First off, I liked to give a special shoutout to Robert for allowing me to use some sketches from his past HNL "episodes" for this Best Of and for helping me out since the year 2001 (or it is 2002?)
******************
{Opens on a blue screen with the Presidential logo on it}
Voice:{Sounding like Don Pardo}And now a message from the President of the United States, George W Bush.
{Fade to the Oval Office where none other than Father Time is dressed as Bush, the Bush wig seems to have covered up the hair he had on top, but it appears plenty of makeup was done to hide his facial hair}
Father Time:{Impersonating Bush}Good evening, my fellow Americans. Tonight I come before you to announce a new plan of taxitude. Now before you turn off the televisioner, let me remind you that after all the exciting stuff, the election, the spy plane, the canceled TV show about me, the boring stuff has to take over.{Just then a tuft of white hair pops out under the left side of his chin. Father Time then tucks it back under the makeup on it and continues without a hitch}Now, I already spent half of my one year term worrying about that stuff, so I have to bundle down for the long U-Haul if I'm gonna do what my daddy did, start a super size execution with that mean Saddam guy.{Just then white hair pops out from the right side of his chin. Again Father Time tucks it back under the makeup covering it}Now, as for the taxitude plan, it will involve..
{Just then all the makeup on the bottom of Father Time's face falls out and his long beard pops out}
Voice: Cut, cut!{Sammy Melman comes out}How many times did I tell you F.T, this is the consequences of not shaving that thing off and giving our makeup guys an impossible job! Besides, that beard could make quite a killing on E-Bay since it's so old.
Father Time: Well, why is this sketch even here, there's no new tax plan to spoof, we just made that up! There's nothing interesting going down there anymore, why lie about it?
Sammy: We have to stick to the blueprints of...that show we're making fun of.
Father Time: Wasn't planning to do that the reason why they almost made you bankrupt?
Sammy: I told you not to bring back awful memories! Now, if you watched that show, you'd find out that last season, almost every single cold opening they did was of Bush and politics, and those sketches made them hot again. If you're going to follow a formula, follow a winner, I always say.
Father Time: Unless that formula was of events that happened a few months too early for us.
Sammy: Do I look like someone responsible for that, I don't live in that city, I just helped save it! Now bring in the next guy!{Fade back to the Presidential logo}
Voice: And now a message from the President of the United States, George W Bush.
{Back on the Oval Office set, we now see Chit Chatterson in Bush makeup, however, unlike Father Time, he's not even trying to impersonate him}
Chit: Hello fellow Americans! Are you tired of dreaming that you'll win the lottery and then be stripped out of half the money you won by taxes? Are you sick of shows that give away a million dollars and yet only lets you keep $500,000 of it, making its name a joke? Are you fed up with all the other stuff that has to do with that t-word? Then come on down to the White House where{yells}CRAZY GEORGE!{normal}will give you all the tailbreaks you want! Why? There's no other reason except that...I'M CRAZY!!
Sammy:{Entering the scene}Cut! Okay, I can forgive you for not sticking to the script, that improv stuff seems to work well on that network that has the first three letters in it's name, and for reusing an old bit, but that would be easier if you actually sounded like the so called President!
Chit: But that guy who made fun of the guy that fell down a lot didn't sound like him and he got a lot more than 15 minutes of fame.
Sammy: That's Chevy Chase, and you're...not in this bit anymore! Next guy!
Voice: And now a message from the President of the United States, George W Bush.{Bill Straitman now comes on in Bush makeup}
Bill: Okay, we already got through the Bush is an idiot jokes, can we just go ahead with the tax stuff? Okay.{Speaks like Bush}Now, as for the taxitude plan, it will involve cuts for the middle class, cuts for the small class, cuts for extra large class, and cuts for those old ladies that had the blindness to not actually vote for Mr Bore.
{Suddenly a door knock is heard}
Bill:{Still in the Bush voice}Oh, someone's at the door, it must be my daddy's friends coming to tell me how to run things again.{Whispers to Sammy}Is this part of it?
Sammy: Answer the door anyway, maybe it'll help us.
Bill: Okay, I won't know who's come a-knocking if I don't open the door, my favorite was always that Morrson guy though.
{Bill opens the door to see none other than W.O.W dressed like Laura Bush}
W.O.W: Hi honey, you done with your little address cause I'd like to have lots of Presidential fun now, if you catch my drift.{Bill quickly closes the door}
Bill: Okay, I told you this would happen, but you wouldn't listen, so now I have to save myself by leaving and getting those restrainment papers finished up.{Bill runs away}
Sammy: Okay drastic measures time is here, get the last one out!
Voice: And now a message from the President of the United States, George W Bush.
{None other than Loud Kiddington is seen sitting behind the desk now, but he does not look like Bush as a kid, somehow they made him look like an adult with the same height as one, only the face tells us that it's Loud}
Loud:{In a Bush voice of course}Now where were we, fellow Americans, I was too busy reliving my wild and crazy nights back in the day. Oh right, the tax cuts? I don't know where the papers for that stuff is, the guys that say they run the country instead of me never tell me where these things are. I'll find them though, even though they say I'm the President by name only, I...{He can't finish as he falls down while trying to get up}CUT! I CAN'T GET UP IN THIS THING!
{Sammy comes over and helps Loud up}
Loud: DO YOU REALLY EXPECT ME TO WALK IN THIS SUIT THING, I'M ONLY GONNA DO THIS ONCE TO PROVE IT CAN'T BE DONE!
{Loud trys to walk but falls down immediately. After Sammy helps him up, he unbuttons his shirt to reveal that he is standing on stilts. He jumps onto the ground in his normal form}
Sammy: Okay, perhaps that wasn't my best idea, but we ran out of adult males in this cast, what else could I do?
Loud: Well Mr bought himself a deal to be a featured player on his own show, maybe you should give it a whirl.
Sammy: Come on, I direct impersonations, I don't think I can actually do them.{Father Time, Chit, and Bill then walk in}
Chit: Oh, so it's not okay for me not to sound like him but our boss can do that and it's fine, is that the message you're selling, Loudie boy?
Father Time: That makeup you gave me itches like the Charles Dickens, can we discuss that during the credits?
Bill: When you're done, could you get some brainless hunk in here before "Laura" comes back?{Everyone starts talking and arguing at once}
Voice: Oh brother, Lorne was so worried over nothing that it's funnier than anything you guys have said.
{The owner of that voice comes into view: it's Saturday Night Live member and Bush impressionist Will Ferrell. The studio audience gives him a big round of applause}
Sammy: Oh come on, I thought I finished my problems with you guys! Well, at least they sent someone other than that bizzare Kattan guy, though I did kind of like that Mango guy he played.
Ferrell: Before you give your bossy censor lady a chance to come out here, let me tell you that you guys are the ultimate example of the phrase, "If you want something done right,{talks in his Bush voice}you've got to do it to it yourself"{The audience applaudes again}
Chit: Hey, I'm glad you're here, you don't sound like the real Bush, so as a fellow bad impressionist you can stand up for me and get me back on there, plus I can really help your movie career take off with my special wheeling and double dealing. And further more...
Ferrell: Hold it, before you go on, let me remind you of something else I did on my show.{Starts dancing like a cheerleader}We are the mighty Spartans, we're quite a little bunch. Go check us out after you recover from this punch!{He throws his right arm back which results in him hitting Chit. He tumbles onto the desk and then falls behind it}
Sammy: If I had a nickel for every time I saw Chit go through that I'd be ever richer than I am now. Well, I guess we'd better actually start the show now.
Ferrell: Allow me. Live from...
Loud: HOLD ON, SHOULDN'T SOMEONE ACTUALLY ON THIS SHOW AND NOT FROM THE OTHER SHOW GET TO SAY THAT?!
Father Time: I'll do it, since I did play Bush better than any of you guys.
Bill: No, you only went through makeup, I went through the only one older than you during this bit, so I deserve it.
Loud: You know I am the only one who couldn't actually walk, so that gives me a leg up on all of you. LIVE FROM...
Chit:{Standing up in pain}Hey, victim of a cruel joke who needs a break over here that doesn't involve the breaking of a face over here.
Sammy: Apparently you forgot who gives you your paychecks gentlemen, and I use that as loosely as possible.
{The cast members continue arguing for quite a while. Ferrell starts to talk as they do}
Ferrell: Okay, now as I was saying, this is not going to catch on as much as the phrase I always get to say as the President, but like I said{points over to the angry cast members}If you want something done, you have to do it...LIVE FROM BURBANK, IT'S HISTERIA NIGHT!!
{Now the SNL spoofed title shots from "Writers of the Purple Prose" "Inventors Hall of Fame, Part II" and a few other episodes start to play. The Don Pardo-esque voice speaks}
Voice: It's "The Best of Histeria Night Live!{Pictures of the people are shown as they are named}With Aka Pella. Big Fat Baby. Bill Straitman. Charity Bazaar. Cho-Cho. Father Time. Froggo. Loud Kiddington. Lucky Bob. Miss Information. Pepper Mills. Toast. World's Oldest Woman. Featuring Chit Chatterson. Sammy Melman. The Histeria band.
{With the introductions, we fade out since this is one of those "Best of..." episodes}
****************
TOTAL JERK BUS TOURS
{Opens with a clip of a bus driving down a road}
Voice: This concludes the safest part of your trip, the road to the bus station. So now's the time when you get off and say good bye to the services of Total Jerk Bus Tours. Now new and improved with former airplane attendants who are anxious to prove to you just why they didn't make it over there and resorted to using their talents here for their enjoyment and your annoyance. So don't blame us for not warning you as you figure out the true nature of the name that is Total Jerk Bus Tours.
{Fade to the inside of a bus as people are walking out. Next to the door of the bus are Spade and the World's Oldest Woman, their roles in this sketch should be obvious for those who know about Spade}
Spade:{Talking as people pass by}Okay, so long, so
long, so long, so long.{Lucky Bob stops in front of him}
Lucky Bob: Hi oh! Pull my finger.
