{Cut to the front of the school, as we see the older Kip Ling greet some parents}
Kip:{Still as James Earl Jones}And enjoy your stay and learning about your children more, parents. Enjoy now...{Sees the Histerians cars}Ah, here they are.
{He walks up to the street as the cars park}
Kip: So here are the parents of the heroes of tomorrow!
Loud:{Coming out first}I hope you're a worse predicter of the future than a principal.
Charity: We're not into hero stuff tonight, Kip, we're just here to meet the other people teaching our kids.
Kip: Of course, of course....you'll be able to meet all of them and get a sense of your kids progress before the night is through.
Froggo: Excellent, so where do we start?
Kip: Just follow me.
{They head inside the school, and once they get to the halls they see Vice Principal Hugh Dummy[Hugh Grant]inside}
Kip: Ah, but first you might as well officially meet this guy.
Hugh: Must they?
Kip: Remember, I promised you that you'd only have to see them for a minute, then avoid them the rest of the way.
Pule: So this is the vice principal who isn't a fan of us?
Hugh: Well....in a manner of speaking.
Loud: And who hates our kids for no other reason?
Hugh: I'm pretty sure you haven't received all the facts yet...
Charity: And who wouldn't lift a finger if our kids were actually in real danger in this school?
Hugh: Oh now, you're just putting words in my mouth! No surprise from-
Kip: And that's a minute! You may now never see them again, just like you wanted.
Hugh: I probably still will, with my luck...just stay clear of me if we happen to be in the same room again.
Aka: Yes Mr-
Hugh:{Snaps}I am not a huge dummy!!
Aka:{Pause}Um....if you say so.
Kip: He'll cool off in a moment...while he does that, let's go on with the tour.
(Back at the house, the kids giggled as they sneak over to the couch. Mike is on it asleep.)
BB: (whispering) Kelly, the shaving cream.
(Smiling Kelly gave the shaving cream bottle to her boyfriend, who then proceeds to spray some on Mike's hand. With a nod, BB next gave the signal to Leon who is behind the couch.)
Leon: I'm ready.
(Leon takes out a feather, then he uses it to tickle Mike's nose. The babysitter did not respond at first. Then Leon does it again. This time Mike swack at his face. The result? Some cream landed on his face. The kids try not to laugh as Leon tickled another part of his face. Mike hits himself with cream again. He still doesn't know this as he goes back to sleep.)
Crow: Okay, kiddies. Time to play a game of Hide and Go Seek!
Cinnamon: Dude, we don't wanna played that game!
Leon: Yeah! It's for kids!
Mike: So? You're kids.
Gene Berry: Well, that's kinda true.
Tom Servo: Come! We will hide and you try to find us!
BB: (smirking evilly) Sure. Why not?
Smiling Kelly: We will count first, okay?
(The kids begins to count. The MST3K cast goes to hide. They quickly hide in the closet. Toadster, peeking, smirks as he goes over to the closet, locks it, and puts a chair to bar it)
{Cut back to the school as the Histerians wander the halls}
Froggo:{Looks through a door}Hey, this looks familar..
{We see Joseph Stalin in the room, chewing out the other parents}
Stalin: And how dare you parents actually let your kids come in my class with capitalist toys like sneakers and bookbags and shirts! How am I supposed to teach them when their brains have been brainwashed before I can wash them?!
Parent: Well-
Stalin: This is why school system fail, you don't prepare your kids for life and leave me having to do everything!
Froggo:{Coming in}Not that you mind that part, huh?
Stalin: Ah, little buddy, perfect example! This is example of student that actually overcame capitalist bias! I'm not saying your kids will be famous heroes if you do what I say. But I am saying they'll actually live to reunite with me 20 years later if they do! Point taken?
{The parents nod quickly}
Froggo: Glad I could be of service...
Stalin: Good, you go have your fun now! In the meantime, I have next stage of my conference to get into, entitled "The downfall of a labor camp free class to education"
{Froggo rolls his eyes and goes. Meanwhile, we see Loud and Charity go into another classroom, where Nikola Tesla is}
Tesla: Ah, more parents! Maybe...you'll understand the values of a "Death Ray Economics" class...better than those other parents did.
Charity: Death ray...economics.
Tesla: That's the tone the others had, so I don't like the sound of that! I know...at least some of those kids realize how death rays can increase the gross national produce of countries....10 fold in 6 months!
Loud: And you actually teach them math to back that up?
