The Revenge of the Villains 5: The H! Haters Leagues Wars
September 5 2007 at 6:31 PM
from IP address 71.79.225.189
Note: This story takes place in the year 2004.
(We fade in to a dusty old hideout. We go in and sees the new meeting of the H! Haters League. Among them are Hades (the new leader after Stark's "death" in the last RotV), Evil Butters, Pearl Forrester, Dudley Puppy, Jim Carrey, Dick Soaper, Megatron, Gossamer, Shadow Man, Dr. Laura Schlessinger, Metallo, Biff Tannen, The Launcher, Plankton, Carrie White, Scrappy-Doo, Evil Martin, the FCC Agents, The Evil Scientist (WB version), Maleficent, and Sideshow Bob)
Hades: Okay, babes. As you know, we have recovered after our bad timing with the Histerians the last time. But we can fix that, right?
Shadow Man: Providing of course, we have anything to fix.
Hades: Okay. New order of business?
Pearl: As you know, our former leader Stark is presumed dead while Imperial is dead...again. We knew new members to replace them!
Sideshow Bob: I know the perfect subsitute for one of them. Anyone hear is familiar with the Shredder?
The Launcher: Which one? The 80s or the new one?
Sideshow Bob: What do you think, you idiot?
The Launcher: Hey! I once rigged an election!
Metallo: Right, with Stewie Griffin's help and you still didn't beat Axel Foley!
Hades: Okay, okay. Who else?
Plankton: As a member of Nickelodeon, I suggested putting Denzel Crocker in this group.
Megatron: That insane teacher?! Why him?
Plankton: I don't know. Something about wanting revenge on the Histerians for something he can't recall.
Jim Carrey: Ha ha! Old Denzel never remember anything. Can he?
Hades: Okay, we will begin recruiting the new members once the meeting is done. New vice president Evil Butters, who looks like the lame butt Butters kid. You're up?
Evil Butters: Very well. I suggest we try a new tactic to ridding ourselves of those Histerian a**holes once and for all!
Soaper: (rolling eyes) How many times did we do that?
Evil Scientist: Gossamer, if you please.
(Gossamer smacks Soaper down, much to the delight of the others who laughs with cruelty)
Biff Tannen: Remind me again, why we havce that butthead around?
Evil Butters: My new suggestion is we gang up on them. The previous times we have some crazy plans that ended up blowing up in our faces!
Hades: Okay, so you suggest we just attack them and made them they don't try anything, right?
Evil Butters: Didn't I already said that?!
Hades: All in favor of an assault, say aye!
Voices: Aye!
Dudley: (low voice) Nay.
(The others looked at Dudley who pointed at Soaper)
Dudley: It was him.
Soaper: What?!
(Some of the members attacked Soaper as Dudley laughs at his beatings. We now cut to another hideout where another meeting is taken place. Another group of villains are gathered there as well. It consists of Him, Jafar, Iago, Mojo Jojo, Thaddeus Plotz, Jamie Kellner, Princess Morbucks, Seduca, Alpha, Hannibal Lecter, The Jolly Baker, Bernie the Dinosaur, Puppetmon, Bane, Cave-Guy, The Joker, Hak Fu, King Bowser Koopa, Cruella De Vil, Ursula, Captain Hook, Chernabog, Krankor, and Moe Szyslak)
Alpha: Okay, what's going on? Is this around pathetic meeting like the last time?
Moe: How should I know? I wasn't here the last time?
Him: (f.v.) Ahem. Now you know why we're here, correct?
Others: No.
Kellner: If it's about trying to split up another couple so we can get rid of the Histerians faster, it's been tried already.
Plotz: Well, we didn't do much, sir!
Him: (e.v.) SILENCE! (f.v.) This time it's much different. We are going to form...(e.v.) THE NEW H! HATERS LEAGUE!!!!
Puppetmon: (pause) Isn't there still one around?
Bane: Yeah. They nearly recovered from the last stuff they been in.
Him: Dear me, like you said, nearly recovered. Except there is no rules saying there should be only 1, correct?
Cave-Guy: I suppose not.
Him: Good...now then, it's time we all form together to (e.v.) RID OURSELVES OF THOSE HISTERIANS FOREVER!!!!!!!
Princess: Are we going for one of those cruel laughs?
{Cut to outside Hades's hideout, as we see him come out and see his band of villains behind him. They march in place as they head out}
Hades: Onward to undisputed glory for evil!
{Cut to Him and his band of villains marching as well}
Him:{f.v}Onward to victory for us and us alone!