Spade: You know, in times like this I like to sing songs. I like this one most of all. A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-K-L-M{Clears his throat}N-O!! All right, education's over, so long!{Next to him, Charity is talking to WOW}
Charity: You know, I asked for custards several times and you never gave them to me. Do you like lying around leaving people hanging like that or is it just a hobby?
WOW: Good question, but maybe you should have fast forward it to the part where I care! So long, hungry girl!
Spade: So long, so long.{Lydia comes up}
Lydia: I just want to say that this is the absolute worst service I have ever seen and you should be ashamed of yourself!
Spade: Who's more shameful, the fool or the fool that spends too much of her time making useless criticism? Think about it, but do so somewhere else right now, so long!
Lydia: You know, it's unfortunate that material like this would make you popular on television.
WOW: You're right, I even came up with a theme song for us.
Lydia: If it has the words so long in them, I'll do something unpleasant. So I'll leave right now.{She does}
Spade: Ha, good one!
WOW: It wouldn't have been if she stayed around, I was really drawing a blank on that one!
Spade: Easy there, we still got a lot of so longs to go.{Loud comes up}
Loud: HEY MEAN GUY!!{Spade jumps}
Spade: Ooh, well, now I see there are just some so longs you can't wait to make.
Loud: FOR ME I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL YOU HELP ME FIND THE LUGGAGE I LOST!
Spade: I know where it is. It's right on the corner of so and long, maybe if you hurry on out of here you can get it in time!
Loud: IN CASE THIS DIDN'T GET THROUGH TO YOU IN THE MONOLOGUE, YOU'RE A REAL GROUCH!{He leaves}
Spade: Thanks, I'll be sure to relay that story during the trip to the ear doctor you gave me an excuse to have!{Froggo comes up}
Froggo: Do you have....
WOW:{Interrupting}Shuush! If I said no to your other stuff the first 5 times, what makes you think 6 will be any different?
Froggo: Because I'm so sure you'll say yes to the question of do you have to say so long so often that it becomes annoying?
WOW: Um, well....{she stops as she sees Froggo being blown back a bit}
Froggo: Gee, the wind picked up all of a sudden.{Now his hat is blown off his head and flies out of the bus}Hey, come back here, trademark hat!
{He runs out and as he does, we see behind where he once was, Spade is standing next to a fan on maximum power. He then turns it off}
WOW: Phew, nice save there.
Spade: You can thank me some more after these other idiots go away, and thanks to this other old timer, that'll take a while, won't it?{Father Time walks up slowly}
Father Time:{Weakly}I asked for aspirin to heal my back, and you insulting, unfunny people never got it!
WOW: Are you Ebert, Roper, Shalet, or some other critic? If you're not, then you have no right to call us unfunny, which earns us the right to say as revenge...
Father Time: So long, I know!
Spade: No, actually it's more along the lines of so long, say hello to the big G when you get your other foot in the grave. Toodles!{Father Time then storms out as it appears the line of people exiting is nearing a end}
WOW: So long, so long, so long, and....hello!
{She is reacting to the fact that the last person in the line is none other than Lorne Michaels, well, actually it's Sammy dressed as him}
Sammy:{Impersonating Lorne}Hello, funny people.
Spade:{Overwhemled}Mr, Mr Michaels sir, oh my gosh! I am a fan, I must say.
Sammy: Of course you are, my show has enough of them to make me judge that. I was watching you and I have to say that you guys' material would be great for my show.
WOW: Please tell me this isn't just the most beautiful dream of my life next to the one with me and Ben Affleck.
Sammy: I won't, because I'll be too busy telling you that your one note, sly, sarcastic tongue lashings would be a big hit on television. Hey, in 3 years you'll probably get your own movie, I do that even though they always endlessly tell me to stop.
Spade: Heh, well well, you know what I say about that offer? Bus driver, your time with us has gone buh bye, so we say our last so long not on TV to you! Whoo hoo!{Spade runs out still cheering}
Sammy: Now him I really like.
WOW: I don't know, he's the guy you either like or hate, I however am far more easier to determine, get my drift?
Sammy: Um, I'll just take your word for it.{FTB}
*******************************************************
CELEBRITY CONFUSIUS GROUP
{Fade in to the Confusius Group panel}
Annoucer: From whatever studio this is in, it's the Celebrity Confusius Group, an unrehearsed discussion of current issues, only this time we have celebrities discussing them. And here they are.
{The darkened stage lights up as we now see the celbs as they are introduced}
Annoucer: First, the co-star of "Monty Python's Flying Circus" that isn't in every other sketch tonight, Eric Idle. Second, the star of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show", co-star of several movies, frequent voice actor of villians, and part time singer, Tim Curry. Next, another star of Rocky Horror, who also was in a little known sequel and....whatever else we don't know, Richard O'Brien. And finally, voice actor, voice over in car commercials, and co-star of "Time Bandits", "The Man With Two Brains", and "Titanic", David Warner. And now, the moderator, Confusius.
{A gong is heard as we pan to Confusius in his chair}
Confusius: Issue no.1, we always discuss philosophy issues around here, but tonight we're throwing them out the window like incriminating evidence, which guys from a company starting with the letter E didn't do good enough. Why the selling out and changing of meaningful issues to pointless ones{fast}Eric Idle!
Eric Idle: Well, um, stay of execution from rating starved execs? If that's true, be glad you don't live in Britain where you only got 20 episodes to do anything no matter how much of a cult fave you-
Confusius: Tim Curry!
Tim Curry: Hold on, I thought the joke of this thing was you only let him have 2 seconds to talk, he had 5, and-
Confusius: Richard O'Brien!
Richard O'Brien: Well, if you're the star here, shouldn't they tell you why they're changing things, so why are you asking us?
Confusius: David Warner!
David Warner: I don't watch your show, so I have no clue what you're talking abo-
Confusius: Wrong! You had to research this show and you watched it for 3 hours on end!
Warner: Hopefully I won't regret it. So what was the answer to the issue thing any-
Confusius: Issue 2! March Madness is almost here, who's gonna challenge the Dukies, Eric Idleness?
Idle: Um, if you want me to actually participate in this, could you actually ask something I could an-
Confusius: Tim Curry on a stick!
Curry: Sorry, I'm more of a voice guy than a sports gu-
Confusius: Richard "1984" O'Brien!
O'Brien: Well at least I'm being asked something different other than a Rocky Horror question, though that's all I'm known fo-
Confusius: Davey!
Warner: Hey, how come those guys all got the clever name changes?
Confusius: Wrong! Those were half witted at best, next issue! Why aren't any of you hosting tonight's show, what does John Cleese hold over you, Eric Eric Bo Berek!
Idle: I guess he's more popular. I mean he has done more than any of us although I can sing a lot better than he ca-
Confusius: Wrong! I don't know what you're wrong about, but it's something. Tiny Tim!
Curry: They really should have chosen me, I mean they should compensate me for not suing when they used my voice without permission for those "fanfics"
Confusius: Wrong, you let them use it because you're a glory hog! Richie Rich!
O'Brien: I don't know, though I would like to talk to them about having that good child actor who played my role not getting that girl, he was go-
Confusius: Wrong, you wanted him better off cause the ensuing scandel would give you some fame for the first time outside of a midnight theater!
O'Brien: I'll have you know that's a more powerful position than you think, those fans are strong in numbers.
Confusius: Wrong on the first part! Yakko!
Warner: Oh come on, that name didn't make any sense!
Confusius: Trust me, we just gained a whole lot of Animanaics fans to our side with that one. Issue 4!
Warner: Wait, didn't you want to hear my answer to John's hosting?
Confusius: Wrong!
Warner: Oh I hope no one was dumb enough not to see that coming.
Confusius: Issue 4, why didn't we do this last time when the guy most famous for impersinating that McLaughlin guy was here, Monty!
Idle: Because they wanted to be less gratitous?
Confusius: Wrong, they ruined that chance the minute that Spade guy walked in! Tim "Adolf" Curry!
Curry: Do you actually want us to answer these questions or just react to those bad nicknames?
Confusius: As long as it increases ratings in order to get those execs off my back, it's the first one, so get comfy! Rich, hold the Riff Raff!
O'Brien: Are we ever going to get some good scenes of our own in this- oh, wrong, right?
Confusius: Wrong! Oh wait, that was right, sorry. Let's ignore that out of character line and go to David, the man with one brain!
Warner: Okay, this is really stupid! These other three are used to being in over the top sketches and features, but I don't like this humilation! This is shamless, stupid stuff and I value my dignity too much to be in this!
Confusius: Value your dignity? You wouldn't say that if you saw yourself in "Tron"! Issue 5, why are you here? Idle hands!
Idle: They turned us down as hosts and John got us this guest spot.
Confusius: What? How am I supposed to keep us my now trademark act when you tell the truth?!
Curry: Well, I personally would like to get out of here, I have a singing spot to get ready for.
Confusius: Oh thank you, now we have a new issue! Why did he get more screen time than all of you?
O'Brien: I'd like to know that myself, I mean I did do just as much singing in that movie we were in and I was somewhat of a good guy. And I didn't have a murdering dictator spoof me later.
Curry: He was trying to broaden his horizons! At least that what he said when he wasn't laughing while trying to get my permission for letting him do my role. And I feel honored that my role was chosen for him to do that, the first part I mean.
O'Brien: Oh, that's only because you've been busy, us people not as active can be just as good, you know!
Idle: Hey, if you kill each other in the arguement that's gonna happen later, can I fill in as music guy? Did you see our Meaning of Life movie, I sang all the songs in that and quite nicely too. Here, I'll sing the "Every Sperm is Sacred" song to prove it to-{he is cut off as the front of a fake, but large hammer, hits him in the head and he falls}
Confusius: Thank you censor lady. Issue 6, or was that 7?{Another gong is heard}Well, we'll answer that next time because we're out of time this time.
Warner: Not with us, you won't. Let's go boys, our embarassment is over and done with.
O'Brien: But unfortunatly for poor Tim, the stigma of starring in "Charlie's Angels" still hasn't died down.
Curry: You just said that because you couldn't think of anything better to say.
