kiss.]
Pule: Man, they went through a four packs of Pepsi.
[Slasho watches them from a distance. He picks at his bandaged finger.]
Toast: Uh, that's a bad idea, dude.
[Charity sits back down in her seat. Toast, dressed as a doorman, walks to Charity. Toast Naturally Vain! Charity Pardon me?]
Charity: Are you hitting on me?
[Toast Naturally Vain, in the fourth. Check her out, she's cute.]
Loud: HE MUST MEANS PEPPER.
Toast: Oh yeah, dude.
[Toast hands her a tips book]
Charity: On how to kill Gene.
[and leaves. She opens it to see a small earpiece and an instruction saying "Put this in your ear."]
Toast: Dude, I musta gave her an ear cleaning thing.
[Charity looks worried and quickly puts it in her ear.]
Pule: (Charity) Ouch! That stings! Ow!
[Loud(VO) You can speak as if I'm right by your side.]
Pule: He already is, you poor dope.
[Cut to Loud next to track. Charity (VO) Where are you?]
Loud: IN THE CAN.
[Loud Manet encsloure, just off the track, two O'clock.]
Charity: But it's four.
[Charity stands up and find Loud with her binoculars. Loud does the same thing. Loud(VO) How is it going? Charity Just like old times!]
Toast: (Charity) Except I hate him even more.
[Cut to Loud. Just like old times? Cut to Charity. Charity Just about! Cut to Loud. Loud Tell me]
Toast: Who killed Kenny?
[who you ran into a Evil Burrow's. Cut to Charity. Charity Near as I can tell,]
Charity: No one.
[there is about half a dozen other blokes about... Cut to Loud Charity(VO) ...the place, maybe more. Cut to Charity. Charity Hugh Slasho, old friend of Evil Gene's,]
Loud: AND LYDIA'S FORMER FLAME.
[he's the only one I recognise, and a bit of a creep.]
Pule: Actually he is more of a creep.
[Cut to Loud. Loud We kow him. He's over your left shoulder looking at you right now.]
Charity: The perv.
[Cut to Charity. Charity has a worried look on her face. Cut to Loud. Charity(VO) Evil Burrows has photos of news papers with money piled on them, thirty-seven million on the London Times, what's that about?]
Loud: HE WANTING TO PAY THE SUBSCRIPTION TO THAT NEWSPAPER UNTIL THE END OF TIME.
[Loud Bids for possible Chimera virus. We see Evil Burrows walk into a bar. Toast sees him and brings up his binoculars to see what is going on.]
Pule: Those are his contact lens. He is near-sighted actually.
Toast: Dude, that's not cool!
Pule: Sorry.
[Evil Burrows sits down at a table with a man. Toast Evil Burrows is meeting some bloke in a bar...]
Toast: Drinking beer.
[Cut to Froggo in a van near the course. Toast(VO) ...Ginger hair. They're into something.]
Loud: DRUGS, MOSTLY.
[Evil Burrows inserts the memory card into a camera. Loud moves his binoculars to see him. Loud zooms in on the man.]
Toast: And hits him on the head. Ouch.
[Cut to Froggo. Loud(VO) Who is this guy? Froggo Checking now, Loud! Froggo's computer does an analysis on the man and it comes up with]
Charity: Nothing. That was a waste.
[a result. Froggo Daffy Dumas Duck, CEO BioCyte Pharmaceuticals...]
Pule: And former Looney Tunes star.
[Cut to Loud. Froggo(VO) 1989, acquired BioCyte in a... Cut to Froggo. Froggo ...hostile takeover.]
Loud: WE ALREADY KNEW THAT!
Charity: Yes, but the director thinks we aren't smart enough.
Toast: Dude, if you ask me, it's the director who isn't smart enough.
Pule: Yeah.
[Loud(VO) He was Good Burrows's boss!]
Charity: Now he's Evil Burrows's boss. How ironic.
[Froggo Right! He worked with him as a research scientist at BioCyte. Evil Burrows shows something on a camera. Froggo Evil Burrows is showing something to... Cut to HUNT.]
Toast: The guy known as Bill.
[Froggo (VO) ...Duck on a digital camera. We get a shot of Duck's face.]
[he's not to happy about it. Duck lands the camera back.]
Charity: In Canada.
[Evil Burrows takes out the memory card. Duck leaves the table. Froggo Evil Burrows just pulled the camera's memory card andput it in an envelope.]
Toast: To be mailed later on.
[We see Shelton place the envelope in his jacket.]
All: Who???
[Froggo(VO) Put it in his inner-left jacket pocket. Cut to Loud. Loud Confirm left jacket pocket.]
Pule: (Froggo) No.
[Cut to Froggo. Froggo Roger that!]
Pule: But Roger ain't here.
[Cut to Loud. Loud sees Evil Burrows leave the bar. Loud Charity, now Evil Burrows is on his way back to you. There's an envelope inside his... Cut to Charity. ...left jacket pocket.]
Loud: CHARITY, DON'T FINISHED MY SENTENCES.
[Cut to Loud. Loud That's right! Cut to Charity. Charity Where do I meet you?]
Toast: Behind K-Mart.
[Loud(VO) Betting table twelve, off the paddock.]
Charity: Near Dead Man's Curve.
[We see Evil Burrows a few steps away. Cut to Loud. Are you sure you're up to this?]
Toast: Dude, does it matter?
Loud: IT IS TO ME!
[Cut to Charity. Charity I'll run it through.]
Pule: E-Bay.
[Charity turns around to see Evil Burrows. Charity There you are! Evil Burrows Who else would you like?]
Charity: Anyone and no one.
[Charity gets close to Evil Burrows and takes the envelope from him without him knowing. Charity Naturally Vain! They're about to close the betting and haven't a bean. Evil Burrows Charity!]
Loud: (Evil Burrows) DID YOU STOLE AN ENVELOPE FROM MY POCKET? YOU CUTE DEVIL YOU.
[Charity grabs a fifty-dollar note from his pocket. Charity Would you mind terribly?]
All: We would.
[Evil Burrows Not at all! But, um, you are going to pay for it]
Charity: With your own life!
[and with interest.]
Loud: NO FUNERALS THEN?
Charity: Oh knock it off.
[Charity I have no doubt.]
Pule: (Charity) Well, I have plenty of doubts.
[Charity begins to walk away from Evil Burrows. Evil Burrows Hold on!]
Toast: (singing) Snoopy. Snoopy hang on! Do do, do do, do do do do.
[Charity stops. She turns around and drops the envelope into her hand. Evil Burrows walks up to her. She puts the envelope in her pants pocket. Loud watches her with his binoculars.]
Loud: ALFRED HITCHCOCK'S MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 2.
Pule: Oh, that would never be made.
[Evil Burrows Put down a thousand for me!]
Pule: As well as a hundred of Bob Cranes.
[Evil Burrows takes out a small pile of 100's and gives Charity ten notes. She smiles. Charity To win? Evil Burrows Why else!]
Charity: For alochol?
[She walks off. Loud walks off the enclosure to the betting tables. loud Billy, make sure that...]
Toast: You leave Mandy alone.
[Cut to Toast. Loud(VO) ...Charity isn't followed! Toast No worries mate!]
Loud: THANKS FOR LAYING MY WORRIES.
[Toast walks off.]
Charity: To never be seen again, the end.
[Cut to Loud. Loud Froggo, digital camera, ready to trasmit, betting table twelve. Froggo opens up a briefcase]
Toast: (Froggo) Oh no. I got Mr. Burns's suitcase by mistake, dude!
[and takes a camera. We see Charity walk through the bar, Slasho is there having a drink, he begins following her. Toast is at a doorway, he opens the door for Charity but slams it on Slasho. Toast Oh! Sorry about that, mate!]
Pule: (Toast) I thought you were Louis B. Richardson.
Loud: (Slasho angrily) I AM LOUIS B. RICHARDSON, YOU RETARD!
[That must of...Slasho slams him up against the wall. Slasho Say again!]
Pule: I will. Again.
[Toast can't speak. Slasho Where else you are about in future next time, watch you step.]
Charity: Yeah. You don't want to step in it.
[You don't know who you might run into.]
Loud: THE DIRECTOR MUST BE A KINGDOM HEARTS FAN.
[Slasho shows his bandaged finger bleeding. Slasho So where's the loo?]
Toast: Somewhere in Acme Acres.
[Toast points. Slasho Thanks, mate! Slasho lets go. Toast regains his breath. Cut to Froggo. Froggo exits the van and runs to the betting tables with the camera.]
Toast: (Froggo) I gotta vote for the next Survivor pretty quick.
[Part 8 Betting Tables September 19 2003, 5:26 PM EXT. BETTING TABLES-DAY People are betting on which horses for the race.]
Loud: THE BATHROOMS GET POPULAR EVERY YEAR.
Charity: Uh huh.
[Charity walks into the crowd. She looks around. Loud suddenly appears behind her. Loud How'd you do? Charity almost turns around. Loud Don't turn around.]
Pule: (Loud) I just have plastic surgery and I don't want you to scream.
[Charity I managed. Charity turns around. Loud You turned around. Charity What are you going to do, spank me?]
Charity: Eeew, no.
[Froggo arrives to see them face each other. Froggo coughs to get attention.]
Charity: (Froggo) I'm sick.
[Loud takes the camera. Froggo runs back to the van. Charity takes out the envelope and hands it to Loud. She turns back around.]
Pule: Yeah. Stare at Tom Jones, why don't ya?
[Loud inserts the memory card into the camera. Froggo arrives at the van and enters. Froggo (puffing) I'm booted]
Toast: Off the net.