{We see the two groups of villains march some more- then they suddenly stop when they are in sight of each other, and in fact are now next to each other}
Hades:{Pause}Okay, usually you're not supposed to see unpleasent sights until after the battles start, so this can't be good.
Him:{f.v}Well, if it isn't the so called master of the underworld....{Giggles}Come to be our audience for our triumph over people far more intimidating than you?
Hades: Yeah, sure, I'm the most feared creature ever to exist and I'm just here to be an audience member for Mr effimate pretender here, that makes all the sense in the world. Look, we're kinda on a schedule, so can we trade insults and ego boosting after my friends and I destroy Histeria? I mean, even I have to have priorites here.
Jafar: It appears life as a Disney villain has finally driven you to madness, my wise acre friend. It is I and my associates that are off to destroy those witless ex stars today.
Metallo: Not before we do, you mean! You can play with the remains, but we're doing the actual killing!
Plotz: Now that's absurd! Those used to be me and Kellner's employees, so it's our duty to destroy them!
Jim Carrey: By the power of 23, I say nay!{People laugh}Why do I keep trying?
Hades: All right, this is really wasting time I could be spending making the Histerians heads into bowling balls, so go start moving it.
Him: Your group had it's chance, and it failed miserably. You think we're gonna let you fail and give them too much confidence before we go after them?{e.v}That will not happen!
Hades: Oh, like you have friends with a perfect record yourself, red boy!
Him:{f.v}That won't matter after we tear them apart first!
Hades: And I'm supposed to let you steal our revenge from us with no questions asked, then?
Him: Who said I'm asking you?
Moe: So what gives, are we smashing those kids in or these guys?
Sideshow Bob: It appears, my hot tempered co-star, that we have reached an impass. Both groups here want to destroy a common enemy, but they won't agree who will get to do it.
Princess: Oh, just bribe the blue haired freak and let's get going!!
Plankton: You think I came out of the water to let you steal my glory?!
Iago: You think I switched sides for the......probably 20'th time to be turned back by amateurs like you?!
Megatron: Who are you calling amateurs, talking pigeon?
Hannibal Lecter: He meant you....you obviously can't hear, so losing your ears won't make much difference to you.
Crocker: Oh no, I'm not losing my abilities to hear fairies without a fight! FAIRIES!!
{The two groups of villains now all start arguing and look ready to fight each other}
Hades: All right, we gotta do a little more brawling and cutting heads off than we planned earlier, but that's nothing!
Evil Butters: I came here from my world to kick the s@!t out of do gooders, not fellow evil people!
Pearl: Then go back there if you're not up for it! Oh wait, that's right, you already got beat by bratty kids over there!
Evil Scientist: My weapons are specified to combat the Histerians, but with time and a few alterations, they could work on our competition.
Launcher: So what are we waiting for, the faster we smash them, the faster we crush our real targets skulls!
Hades: Fine, we're in agreement, let's get ready to-{Suddenly the ground they're standing on is lifted up with them on it}be really confused...
Him:{Flying up in front of them}Ah, what a delightful bit to show what amateurs you all are! Jafar, do the honors.
Jafar: With nearly equal pleasure as I will have doing this to Histeria later!
{Jafar sends a blast of fire to Hades's group, and Hades isn't able to block it in time. At that moment, Him has the floating concrete below them turn around, and it squishes them into the ground}
Him: Sweet victory number one!
Lydia: Well, what an idea this turned out to be for them.
Mojo: Quit your nasel noises of complaint and be torn apart with optimal silence!
Miss Info: No way, those guys keep coming back over and over after we beat them! Why would they give up after one blast against you guys?
Hades:{V.O, as the ground starts to rumble}Finally got one right at the last minute, I see!
{The ground shakes some more for a second, and then Hades's group blasts through the ground that Him and his group were on. Those villains fly up in the air from the impact, then land next to Hades's group}
Plankton: Looks like we're even now!
Scrappy Doo: Not for long, though!
Loud: Come on Him, are you gonna go back to the underworld humilated like this? Cause losing really really early would do just that!
Charity: At least take your time finishing them off, Hades! That kinda death hurts more!
Hades: You guys are the only ones that have earned harsh, brutal bye byes. These guys I'd rather flick off like bugs. So with that said, bugs....
{Cut to the Histerians, except for Lydia, sitting on some couches nearby}
Lydia: You're sitting on couches that somehow fit in a man's pants, and that doesn't bother you! I knew already it probably doesn't bother Melissa, but still!