O'Brien: Great, out of work and predictable too.
Confusius: Fine, but next time will be most unpredictable as we ask where all my philosopher friends went to, and do they hold any grudges against me that I should hire a bodyguard over? Bye bye!
{Confusius waves good bye as the celbs drag Idle off and head off stage, where Cleese is waiting for them}
Cleese: Oh that was great, I knew you guys were perfect for this!
Warner: Some way to appease us for being snubbed John, that was the biggest waste of an all star cast since "John Q"!
Curry: Um, maybe you should have chosen something less new to get a bigger impact of how awful this was!
Idle:{Dazed}Bring out your dead! Nudge nudge, say no more!
Cleese: Um, okay Eric, could the rest of you not referencing your past work to the ground wait to get me after the show, I still have some work to do.
O'Brien: You sure you don't want an easy way out of this? But then again, this show is doing enough bad self loathing without me following up on it, so it's back to the background for me. Come on boys, let's amscray.
{The other celebs leave as Confusius comes up to Cleese}
Confusius: That was the worse, most stupid drivel I have ever-
Cleese: Um, they're gone now, so you can stop trying to agree with them so they can't use their Hollywood connections to run you out of town for disagreeing with them.
Confusius: Thank goodness, I had too much fun to carry on the ruse! But let's go to the next bit before we ruin it by being too good.
Cleese:{Uneasy}Yes, too good, that's hardly a lie.{FTB}
****************************************
HISTORICAL JEOPARDY
Announce: from Burbank California, it's Historical Jeopardy! And here's your host, Alex Trebek!{We go to the Jeopardy set where there are three constestants, but not Alex Trebek}I said, here's your host, Alex Trebek!{Pause}Where is that mustacheless freak?!
[We now see the contestants are Nikola Tesla, King Romulus, and Pule}
Pule: Hey, where's the host guy? Great, now that I'm finally in a show as the last Chinese Emperor Pu Yi, I'm not gonna get to do anything! I just hope Susanna's skill at comforting me when I'm down works after this.
Nikola Tesla: Hopefully...Trebek had the sense to not quit his job to steal my death ray plans to take horrible...revenge against Romulus here. Cause if...he did...
Romulus: What's with the anger at me, this is my moment of triumph at driving Trebek perminantly crazy, so don't spoil it or my friends the wolves will pay another special visit!{Sammy walks in}
Sammy: Okay guys, we've got word that Trebek is indeed checking into to an insane aysulm and we won't be able to talk him out of it in time to host tonight's show.
Pule: It's not fair! I wanted to act like an idiot and get laughs just like the other fat kid!
Romulus: I'm still waiting for my applause for my insanity skills, people!
Sammy: We'll do that after the show, because luckly we found a substitute host who has no game show experience, but he knows hsitory so that was thin enough of a requirement for us. Say hello to your new host, Mr Garrison!
{Mr Garrison walks into the studio, and after a second, all the contestants laugh}
Romulus: You've got to be kidding me, are you trying to make my insulting isnults come easy?! Well that would make sense since that is the reason this show is so popular, so kudos to you.
Mr Garrison: Oh, aren't we the funny one? Well I will not put up with that kind of business in my show, so tough nuts to you!
Pule: Hey, I heard this guy had a puppet he already carrys around, where is he?
Mr Garrison: Well I've been told that idiotic game show contestants are too stupid to appriciate Mr Hat, so please welcome my new game show assistant, Mr Slave!{Mr Garrison's insanely gay new assistant Mr Slave from the SP episode "The Death Camp of Tolerance" walks in}
Mr Slave: Oh Jesus Christ, look at all the interesting and creepy and fat famous people.{The constestants laugh again except for Pule}
Pule: What's so funny, I don't get it.
Romulus: Don't worry, I'll come up with stuff for you to laugh at later, I'm sure of it.
Mr Garrison: All right then, the show's producers left these catagories for me to ask you about and they are...Potent Potables, Was Fire Invented by Humans?, What Year Did these Famous Events happen in 1865?, Famous Invasions in Normandy, Death Ray Crazed Scientists, Famous Last Chinese Emperors, and finally Am I Alive? I don't know what kind of stupid questions those are, but they're paying me to ask them so I don't give two craps. Mr Romulus, you may start off.
Romulus: That was your first mistake. Let's see, I don't want to msiread a catagory on my first try, so I'll just take Am I Alive for 12,000.
Mr Garrison: It only goes up to 1000, what kind of sick weirdo are you?! Just for that, we'll go with Am I Alive for 200, the lowest amount for a low amount brain like yours. And the answer is, answer yes or no to the question Are You Alive, you dumb, dumb, dumb people. Well, that should be easy enough to answer so someone's gonna get an easy $200 right here.
Mr Slave: Oh Jesus Christ.{Tesla buzzes in}
Mr Garrison: Mr Tesla?
Tesla: Those who said I could never build a death ray will answer yes, but if they dare to cross me again my eventually finished product will prove them most wrong, not that I won't give them a few seconds to proclaim my genius before I do them in. Take that Edison!{A buzzer buzzes}
Mr Garrison: What kind of answer was that, are you retarted?! Shouldn't you be in a wheelchair for that with nothing to say but your own name, cuase that probably would be less annoying!{Pule buzes in}Mr Pu Yi, go ahead you digustingly named kid.
Pule: Why aren't you going insane from these stupid answers, that's how these sketches go and that's how they get famous! I don't wanna be on a sketch that isn't like the other famous ones cause then no one will remember me or they'll remember me badly for helping to ruin it!{Buzz}
Mr Garrison: I can see why they wouldn't remember you foundly.{Romulus buzzes it}Mr big mouth former king of Rome, you have an answer?
Romulus: Your Mom was too busy enjoying herself with me to say anything resembling answers to your questions.{Buzz}
Mr Garrison:{Irate}What?!! How dare you accuse her of such a thing!! Mr Slave, hand me my paddle!!
Mr Slave:{Getting out a paddle}Oh Jesus Christ, some guys have all the fun.{Mr Garrison then walks up to Romulus and hits him upisde the head with the paddle}
Romulus: Hey, what's the meaning of this?!
Mr Garrison: I told you-{Slaps Romulus on the you know where with the paddle, though thanks to Lydia we can't actually see the paddle doing this}I will not put up{Another slap}with this kind of foolishness{Slaps him again}on my show, got it?!{Slaps him one more time and walks back to his podium}Thank you for letting me borrow that, Mr Slave.
Mr Slave: Just don't get so worked up that you forget to use it again later, Jesus Christ.
Romulus:{Dazed}What's happining here? He should have gone looney in the head by now!
Tesla: Don't worry, I have something that'll talk some sense in him later.
Mr Garrison: If you're talking about that death ray thingie, I already had it taken away. You'll get it back at the end of the show if you're good.
Tesla: We're not dealing with a man here, we're dealing with an evil force.
Mr Garrison: Well get your mind off of evil forces for once, you looney mad genius, and pick another catagory.
Tesla: I'll take Death Ray Crazed Scientists for $800.
Mr Garrison: And the answer is: This is the man who Thomas Edison ultimatly ruined and who was never that well known like Edison until appearing on the show Histeria!{Tesla buzzes in}Mr Tesla?
Tesla: When I find out who writes these idiotic answers, they're gonna wish they never bothered to learn about Nikola Tesla! But then again, it's nice to be known by anyone these days.{Buzz}
Mr Garrison: Mr Tesla, you are so lucky you were born more than 100 years ago and never lived in South Park, because then I'd show more sense than whoever had the forgetfulness to pass a dimbulb like you who couldn't even answer a question where he was the answer, cause I'd fail you right out of my class and make sure brainless buffoons like you never got close to death ray technology, although you wouldn't have the brains to make one you stupid, stupid head!!
Mr Slave: Jesus Christ, take it down a bit, you weren't this mad when we didn't get 25 million dollars.
Mr Garrison: Why don't you stick another gerbil up there and let me do my job?!
Pule: Hey, why are you so mean? Why are you insulting people that are too distracted by themselves to get simple answers right?
Mr Garrison: It's what I've done for years and it's gotten me this far, hasn't it?! Besides, that b**ch Kathie Lee Gifford started it when she beat me all those years ago, I should have the right to get back at untalented people like this if I want to!
Pule: But you can't win all the time. And if you don't win, you certainly can't hold it against the person who did, because that's the only way you ever really lose.
Mr Garrison: May...maybe you're right.
Romulus: Oh come on, what are you people doing?! We're supposed to drive him insane, it's what we always do and it always gets laughs! Breaking from tradition like this is a suicide attempt for this bit, and I won't let it go down without a fight!! Garrison, you're a fruity ba**ard, a sissy, and you have sex with animals!!
Mr Garrison: You're just lucky everyone else knows that so your attempts to smear me won't work. Now pick the next catagory for us.
Romulus: Um, um...there has to be a catagory I can mispronounce somewhere! Where is it?! I can't find anything to say wrong over here, this isn't fair! It just isn't fair!{Starts crying}
Mr Slave: Jesus Christ, what a crybaby. We'd better get outta here before he bums out our fun later on too much.
Mr Garrison: Not yet, I still have to do this Final Jeopardy thing. Apperantly the final question is: Are You A Man or Woman?{The Final Jeopardy theme plays}Are You A Man or Woman? It's a good thing I know how dumb these people are or I'd really think these writers are just as stupid. All right then, answer the question and get some money out of it then, although it seems that only one of you is actually trying to.{We see Pule is writing something down while Tesla is ranting to himself and Romulus is crying. The Jeopardy music stops}Now let's see how you've managed to top yourselfves. Mr Tesla, you wrote down....I am the greatest genius ever, and certainly better than certian other overrated people. At least you have high self esteem.
Tesla: Okay, now can I have my death ray back, I played this game and got everything messed up like I was supposed to, I at least deserve my ray back!
Mr Garrison: Fine, get outta here, literally go nuts.
Tesla: Hey, I got this far doing that, didn't I?{Runs away}
Mr Garrison: Okay then, let's go to someone relatively sane, Mr Pu Yi, who answered...I am a Man, though technically I'm still a boy. Can we count that as being right?{Pause}Yes we can, and I'm also told you're the first contestant here to get a right answer!