[up! Go Loud! Cut to BETTING TABLES. Loud starts the transmission of the memory card. Loud Are you getting this? Cut to Froggo.]
Loud: (Froggo) UH, WHAT DID YOU SAY?
[Froggo is typing in codes]
Loud: FOR SONIC ADVENTURE DX.
[and begins to receive the transmission. Froggo Joe Stalion, twenty hours after exposeure.]
Toast: Joe Stalin, thirty years before.
[Froggo and Loud view the footage. The footage shows stills of a man getting weak and cells being destroyed.]
Pule: He say the new Adam Sandler movie.
[We see Stalion's face bleed.]
Charity: His makeup is spreading. Yuck.
[Froggo G**! We see Toast looking out a window. we see Slasho enter the crowd. Toast Slasho's out of the loo.]
Loud: AND INTO THE TICK.
[He coming to the table, heading your way, mate! Cut to Loud and Charity. Loud I want you out of Evil Burrow's place.]
Charity: (Vicky Robinson from "The Deadly Bees") But why?
[Charity What are you talking about? What did you see?]
Loud: PAULY SHORE!
[Slasho sees Charity. Toast Okay, he's coming right behind you, Loud. Loud (to Charity) You've done your job,]
Charity: Unfortunately, I still can't leave the theater yet.
[now I want you out ofAustralia. Slasho gets closer. Toast Thirty steps.]
Toast: Baby ones.
[Charity (to Loud) How do you suggest I go about it?]
Pule: Try breaking out for one.
[Toast Twenty, nineteen. Loud (to Charity) That's so hard, your over whelmed, you need to think it over. Loud Fifhteen, fourteen.]
Pule: That isn't how you spell fifteen.]
Toast: Dude, it's just a bad movie.
[Loud puts the card back into the envelope. Charity hands in the bet. Loud I want you out of here with in an hour. Give me your earpiece.]
Toast: And your bra.
Charity: (annoyed) Oh, now.
[Toast Nine, Ethan, eight!]
Loud: BRANDON!
[loud If you don't get out of here, I'm coming into get you.]
Charity: With Patrick Stewart.
[Charity drops the envelope, she picks it up. Toast Loud, get out of there.]
Toast: Tom Cruise is coming back!
[Charity stands up and turns to see Slasho. Slasho Place your bet, madam? The ticket is made. Charity Just!]
Charity: Stop annoying me.
Walks back to the pavilion. The horses are released. Everyone is cheering.]
Pule: The Yankees are moving from New York.
[Evil Burrows Come on! Come on! Charity slips the envelope back into his right pocket jacket instead. Suddenly Evil Burrows goes quiet.]
Loud: FINALLY HE SHUTS UP.
[Evil Burrows continue to cheer and their horse wins again. They celebrate again. Evil Burrows You picked another winner. INT. Evil Burrow'S STUDY-DAY Slasho is already in the room, Evil Burrows enters and sits at his computer.]
Charity: Which he broke.
[Slasho I thought you are out for dinner? Evil Burrows Slasho, take care of the Good Burrows memory card.]
Toast: Eat it.
[Slasho Where is it? Evil Burrows My jacket pocket. Slasho walks to the jacket. Evil Burrows My right jacket pocket.]
Loud: (Slasho) UH, IT'S YOUR LEFT, RIGHT?
Pule: (Evil Burrows) Not left, right!
Loud: (Slasho) RIGHT, LEFT?
[Evil Burrows accesses a video file of a BIOCYTE commercial. Slasho finds the memory card. Evil Burrows We've got a great opportunity here, I'm not going to waste it.]
Pule: But he did 10 minutes later.
[Part 9 Daffy Disaperence and Charity and Loud Talk September]
Loud: SEPTEMBER.
Charity: September.
Loud: SEPTEMBER, SEPTEMBER, SEPTEMBER.
Pule: Okay, that was pointless.
[INT. LOBBY-BIOCYTE-NIGHT We see Duck exit the elevators and walk past the reception desk.]
Pule: He's going home to watch Ducklock.
[EXT. STREET-NIGHT We see Daffy Dumas enter the street. We also see Morre II in a car with another man.]
Charity: It's Stevie Wonder. Don't get in!
[Dumas enters his limo. Daffy (VO) Plucky, take me home!]
Toast: Dude, how did Plucky did a license to drive anyway?
[Dumas's limo leaves, begins to tail him. INT. LIMO-NIGHT Dumas bites on a cigar,]
Loud: (Daffy) YUM. CIGAR GOODNESS.
[but it tastes bad. he presses a button to open the window, but doesn't respond. Daffy Plucky! Tries the other window. Daffy Plucky!]
Charity: Plucky listening to the intercom giggling.
[The driver doesn't respond. Dumas sits back and sees a newspaper under his briefcase. He picks it up and sees a shocking article.]
Toast: Invader Zim is making a movie!
Others: (gasping)
Loud: WAIT, NO HE ISN'T.
Toast: Oh, never mind, dudes.
[Daffy What the h***?! Daffy locks on the privacy screen. Daffy Plucky! The driver presses the air con button. The vents emit gas.]
Pule: Oh no, Plucky went.
Toast: Dude, gross!
[Daffy sees the gas and struggles. Daffy Plucky! Plucky! Daffy coughs continously and then falls to the seat unconscious. INT. Evil Burrow'S HOUSE-NIGHT Charity is wondering]
Pule: What on Earth is she is doing in this film.
[around the dark house. She walks around several rooms, calling Evil Burrows.]
Charity: A jerk.
[Charity Evil Gene? She moves quietly. Charity Evil Gene?]
Loud: WHAT HAPPENED TO EVIL GENE? FIND OUT ON THE NEXT EPISODE OF THIS MOVIE.
Pule: Oh goodness, I hope not.
[She finds that Evil Burrows isn't around. She leaves the house and runs further up the compound to a different building.]
Toast: Dude, they are holding their annual Pepsi Twist fest.
[We get a shot of the sentries.]
Toast: Now, we only get one shot though.
[She continues for the higher building. She sees a sentry torch coming towards her and goes the other way. She runs through a back way, and suddenly is caught by Loud, who tells her to quiet.]
Loud: I NEED TO THINK.
Part 10 Good Burrows(Loud) Made Daffy Talk September 19, 2003, 5:38 PM INT. HOSPITAL ROOM-NIGHT We see Daffy wakes up in a hospital bed.]
Pule: We are in ER now.
Charity: Hope George Clooney isn't around.
[The bed is surrounded by a plastic sheet.]
Charity: Oh good. He can be comfy.
[He sees NEKHORVICH on the other side. Daffy is not breathing well.]
Pule: How about he tries taking the sheet off?
[Everything sounds like a dream. Daffy What is this? Good Burrows A visit from an old friend.]
Toast: (Daffy) Bugs isn't my friend!
[Daffy You crashed in the plane. Your dead!]
Loud: (Good Burrows) I KNOW YOU ARE, BUT WHAT I AM?
[Good Burrows Died certainly, but dead is a little extreme.]
Loud: HEY WHAT ISN'T ANYMORE?
[On the other hand, when my colleague, Stalion had your pluse and your blood pressure, he had less than a day to live.]
Toast: The IRS took him.
[You're infected with Chimera, my friend. Daffy looks worried and presses a button for help. Good Burrows No use, my friend. Medical staff wants no part of this.]
Pule: Good, because they don't want the humilation of being in this film as we did.
[Doctors don't fit the idea of dying any more than anyone else. Daffy How could I possibily be infected? Good Burrows That's what exactly Stalion said, twenty-seven hours before he died.]
Charity: So Stalion gets kidnapped as well?
[Daffy You've got the antidote, you misterable b**tard. You stole Belairiform, all of it... Good Burrows My, my, my!]
Loud: HIS, HIS, HIS WHAT?
[Daffy ...I need it, I need it now you warned down Russian gipsy.]
Charity: (Daffy) And don't forget to shoot me, shoot me now!
[Good Burrows And what about Stalion, who you deliberately infected with Chimera. Daffy How was I to know they needed to be treated with Belairiform within twenty hours.]
Toast: Try asking, dude.
[Good Burrows By asking me!]
Toast: Whoa, I was right! I am so psychic right now!
[Daffy You still don't get it do you.]
Pule: We're not surprised.
[I needed to see just how bad the diseage was in the real world, not just the lab. You and geneticists splicing strains of influenza, to create a cure for all influenzas, you also created a disease so terrible than Chimera,]
Pule: King Piccolo.
[the cure would be priceless. I needed Chimera in order to pedal Belairform. It's not that difficult to understand,]
All: Huh?
[is it? Look, I've got the virus, you've got the cure.]
Loud: (Daffy) LET'S FORMED THEM TOGETHER TO MAKE A ROCK BAND!
[I needed them both. Time wasn't sure if penicillin would knock off every bug in the zoo. Not any more, if I couldn't make money killing those microscopic s***s that are out there]
Toast: Then no one can!
[or you'd help me put one out there that I could make money on. There it is,]
Charity: M.C. Hammer.
[I've confessed.]
Toast: (Daffy) I cheated on my exam.
[I Daffy D. Duck, am in business to make money. Now forget any deal you may have made with that thug, Evil Burrows, let me treat it and lets go back to work. Good Burrows You know, I think it's a little late for tat.]
Loud: YOU JUST BEEN FIRED.
[Do give my regards to Stalion, if you see him. Good Burrows leaves. Gas starts filling inside the plastic barrier around Daffy.]
Charity: Farts again?!
Pule: Gross!