Toast: Hey, if the ground was more comfy than this couch, he wouldn't have had to pull it outta his pants in the first place, dude.
Lydia:{Sighs}Well, what's the status of this fight so far? Is any side really winning?
Loud: Looks like The Shredder's got some good moves, so that's an advantage for....wait, who's side is he on again?
Aka: I think I saw him with Hades a second ago, but he could have just been thrown back after the Jolly Baker shoved him.
Charity: So that would put him in Him's camp?
Sammy: If Plotz and Kellner are in there, then that's my group to pull for! At least I can bargain with those people if they're in a position to slaughter us.
Froggo: You worked with them for years and you still think they're reasonable?
Sammy:{Pause}Okay, for the first time ever and the last, you got me on something.
Froggo: I'll let you think that, then.
Smartypants: All right, I think I got it straight. Evil Butters, Pearl Forrester, Dudley Puppy, Jim Carrey, Dick Soaper, Megatron, Gossamer, Shadow Man, Dr. Laura Schlessinger, Metallo, Biff Tannen, The Launcher, Plankton, Carrie White, Scrappy-Doo, Evil Martin, the FCC Agents, The Evil Scientist (WB version), Maleficent, and Sideshow Bob are with Hades. Everyone else is with Him!
Cho-Cho:{Trying to write this down}Wait, who did you say it was after Plankton?
Pepper: I got lost keeping the names straight after Metallo, ah ha ha!
{A blast is heard and we see Hannibal being knocked into view}
Loud: Hey, you're with Him, right?
Hannibal: Only because Hades's group has more juicy brains. I'll be back for yours after they're sliced away.{Goes off}
Loud: Now that was.....kinda too spooky for me.
Miss Info: We can't really root for anyone here, can we? Whoever wins will try to kill us next, even if they get tired!
Tom: My best guess is that whatever side looks like they're going to win, we root for the other to prolong the battle as long as possible.
Aka: What if they're too evenly matched? What if none of them gets ahead of the other?
JusSonic: Then that actually works for us.
Toast: Do we gotta actually stay here and see it if it goes on too long? I can't kick back and zone out with all this fire around, can't they knock each other out quicker?
Robert: If they were that considerate, they wouldn't be villains...maybe all that combined hate and power in one war will be too much to handle for them.
Pearl: Well, the FCC Agents, Tannen, and Soaper got knocked unconscious. No big losses. Carrey is stuck being hug by Bernie.
Bernie: I love ya so much!
Carrey: Gah! Get him off, get him off!!!!
Evil Martin: Oh you baby.
(Evil Martin causes a blast to knock out of his cane and set the dinosaur on fire. Bernie yelps as he lets Jim go and runs off)
Bernie: THAT IS NOT NICE AT ALL!!!!
Hak Fu: (jumping towards The Launcher) I shall break you in two!
The Launcher: Ha! Let me show you why I am called "The Launcher"!
(The Launcher pushes a button and a missle appears on his back. He aims carefully and he fires. An explosion occurred sending Hak Fu crashing into a wall)
Pearl: Well, so far, we have a chance.
Hades: Good work, Secretary Forrester.
Dudley: (gets a bazooka) I am ticked off because my moment to shine woulda been up but it was stop thanks to no good hack writers!
Bane: And why should I care??? You're just a dumb mutt who don't deserved villain stardom like we real villains too!
Dudley: Shut up!
(Dudley fires at Bane but that didn't stop him. Bane charges and punches the puppy hard. Chernabog swipes at Evil Butters but missed)
Evil Butters: Ha ha ha! You missed, you motherf***er! And now, it's time to unleash my terror before I go back to get revenge on my p***y self!
JusSonic: (pause) Okay, Rob. Why did you made him for your South Park stories?
Robert: You know why. I didn't think I would see again.
Mike: (eating popcorn) How long until this show is over?
Crow: That depends on which of the leaders would fall first.
(Hades shoots out fireballs at Him and the Joker. Both dodged them.)
The Joker: (taunting) Miss me, miss me, now you gotta...
Scrappy Doo: Come on, my puppy power can do some damage here, but I can't do it alone! Don't we got some magic to zap them into dust or something?!
Carrey: The magic of Hollywood would put it some great CGI effects to slaughter them by now....if I actually had access to it from here.{Pause}How about you send me outta here, and I'll get a director to gimmie 200 million dollars of special effects and finish this thing? I'll need my usual 25 million dollar check first, though.
Jafar: All right then, go out then if you want to?
Carrey:{Pause}Wait, we're in a ring of fire. If I leave somehow, I'll get burned up coming back in.