Pule: Is that something to be proud of since everyone else on this show couldn't get anything right?
Mr Garrison: If you actually won any money you probably wouldn't ask that, since you didn't have any to wager with. But they'll probably wanna give you some kinda award for this, I mean, they give out awards for being outragously gay, you should probably get two awards for just getting a simple question right.
Mr Slave: And you don't even have to dress up or play with small animals either.
Romulus:{Still sobbing}And now contestants are getting answers right! Oh, this was all I had going for me! I got on here because I sound like Sean Connery and could therefore insult Trebek just like Connery did on that Saturday Night show. And now that I can't get in anything hurtful, I'm out of a job! I'll just be known as they guy who got scammed by a contracter when I was trying to build Rome in a day! And all because this guy came in to ruin things! Who are you anyway, why are you here?!
Mr Garrison: Well, since Eric Cartman's hosting this show they called me over and paid me to be in this sketch. It probably would have been funnier if that fat student of mine was actually in this sketch, but it's a lot easier without him.
Romulus: So that's how my end shall come. Well, I guess there's nothing left but-
Sammy:{V.O}Hold that thought, we just found out Trebek was faking his insanity, so despite his protests they're letting him out of the ayslum, and he'll be forced back to hosting this show tomorrow.
Romulus: You mean he's really coming back? He's gonna be here tomorrow with me again? Oh, happy day, I'm saved!! My career as an insult contestant lives on!! Happy days are here again!!{Romulus laughs and jumps around madly}
Mr Slave: Dude, that is pretty f**ked up right there.
Mr Garrison: It sure is Mr Slave, but at least this is over now. Come on other fat kid, let's go both get paid for our efforts to stand up against craziness.
Pule: It gets easier with every adventure, so that should be reassuring for you.
Mr Garrison: Yeah. I'm not showing up for the rest of the show and I probably will never see you and your friends again, but yeah.{The two adults and kid leave while Romulus continues jumping around. The Jeopardy theme plays as we FTB}
*****************************
THE CLARICE SHOW
{Opens with Toast sitting on a couch behind a table with Pepper's picture on it}
Announcer: And now it's time for "The Clarice Show" with your host, Hannibal.
Toast: Thanks announcer man! Well hey dudes, today's a special "Clarice Show" because we've reached a milestone. It's our 10000'th show today, and therefore my 10000'th effort to plead for Clarice to take me back. You see, we were in love about 7 years ago, and after I snuck into my parent's basement to see that scary movie about those loud lambs and this cannibal guy with my name talking to this chick with Clarice's name, I knew we were meant to be! But Clarice's sick, twisted, and way uncool jerk parents made her move away, so I started this show to get her back. But guess what? She thinks the fact that I've been talking about her for 7 years on TV is quote unquote "creepy", and "sick", and "humilating" Well so's love baby, and I'm not letting you go yet! Okay, let's start taking calls, remember the number is 141-6312, which also stands for CLA-RICE. Hear that babe? Your name's a phone number. And as always, you're tonight subject, so call in if you've seen her, talked to her, seen her with anyone else and if so, what are their addresses? I don't wanna know that for any big reason though, in case I wanna visit them for something or other I wanna know where to go. Okay, I think we got a call. Hello?
Froggo:{V.O}Hi Hannibal! Congradtulations on your 10,000'th show!
Toast: Yeah yeah yeah, do you have any info on if Clarice finally wants to make it my last show!
Froggo:{V.O}Ha ha, it really is funny. A guy named Hannibal going after someone named Clarice just like in that lambs movie!
Toast: Whoh dude, that's not like it at all! He went after her cause he's a psycho and a loony, this is for love!{Picks up Pepper's picture}You hear that babe? We'll be together again soon. Sssh, don't cry, try to keep from jumping around too much so you don't get tired.{Puts the picture down}Now, do you have Clarice info?
Froggo:{V.O}No, no I don't. Bye Mr Cannibal, um, I mean Hannibal!{Laughs and hangs up}
Toast: Okay, that went well. Now comes the part of the show where I call the operator and ask for Clarice's number, and they refuse to give it to me because I've asked for it 5000 times already and they're tired of listening to me. Here we go.{Picks up a phone nearby and talks into it}Hello? Can I have the number for a Clarice Parling, please? What do you mean you're tired of hearing me ask that? So what if I've done it 5001 times now? This is true love you're getting in the way of dude, I hope you can sleep at night knowing that!!{Hangs up angrily and then smiles}Okay, that went well. Now let's bring out our first guest, he's a huge fan of the show, my young brother Bill, but everyone nicknames him Buffalo. Buffalo Bill everyone!
{Mini Me comes on stage and sits down next to Toast}
Toast: Hey Buffalo Bill, how are things going?{Mini Me smiles}Good, huh? So, um, how about that Clarice? 10000 shows and she doesn't even call me, how do you figure that.{Mini Me makes several hand gestures}What do you mean it's because she never loved me? You weren't even born when we kissed for the first time!{Mini Me makes more hand gestures}Yeah I did tell you that story a million times, where did you get the idea that I kissed her because I wanted to make fun of that lambs movie since we have the same names as those guys?!{Mini Me makes more hand gestures}Okay, I explaned to you, she slapped me after I kissed her because she was so overcome with love! You're nuts to think it was because she didn't love me, it was meant to be! Get outta here dude!{Mini Me twirls his finger around to signify Toast is crazy}Oh fine, looks like the crazy one's gonna have to play Kick the Baby with you when the shows over, go on and get out!{Mini Me walks off}Okay, that went well. Now's the part of the show where I get out pictures of Clarice's parents and throw my clocks at them to express how much I hate them for breaking up true love. Here we go.{He gets out a picture of Miss Info and Mr Smartypants, posts it on a nearby wall, and then picks up a clock and throws it at the picture}WHY'D YOU BREAK US UP?!! WE WERE SO HAPPY TOGETHER AND YOU RUINED IT!! I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU BOTH!!!
Dr Evil:{V.O}Hello Hannibal.
Toast:{Calm}Oh, hey Dad dude, what is it?
Dr Evil:{V.O}Before I kill you for planning to kick your brother and my beloved, um, what are they caling him in this bit? Buffalo Bill? Yes, that's it. Before you do that, can you tell me why the heck you're being such a lunatic? You're insane in the menbrane, you're a looney boy...but does that kind of behavior help you in tasks like planning world domination, and if so how would you use it in that way? Hang on a second, I gotta go get a pencil and paper so I can take notes.{Hangs up}
Toast: What a nut. Now back to true love, we've reached the part of the show where I hallucinate that Clarice is here, and I pick up a pillow thinking it's her and kiss it for several seconds before I realize it's just a pillow, then I snap and destroy the set looking for her before the people running the local insane asylum come to take me away. Here we go.{Picks up a pillow}Hey babe, I'm glad you came to your senses and ran away from your evil love hating parents. We were meant to be, the lamb movie said so itself. The Hannibal and Clarice in that movie shared a forbidden bond, and so must we. Now-{Bill, Father Time, and Loud come into the scene wearing white coats and holding a straight jacket}Hey, what are you dudes doing here this early, your cue comes when I trash the set!
Bill: The studio got tired of paying for the damage you do to these sets, so we're dragging you off now.
Father Time: Yeah crazy boy, if we hurry you can get back to the loony bin in time for a late lunch.
Toast: No, you can't break apart true love again! It's fate, we're bonded by narly fate!{Pepper comes into the scene}
Pepper: We're bonded by your sick dreams, crazy boy!
Toast: Clarice!! I knew you'd come to your senses and see the truth!
Pepper: I saw the truth 7 years ago when you said we had to be together so your classmates could think you're cool because you're involved with me and we have the same names from that lamb movie! You were a crazy boy then, and you're even crazier now! But at least the studio finally realizes that you freaking out over me isn't funny after the 1000'th time, so you've been cancelled!
Toast: Will you go back out with me?
Pepper:{Screams}We were never together, you freak!
Toast: But we're Hannibal and Clarice, the movie had us together.
Pepper: Did you even see that movie?
Toast: Well it was about us and lambs and stuff.
Loud: OH GREAT, THAT REMINDS ME!!! I FORGOT TO LOCK THE LAMB CAGE AT THE ZOO, WHERE MY OTHER JOB IS!!{Suddenly a couple of lambs come into the set}
Toast: Yes, yes!! I have my Clarice and I have lambs too, my dreams have come true!
Pepper: Then let me make my dream come true!{Comes up to Toast and whispers}I'm so sorry about this Toastie, I'll make it up to you afterwards bigtime.{Kicks Toast in the groin}That's for that awful kiss 7 years ago, you crazy boy!
Toast:{Groans}So now that you got your rage outta the way, we can be together now?
Pepper: NO!!{Storms off}
Toast: Then join us next week for the 10000'th and one edition of the Clarice show, where we'll guest star a man who can cut open people's brains and serve it to them, and we'll have a guy with a tatoo of a dragon with a reddish color on his back! See you then! Clarice, come back! I have fava beans and a Cheanti drink here for you if you come back!!{Bill, FT, and Loud try to put him in the straight jacket as he keeps calling out for "Clarice"}
Announcer: This has been "The Clarice Show" with Hannibal. Where will the next edition tickle you?{FTB}
******************************************************
JUDGE TRUDY
{Opens inside a courtroom full of kids}
Announcer: And now, it's time for another episode of "Judge Trudy". I wish I was anywhere but here right now.
{Amanda appears and sits behind the judge's desk as her Judge Trudy character. Chit then appears as her bailif}
Amanda:{In her New Yawk accent}Okay, sit down, I got a lot of cases to look at today and I only got 5 minutes till my shows come on, so let's make this quick already!
Chit:{In a goofy accent}Yeah, speed it up!
Amanda: Well put, bring in the first batch of numbskulls!{Bangs her gavel and Loud comes up to the plantiff's desk as Father Time goes up to the defendant's desk with office supplies all over his beard}
Announcer: The plantiff is suing the defendant for punishing him over gluing office supplies on the defendant's beard. I want to kill my boss and take all his money and blow it on a night in Vegas.