[He falls back unconscious. We see a shot of Good Burrows exit through a partition. Good Burrows Well... Good Burrows rips off his face to reveal Loud.]
Pule: It's the man with two faces!
Charity: Neat!
[Loud(Good Burrow'S voice) ...I've heard... Loud rips off a voice changing device. Loud ...alll I need to hear.]
Charity: Now to kill off whoever produced this film.
[Part 11 Evil Burrows Trick Charity think he Loud and the Real Loud Plans for the mission. September 19 2003, 5:43 PM]
Loud: MAN, THAT IS ONE HECK OF A RUN-ON SENTENCE.
[EXT. Evil Burrows'S HOUSE-NIGHT Loud and Charity are up against a wall in the dark around Evil Burrows's compound. Loud Charity! It's imperative that we do nothing to alarm Evil Burrows.]
Charity: Not even steal his underwear?
[Charity What? You told me to get out of there as soom as possible.]
Toast: Which is it, dude?
[And you're coming here to collect me, I was so relieved. Loud Ssh! Shhh! Listen to me,]
Pule: (Loud) I don't like you.
[there's no time to talk. It's critical, absolutely critical that you do what ever Evil Burrows says. Do you understand me? Charity nods.]
Pule: (Charity) Uh, no?
[Loud Don't worry, it'll all be over, very soon.]
All: (evil laughter)
[Charity tries to kiss, but Loud pulls away. Loud smiles. Loud That's a promise. Off you go!]
Loud: GO DO MY DIRTY WORK AGAIN.
[Charity heads back to the compound. Loud rips off his face to reveal Evil Burrows. He rips of a voice changing device.]
Toast: (Evil Burrows) Heh, heh. This is going straight up my nose.
[INT. STORAGE ROOM-NIGHT We see loud taking off a jacket.]
Charity: Hello, I'm selling these leather jackets.
[He talks to Froggo. Loud Froggo, we know this much.]
Toast: Nothing, dude.
[Good Burrows gets on a plane to go to the centre for disease control in Atlanta. He's carrying a virus he created, Chimera, and a cure for that virus, Belairiform. Evil Burrows doesn't have the virus.]
Pule: You mean Norm did?
[Froggo That's why Evil Burrows needs Daffy!]
Charity: To kill Bugs Bunny.
[Loud So we go into BioCyte, kill Chimera, Evil Burrows has a cute without a disease and we're home free. Part 11Big Fight in the the Biluding and Charity put the Chamiar inside of her. September 19 2003, 6:13 PM]
Loud: AREN'T THESE MOVIES PHONY?
[INT. SHACK-NIGHT Loud, Frogog and Toast are examining the BioCyte building. We also cut between Evil Burrows as well.]
Charity: And boy, was he mad. (giggling)
[Loud Building up and running?]
Toast: Dude, isn't it still there?
[Froggo brings up an island model on the computer. Loud That's not exactly it?]
Loud: THE BUILDING WE SEEN IS MUCH WORSER.
[Froggo Sorry, but this is a BioCyte facility. The storage structure. I'll have it up in a minute. Froggo brings up the correct model.]
Pule: We know introduced....Tyra Banks!
[Froggo Okay, take a look at this.]
Loud: HE IS GOING TO BLOW OUR MINDS AWAY.
[Loud Start from the inside out.]
Pule: We had to cut him open? Shouldn't he be dead first?
[Froggo All storage and production of Chimera is done here, in this lab on the forty-second floor. Cut to Evil Burrows. Evil Burrows Loud's target will be the Chimera, stored and manufactured at BioCyte on the forty-second floor. If you looked at Loud's operation history, and I have,]
Toast: Found out his pin number.
[he invariably favours misdirection over confrontation. He'll never break into BioCyte from the bottom where security is heaviest.]
Charity: So Loud is going to break into BioCyte from the bottom where security is heaviest.
[We see a computer model of the lobby morph into the actual lobby. Cut to SHACK.]
Loud: LOVE SHACK, BABY!
[Froggo No garage entrance, lobby's protected by five guards on rotating patrol.]
Charity: They went round and round.
[Loud Not going in from the ground. Show me the atrium.]
Toast: Show me the atrium! Show me the atrium!
[Froggo shows the atrium on the computer model. Froggo The atrium, one of a kind.]
Pule: Oh, there's more in Burbank.
[Runs down through the centre of the building. Provides twenty-four hours of natural light via mirrors and daylight storage cells, optimum growing conditions for the virus. Ends in a glass floor which doubles as a part of the labs ceiling. Froggo shows the louvres move on the model. Froggo Uh ah!]
Pule: Shouldn't it be uh oh?
[The atrium roof closes at sun down! If the louvres are up for more than forty seconds at night,]
Charity: Then we got a problem.
[the civil alarm will be tripped, even those I can't stop. Loud, we got a total of forty seconds to get you in and the cables out.]
Loud: SO NO ONE WILL EXPECTED THEY ARE WATCHING BAD CHANNELS.
[Cut to Evil Burrows. Evil Burrows No! Loud will prefer to enter BioCyte somewhere from the top where security os minimal He'll engage in some aerobatic insanity before harming a hair on a guard's head.]
Toast: Dude, didn't he already did?
[EXT. TOP OF BIOCYTE-CITY-NIGHT Toast flies a helicopter to the top of BioCyte.]
Toast: Dude, and somewhere in the world, me in a helicopter exists.
[Loud loads a gun and holsters it. Cut to Froggo in a VAN on the street. Loud(VO) Luther, how we doin'?]
Charity: (Froggo) Killing Superman now.
[Froggo Not there yet, loud. I'll give you the word.]
Loud: YOU ALREADY DID.
Charity: What?
Loud: He said the word. He gave it to me.
Charity: Ah.
[Froggo works quietly on the computers.]
Pule: You woulda think he is concentrating cutting the cable.
[Cut to CHOPPER. Loud Toast, ready to go?]
Charity: (Toast) No.
[Toast nods. Loud secures his cable to the chopper. He lets out some cable to make himself horizontal. Toast Okay, make your way in five... Cut to Froggo. Froggo I'm not ready yet!]
Pule: (Froggo) I haven't check my computer for viruses yet!
[The louvres aren't moving!]
Toast: You mean they can lived longer next to us?
[Cut to CHOPPER. Toast Come on, Froggo, we gotta go!]
Loud: YEAH, I WANNA GO TO CEDAR POINT!
[Froggo(VO0 Wait, there's a glitch in the access code. Toast Froggo, we're out of time. On the count.]
Loud: DRACULA?
Toast: Blood, dude.
[Cut to Froggo. Froggo Please baby, open up!]
All: Ugh!
[Froggo types in the last keys of the code. Cut to CHOPPER. Toast Five... four... Cut to Froggo. Froggo Come on! Toast(VO) Three... Cut to CHOPPER. Froggo Two... one...]
[Cut to CHOPPER. Loud pushes himself off the chopper and is falling. Froggo finally opens the louvres and Loud makes it in. Toast laughs.]
Toast: Dude, people falling are funny.
[Loud continues falling down the atrium until he sees the glass floor. Loud pulls tight on the cable.]
Pule: Room service.
[Loud is only one metre off the glass, but is visible to a guard, who is turned away.]
Pule: He smells his breath.
Loud: HEY!
[Loud manoeuvres himself to not be seen. The guard turns and sees nothing.]
Toast: (Guard) Huh. Coulda sworn I seen a loud boy on a cable.
[Froggo(VO) Twenty five... twenty four... twenty three... Cut to Froggo. Froggo Twenty two... twenty one... twenty... Cut to ATRIUM. Froggo(VO) Loud, you've got nineteen seconds to clear the cable.]
Loud: SO I AIN'T KEEPING THE CHANNELS?
[Loud flips backwards and at the same time disconnects his cable. He hides against the wall under the window.]
Charity: He is now against the wall there.
[the guard turns again and sees nothing. Cut to CHOPPER. Toast Retracting cable. Toast presses a button and the cable begins to go up. Cut to Froggo. Froggo is watching the louvres on the on the computer and the clock counting down.]
Toast: Dude, time to beat the clock.
[Cut to CHOPPER. Toast Come on! Come on! The cable is still coming up. Cut to Froggo. Toast Nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two...]
Loud: LATE!
[The louvres begin to close. The cable makes it out, just touching a louvre. The louvres close. Cut to CHOPPER. Toast Cable's clear.]
Charity: We are no longer getting bad channels.
[The chopper evacuates the roof and leaves.]
Pule: And somewhere in the world, a helicopter exists.
[Cut to ATRIUM. We see Loud still against the wall. The guard leaves. Loud presses a button on his watch.]
Charity: (watch) Self Destruct Activated.
[Cut to Froggo. Froggo Transponder activated. Reading package and cable clear. Cut to ATRIUM. Loud walks away from the wall and goes to the glass floor.]
Toast: And since he is wearing 100 pounds shoes...
[He pulls out something, which looks like a metallic protractor and places it on the glass. Cut to Evil Burrows. Evil Burrows He'll bleach]
Loud: HIS CLOTHES.
[the lab at the only possible time, wether you break in from the ground or the roof.]
Pule: No one cares.
[It's twenty hours one minute when the air filtration generators will cover the sound of Loud's break in and the rotating guards]
Loud: WILL GET SICK.
[make the building vulnerable to our break in from below. Cut to ATRIUM. Loud extends the arm of the device. He gets a notice from Froggo.]
Pule: (Froggo) Tell Sammy and Chit I want them out.
[Froggo(VO) Loud, the generators are about to go active. Cut to Froggo. Froggo Just a friendly reminder we'll be out of contaxct for the eight minutes.]