Jafar: Be sure to scream loud enough when you do!
{Jafar sends a zap of magic towards Carrey and it hits him, and makes him disappear. We then see him outside the ring of fire}
Carrey: Hello? You got some kinda door for me to use?{Pause}Don't make me get Schumacher over here!{Cut back to the ring of fire}
Him:{f.v}Why Jafar, is that all the spring cleaning you're going to do for us today?
Jafar: Oh no....about 25 more uses of my broom should do it!
{Jafar quickly zaps the FCC agents and Evil Martin, and they are transported outside the fire as well}
Hades: No fair, those are my lower ranked lackeys! Let's at least make this fair!{Now Hades zaps Ursula, Cruella, and Moe}There, now we're even for one second.{Suddenly, Carrey, the agents, and Evil Martin reappear}All better and unfair for me!
Carrey:{On a cell phone}Joel, I'll have to call you back, but stay near the phone.{Hangs up}
Jafar: Oh no you don't, Riddler!
Joker: Don't demean us by bringing that second rate pretender into this!
{Jafar zaps Carrey, the agents, and Evil Martin outside the ring again. Hades then zaps Ursula, Cruella, and Moe out}
Moe:{V.O}Hey, I ain't cut out for this traveling back and forth stuff, not sober I ain't!
Ursula:{V.O}Quit your whining, this isn't how I envisioned being on dry land either!
Evil Martin:{V.O}You just-{He and his band of villains are zapped back in by Hades}Whoh, that's some trip...
{Hades and Jafar take turns zapping the other's villains out, then zapping their villains back in. This goes on for a while until they're all zapped in, and they start stumbling around before they can be zapped out again}
Carrey: Whoo!! Now that's exhausting!
Evil Martin: Now you know what it's like to see your movies....
Carrey: If I wasn't totally spent from being zapped by magical evil creatures, I'd hit you with my Golden Globes....
Cruella: Like that's scary, you furless freak...
FCC agent 2: That was dangerously close to...something we could bleep out...{The 6 affected villains collapse}
Mike: Well, there go the first ones.
Tom: They're still all even up with active members though.
Evil Butters: The h**l with this! I'm not wasting my talents on these evil losers, I wanna smash some "good" losers! Can't we just blast them to oblivion now and get it over with?
Hades: Now now, little boy that looks like another lame and whiny little boy, I wanna do some limb tearing too. But we gotta stop these even lamer people from doing it first.
Evil Butters: Then hold them back, if you're so powerful and great! I'm taking them down now!
{Evil Butters rushes towards the Histerians and grabs Loud and Charity}
Charity: Hey, you're supposed to go after them now! Those are the rules you people made!
Evil Butters: **ck the rules!{To Lydia}One word outta you and you're next!
Him:{f.v}Hey, who's insulting the censor other than us?{Sees Evil Butters, e.v}WHAT?!! Your side is breaking the deal already?!!
Evil Butters: I'm trying to break their necks instead, so do you mind?!
Him:{e.v}Their necks are MINE TO BREAK!!!{Mostly everyone else cringes in terror from that}
Evil Butters:{Scoffs}Oh yeah, like that's at all scary. Get real, you cross dressing **tch!
Mojo: Now see here, no annoying little brat is going to kill the other brats before us! Put them down now!
Evil Butters: Make me!
Princess: Well, if you insist!
{Princess jumps up and pushes Evil Butters down, then he lets go of Loud and Charity}
Evil Butters: Dumb **ch who needs a good slapping!
{Just then, one of Seduca's hair strands grabs Evil Butters and flings him up in the air. He lands on the ground and then Mojo jumps up and lands on him, pointing his guns at him}
Mojo: Cease your movements temporarily or for good, your decision!
Evil Butters: Never!
Seduca: How about now, then?{One of her hair strands goes around his neck}
Evil Butters:{Strained}No....**ss off!{With that, Seduca chokes him a bit harder, and he passes out}
Seduca: At least I'm still consicious to do that.{She has him thrown away}
Charity: You three saved us...
Princess: What are you talking about?! You're still alive for us to bash you!
Loud: And to do that, you saved our lives and stopped him from killing us. No matter what reason you had for doing it....you stopped us from dying.'
Seduca:{Pause}We did? But, but....we wanted to kill them first!
Loud: It doesn't matter, we're alive because of you!
Mojo: It was us who prevented their death? The very people who swore to destory have now prevented destruction? We who are evil have now done a measure of good? To save the people we have promised to obliterate?!{Pause}NOT AGAIN!!!