Amanda: Okay, what's the trouble?
Loud: Your honor, my grandpa came over to babysit me one night and I had to have some fun, so-
Father Time: So his idea of fun was ruining my perfect beard like a little-
Amanda:{Banging her gavel}Excuse me, staple and glue beard! I believe the young man wasn't quite finished, so wait your turn!
Chit:{With the goofy accent}Shut it, funny bearded man!
Father Time: Listen your honor, I told my grandson all kinds of great stories about the War and he fell asleep! Then when I fell asleep he put office supplies on my beard as a prank!
Amanda:{Pause}And?
Father Time: And it's been two weeks and I'm still the laughing stock of my retirement home, I haven't had a minute of peace and I'm the butt of nonstop jokes!
Amanda:{Pause}So that gives you the excuse to throw a hissy fit at this poor kid, is that it, Gramps?
Chit: Ha ha ha, gramps!
Father Time: But he ruined me, I had to make his parents take away his TV and computer for two weeks, it's the sane thing to do!{The crowd of kids boo}
Amanda: And yet you were insane enough not to consider he may have had a good reason to ruin your beard?
Father Time: What good reason could there possibly be?!
Loud: I was bored and he was boring, I had to do something fun.
Amanda:{Pause}And for that you got punished when you should have got some kind of medal! What kind of sick old man are you, gramps?!
Father Time: Wait a minute here, I have my rights to have a clean beard and he took that from me!
Loud:{Pretending to cry}And that gave you the right to make Mom and Dad take my TV and computer, the only other things that give me joy in my life...{Keeps crying as Chit starts crying too}
Amanda: All right, I see no other solution to this. I find in favor of the kid and order that gramps have glue and office supplies dumped all over his body for trying to hurt this hero kid! Bailiff!
Father Time: Hero what?! Glue and office supplies on what?!
{Chit then pours a bucker of glue on Father Time and then throws office supplies on him. Everyone laughs at this and then Father Time runs off, but the glue goes onto his feet and soon he's glued to the floor}
Amanda: Ha, this is why I got in this business. All right, keep it coming, next case!{Aka goes up to the plantiff's desk and Miss Info and Bill go up to the defendent's desk}
Announcer: The plantiff is suing the defendants for making him study and miss his favorite show. I have a hump on my back that prevents me from being on camera.
Amanda: Okay, what's your story?
Miss Info: Your Honor, we don't know why we're here, all we did was tell our daughter to study for an important test.
Aka: But on the same night as "Temptation Island"? What kind of cruel parents are you?
Amanda: Yeah, answer the question, cruel parents!
Chit: Hee hee, cruel and most unusual!
Bill: I guess you'd know. Anyway, she's failing math and she had to get her grades up or they'd hold her back a grade, she had to study to pass that class or else she wouldn't move to the next grade! Any parent would do the same!
Amanda:{Pause}Yes, anyone who happens to be a heartless monster of a parent, that sounds about right!{The kids boo}
Aka: Yeah, who needs math anyway, I'm not gonna need to know that 3+5 equals 100 when I'm modeling for magazines!
Amanda: Fair enough. I rule in favor of the plantiff and rule that these scumbags be forced to eat rocks covered entirely with bugs, bailiff!
Chit: Hee hee, chow time folks!{He brings up a bucket filled with rocks and bugs}
Miss Info: What is this, is this one of those hidden camera episodes of "Fear Factor"?
Bill: This isn't fair, we just wanted her to pass math!
Amanda: Enough yapping, more with the eating, bailiff!{Chit opens Bill's month and puts rocks and bugs in it, then he tries to spit them out while running away as Miss Info follows}Okay, move it along, next case!{Charity goes to the plantiff's desk and Sammy goes to the defendant's desk}
Annoucer: The plantiff is suing the defendant for making her eat things she didn't want to eat. I want to punch myself in the face sometimes and....{We hear a punching sound}Ow!!
Amanda: So what's the story here?
Charity: My mean old dad didn't want me to eat anything I liked, he made me eat something yucky instead!{The kids boo Sammy}
Chit: Uh oh, he's in for a whooping now!
Sammy: Oh come on, you can't go one show without kicking my butt, is that your problem?!
Amanda: My problem is you not shutting it and letting this sweet, lovable little girl talk! Now what did he make you eat, you little darling? Did he make you eat celery or carrots or apple or what other horrible food?
Charity: He....he made me eat potato chips!
Amanda: You horrible excuse for an adult, you should be.....wait, what was that again?
Charity: I was all set to have a nice meal of carrots and apples and broccoli and other vegetables, but he made me eat fatty foods and snacks instead!
Sammy: Well she's a health nut, you know that no one likes a health nut! I had to make her eat something other kids eat!
Amanda: So this kids actually eats that vegetable stuff.....willingly and on her own?
Sammy: Nope, I don't make her eat that but she does on her own free will.
Amanda: Interesting. Excuse me a minute. Bailiff! Get me my bucket!{Chit hands her a bucket and it sounds like she is vomiting in it}
Charity: Are you okay, your honor?
Amanda: No! Not with disgraces to kids everywhere staring at me! Don't you know that kids aren't supposed to eat disgusting vegetables or even want too, what kind of freak are you?!
Charity: But they're healthy and good for you, and those snacks and chips everyone else eats are bad for your heart! Every sane kid should know that and stop eating fatty foods, am I right?{After a pause, the kids in the crowd start booing and throwing things at Charity, which she does dodge}
Sammy:{Quietly}Oh my God, if someone doesn't tape this priceless moment for me where I don't get punished, I'm going to kill somebody!
Amanda: I hearby rule in favor of the defendant and order the insane and clearly sick plantiff to be thrown in a 50 foot pit of chips and pretzels and other foods that are "bad for you" for a time period of the rest of her sick and twisted life! Bailiff!
Chit: Hee hee, it's chow time part 2!{Picks Charity up}
Charity: No, this can't be happening, you can't surround me with that horrible food forever! YOU CAN'T!!! MY POOR HEART!!!{Chit drags Charity away}
Sammy: Well well, now that I finally won something I guess I'll go.
Amanda: Oh, and put a mouse in the defendant's hair just for looking stupid.
Sammy: What?{Chit comes back and puts a mouse in Sammy's hair, then he runs around like crazy to get it out}
Amanda: Okay, that should keep me plently amused until my shows come on! Court adjorned, bring in the dancing lobsters to entertain me some more!
Chit: It's disco time, baby!{Dancing lobsters then come in and start dancing along with Chit and the crowd as Sammy dances to get the mouse out of his hair and Amanda laughs at it all. FTB}
*************
THE SAM-MEISTER
{Opens inside the hallways of a school as the H! adults and Hackman chat while the kids look glum}
WOW: This back to school meeting went great, Principal.
Hackman: Thanks, at least one group of people agreed on that, eh returning kids?
Cho-Cho: Aw, did you have to drag us here for this?
Charity: Like he said, at least one group of people are happy tonight.
Miss Info: Say, shouldn't we hand out the schedules and stuff now?
Hackman: Although that was a poor attempt to change the subject, it's quite right, Mel. The paper's in the copy machine, just go in there and duplicate it, and watch out for the drinks and snacks in there too.
Miss Info: I guess that's what I get for having a big mouth.
Loud: Don't worry, you get used to it.
{Miss Info walks down the halls and enters a copy room with drinks and snacks in it too. She starts copying a paper nearby as we pan to Sammy Melman sitting at a desk nearby wearing a white suit and tie}
Sammy: Mel! The Melinator! Melonama! Time to ring the Mel! Mel Mel Bo Bell Banana Bana Fo Fel, Mel!
Miss Info: Hello Sam, I'm just using the copying of the schedule as an excuse to be a witness to your "jokes"
Sammy: Okay! Making duplicates! Duplicate-o-rama! Its dupestock!
Miss Info: Hmm, every 10 or 15 times you come up with a good one.
Sammy: All right, getting a compliment, a complimento!
Miss Info: And then there's stuff like that that makes we wish I hadn't spoken so soon.{She walks out with the copies}
Sammy: Melster! Doesn't realize how hard it is to think of new stuff, very hard to repeat yourself. The repeater!{Aka walks in to get a drink}Whitney! The girl with the acid whit! Whit-o-vich! Whit!
Aka: Hey Sam, just getting a drink, which I'm doing very quickly after hearing you talk.
Sammy: No duplicates for Whitty! Too young so she's getting a drink! I've been duped by the _un_duplicator!
Aka: You're just lucky people only see you for a minute or the hospital would know you quite well.{She leaves}
Sammy: Miss Unoriginal, doesn't realize how often I've heard that before! Nothing new for Miss Kibbles and Whits!{Cho-Cho comes in}Tress! The snappy tresser! Tressy!
Cho-Cho: Hello Mr Sameister, I'm just getting a snack.
Sammy: Miss Snackage! Miss Snacks, Crackles, and Pops! A regular eat machine, Eatie without Steve!
Cho-Cho: Sigh, how one dimensional can you get?
Sammy: Don't know, it's a rhetorical question! It has a question mark all over it, questapo!
Cho-Cho: So school found a way to be more horrfying I see, good for it.{She runs away. WOW comes in}
Sammy: Emma! Emma-ra-ma! Downloading info from Emster!
WOW: I have never understood anything you've ever said, so consider yourself lucky. I'm just making copies of these back to school lists.{Does so}
Sammy: Ah, making duplicates for back to school, school-o, the believer of education and thought control! No edu-tainment here, just cold hard factoids! Get the factioners out here!
WOW: This one wants out of here quickly, come on you hunk of junk, and to think I usually like hunks.
Sammy: The Sameister not too found of competition, just a warning. A warning from the Samman!
WOW:{Finishing the copies}Is that the best you can do? If it is, thank you to whoever's up there, you like me, you really like me!{Goes away}
Sammy: The ripoffster has left the room, the pillager of a field, quite literally, literama!{Hackman comes in}Principal White! The Princester, the artist who actually has a name! It's white as rain for the would be king who's just a prince!