Toast: Dude, why didn't you say something?!
Loud: PURE PLOT POINT!
[Froggo starts a timer. We see a shot of the generators going active. Cut to ATRIUM. Loud presses a button on the device and a laser begins to cut the glass in a shape circle.]
Charity: Why didn't he used diamonds? Those cut through glass in seconds.
[Loud places a handle and removes the device. He lifts the glass and jumps in. INT. LAB-NIGHT We see Loud enter the lab. He looks around.]
Loud: WHERE'S THE BATHROOM IN THIS PLACE?!
[Cut to Evil Burrows. Evil Burrows I'm betting Loud will destroy CHimera rather than intend to preserve any part of it.]
Charity: Well, you lost.
[He'll have to do it in two places.]
Toast: Anywhere and nowhere.
[The incubation room, where the growth vials are kept. We see Loud walks to the vials. Loud turns to see the injection guns in another room.]
Pule: Those guns are used to bring down Jonathan Winters.
[Evil Burrows(VO) And finally, in the inoculation chamber holding the last Chimera virus in three injection guns. Cut to Evil Burrows. Evil Burrows He won't be allowed to destroy the virus in those guns.]
Pule: So why didn't he do anything besides yakking his mouth off?
[Cut to LAB. Loud begins to walk to the vials. Froggo is tracking him on the computer. INT. LOBBY-NIGHT Evil Burrows and his men enter the lobby. Abyss (From Toons VS Abyss) What's this? You're on time for once? Slasho Not exactly, sport!]
Charity: (Slasho) And shouldn't you be on the set for Toons vs. Abyss?
[The Abyss is shot and killed. INT. LAB-NIGHT Loud puts on a gas mask.]
Loud: DON'T WANT TO SMELL PUMBAA'S FARTS.
Charity: Oh gross.
[He plays back Daffy's voice to a reader.]
Toast: The E-Reader? Shouldn't we use cards for that?
[The door opens. HUNT enters. INT. LOBBY-NIGHT We see a reflection of Evil Burrows and Slasho of the lobby floor walking the same time. Cut to Froggo. Froggo notices the yellow dot,]
Toast: Actually it's mustard. He just have lunch.
[it's Charity. He contacts Toast. Froggo Toast, I think we have a problem!]
Pule: The people who made Apollo 13 are sueing.
[Charity's on the wing, up early.]
Loud: FOR BREAKFAST.
[Toast, do you copy?]
Charity: I don't want the movie people to sue.
[Cut to CHOPPER. Yeah, I gotcha, Froggo! Say exactly where is she?]
Charity: Watching this movie with you.
[Cut to Froggo. Froggo In the building! Cut to CHOPPER. Say again, mate!]
Pule: (Froggo) Again mate.
[Sounds like you'd said she's in the building? Cut to Froggo. Froggo I am, she is! Toast(VO) Well, then. She's not likely to be alone then, is she?]
Toast: Totally, she should be with Loud, dude.
Charity: Oh, I am.
(Charity flirts with Loud who blushes)
[Froggo She's in the elevators]
Loud: WHICH BROKE DOWN.
[heading towards Loud. The question is how many of them. I can't get through to Loud,]
Loud: NO ONE COULD GET THROUGH TO ME.
[not till the generators go off. Cut to CHOPPER. When's that? Cut to Froggo. Froggo Not for another five and a half minutes.]
Toast: And my glasses would be done when?
[We see Loud in the incubation room. He walks to the vials and looks at them. There is a keyboard and screens on either side of him.]
Charity: Wow. We could get Super Mario Bros. on this.
[Loud begins to type. Lasers begin to appear from three guns above the vials. The virus starts to burn up.]
Pule: Hey, this isn't Mr. Wizard's class you know!
[COMPUTER Chimera in vitro pH and temperature levels outside optimal range (repeats).]
All: COMPUTER Chimera in vitro pH temperature levels outside optimal range.
Toast: Dude, that was useless.
[Chimera Working seep stop pH at at critical level. Alert, Chimera stop life threatened. Alert, Chimera stop life terminated. All the charts on the virus begins to go up and the virus is dead in the vials.]
Loud: IT WAS NEVER ALIVE TO BEGIN WITH, PAL.
[The screen displays a notice saying it is dead. Cut to Froggo. Froggo watches the computer screen. Froggo Come on, Loud! Come on!]
Charity: (Froggo) I got tickets for Scary Movie 3!
[Cut to INCUBATION ROOM. Loud places a packet of C4]
Toast: Battleship sunk!
[with a remote detonator attached. He sets the bomb. We get another shot of the floor reflection of Evil Burrows and Slasho. We see Loud enter a small cleaning area between rooms.]
Pule: And you can see him...leaving.
(The prisoners got up and leave the theater. We go through the door sequence again and return to the main room of the ship. Everyone is all there.)
Pule: Say, Toast?
Toast: Yeah, Pule?
Pule: Is this movie one of those parodies?
Toast: Darn straight, dude.
Pule: Over the years, we the H! cast done parodies of movies like Wakko's Wish, the Star Wars saga, Clue, the Rocky Horror Picture Show, the Harry Potter films, the list goes on.
Charity: Yeah, so?
Pule: So...how come this movie parody stunk on ice?!
Loud: Well, basically, the film is kinda rush. And the director didn't bothered to fix the sentences.
Toast: And dude, he didn't bothered to use his own words. Just stole from the MI2 script.
Charity: Well, there are a few things about it.
Loud: You're joking.
Charity: No, I'm not. You and I are in the starring roles, Loud. Gene is the villain, we get to star through other characters from other shows for once...
Pule: What about Thaddeus Plotz? He co-stars in the Episode II parody and yet he was from Animaniacs.
Toast: JusSonic was trying to find characters at the time, dude.
Pule: Oh, right.
Charity: Anyway, and it has us as the usual couple.
Pule: Oh. But...how would that help the film? Nothing's working! And why are there two Genes?????
Toast: Oy vey, dude.
(The commercial sign flashes)
Pule: And another thing...
Loud: (to camera) We will straighten him out. We'll be right back.
(The Histerians came back in and sat down as the movie resumes)
[COMPUTER]
Loud: WHERE AM I?
[Subject is contaminant free. Zero contaminant factor.]
Charity: That is one heck of an ice cream favor.
[Loud exits the area and enter the inoculation room. He takes of his gas mask. He sees the injection guns ahead of him and walks to them. Cut to CHOPPER. Toast Come on! Come on! Cut to Froggo. On Froggo's computer screen, we see that the dots get closer and closer.]
Toast: And so is the end of this movie but billions miles away.
[Toast(VO) What the h*** can we do?]
Pule: Stop swearing for one.
[Froggo What can we do! Hope he kills all the bugs before the yellow dot gets to the red one.]
Pule: Get the bug spray!
[Cut to INOCULATION ROOM. Loud walks to the injection guns. He puts his arms into the gloves.]
Loud: DON'T WANT TO INCRIMINATE MYSELF THERE.
[He picks up one injection gun, puts on what looks like some sort of silencer,]
Charity: The better sequel to one of Hannibal Lecter's films.
[pulls the trigger and the virus is destroyed. He does it to the second gun. When he is about to do the third one, he gets thoughts of Good Burrows injecting himself.]
Toast: Dude, how did he get those thoughts? Did we get a Robin Williams movie by mistake?
[Suddenly guards enter as well as Evil Burrows, and begin to fire bullets at Loud.]
Pule: (Guard) This is for Vanilla Sky!
[He falls, so does the injection gun. He sees it and tries for it but the glass falls from under the gun and it falls to the ground. Evil Burrows Get him!]
Loud: AND HIS LITTLE DOG TOO!
[The guards go after him, more gun fights continue. Loud slides down a series of cables.]
Charity: Wheeeee!
[One of the guards picks up the injection gun. Loud swings around, pulls out a gun and fires at the guard. The guard falls]
Charity: (Guard) I regret nothing!
[and drops the injection gun. Loud hides behind some tanks.]
Toast: Dude, how did the tanks get in there? Did they got in one of Bruce Willis's films?
Pule: If so, we are all in trouble.
[More guards fire. Loud spins around while crouching and begins firing at the guards. He hides behind more tanks.]
Pule: Here's an idea. Stop and aim, you morons!
Loud: THEY MAKE THE GUARDS IN "SPACE MUTINY" MORE SMARTER.
[Cut to CHOPPER. Toast How much longer before you can reach him? Cut to Froggo.]
Loud: (Froggo) I WOULD REACH HIM FASTER IF YOU STOP CALLING ME!
[Froggo We got twenty nine seconds before the generators turn off and Loud will be back on line. Outside the van, we see a mysterious character place a bomb under the van. Froggo sees the reflection of the numbers counting down from the water in the gutter. Froggo Ohhh! Froggo quickly grabs a laptop.]
Pule: (sarcastic) Oh sure. Don't forget your laptop, your precious thing other than your life.
Toast: Dude, that thing will be the death of him.
[Cut to LAB. More guards come into the lab. Loud dives and slides to the other side of the room and fires at the same time, the guards fall and die.]
Toast: Ha! Let's see Pierce Brosnan do something like that!
[Cut to Froggo. Froggo disconnects all the cables to the laptop. He tries to escape, but his jacket is caught on some loose wire.]
Charity: (Froggo) D'oh! I knew I shouldn't have ordered the jacket from Bobcat Goldthwait!
[He finally gets loose and opens the van door. The van explodes.]
Loud: THE A-TEAM GETS THEIR REVENGE.
[Cut to CHOPPER. Toast Froggo! Froggo!]