Tesla: What now? Come on...that wasn't in the job description when I was hired. And they call me crazy...at least I'm honest about my goals of creating mass destruction!{Loud and Charity shrug and head off}
(Back at the Kiddington houses, some of the kids are preparing to party while BB is on the phone)
BB: Yeah, I'd like 25 pizzas delivered to the home of Loud Kiddington and Charity Bazaar. And...yes, this is their house. I want it to be Pepperoni and Cheese. Put it on the amount of Mike Nelson. (hangs up)
Toadster: You think we will get in trouble for doing this?
BB: Who cares? Having this much fun is worth is!
Cinnamon: I got the bored games!
(The phone rang. BB picks up)
BB: Hello?
Loud: (V.O.) Hey, it's dad, BB. Just checking up on you.
BB: Oh, hey dad. How's the parent-teacher conference?
Loud: (V.O.) Doing fine. We just finished up with Tesla and is about to speak to our country's founder right now.
BB: That's good. NO NO, GENE! THAT GOES OVER THERE!
Loud: (V.O.) BB? Who are you talking to?
BB: Just Gene. We're playing...a game.
Loud: (V.O.) Can I speak to Mike, Tom, and Crow?
BB: Not really, they're detained...(closet door is heard breaking) Oh wait. Not anymore. Uh, dad? I gotta go.
(He hangs up just as the MST3K crew came in)
Crow: Okay, what's the big idea?!
Mike: Yeah! Why did ya kept us in the closet?
Leon: Dogpile on the babysitters!
(The kids jumped on the MST3K guys and knocked them to the ground)
{Cut back to the school, as the Histerians are now in a class headed by George Washington}
Washington: It was so huge, that the federal government stood back in envy!{Pause}Get it, cause it's so big that anything bigger would be really really big? Isn't that wild?{Pause}Sheesh, you try being the father of our country for 250 years and see how much new material you have left.
Charity: We'll get right on it. Now, about our kids?
Washington: Oh yeah! They are the future of helping the place I created stay alive, all right.
Aka: So how are they doing here now?
Washington: Well, they all remember that the monument was named after me, for one thing. That puts them in pretty good graces right there.
Pule: How good are they with other stuff?
Washington: Oh, they're real talented at making stuff! They had an assignment where they needed to carve....stuff to put in the mouth, and they completed it great and only got a few splinters outta it!{Smiles with his wooden teeth}
Cho-Cho: So that's why her hands were sore that afternoon.
Washington: Hey, my choppers are grateful to her for that! It was either that or another supply of Packydents, and my legs were so broken from the last time I used those elephants.{Pause}I said, my legs were so broken!
Toast: We hear you, ex President man.
Loud:{Pause}How broken were they?
Washington: Even more broken than our national deficit!{Pause}The political stuff not working for you today, huh? I told Lincoln the "How blank was it" stuff wouldn't go over with the younger set! Maybe he just has better practice at it than me...or maybe audiences in the 1860's were too desperate for laughs.{The Histerians get up and leave}At least I figured it out before the Christmas special.
Smiling Kelly: Relax, Mr. Nelson. BB put it on your account.
Crow: Good idea! No need for your parents to worry about your debts!
Mike: Oh... (gets out credit card and give it to pizza man)
Pizza man: (looking at card) Uh, hold on dude. I need to scan this or something.
Cinnamon: Yeah, guys like them don't deal with American Express.
Mike: Ohhhhhh!
(It took 5 minutes or so until the pizza man)
Pizza man: Uh, here you go. (gives credit card back) No charge.
Mike: (confused) No charge? But what about...
Pizza man: Gah, I missed the deadline! The pizzas has to be here in 30 minutes or less or it's free. I kinda got lost and they came here in 35 minutes. Man, my bosses are going to killed me!
{Cut back to school as the H! adults are now in a classroom with the Superwriters}
Hemmingway: I assure you, the future super authors of tomorrow are going to be just fine, if your kids are any example.
Dickenson: The girls could stand to throw in a few more grey skies in the atmosphere, though.
Moliere: And I swear, if I see one more short without a pie in ze face, I will plotz!
Loud: Other than those small problems, they're all good?
Hemmingway: A big 10-0 on that, old bean!
Aka: What about that old sourpuss Poe, does he show up in this class too?
Dickenson: Edgar is his usual nosy self, but he and his lacking in any real darkness style doesn't get to stick around too long.
Hemmingway: But he doesn't bother us any more, since the school staff found just the right place for him to spread his dark poetry....