Hackman: Actually I do run this school, so I have the right to tell you my response to those people's complaints.
Sammy: Complainterinos?
Hackman: Yes, Sam. You know, those little name games you've been playing, at first they were a little funny, but now...they're just annoying! You established your premise, and now you've beaten it up like Tyson when he wasn't a joke!
Sammy: Whitey made a jokey!
Hackman: Enough! And another thing, what is your actual job anyway, what task is it you don't do so you can make our names look like a bad joke?{Sammy thinks for quite a while, obviously not knowing the answer himself}
Sammy: Whit-e-e!
Hackman: Okay, you've been asking for a go at it for some time, here comes your granted wish! Oh boys and girls!{All the kids and adults come in}
Sammy: Uh oh, smells like disaster coming for the Sam-man! Thank goodness this is only a sketch so the
punchos are fake-o-rine! Um, right?
Father Time: Well now, we wouldn't say that.
Sammy: Hey, wait a minute! The writers are really to blame for this, get them!
Miss Info: You personally wrote this for yourself, so that takes care of that!
Hackman: Now to do something that I wish could have been done to the original guy that did this!
Sammy: Eeponski!
{Everyone jumps on Sammy and a dust cloud covers the scene. When it clears up Sammy is lying in pain on the ground}
Loud: I THINK THIS SCHOOL YEAR'S GONNA BE TOLERABLE AFTER ALL NOW!
Hackman: Good job kids. Sam-man, clean out your desk-o, clean the deskcologist, cause you're f-i-r-e-d, and fired is your name-o.{Everyone walks out}
Sammy:{Dazed}Sammy the fall guy is in painsky! Going to a hospital to lick his wounds after all, the cruel irony of the Whitmeister's joke has hit home.
Everyone:{V.O}SHUT UP ALREADY!
Sammy: Okay, fade to black and get me an ambulance with complimentary lawyer for me, the not so invulnerable Sameister!{Fade to black}
***************
FETCH THE DRIVING DOG
{Note: this sketch goes back and forth from a live scene to clips from a movie, so try to keep track}
{Opens on the front stage where the monologue took place}
Voice: Ladies and gentlemen, Gene Hackman!{Said actor then comes out on the stage to about 5 seconds of applause}
Hackman: Now you promised we were gonna make this quick, right, cause that's how you got me to come back here. Okay. Hello, audience, I of course was the lucky and unlucky host of this show last time, a statement which Mr Spade by now certainly understands, though I did less to deserve it. But anyway, the reason why I'm here is tell you that during the preparation of a show like this, some sketches get written up, but then cut for time before it goes live. Since these people are running out of skits from that other show, they asked me to introduce a sketch cut from when I hosted. So here I am. Oh, and if you're tired of the hype about the big movie out right now, "Heist" isn't that bad of a film to go to before your kids drag you to see that other one for the 4'th time. There, my plugging is over so I have no more reason to stick around except to watch this cut sketch and see just why it was cut and why I wanted to keep it that way.
Voice: Um, Mr Hackman, a Volvo just crashed into your car....again.
Hackman: Sigh, some people never learn.{Cracks his knuckles}Try to enjoy!{He runs away}
{Cut to a scene from the movie "The French Connection" This is before the famous car chase scene as French crooks take control of a train above a road. Below on the road, the scene of Hackman's Popeye Doyle running over and stopping a car is seen}
Hackman: Police! I need your car!
{Now the scene is live as now we see the person in that car, only it's not a person per se, it's....}
Fetch: Yeah, you and everyone else who's late for work, buddy, but only 10 out of 50 go and nearly get killed to do it!
Hackman: What the{bleep}?!
{Fade to a sequence with Fetch driving a car down an empty road as a chorus sings}
Chorus: It's Fetch....the driving dog!
The dog who could drive a car!
He drives like a kitty
All over the city.
It's Fetch the driving dog!
Voice: Fetch! The dog who could drive a car! Tonight's episode, "The Fetch Connection"{Cut back to Fetch and Hackman}
Hackman: What the{bleep} kind of {bleep} is this?! A dog driving a {bleeping} car?!
Fetch: If you can think of a better way for a driving dog to make a living, potty mouth, I'd like to hear it. Seriously, what?
Hackman: Just let me have that car, um sir.
Fetch: Not while the meter's running pal. You already owe me $1.10, and if it's that big of an emergency you'd have paid it if you wanted this baby.
Hackman: Fine, then you drive, don't let that train get away!{Gets in the passenger's side of the car as Fetch starts to drive}
Fetch: Chasing a train? Hey, if we videotaped this we could go down in history by showing it to movie lovers who'd never forget it.
Hackman: Keep driving now, talk useless talk later, dog!
Fetch: Hey, moviegoers like hardened foul cops too, how convenient. Oops, we're doing that phrase next week.
{Cut to clips of the car chase from the movie as the car gets through all the perils of the road while chasing the train}
Fetch: Hah, take that cats, you think you got superiority on the road, but you can't do that, the proof's on TV and right here, pal!
Hackman: How 'bout you keep your eye on the road or else you'll have proof of a dead and very angry cop!
Fetch: What?
{The scene of the car heading for a mom and her child in a carriage is seen. The car barely misses and skids off the road and stops}
Hackman:{Getting out of the car}Well, looks like we both have work to do, here I go to do mine.{He runs off}
Fetch: Hey, if you mean the job of paying me 15 bucks for the ride, you, um....just give me my money, forget the fact I ran out of jokes to make!
{Cut to the clip from the movie of Hackman catching one of the crooks before he runs up a flight of stairs to a bus terminal. The crook then turns to run again and before the scene is shown of Hackman shooting him in the back [the same image from the film's video cover] we go back live to see Fetch tugging on Hackman's leg. He turns around}
Fetch: Hey, you have bad hearing or else you'd have listened and paid my 15 dollars!
Hackman: Get out of here, I was about to make a killing, you {bleeping} dog!
Fetch: Well, just for that, I won't be alone in paying off the damages to said car.{Hackman now turns to see the crook getting away}
Hackman: And you won't be alone in examples of police brutality, you son of a {bleep}
Fetch: Okay, now it's personal, literally if you get my drift!
{Fetch jumps onto Hackman and the two tumble on the ground. They keep rolling until they somehow stumble into the nearby car from earlier. After a second or two, the car starts to move back onto the road, just as another car comes flying back. A video clip of two cars crashing and one flying off the ground and tumbling up and down for a few seconds is shown. Afterwards, cut back live as we see the car lying face down and Hackman and Fetch still in it}
Fetch: Okay, you're making it really hard for me to be even with you, I guess you want me to deny you money and crash your car, that would make sense if you have a death wish.
Hackman:{Groggy}Trust me, I have one, but not for myself.
Fetch: Hey, don't think I couldn't read between the lines of that one!
{The scene freezes and the chorus sings again}
Chorus: He drives like a kitty
All over the city.
It's Fetch the driving dog!{FTB}
*******************************************************
TUFFETS
{Opens with Swedish music playing against a TV forum}
Announcer: Truffets. Truffets. Swedish Television presents Truffets. And now, your host, Magnus.
{Loud comes on dressed in whatever trademark Swedish clothing there is. He then sits down on one of the three chairs in the set}
Loud:{Swedish accent}God dag, good day, I am Magnus, and velcome to Truffets. Today is a very special Truffets because ve have a guest that could very well give Sweden something to brag about other than dog racing, polka, and Peter Forsburg. We have a comic genius here that could probably also show me how to think of a funnier way to end sentences like that last one. Please velcome Mr Gustav Johanssen!
{Cleese comes in and sits next to Loud}
Cleese: Gutentaag, Mr Magnus. Sorry that didn't have a punchline, but even us comics have to let the audience get their sides fixed from being split for a second!{Laughs}
Loud:{Deadpan}Your analogy is delicious and foreshadowing. What other Swedish comedy have you brought us?
Cleese: Someone put a polka in my hand and I'll show you.{A polka is handed to him on cue}Ladies and gentlemen, the world's first dancing polka player!
{Cleese starts high stepping while playing the polka. After a while his knee rises up and knocks the polka from his hands. He goes under it to catch it, but the plastic in the middle instead goes through his head, leaving him wearing the polka as a kind of neckbrace. He then plays a few more scrambled notes before stopping and sitting back down}
Loud:{Still deadpan}Your funny brilliance has made me looney.{Pause}There, now I am hopelessly lost to sanity. Please give me more.
Cleese: What, that didn't satisfy you enough? Um, um, okay, here's a joke for you. Did you hear the one about the dog racer who got stuck in the lake? His chances for victory then got ice cold, ha ha!
Loud: Not quite jaw dropping, but chuckle worthy. Next.
Cleese:{Stammering}Well, um, here's my imitation of a certain Colorado hockey player who isn't named Joe.{Starts talking in Swedish and then laughs again}
Loud: And the English version for our watchers in the States?
Cleese: We have what in the States? Oh boy, that wasn't a promising thing to say to me.
Loud: The boredom has started to creep into my physche, Mr Johanssen, and it's very boring.
Cleese: Well I can't be faulted if you have a poor attention span, can I?!
Voice: Okay Dad, the time to quit while you're only a little bit behind is now.{Charity walks in}
Loud:{Impressed}Well, hello there little lady, who are you?
Charity: Erika, Mr host, now could you let my father leave before you lose ratings from his unfinished act?
Cleese: And who's fault is that, mine or the Swedish comic community for having no comedy topics for me to pick on?
Loud: Who knows, but perhaps your daughter knows, sit down my dear.{Charity does}Say, would you like to touch my birdie?{A bird is seen sitting on a pedestial next to Charity}
Charity: I'd be, well, not that happy since that's hard for me, but I'll do it out of courtesy.{She reaches over to touch the bird}
Loud: Touch it! Love it! Liebe mein affe-mienke!{Pause}I got that one from my stay in Germany, no big whoop.
Charity: Wow, that is a pretty big bird.