Charity: (Toast) Can you at least toss up the car keys?
[We see the van inflames and we then get a shot of the generators stopping. Cut to LAB. More gun fights erupt.]
Toast: Like a volcano, except they killed themselves.
[Loud comes out from hiding and begins firing and moving forward. Evil Burrows comes out and fires back.]
Pule: He shoulda at least turn into a robot. I ain't suggesting anything, I thought it would make things better.
[Loud kills more guards. He sees the injection gun. He goes for it, but misses and hides behind a structure. The guards continue to fire. Evil Burrows Hold your fire! Hold your fire, d*** it!]
Pule: (Evil Burrows) You would shoot my girlfriend!
[Loud reloads his gun, he sees the injection gun on the ground. Evil Burrows Well, Loud. How've you been?]
Toast: Pretty annoyed, sir!
[Loud Fighting a bit of a cold.]
Charity: Which is you and Loud is the cure.
[Evil Burrows Oh! (laughs) You know, that was the hardest part of wanting to portray you. You're running like an idiot every fifthteen minutes.]
Loud: SO THAT'S WHY YOU CHOSE TO PORTRAY ME?
[Loud reloads another gun. Loud I thought the hardest part was curing the oppressed need of yours to get your gun off. You were in such a hurry to knock off that seven four seven, you never figured out what Chimera really was.]
Toast: It was Christian Slater.
[Evil Burrows I knew what it was! Loud Ooh! Then you knew the only way that Nekhorvich could smuggle the live virus was by injecting himself.]
Loud: (Evil Burrows) I AM TOO EMBARRASSED TO ANSWER.
[Using his own bloodstream as a Petrie dish, you knew that while you were knocking him off,]
Charity: For embarrassing you.
[destroyed the very thing you came for. Loud comes out and fires and hides back again. The guards fire back. The bullets from the guns make the injection gun move.]
Pule: Good. A gun that moves when guns are use.
[Evil Burrows STOP! Put a sock in it!]
Charity: (Evil Burrows) I am talking here!
[And the bloody gun, you'll spread the virus all over the place. Loud There it is, guys! The last of it! What's the top bid? Evil Burrows Why? Can you make me a better offer? Loud Thirty-seven million pounds?]
Loud: HECK YEAH!
[Not really! Evil Burrows Oh! Somebody has been slpping you our mail.]
Pule: Must be Kevin Costner.
[Come out here you bad girl. Charity comes out. Evil Burrows points his gun at her. Loud sees her via a mirror. Loud Gene, she doesn't belong here!]
Toast: Nor on this ship, dude.
[Let her go!]
Loud: AND MY PEOPLE! LET THEM GO!
[Evil Burrows She wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you, Kiddington. Evil Burrows tells Charity to move. He still has his gun pointing at her. Evil Burrows From this moment, you are responsible for what happens to her. And if you're looking out for her well being,]
Toast: Forget it!
[I suggest you advise her to pick up the injection gun and bring it to me.]
Charity: Hey, he said I was supposed to follow your orders!
[Ball's in your court, Hunt.]
Pule: So no need to call in Michael Jordan.
[Cut to STREET. From the burning van, we see Froggo come from his hiding spot.]
Loud: WE CAN REBUILT HIM. WE GOT THE TECHNOLOGY....BUT I DON'T WANT TO SPENT A LOT OF CASH.
[He is coughing and parts of his clothes are burnt.]
Charity: (Froggo) Great and they are rentals, too.
[Cut to LAB. Froggo(VO) Charity's in the building. Do you copy? Loud Thank you!]
Toast: (Loud) I was being sarcastic.
[Loud turns to see Charity standing in front of the injection gun. Loud How do you know he won't shoot you the minutes hes got it? Evil Burrows I can't hold Charity responsible for her actions, you know women make.]
Pule: Cake.
[Like monkeys they are, won't let go of the last branch till they get a grip on the next.]
Pule: That doesn't make sense.
Charity: Join the club.
[Charity turns. Evil Burrows Get it Charity. I'll cover you.]
Charity: With what? A blanket? No thanks, pal.
[Charity looks at Loud and then the injection gun. She slowly picks it up. Evil Burrows I am waiting!]
Toast: Now where had we heard that before, dude?
[Loud cocks the hammer on his gun. Charity Things haven't exactly worked out the way they thought they would, Loud.]
Loud: THEY NEVER DID WITH THIS FILM.
[Loud shakes his head. Charity Sorry! Loud gets the injection gun, points it to her arm and pulls the trigger. Loud and Evil Burrows are shocked.]
Toast Dude, the director made the sentence wrong again.
[She drops the empty injection gun. Evil Burrows B****!]
Loud: IT'S THE ONLY THING THAT RHYMES WITH WITCH.
[Loud starts a count down on his watch.]
Charity: His stories are on.
[Charity Your not gonna shoot me Gene.]
Pule: She's too sexy for her shorts.
[Not this b****, because she's worth thirty-seven million pounds.]
Loud: MIGHT AS WELL WATCH SOME TV WHILE I AM IN HERE.
[He presses it and pushes Charity out of the way. The incubationr oom explodes. Security systems and alarms go off. More guards enter the room.]
Charity: Oh goodie. More cannon fodder.
[Another gun fight starts. Loud and Charity hide behind some tanks. Loud What were you think you were doing?]
Toast: (Charity) Duh, what the question was again?
[Charity I wasn't thinking.]
Pule: I ain't surprised.
Charity: Watch it, Pule.
[Just trying to stop you from getting hurt, that's all. Loud You who don't have a conscience. Charity I guessed I lied!]
Pule: So she isn't really a thief?
[Guards come and loud shoots them down.]
Toast: (Guard) I been shot again. How stupid am I?
[Evil Burrows and his men are also killing the excess guards.]
Loud: HEY, HOW CAN THEY TELL WHOSE SIDE IS WHOSE SIDE?
Charity: I think it's morons vs. smarts vs. more of a morons.
[Charity You can't get us both out of here? Loud shakes his head. Charity brings Loud's hand with the gun and points it to her chest. Chairty I'm infected with Chimera. You know you don't have a choice.]
Charity: Uh, I don't want to see what's going on here.
[Do it! Do it, now!]
Toast: Really?
Charity: Not you too!
[Loud pulls his gun b ack and rips a bomb from his pack and throws it to a wall. Loud We've got nineteen hours and fifty eight minutes., I'll get Belairiform into your system before them.]
Loud: IN THE MEANTIME, STAY THE HECK AWAY FROM GENE.
[Loud shoots the bomb. The wall explodes. Loud Just stay alive.]
Pule: (singing) Staying alive, staying alive! I, I, I been staying alive!
[I'm not going to lose you.]
Charity: (Loud) Okay, now I'm going to lose you.
[Loud runs and kills more guards. He jumps out of the hole male in the wall. Evil Burrows and Slasho go after him.]
Charity: He stole their lotto tickets.
[Loud does a double somersault in the air and releases the parachute. Evil Burrows checks the wall and can't see Loud. He walks back and gives an angry look to Charity.]
Toast: (Evil Burrows) You're dead, lady.
[Part 13 Loud Trick Gene with the Fake Slasho September 19 2003, 6:39 PM EXT. DARLING HARBOUR-DAY We see two cars drive and stop.]
Loud: WOW! THEY MUST BE EXPERT DRIVERS TO DRIVE THEMSELVES.
[There are lots of people walking around. INT. FIRST CAR-DAY Evil Burrows turns to Charity and shows the Belairiform in a metallic canister. Evil Burrows Fell like pleading for your life?]
Pule: (Evil Burrows) Well, too bad!
[Charity slaps Evil Burrows on the face. Evil Burrows Well then, how about dying, so you cake me a lot of money.]
Loud: WHAT, CHARITY OWN A BAKERY???
[Evil Burrows exits the car and turns back. He talks to Charity through the window. Evil Burrows In just a few hours time, you can be assured of going down in history as a typhoid miliaria of Oz. G'day.]
Pule: Sir, you got the wrong window.
[Evil Burrows leaves. EXT. BEACH & ROCKY AREA-DAY Froggo, Loud and TOast walk to the helicopter.]
Charity: Three's Company.
[Toast gives Loud a gun and loads it. Froggo There's not a chance of locating Charity, until I can access the satellite. And there's not a chance in doing that until]
Toast: Dish Network allows him to.
[I get this computer fixed and that's taking a while. How much time does she have left? Loud Not long. But whatever happens,]
Loud: DON'T SHOOT THE HORSE.
[Charity will take care of Charity.]
Charity: My evil twin, of course.
[Toast What do you mean? Loud If we don't get the Belairiform, Charity will kill herself.]
Toast: Naturally, Charity killing her evil twin would be killing herself.
[So, first things first.]
Pule: We all went.
[They pack their gear into the helicopter. INT. ROOM-BIOCYTE ISLAND BASE-DAY We see Daffy walk around the room impatiently.]
Pule: (Daffy) Why does my date always stood me up?
[EXT. STREET-DAY We see Evil Burrows and several others in three cars heading to the island base. We pan around to see Loud climbing a rock face.]
Charity: Especially the eyeballs. Grrr.
[Cut to Froggo and Toast. Froggo and Toast sitting in the helicopter.]
Toast: K-I-S-S-I-N..uh, darn! He ruined the rhythm, dude.
[The two look from afar with binoculars and other gear. EXT. BASE-DAY We see the cars enter the island base. Cut to Froggo and Toast.]
Loud: STOP GOING BACK. THEY HAVE NO EMOTIONS TO SHOW YOU.