{Cut to a room marked "Detention", where we see Edgar Allen Poe doing a reading for parents}
Poe: And then the happy little mouse's ears and feet were never seen again, the end!{Laughs}So, I know the blood was a little low in this one, but what do you think?
Parent: No wonder my kid stopped getting into trouble after he came here!
Parent 2: In this day and age, kids can really get straightened out after being in detention and hearing gory stories, therefore never wanting to get sent here again?
Poe: Must I reread the one about the doomed parakeet again?!
Parent 2: No, no, now I get it....oh, the poor thing....
Poe: Oh, that was nothing compared to how I freaked out those kids with the little kitty cat story! Let's go over it now!{Reads from a book}Chapter 1....the days before the little kitty cat had it's brain snatched out from it's head were simple ones.{The adults groan}Ah...it's almost worth only plotting Hemmingway's doom five times a week for this.
Pule: We should only have a few more classes left to go to, right? Which ones are left?
Charity: Let's see...there's French class, I remember that on the roster.
Aka: Oh, three guesses as to who's in that one.
{Cut to a classroom where we see Napoleon}
Napoleon: Today's lesson....part 130 of the lesson your kids have had for ze past 129 school days! Moi! Now, pop quiz question 1, who won ze battle of Waterloo?
Loud: Wellington.
Napoleon: Wrong, it was me! I am ze champion of ze world! It is my classroom, I get to rewrite history any way I want, and you kids are too stupid to know ze difference!
Froggo: You're teaching our kids, and we know everything about history. Don't you think we've already taught them you didn't win that battle?
Napoleon: Zhat's not what zhey tell me when zhey get ze answers right and I stop singing songs about me! Zhat's why I'm ze great teacher, and to zhem, ruler of ze world! Now, next question, who won World War II? I'll give you a hint, he's closer zhan you think...{Winks idiotically}
{Cut back to the hallway as the adults exit}
Toast: Next!
Pepper: Oh, there's the ancient civilizations class!
{Cut to another classroom, where we now see King Tut. He is speaking, but is muffled of course}
Loud: Um....so none of our kids are failing?{King Tut mumbles some more and jumps around}I don't follow, did they...play pranks on you?
{King Tut continues to talk unintelligably, pointing to books and desks and the chalkboard}
Aka:{Pause}So my kid is getting above a C, right?{King Tut slaps his forehead}
{Cut back to the halls}
Cho-Cho: What could be left now? We must have seen just about every possible class and old co star we know!
{Cut to yet another classroom, this time with it's desk covered in fire, and with General Sherman next to it}
General Sherman: Ha ha, my students are already burning wood at a 6'th grade level! We'll be ready to burn Ted Turner's house on our field trip next week in no time!
Charity: They actually let you burn down property in this school? That's nonsense!{A dinging sound is heard}
General Sherman: Ahhh!!!{Pause}I said, ahhh!! Come on, at least your kids can yell on the secret word cue, especially when their desks are on fire for class project time!
Aka: Now that's crazy!{Another dinging sound is heard}
General Sherman: Did one of the students sneak into my lesson plan and tell you tomorrow's secret word? Oooh, the one day I forget to burn it and look what happens!
Cho-Cho: And you're sure our kids only spend 7 1/2 hours a day here? How do they fit in so many classes anyway?
Susanna: I guess we can't compare it to our experiences...after all, we never got to spend much time in school.
Charity: I'm still guessing they do it differently now than if we saw things back then.
{Cut to a classroom with the set of "The Confusius Group" in the middle}
Confusius: Issue 1, the status of our debate club students, are they ready to outargue the most aggravating students alive, Ben Franklin?
Ben Franklin: Eh, well I'd say they'd really be up for a showdown with just about anyone. But heck, John Adams couldn't talk up a mule, and he helped beat the British anyway, so what do I know?
Confusius: Issue 2, is there any way to avoid getting paired up with you for absolutly no reason?
Parents:{Sitting nearby}No one knows...
Ben Franklin: So I keep hearing.
{Cut to the next class where Christopher Columbus is in front of a map}
Columbus:{Pointing to America}Your kids know exactly where America is every day, and for that I'm proud of them!{Pause}Of course, if I had that kinda teacher 500 years ago, I never would have messed up and gone there with that insane cabin crew for nothing!
Loud: Yeah...but then I guess none of us would be here and you wouldn't get to teach geography to begin with.