{Just then a caption reading "Please Stand By" is seen followed by elevator music and Lydia's voice}
Lydia:{V.O}This is your friendly network censor, who just hit upon the idea of voicing my objections to material via voiceover and graphics instead of wasting my breath on those who think they can get away with offensive innendo. Heh, this is much easier than my previous methods. Well, I think they're done, back to clean words now.
{Cut back to the set}
Loud: Now I am as happy as someone like Mr Johanssan's daughter.
Cleese: As a comic who would like to get back in the spotlight of this show, I know what that means. And sadly, in the case of my little Erika, happiness isn't so easy.
Loud: Well perhaps an age old art will help a bit.{Goes over to Charity and starts tickling her}
Cleese: Hey hey, that's uncalled for!!
Loud: But since you're not using that polka now, this isn't.
{He grabs the polka and goes through the hole in it, then plays some notes while he makes it slide through his body, and them jumps out as he puts it on the floor. Charity is ROTFL}
Cleese: I can't say you laughing at him doing it and not me doesn't hurt, now can I?
Charity: But he tickled me, so I was in the mood for it that time! Now there's a funny guy right there!
Loud: You know I am versitile in other areas.
Cleese: Okay, you already stole the skit, or scene, or whatever comic farce we're in, just don't push your luck, k?
Loud: I'm so lucky to have seen something so vunderful that you couldn't possibly drive it all away.
Charity: Boy, you weren't kidding on that versitile spot.{Under her breath}Thank goodness those writers finally got a scene right, i.e any one that allows this to happen.{Normally}I have talents as well, which I would like to show you as reward for laughter, funny and cute boy.
{Charity runs over to Loud: but before anything happens the Please Stand By caption shows up and Lydia speaks again}
Lydia:{V.O}Ha, this thing is good! It certainly did the job of not showing some, what looks like partically unsettling passion between those underage kids. Blasted writers for giving in to those Loud/Charity love ideas. Okay, I think Mr Cleese stopped them, enjoy the rest of the sketch and please keep the letters to a minimum.
{Back on the set, an outraged Cleese is growling at Loud}
Loud: Um, technically she went to me, have any memory of that?
Cleese: Thoughts of retaliation for scene and child stealing from your guest do tend to drive memory out, I think.
Loud: Okay. Now's the time on Tuffets when we run in circles!{Loud runs around the set with Cleese chasing him until he comes up to the camera}That's all the time for Tuffets, my name is Magnus, my guest is an unfortunatly preoccupied Gustav Johanssen, hye da, goodbye!
{Loud skips away just as Cleese comes near him, and Cleese therefore winds up bumping into the camera and falling to the ground, making both the kids laugh just before they walk off together}
****************
UNFROZEN FUTURISTIC PREHISTORIC PRESIDENTIAL CANIDATE
Announcer: In the not too distant future, a man campaigning for U.S President engineered a time travel experiment to go into the more distant future to see if he had won the election. But a mishap sent him into the Ice Age, where he was frozen before he got into any mishaps with sloths and mammoths and clumsy squirrels. Fortunatly he wasn't in any caves so he thawed out quickly enough to blend in with a tribe of humans, where he fit in by becoming.....Unfrozen Futuristic Prehistoric Presidential Canidate!
Chorus:{Singing}Used to be a Presidential Canidiate.
Now he's, well, one again but in prehistory this time.
Unfrozen Futuristic Prehistoric Presidential...{Deep breath}Canidate!!
Announcer: Brought to you by Schimdt's Evil Cola. When you've got a big thirst and you're out to cause pain and misery, quench your thirst with Schimdt's Evil before quenching your thirst for power. Also brought to you by Super Mice O Matic '03, the device that lab mice who want to rule the world would get rid of if they took over, but that won't happen, so buy Super Mice O Matic '03 without any worries. Tonight's episode....The Great Debate.
{Cut to a set where the cast is jumping around in prehistoric loinclothes in a deserted setting. In front of them are two rocks/podiums. Standing behind one is a prehistory dressed Cartman, and behind the other is a neatly dressed Chit, the Unfrozen you know who. Next to them is Bill who talks in grunts that are translated into subtitles}
Bill:{Subtitled from his grunts}Good evening, and welcome to today's presidential debate between futuristic prehistoric canidate Steven Guilineddy III, and our own Rock. I'm your modirator Mr Stone, and we shall begin with the opening statement from Mr Rock.
Cartman:{Grunts with subtitles}My fellow prehistorians, it is time for a new voice in our growing government. And just remember that I'm the one with the most skill in making hunting spears, so perhaps if things go bad I might see so badly that I mistake voters for animals{In English}Godda**it!!{Nervous claps are heard}
Bill:{In subtitles}Mr Guilineddy, your opening statement.{Chit comes up and talks in English, and in the exact same voice of Zapp Braniggan from "Futurama" because it resembles one of the tragically late geniuses of SNL}
Chit: Thank you Mr Stone. Ladies, gentlemen, as of yet not completly evolved others, I'm just a politician from the future, frozen after a time travel accident and thawed out here instead of being unfrozen back in my time, just my luck. Your world horrifies me and makes my clothes quite dirty sometimes. For someone not used to travel in crude vehicles with rocks as wheels, it makes one regreatful that he didn't watch those 100 year old Flintstones reruns so I could remember a less dangerously way to make such things. For someone used to eating fine dining and not animals that were barely cooked and not in a George Foreman grill- the only kind of grill left in my time which can personally destroy any of it's compitetors- it's quite hard to live. I mean, come on, for anyone who had such a good life in such a technology filled time, living in a filthy, terrifying, and just darn cold time period like this isn't much fun. In fact I'd be happier if there was any fun in it period! Here I am running for President of a tribe that won't live to see anything memorable at all, when I could have run the most powerful country in the world if I had just waited and not been so eager to know the future! You see any fun in that?! Do you?!! I don't!!!!{Calms down after some time}But I do know that I will do the best job I can as President until you all are eaten alive by lions and tigers and I head for a cave to freeze myself again while praying to be unfrozen in a civilized time period. Thank you.{He walks off as everyone is mostly too scared to clap}
Bill:{In subtitles}All right then, um, any questions?
Aka:{In subtitles}We don't need to ask anything. Although Mr Rock had a scary threat, we can tell the other guy would rip us to shreads with bare hands and not spears if we got on his bad side. So since we haven't discovered courage yet, we vote for Mr Guilineddy as our new President.
Charity:{In subtitles}Yay President Guilineddy!! Everyone clap quickly before he hastens our certain doom!{Everyone claps but Cartman}
Cartman:{In subtitles}What?! But I have spears, he only has insane stuff from the future to talk about.{In English}AHHH, Godd**m mother-{Starts talking in bleeped out curses that were probably unheard of as of that time. Chit only smiles as this image freezes}
Announcer: Next week on Unfrozen....you know.
{Cut to a prehistoric newsconference as the cast keeps questioning a nervous Chit}
Loud:{In subtitles}Who was that woman Mr Rock reported as leaving your cave last night?
Father Time:{The same}Are you making dealings to get extra helpings of hog as a political bribe?!
Froggo:{The same again}Tell us more about these lions you said would eat us, can your future powers tell us when it will happen?{Chit grins very nervously as Cartman walks up to him}
Cartman:{In spoken English}So, it seems I didn't miss out on much by not winning that fixed election, eh?
Cho-Cho:{In subtitles}That reminds us, did you count every hanging cave drawing in the election, there's been word of a recount once we learn to count!
Chit: Please, I can't take this, take over for me Mr Rock!
Cartman: Nah, I don't wanna anymore, it's more fun watching you tarnish my rightful job. Besides, just becoming the second guy here that can talk in English is getting me enough good fame already, see ya!{Walks out}
Chit: WAIT, PLEASE!!!{The image of Chit's terror filled face freezes}
Announcer: That's next week on Unfrozen something or other!
***************
LITTLE STUART RANKIN
{Opens on a shot of a picture of Stuart Rankin, Mike Myer's Scottish character on Saturday Night Live}
Announcer: Mike Myers created many characters on Saturday Night Live, one of them being Stuart Rankin, the crabby owner of the store "All Things Scottish" But what happens when a sketch comedy show that got no permission to spoof the sketches of Saturday Night Live goes ahead and uses the character for a stupid made for TV movie anyway? You get this: a movie where a scientific experiment leaves Stuart shrunken to 1/8'th his size!{We see a picture of Mini Me dressed in Scottish clothing and wearing glasses}And the result is the inspirational, not even close to being true story of....little Stuart Rankin.
{Cut to the set of a store where all the products of Scottish. Mini Me is in his Scottish clothes behind a small desk and we see Loud and Charity coming iinto the store- with a Scottish jingle playing as the door opens. Mini Me then moves his lips and we hear Mike Myers's Scottish voice come out}
Mini Me:{Lip syncing to the Meyers voice}Welcome to All Things Scottish, if it's not Scottish IT'S CRAP!!! Can I help you?
Loud: Yes, we'd like to see the owner of the place, please. We'd like him to tell us what kind of Scottish wardrobe we can buy for a dressup show tonight.
Mini Me:{Lip syncing to Myers}Well I am the owner, and we have some fine Edinburough kilts over here.
Charity: You can't be the owner, you're a kid like us. Is your dad the owner or something?
Mini Me:{Still lip syncing}Aye, you think I'm the wee son of the owner, eh? Well since the owner, me, was shrunk in a scientific accident which I got in because my kilt flew off and into a scientific building of some kind, I guess that'd be easy to guess. NOW GET OUT, MR AND MRS NO HAVE NO RESPECT FOR SHRUNKEN OWNERS OF SCOTTISH STORES, GET OUT!!!!
Loud: WHOH, AND I THOUGHT I WAS A FREAK FOR HAVING A VOICE LIKE THIS!!{Loud and Charity leave as Mini Me collapses to the floor and pretends to cry}
Announcer: Starring Mini Me in his dramatic debut, and featuring the voice of Fat B***ard as Stuart.
{Cut to a scene where Mini Me is "talking" to Froggo and Aka}
Mini Me: So you really want this lad to try on one of the kilts we got here?