[Toast Loud, Evil Burrows and his tam have arrived over the bridge and... Cut to Loud Toast(VO) ...Charity's not with him, mate!]
Toast: Which is good because she is never with him to begin with, dude.
[Loud Copy that! Loud continues climbing. Loud makes it to the top]
Pule: Top of the hill, ma!
[and peeps over the top. Toast(VO) You alright, mate? Looks like pretty heavy security from here.]
Charity: No, no it's not. Come on.
[What's it look like from there?]
Loud: A BAD MOVIE SET.
[Loud sees a guard walk by. Loud Risky! Loud gets up and runs up behind a guard. He does some martial arts moves on the guard, and in doing so, killing him.]
Charity: Jackie Chan is Loud Kiddington.
[Loud rolls the guard into the water.]
Pule: Him sleeps with the fishes.
[INT. ROOM-BASE-DAY Evil Burrows and his men enter the room. McCLOY turns around.]
Loud: BASICALLY, THAT GUY ISN'T THE REAL McCLOY.
[Vincent Morre II sets up a laptop. EXT. BASE-DAY Loud runs, and does a dive roll. He opens a grate, gets in and closes it. The guard turns around. INT. ROOM-DAY Evil Burrows places the Belairiform and a blood sample canisters on a table. Professor Chaos picks up the canisters.]
Toast: Dude, how did Butters's parents let him out?
[INT. HALLWAY-DAY We see a guard walk through the hallway. The camera pans up to see Loud. Loud drops, spins the guard with his legs]
Pule: He is one heck of an aerobat.
[and hits the guard in the chest. Pigeons begin to flap.]
Charity: (pigeon) I got to go back to Sesame Street. Now where is it?
[Loud drags the body. INT. ROOM ENTRANCE-DAY One of the guards is trying to contact another. GUARD Jones! Jones!]
Loud: WHERE'S MICHAEL WINSLOW?
[We see Loud drag the body into a separate room. Evil Burrows GUARD Stay here!]
Charity: (Evil Burrows) Or I'll kill you.
[The GUARD walks off and looks for him.]
Toast: Dude, Gene told him to stay there. The guards don't listen well, do they?
Loud: DO THEY EVER?
[INT. ROOM-DAY The Chaos opens the canisters and inserts them into a machine with a microscope. The CHaos verifies both with a computer.]
Pule: It's chicken soup!
[INT. HALLWAY-DAY Loud contacts Froggo via his ear piece.]
Pule: That is one heck of an earring.
[Loud Breaching structure, ten O'clock reading. Loud continues going forward. INT ROOM-DAY The computer beeps.]
Loud: MY PILLS ARE READY.
[Chaos It's a DNA match.]
Charity: It's not the cure.
[The blood's loaded with Chimera. The Chaos look through the scope and sees small amounts of Belairiform and the blood sample mixing. The computer beeps again. Chaos And they certainly have]
Toast: Mail.
[Belairiform. Daffy Well then, you've got the virus and the anti-virus, which means I've got thirty million for you. Evil Burrows Not exactly! We don't want just your cash. Daffy What do you want?]
Toast: (Evil Burrows) Your soul.
[Evil Burrows Stock, Mr. Dumas. Stock options to be a little more precise. Evil Burrows sits down in a chair.]
Loud: AND SAT DOWN ON A WHOOPIE CUSHION. FART!
[and makes a call on his mobile. Evil Burrow Cut her loose, right in the centre of town.]
Pule: Who? Nala?
[The more crowd, the better. Morre II smiles. INT. HALLWAY-DAY Loud continues through the base. Froggo(VO) Loud, just picked up an Evil Burrows call. Charity's been dropped off.]
[Loud Where is she? Froggo(VO) Somewhere in Sydney.]
Loud: OH DUH. THAT WAS A STUPID QUESTION.
[Loud sees a guard (Justin Lawson) and hides in a cell.]
Charity: He imprisoned himself. That was totally not smart.
[The guard goes by the cell entrance and Loud kicks Justin into the wall. He does more moves and kills the guards.]
All: (cheering) Yay!
Toast: Dude, he is resting now.
Loud: AND THAT WAS FOR THE CRAPPERS YOU PUT US IN!
[Loud Somewhere in Sydney? Gotta hardened target? Froggo(VO) I can't until I get the GPS up on our computer. It's still down.]
Toast: Like London Bridge.
[Loud The clock is ticking. Loud continues on. INT. ROOM-BASE-DAY Evil Burrows How quickly can you manufacture more of the anti-virus?]
Pule: Never.
[Daffy No time at all! Since I got it! Evil Burrows Good!]
Pule: Now die.
[BioCyte stock is just a few weeks away from going through the roof! Daffy What are you talking about? Evil Burrows An outbreak of Chimera. Daffy Where?]
Charity: In the digital world.
[Evil Burrows Down town Sydney, for a start. You create the supply, Daffy,]
Toast: They sell it.
[we've just created the demand. Three million people in Sydney and seventeen million people in Australia]
Loud: DON'T RECOMMEND THIS FILM.
[are going to need Belairiform within the next few days. Not to mention the rest of the world.]
Toast: And Iraq.
[Now, this is how it's going to work.]
Loud: SNORE!
[Morre II, shares are standing are... Morre II Ninety three point four million. Evil Burrows Which means, Mr. Dumas, we need to get our hands on 480,000 options.]
Charity: Wouldn't it take long to go through all of them?
[We'll borrow your thirty million to buy those options. Your stock has never sold above thirty-one dollars a share. When your stock goes north over two hundred,]
Pule: Call in Bruce Willis.
[which it will, those options will be worth billions and I will own fifty one percent of BioCyte. Daffy This is outrageous.]
Charity: So is this film.
[I will not let you take control of my company.]
Pule: Actually, Microsoft owns 55% of the company.
[Evil Burrows Sit down! Daffy sit downs. INT. HALLWAY-BASE-DAY Loud walks to the ROOM ENTRANCE. Birds fly out which catches a guard's attention. Loud hides. THe guard (King Koopa) investigates. Loud comes out, running. When he gets closer to the King,]
Loud: I ASK FOR ELVIS'S AUTOGRAPH.
[he does a somersault kick, which knocks the Koopa down.]
Toast: Dude, why didn't Koopa uses his fire? He is a Nintendo villain after all.
[He sees the entrance. Loud puts tape over the Koopa's mouth.]
Loud: WHAT'S THE TAPE FOR? IN CASE HE TALKS IN HIS SLEEP???
[INT. ROOM-BASE-DAY Evil Burrows You'll be a billionaire. It's better than being broke.]
Pule: And glue back together again.
[And I have terrorists and other pharmaceutical companies waiting in line.]
Toast: For the killing of Joel Schumacher movie.
[INT. ROOM ENTRANCE-BASE-DAY Loud walks slowly to the door. He stays a few feet away. INT. ROOM-BASE.DAY Evil Burrows The ball's in your court, Mr. Dumas!]
Charity: Take it outside.
[INT. ROOM ENTRANCE-BASE-DAY Loud pulls out a metallic tube from his pack]
Loud: OH NO. I AM GOING TO DRUG CHARLIE CHAPLIN.
Charity: About time.
[and throws it to the door. Cut to ROOM. Slasho sends two men to check it out.]
Charity: (Slasho) And be back before two.
[Cut to ROOM ENTRANCE. Loud pulls out a gun and is aimed at the tub. He sees the door open and fires two bullets the tub explodes five feet into the room. Loud holsters his gun.]
Toast: (Loud) Dude, what the heck did I do that for???
[Evil Burrows sees Loud walk by the room entrance. Evil Burrows Run that b**tard down! Slasho goes after him.]
Pule: He is running to the sales at Penny's!
[Evul Burrows pulls out his gun and scraps it along the table. Evil Burrows We're running out of time, Mr. Dumas! We've go to conclude our business. Evil Burrows cocks the hammer of his gun. Daffy Yes!]
Pule: (Daffy) I will marry you!
[(to Smithers) Start the transfer.]
Loud: AND TAKE THAT DRESS OFF.
[Wayion Smithers begins the transfer. Evil Burrows Follow him and let me know! Morre II nods. The Profestor replaces the canisters and places them on the table.]
Charity: How did he got off of Gilligan's Island?
[Cut to Froggo and Toast. Froggo is still trying to access the GPS, but the computer continues to fail.]
Toast: You know, we shouldn't have gotten Windows 99 from Bill Gates.
[Cut to HALLWAY. Slasho and others are searching for Loud. They go past. Loud is hiding above the cell entry with a bird name Pesto.]
Toast: (Pesto) That's it!
[They bird makes a noise. Slasho turns back and investigates. Loud attacks Slasho. Slasho points his gun at Loud. Slasho Raises your hands slowly.]
Pule: (Loud) Hey, I attacked first! That isn't fair!
[Loud Sure you want me to do this? Loud slowly pulls out a grenade. Slasho Raises your hands! Very slowly. Loud pulls the pin out of the grenade.]
Loud: IT'S A TOY GRENADE, HOWEVER...
[The two rise slowly. Loud shows the grenade, flicks the leaver and throws it between Slasho's legs. The two begin to fight with each other.]
Charity: Everybody's kung-fu fighting.
[The grenade goes off, destroying part of the base.]
Charity: Wow! They took out Ben Stiller!
[Cut to Froggo and Toast. Froggo Loud. Loud, do you copy? Cut to ROOM. Evil Burrows Keep it going!]
Toast: (Evil Burrows) My shows are on!
[Wayion Smithers continues the transfer. Evil Burrows gets a message from Slasho on a radio. Slasho(VO) Gene, this rat has reached the end of the maze.]