Columbus: That's right, give the guy who can't find the Indies on a map a job like this, that makes us for the utter loss of sanity on a failed voyage! No Indies and deranged crew, but at least I got a holiday outta it, right? I'll bet those kids are still laughing about it hundreds of years later too, while I'm stuck here reliving my lack of map reading every day!{Crying}Why won't the crow's neat yelling of water leave my brain?!
Charity:{Pause}Too sad to remember who exactly was in that bit....I'll count that as a lucky break.
Parents: Us too!{They leave quickly}
Columbus: Why does that sound more familar to me than my usual memories?{Pause}Agh, there's the crow's neat yelling in my brain again!
{Cut back to school as we see the adults running from a classroom}
Aka: Ooh, those Vikings are really thorough about teaching economics! They almost got too thorough, if you ask me.
Toast: I almost don't wanna go back in there to get my wallet!
Loud: On that note, I think that's the last class our kids go to. That means we can go home.
Kip:{Coming in}You got done already?
Charity: Looks that way. We met every teacher we could, we got what we wanted to know, so we should tell our kids the good news.
Kip: Very well, till the next conference we have then.
Toast: At least we'll be prepared with armor and stuff against these guys then! Were they really that crazy when we were on TV with them?
Froggo: Actually, I think Napoleon was subdued by comparison this time.
Hugh Dummy:{Coming on}They're leaving? At last, the hiding is over, I can be among civilization again! Good bye, scum of society we sadly haven't scraped off our boots yet!
Loud:{Pause}Actually, we could stick around for a little while longer. We have a lot of time to kill.
Dummy: No you don't, that's crazy talk!
Charity: I think he's right, we could see fit to stay for quite a bit. Maybe half hour, up to a full hour perhaps.
Dummy: Argh, and I already used the best hiding spots! What to do now?!
Pule: I think there's a real good room to hide in over there!{Points to the classroom}Trust me, no one will hear anything, or want to go in there to disturb you at all.
Dummy: Ha, I am saved! Let's see you try to poison my mind now!
{He runs into the Vikings classroom and the door is shut}
Dummy:{V.O}They'll never find me after I seal this shut! I am safely protected from all those monsters!{Pause}Wait...some parts of this room look too familar to me.{Another pause}Blimy...um, hello Vikings...look, if this is about the time I didn't actually let you steal everything I was wearing, I can explain...
{We hear the Viking sounds of pillaging and vagely see Dummy's panic through the door as he runs around from them}
Kip: Well, the rest of my night will be spent cleaning that up. You guys go have a more peaceful wrap up to your day.
(Back at the Kiddington household, the MST3K crew were reading magazines by the time the Histerians got back)
Toast: Yo dudes, what's up?
Crow: Hey, Toast! How's the conference?
Cho-Cho: It was something. How were things?
Mike: They were fine. They were juicy.
Charity: Nothing happen while we're gone, right?
Tom Servo: Nah. The kids are asleep upstairs.
Froggo: Good. We'd go get them and go home.
Loud: Man, what a night, eh? No bad things for once. For once again, nothing has gone wrong.
(Doorbell rings)
Charity: Who could that be?
(Charity answers the door. A cop is there)
Cop: Excuse me, miss? We got complaints from the neighbors about noises over here?
(Loud and Charity looks annoyed and turns to face the upstairs)
Loud and Charity: BB! GET DOWN HERE!
(Mike rolls his eyes in annoyance as we fade to black.)
The End
Cast list
Edward Norton: Loud Kiddington
Laraine Newman: Charity Bazaar
Cody Ruegger: BB Kiddington
Tress MacNeille: Smiling Kelly, Cho-Cho, Cinnamon, Toast, Emily Dickinson, Pepper Mills
Hynden Walch: Susanna Susquahanna
Frank Welker: Leon Houser, Edgar Allen Poe
John Goodman: Pule Houser
Luke Ruegger: Gene Berry
Lance Henriksen: Froggo
Michael J. Nelson: Mike Nelson
Kevin Murphy: Tom Servo
Bill Corbett: Crow T. Robot
Jeff Glen Bennett: Lucky Bob, Nikola Tesla, pizza man, Napoleon Bonaparte
James Earl Jones: Kip Ling
Hugh Grant: Vice Principal Hugh Dummy
Cree Summer: Aka Pella
Nathan Ruegger: Toadster
Maurice LaMarche: Joseph Stalin, George Washington, Christopher Columbus
Adam West: Ernest Hemingway
Billy West: Moliere, General Sherman, Confucius, Benjamin Franklin
Rob Paulsen: King Tut