Aka: Yeah, I insist on it.
Froggo: Aka, you're making me more uncomfortable with this than I already am.{Mini Me is now holding a kilt which is so large it's covering his body}
Mini Me: Well after you try on this strapping kilt you'l disagree.{Pause}Oh come on, would it be so much trouble for these guys to take the kilt off him so I can see him?{Mini Me puts down the kilt and although he doesn't move his lips, we hear Fat B***ard still talking}
Fat B***ard:{V.O}Oh yes, there you are sonny jim. You think just because you're on a movie set and I'm in a recording studio that I can't get you in my belly?!{Mini Me now looks puzzled}Well come here and talk that tough to me and I'll have your remains put in the crapper by tomorrow, and the remains won't be smelling like roses either!!{Mini Me then runs off and then we hear Fat B***ard yelling a second later}Ow, hey watch the face!! Oh no, you're not gonna hit me in the mommy daddy section....OW!!!!
Aka: Does this mean we have to take a few hours break while our voice artist gets some ice? Good, now Froggy can try on this stuff for real.
Froggo: Hold on a minute, I'd better go get some ice for the fat man so he recovers soon.{Runs off}
Aka: You can run from the kilts that show off your cute bod, but you can't hide!
Announcer: Also featuring a special guest apperance from Dr Evil as customer number 5.
{We now see Dr Evil in the store talking with Mini Me. Fat B***ard is now talking again and Mini Me is moving his lips to the voice, though the voice doesn't sounds as healthy as before}
Mini Me:{Lip syncing to Fat B***ards pain filled voice}So we got kilts, more kilts, and....ow, my neather region still hurts! I mean, um, we also got Scotty masks too!
Dr Evil: Very well then, shrunken owner who isn't my clone and who isn't being voiced by a fat Scottish idiot, I'll give you one buck for the Scotty mask.
Mini Me: You'll pay one buck to see James Doohan's handsome face covering up your ugly one, eh? GET OUT, MR CHEAPSKATE WHO DOESN'T DESERVE THE HONOR OF IMPERSINATING SCOTTY, GET OUT!!!
Dr Evil: Hey, I'm the one who covers up for your tiny butt whenever you put horse caca on my Scott's bed, cut me some friggen slack!
Mini Me:{Lip syncing to Fat B***ard's obviously unscripted words}That's not how the bit goes, you dummy! You're supposed to walk outta here and end the clip so I can be all alone to get back at the baby and swallow him whole!!
Dr Evil: Okay, now you're talking about swallowing yourself whole? That's just sick Mini Me, what kind of sick people made you say this stuff? Well consider them doomed when the Justin and Kelly rock gets here, in the meantime we're gonna go find a better movie for you to work on. I wonder if that delightful Roman Polanski fellow would like you even though you look like a kid?{Walks off with Mini Me as Fat B***ard keeps speaking}
Fat B***ard:{V.O}Hey, get back here with my lunch!! Don't make me have to get up and swallow you both whole....ow, I forgot how much it hurts to get up!! But now I gotta go take a crap, I'll be right back people! Gee I hope I'm not still hooked up to these audio tapes cause then they'd hear me taking a....wait, no time to worry about that now, a big one's coming out!!
Announcer:{Quickly}Okay, that's "Little Stuart Rankin", coming soon to Histeria Night Live! Now quick, get the audio unplugged or Ms Karaoke will have us all fired!!
**************
HISTORY UPDATE
Announcer: And now, History Update with anchorperson Bill Straitman.{However, this isn't the usual History Update newsdesk set we're in, this is more like a talk show set with Bill sitting in one of the chairs}
Bill: Good evening, I'm Bill Straitman, and here's the sadly real news. We have no more history events to spoof here on History Update, and if we spoofed current events from today, that Saturday night show would sue us more than usual. So instead, we've decided to revamp the show and focus on history by talking to an historical figure from the past. Tonight's guest is none other than the special friend of Froggo himself, dictator, tyrant, and sitcom star Joseph Stalin.{We see Joseph Stalin, who will actually be voiced in his original voice provided by Maurice LaMarche and not voiced by Tim Curry, sitting next to Bill}Thank you for coming here and killing time on our desperate format, Mr Stalin.
Stalin: Fine fine, just make it quick cause I got other killings to do later.{The crowd boos}Hey come on, you know I'd say that, he set it up too perfect for me!
Bill: Okay then. So, um.....you remember when you were dictator of the Soviet Union?
Stalin: Yes, I think I do.
Bill:{Pause}That wasn't awesome.
Stalin: Well, I didn't hear anyone important complaining at the time, so there!
Bill: Oh come on, you oppressed.....what was that? Stick to the script or lose this spot, revamped or not? Oh fine, have it your way! The things I do to get a spot on TV.{Clears his throat}So, um....you remember when you overthrew Trotsky and took over Russia?
Stalin: I do, but he isn't in any shape to do that anymore, ha ha!
Bill:{Grimacing}That must have been awesome for you.
Stalin: Well....yes!{Laughs}
Bill: Okay, next question for the happy despot.{Pause}You remember when, when the Germans invaded Russia and got frozen to death before they could fight you and your army?
Stalin: Well, I wasn't there personally but I got a laugh out of hearing the story later on!
Bill: Um....I guess since those were evil Nazis freezing, that might be a little awesome.
Stalin: That it was, those Germans can freeze good, like that Mr Freeze guy!
Bill: As played by Austrian Arnold Schwarzenegger. Did.....did you see T3?
Stalin: Yes, I caught time to see it, after all since you're technically dead you have a light schedule.
Bill: You remember when the Terminator/governer fought the Terminatrix woman and smashed her head in a toilet?
Stalin: I believe so.
Bill:{Pause}Lydia told me that wasn't awesome. And technically I didn't see the movie so I can't argue with her, I was just trying to kill time.
Stalin: Again, an opening for another kill joke! Only this time, I'll use it as a reference to how I killed in the Toasty Histeria Picture Show!
Bill: Yes, you did have a dead on impression of Tim Curry to show us.{Pause}You remember when you did the Tim Curry impression on the set for the first time? That was awesome.
Stalin: You were never on the set, you weren't even in the movie.
Bill: Well the people that were on the set told me it was awesome later. They remembered that movie very well actually.{Pause}You-
Stalin: Yes, I remember torturing Cho-Cho and Lucky Bob, nearly killing Loud, and getting zapped away by FDR! Oh, and I remember the whole Loud/Charity/Froggo love triangle that started on the set, I remember all the signs that they would almost kill each other later, and I remember everything else you're gonna ask me about that film!
Bill:{Pause}Wow, that is awesome. Okay, we got time for a few phone calls, hello!
Loud:{V.O}HI BILL!!!
Bill: Oh, hi Loud. You have a question for Joe Stalin?
Loud:{V.O}HEY JOE, YOU'RE ONE OF THE.....UM, ONE OF THE BEST IMPRESSIONISTS BUT MEANEST, UH, WHAT'S THE WORD......DARN, I MESSED UP A PERFECT INSULT, I AM SO STUPID!!!
Stalin: You sure are, next!
Pepper:{V.O}Wow, hi Joe, I can't believe I got through to call you, AH HA HA!! You remember that one time where I thought you were Snidely Whiplash and I asked you for an autograph thinking you were Snidely Whiplash and you weren't?!
Stalin: Yes, unfortunatly.
Bill: You sound familar, did you call last week when FDR? You remember when you thought FDR was Dr Strangelove and you asked him to make the Nazi salute with his crippled hand?
Pepper:{V.O}I did?
Bill: Oh right, that's what we're gonna have you do next week, sorry I asked and gave spoilers away, thank you. Well, I think we're thanfully out of time, thank you for showing up on short notice, Mr Stalin. Any last words?
Stalin: Yes. You've all had your fun making me like a Tim Curry voiced kook, instead of the ruthless totalitariam dictator I really am. Well, just be very careful that you don't meet me in person, because I need some kind of big stunt to remake my image as a tough customer, and a good big stunt would be to make you and your pounds disappear, perminantly!{Laughs and then Chit comes in}
Chit:{With the same goofy accent}Yeah, now it's time for Stalin to disappear perminantly, y'all!{Fetch runs in}
Fetch: Ah, more ugly nails, how delicious!{Fetch barks and lunges at Stalin, who then has to run away from him}
Bill: That was awesome. Chit Chatterson and Fetch, everybody!
Chit:{Normal}Can I start acting and sounding normal now?
Bill: Sadly, yes. But until then, for History Update I'm Bill Straitman, good night and have a pleasant rest of the day.
Chit: Hey, you remember when you told me it was sad that I could act normal again, is that some kind of insult?{Bill and Chit chat and then argue as we FTB}
********
(Soon after the credits. Told you this was one of the "Best of..." episodes)
THE END
CREDITS
Gene Hackman: Himself
David Spade: Himself
John Cleese: Himself
Trey Parker: Eric Cartman, Mr. Garrison
Mike Myers: Dr. Evil, Fat B***ard
Verne Troyer: Mini-Me
Amanda Bynes: Herself
Will Ferrell: Himself
Tim Curry: Himself
Richard O'Brien: Himself
David Warner: Himself
Eric Idle: Himself
Matt Stone: Mr. Slave
Cody Ruegger: Loud Kiddington
Laraine Newman: Charity Bazaar, Miss Information
Tress MacNeille: Toast, Pepper Mills, Cho-Cho, World's Oldest Woman
Jeff Glen Bennett: Lucky Bob, Nikola Tesla
Rob Paulsen: Sammy Melman
Frank Welker: Father Time, Pule Houser, Fetch, Announcer
Nora Dunn: Lydia Karaoke
James Wickline: Bill Straitman
Billy West: Chit Chatterson, Confucius
Maurice LaMarche: King Romulus, Joseph Stalin
Nathan Ruegger: Froggo
Cree Summer: Aka Pella
*******
Again, a thanks to Robert for allowing me to do this. Thank you Robert. The characters belong to Warner Bros. or any other studio, so please don't sue or get me banned or something. And finally...please read and review. Thank you.
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