Pule: Who? The Brain?
[Evil Burrows Is he alive?]
Loud: WELL, NOW THAT YOU MENTIONED IT...
[Slasho Yep! More or less!]
Loud: LESS.
[Evil Burrows Bring him to me! Cut to Froggo and Toast. Froggo Go!]
Toast: Start the race, dude.
[Toast starts the chopper up. INT. ROOM-BASE-DAY Th screen shows the words "COMPLETE".]
Charity: (computer) You want now go to the next level.
[Smithers looks calm. Morre II gets up. Morre II Gene, transfer completed!]
Pule: Computer 1 nows became...Megaputer!
[Evil Burrows sees Slasho bring in Loud, who is tied up. Evil Burrows Well done, Slasho. Well done!]
Loud: (Evil Burrows) I WOULD GIVE YOU A RAISE, BUT I DON'T TRUST YOU.
[Evil Burrows kicks Loud. He falls to the ground. Evil Burrows shoots his leg and presses on it. Loud mumbles continuously. Evil Burrows Stop mumbling!]
Charity: (Evil Burrows) It got annoying for goodness's sakes.
[Slasho I'm afraid he has no choice. I believe I broke his jaw.]
Toast: With a jawbreaker.
[Evil Burrows Slasho, I'm impressed. (to Loud) Right, we don't have a lot of time so whatever you got to say,]
Pule: Save it later.
[say it now! How about a big smile?]
Pule: For uncle Bill.
[Loud continues to mumble. Evil Burrows No?! Daffy What are you doing? Evil Burrows points his gun at Daffy.]
Toast: (Evil Burrows) I am going to declare it Duck Season if you don't shut up!
[Evil Burrows Get down on your knees!]
Loud: (singing) AND HEARRRRRRRR....THE ANGELS' VOICES!
[We see the FAKE Slasho run off with both canisters. He places them in his jacket. Cut to ROOM. Evil Burrows turns to see that the canisters are gone.]
Loud: (Evil Burrows) Hey, where did the canisters go?
[Cut to HALLWAY. We see the FAKE Slasho rips off his maks to reveal Loud. He rips it off while running. Part 14 The Big Chase]
Toast: Will not be seen tonight.
[September 19 2003, 6:58 PM EXT.BASE-DAY We see Loud exit to the top of the base. Toast is flies in close to the island. Toast There he is!]
Charity: Or someone like him.
[Loud runs for the helicopter, Froggo put his arm out. The two are unable to reach. Suddenly a guard name (Judge Doom) comes out firing.]
Toast: Hey, how did he got out of the dip?
[Toast Loud!]
Pule: The judge is back!
[Froggo gets back into the chopper. Loud pulls out a gun, turns and fires at waste tanks. They explode and the guard (Judge Doom) dies.]
Charity: It takes mroe than explosives to kill that guy.
Loud: I KNOW, BUT THE DIRECTOR DIDN'T WANT TO GET CARRY AWAY.
[The chopper backs off. Loud Just back off and pin point our positions.]
Loud: UH, THERE ARE FOUR OF US, ONE OF US IS A TEENAGER, AND WE ARE IN THE MOVIE THEATER WATCHING THIS FILM.
[The chopper leaves. Another guard (T-1000) comes in and begins firing. Loud runs and does a side ways flip while firing. He kills the guard (T-1000).]
Charity: Looks like he is never going to kill John Connor now.
Pule: That would be nice.
[A motorcycle comes towards Loud. He gets out of the way, turns around and fires, killing the rider (Chopper Dad from Teamo Sapermo).]
Pule: Geez! They took out Chevy Chase!
[The rider falls. Another cycle comes towards him. THe biker jumps over him.]
Loud: YIKES! THAT THING HAS A MIND OF ITS OWN!
[Loud falls back wards and fires. The rider (Lobe) falls off the bike in mid-air and dies.]
Toast: Whoa! That would be the last time he plagues a Warner Bros. star.
[Loud reloads his gun and gets on one of the bikes.]
Loud: SO I CAN DIE TOO? ARE YOU NUTS?
[Evil Burrows and some of the guards enter into their cars. We see Loud and the chopper fly next to me. Loud Froggo, clear the bridge for me!]
Pule: (Loud) So I can jump over it!
[The chopper pulls back. Cut to Evil Burrows. We see Evil Burrows's men enter the cars. He talks on a radio.]
Toast: (Evil Burrows) Welcome to Radio Evil, serving your evil needs since the beginning of time.
[Evil Burrows Loud's headed for the bridge, coming in a twelve o'clock, hide!]
Charity: So he won't see the gifts we are giving him for his birthday!
[The helicopter heads towards the bridge. A car comes by and begins to fire at the chopper. Froggo Oh! I'm mad now!]
Loud: HE WOULD NEVER GET TO LOVING AKA IN THIS STATE.
[Froggo loads a grenade launcher and fires. THe car is still moving and partially on fire.]
Charity: Satan is in there.
[Loud rides the bike over a concrete structure. The same car fires back. Loud jumps and lands on the bridge. Froggo fires another grenade and the car explodes. Loud rides through the flames.]
Toast: I do hope he is wearing his flame proof jacket.
[The wreck falls into the water. Toast laughs. The chopper leaves. Loud rides on. Evil Burrows's convoy]
All: (singing) We are the mighty convoy...
[crashes through the gates.]
Pule: (driver) You didn't say "brakes, please".
[Evil Burrows rides on the other bike. A car is on the road, the chopper flies beside it. Froggo aims his rifle. The driver shoots. Froggo falls back. THe chopper falls back. Toast All you alright, mate?]
Pule: (Froggo sarcastic) No, I liked being shot at, you doorknob!
[Froggo That punk put a hole in my Versaci. Loud pulls out a gun. A guy (Moe Zilack) and sticks out a car with a gun.]
Charity: (Moe) This is for the prank phone calls, you freak!
[Loud fires first, the guy fires back. Loud hits the guy and he gets back into the car.]
Loud: (Moe) I THINK I WOULD BE SAFE IN HERE.
[Loud shoots the tyre. The driver (Baloney the dinsoure) loses control.]
Toast: Dude, he keeps annoying and annoying some people.
[Loud does a front wheel wheelie in front of the car. Loud swings round and fires at the car. The car explodes.]
Toast: Folks, never ask a dinosaur to drive your car.
[Loud sees a four wheel drive and rides off. Evil Burrows follows him. Loud is now pursued by the 4WD on a suburban street.]
Loud: WHATEVER THAT IS.
[Cut to CHOPPER. Froggo'S computer finally gets working and sees Charity on the map.]
Charity: Oh, now they it does.
[Froggo Loud, the compuer's up.]
Charity: (Froggo) Oops, now it's down again. (chuckling)
[I've got Charity, she's moved out of the city.]
Toast: Into the country, dude.
[She's on the north head block, approaching th ecliffs, but I can't get a visual. Cut to Loud. Loud Help me!]
Pule: (Froggo) No!
[She's only got a little time left. Track ahead and pick her up. A car suddenly joins the pursuit. They try to fire. Loud weaves between the bullets. SHOOTER (Mojo Jojo) I can't get a good shot!]
Loud: (Mojo) And I can't be shutting up. I go on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and...
[Cut to CHOPPER. Froggo We won't be able to cover you.]
Loud: SO?
[Cut to Loud. Loud My earpiece is failing. You got me on GPS. Bring her to me.]
Toast: And some jerky while you're at it.
[Loud takes out and throws away the earpiece. The 4WD suddenly goes off road into the bush area.]
Charity: Does the president minds?
[Cut to CHOPPER. Froggo Toast, north head block. Haul a**!]
Pule: Granted, but I think they should go saved the girl.
[The chopper changes direction. Cut to CLIFFS. Charity stumbles her way to the cliffs. Cut to BIKE CHASE. The shooters come out gain. Loud sees a semi trailer ahead.]
Loud: THE MOVIE IS GETTING INTERRUPTED?
Toast: Dude, let's hope so.
[He burns the back wheel, making smoke.]
Charity: No bong jokes, you guys.
[The msoke gets in the car's way. Morre II G** d*** it! Keep firing! SHOOTER (Fuzzy Lumpins) I can't see anything!]
Toast: (Fuzzy) Probably because I am dumber than a bag of...of...what is it again?
[Loud stops burning the wheel and rides on. The car comes out of the smoke and the semi-trailer crashes the car and explodes. The semi trailer drives on.]
Pule: Great. This is going to take forever.
[The 4WD comes back onto the road. The 4WD follows Loud. The 4WD rams him from behind. Loud turns and slides the bike, pulls out a gun and fires at the 4WD. THe 4WD loses control and crashes into some parked cars and explodes.]
Pule: They are so dumb that they got hitted by parked cars.
[Evil Burrows is on the other bike and he rides towards Loud and begins firing. Loud gets off the bike and he rides along side it. Evil Burrows rides by and fires at the same time. Loud gets back onto the bike. Evil Burrows turns around and begins chasing him. Loud weaves around moving cars, in and out.]
Toast: Back and forth.
[Evil Burrows fires, only getting the rear light. Loud sees Evil Burrows in his mirror and fires behind hi. Loud weaves more.]
Charity: What's with all the weaving anyway?
[Evil Burrows replies with gunfire. They continue to ride. Cut to CHOPPER. The chopper is in the city. The computer screen comes up with Charity's location. Froggo Range is two kay.]
Loud: M'KAY?
[Cut to CLIFFS. Charity walks close and closer to the cliffs. She stands only a foot away from the edge. Cut to BIKE CHASE. Evil Burrows fires again, Loud goes through a bush.]
Toast: Dude, this is no time for the band Bush.
Pule: Anytime is right for the band bush.
[Evil Burrows fires and hits Loud's petrol tank and begins leaking.]
Loud: SOMEONE CALL A PLUMBER!
[Loud loses control and slides into a rusting old car.]
Charity: Grandpa is using it right now.
[Loud gets the bike back up and continues riding.]
Pule: Just riding.
[Evil Burrows follows him. The two ride into a secluded beachy area.]
Charity: Baywatch is being filmed.
Loud: ISN'T IT CANCELED?
[Evil Burrows rides over Loud. Loud slides the bike and Evil Burrows lands. The two turn their bikes and face each other.]
Pule: This is a Back to the Future moment right here.
[The two accelerate their bikes and both do wheelies.]
All: Eew!
[Loud's tank continues t leak. The two jumps off their bikes in mid-air,]
Loud: AND LAND ON DIFFERENT BIKES. WE'RE FUNNY THAT WAY.
[catch each other and fall to the ground. The bikes explode.]
Toast: Dude, some bikes got blow up somewhere I guess.
[The two fall to the lower part of the beachy area. a gun comes loose and drops into the sand. The waves crash.]
Loud: OH YEAH. I REMEMBER THIS SCENE. THIS IS A GREAT SCENE.
Pule: From before?
Loud: YEAH...
[Part 15 end]
Pule: Already!!!!
[Loud and Gene Fight, Loud Save Charity and the ending.]
Charity: Afraid that won't happen.
[September 19 2003, 7:08 PM Cut to LOWER BEACHY AREA. Evil Burrows slowly gets up but Loud kicks him down.]
Toast: (Loud) I want ya to feel the sand, Gene pal!
[Evil Burrows sees a gun and foes for it but Loud kicks it away]
Loud: THE LIFEGUARD DON'T LIKE GUNS, YOU KNOW.
[and kicks him in the head. The two continue to fight, using martial arts and plain old street fighting.]
Charity: Mortal Kombat and Street Fighter meets Mission Impossible 2 with a vengeance.
[Cut to CLIFFS. Charity is still loose to the edge of the cliff. She closes her eyes and breathes slowly.]
Toast: Poor girl. She thinks if she doesn't see the movie, the movie won't see her.
[Cut to BEACHY AREA. Loud looks as if he is losing the fight. But comes back and tackles Evil Burrows to the ground. They continue to fight. Evil Burrows pulls out a knife and slashes Loud's face.]
Pule: He's trying to be Gene the Ripper.
[Evil Burrows then slashes Loud's back and kicks him to the ground. Evil Burrows goes in with knife and misses Loud's eye by a few millimetres.]
Pule: What is he? A plastic surgeon?
[Loud knocks the knife and rolls away. He gets up with the knife. Evil Burrows also stands up. Evil Burrows Go ahead!]
Loud: (Evil Burrows) MAKE MY DAY.
[Use it, Hunt! Not a bad way to go! It's a lot better than that b***h is going to die! The shot intercuts between Loud and Charity at the cliffs and when she injected herself. The shot cuts back to Loud.]
Charity: (Loud) Huh. I wondered where those flashbacks keep coming from?
[Loud throws the knife between Evil Burrows's feet]
Toast: (Evil Burrows) Ouch! You cut my toe!!!!!!
[and continues the fight. Loud does some impressive kicks. More waves crash. Cut to NORTH HEAD.]
Toast: So dude. Where's the south, east, and west heads?
[The chopper flies over the North Head, above the cliffs. Toast Hey! There she is!]
Pule: (Toast) Oops. False alarm. Only Bjork.
[Charity is about to jump the cliff. She hears and sees the chopper I the air. The chopper lands on the cliff.]
Loud: OUCH, OUCH! YOU CUT, YOU TUBES!
[Cut to BEACHY AREA. Evil Burrows picks up a gun but Loud knocks him down. Loud does more impressive kicks. Cut to CHOPPER. The chopper heads its way to the beachy area.]
All: (hums the M*A*S*H theme)
[Cut to BEACHY AREA. Loud does some more impressive kicks and Evil Burrows falls to the ground. Wave crash. Loud gets up. He goes up to Evil Burrows and thinks about finishing him off,]
Charity: Do it, do it!
[but doesn't.]
Charity: Darn!
Loud: MAYBE LATER, SWEETIE.
Charity: Okay.
[the chopper lands. Loud grabs the canisters from the jacket. Froggo exits the chopper.]
Pule: (Froggo) Man, I gotta get away from Toast. All he does is talk, talk, talk!
Toast: Hey!
[Loud walks up to Froggo. The two stop feet away. Froggo looks worried. Evil Burrows has a gun and seems to want to go on with the fight.]
Toast: Dude, rule of the thumb. It's not a good idea to look down a barrel of a gun!
[Evil Burrows Loud! (laughs) You should've killed me!]
Loud: FOR THAT, I WILL.
[Loud notices a gun in the sand. He passes the Belairiform canister to Froggo, kicks the gun, the gun jumps, he catches it, and turns. Evil Burrows fires and misses. Loud falls to the ground and fires off the gun. Evil Burrows dies.]
Toast: He shoulda done this three movies ago!
[Froggo injects the Belairiform into Charity.]
Pule: Oh no. He got laundry bleach by mistake!
[Loud walks to the chopper and looks at Charity.]
Charity: Thanks for killing him, dear.
Loud: YOU'RE WELCOME.
(The two blah, blah, blah.)
[INT. MUSEUM-DAY Loud and Farther Time are in a room with the wall covered in artwork.]
Loud: IT BELONGS IN A MUSEUM!
[Farther Time Miss Bazaar's blood it appears, has absolutely no elements of the Chimera virus, not even antibodies.]
Charity: Anybody what?
[Loud I gathered as much. Farther Time But you were under specific instructions, Mr. Kiddington, to bring back a living sample of the Chimera virus.]
Toast: (Father Time) So you're fired.
[I'll be very interested to know how, after you managed it's recovery, it subsequently got destroyed. Loud By fire. It's the best way, really!]
Pule: That and the cure.
[Farther Time Ohhh!]
Pule: (Father Time) I don't get it. (giggling)_
[Well Mr. Kiddington, as for Miss Bazaar and enlight of her efforts,]
Toast: Nothing happens.
[her criminal record will be rexpunged, wiped out.]
Loud: DESTROYED EVEN.
[I'm assuming you approve? Loud I do. Farther Time Where is she now by the way? Any ideas?]
Charity: None of your business, jerk!
[Loud I don't know. Not exactly. EXT. PAKR-DAY We see kids playing and adults just talking in the park with others.]
Toast: Dude, I remembered this from "Casey At The Bat".
[Farther Time(VO) So, what are your plans? Loud(VO) I don't know. Some sought of vacation. I'll let you know where I'm going.]
Loud: SO I WON'T ANSWER YOU WHEN THE PHONE RINGS.
[Farther Time(VO) Don't have to do that, it wouldn't be a vacation if you did. Charity and Loud see each other in the park. They walk to each other and kiss. Loud Let's get out.]
Charity: We are lost...in our minds. Not a single thought.
[Loud and Charity walk through the park. The camera panks back to see the park, the harbour bridge and the opera house. FADE OUT: END CREDITS Charles Hay Jussonic]
Pule: (Charles) I stole your pants. Ha ha ha ha!
[it Finshens and I am going to put it in Fan Ficiton. net one day well you can read it and tell me how you like it]
All: Bad!
[and Loud and Charity kiss at the end.]
Loud: THAT'S THE ONLY THING GOOD ABOUT THIS MOVIE.
Charity: The kissing.
Loud: THAT AND THE LEAVING. LET'S BLOW THIS JOINT.
(The Histerians got up and left the theater. We go through the door sequence again and return to the main room. The Histerians are there preparing to read today's letter.)
Pule: Hey guys. Is it that there is a virus called Chimera?
Charity: No, it was made up for the movie and looks riddance.
Toast: Yeah, but won't it be cool if there is a virus that kills people?
Loud: NOT REALLY. TIME TO READ TODAY'S LETTER. (clears throat) It says "Dear Loud and company, I really enjoyed your show. I been watching it since they shown 24 Hours. Are you going to see 24 Days someday? Signed, I.M. Hugh."
Pule: 24 Days? What's that? Is it like the stupid butt film Justin made?
Charity: Goodness, I hope not.
Toast: More uglier than the Chimera virus. (The Mad sign flashes) What do you dudes think?
(Cut back to Base 13 with Stalin and Froggo. Stalin looks interesting.)
Stalin: A virus that kills people. What an interesting idea! (pulls out vial) Oh, Froggo.
Froggo: (rolls eyes) Oy vey. Here we go again.
(Froggo pushes the button and we fade to black. We now go through the credits as the story comes to an end. We can also hear the end music as well.)
The End
CREDITS
directed by: JUSSONIC
produced by: JUSSONIC
written by: JUSSONIC
board owned by: NORUNG
featuring
toast: TRESS MACNEILLE
charity bazaar: LARAINE NEWMAN
loud kiddington: CODY RUEGGER
pule houser: FRANK WELKER
also featuring
tv's froggo: NATHAN RUEGGER
joseph stalin: MAURICE LAMARCHE
Stinger
Loud:
D***, you're beautiful.
Charity
That's because I'm on my back.
Quick as cat, Loud flips Charity over so she's looking down at him.
Loud
I don't think so.
She sinks into his arms.
*********
So far, so good despite how long the story is. Read and review this fine piece of work, okay?