Princess: I don't wanna do something good for someone else, I don't wanna!!
Seduca: It's too late, the damage's been done!
Mojo: We have failed the cause of evil! Even more than usual!{The three villains just sit in silence and shame}
Him:{f.v}Then serve the cause by taking it out on Hades's gang!
Mojo: What's the point, we'll probably wind up just helping the good guys anyway. Probably by wasting so much energy that we couldn't destroy them, even if we win.
Princess: I need money to restore my greed quick, give it here now!
Seduca: My precious hair used to save people....it won't recover for days because of this!
Him:{Growling}Fine, I didn't really want to share the glory with other Townsville people anyway!{He zaps Mojo, Princess, and Seduca out of the ring of fire}
Hades:{Laughs}Now you're doing good stuff for other people too! That's 3 less people for us to get by now, thank you good guy!
Him:{e.v}That's the last lucky break you'll ever live to see!!
(Dr. Laura jumps in and jumps Hannibal. Puppetmon fires blasts at Metallo who blocks them with his own shots. Bane collides with Shadow Man while Captain Hook clashes swords with Dudley who got a sword of his own.)
Megatron: (to Chernabog) It's you and me, Baldy.
Chernabog: Don't called me that!!!!
(Chernabog swoops in and fights Megatron.)
Toast: Dudes, who has lost whose guys?
Cho-Cho: I believed Hades's lost 7 while Him losts 11.
Sammy: I know how to even things up. (to Bowser) Hey turtle guy!
Bowser: What do you want?!
Sammy: How about you go for the big boss? You know what they say, the leader falls, they all fall.
Bowser: Hmmm....you probably got an idea there.
Loud: SAMMY, ARE YOU CRAZY?!
JusSonic: Do we really need an answer to that one?
Sammy: No, just smart.
Aka: Uh...smart?
(Bowser gets into his shell as he spins towards Hades. The lord of the underworld saw him coming and quickly put Crocker, Scrappy-Doo, and Plankton)
Crocker: Hey!
Plankton: What are you doing?!
(Crocker, Scrappy-Doo, and Plankton yelps as Bowser rams into them, knocking the villains out. The downs are now 11-11.)
Sammy: There, now we got an even field.
Him: Okay, Melman. The next time you talk...(e.v.) YOU DIE!!!!
{As the battle continues, Jafar now starts to take out people in Hades's camp. His magic knocks out Gossamer, the Scientist, and Dudley in quick order}
Megatron: Your supernatural powers are no match for my metallic glory!
{Hundreds of lasers come out of Megatron's body and aim at Jafar- who just points at him. Megatron then falls into several pieces}
Megatron:{Pause}It isn't fair....I didn't even get a movie!
Jafar: Then be thankful I finished you before you got to "direct to video" status.{He has the Megatron parts zapped away}
Loud: Uh oh....Jafar's on too big of a roll here.
Tom: Any more of one and we'll be up against him in minutes!
Froggo: There's not many people left in Hades's group to give him trouble, anyway.
Him:{f.v}Quite right....Jafar, mind doing away with rest of the second rate trash now?
Jafar: I believe I have a good enough broom for the job.
Hades: Oh come on, you might have enough to sweep them away, but not them and me all at once!
Jafar: Who said I needed to do that?
{Jafar zaps all of the other members of Hades's group at once, and lifts them up into the air}
Joker:{Laughs}And thus we come to the end of our little pre war war! With no more protection, you won't take us all out before we get to you, Hades!
Hades: Not that they've been good protection thus far, but still!{To Jafar}I can mess you up before you get rid of them!
Jafar: If you're wrong, you'll lose the whole thing!
Hades: Then let's get those dice rolling...
{Hades and Jafar stare each other down, as Hades's people stay frozen in the air. Finally Hades shoots a bolt of magic, and Jafar shoots magic at Hades's people in response. But Hades's magic collides into Jafar's, and it deflects right onto Jafar- making him disappear}
Hades: Oh yeah, that's some old school magic whooping! No genie powers can beat the real deal from my neck of the woods!{Has his people lowered back down to the ground}Now then, care to thank my generousity by actually beating people up so I don't gotta?
{Hades's group cheers, then Jafar pops back in}
Jafar: Did you actually think I'd stay out of here after that?! I'm not bound by the lamp anymore, so I don't see how you could honestly think I'd be defeated so easily!
Hades: Well, who said I needed a lamp for that?
{Hades makes a big jar appear, then fly up and land on Jafar, shoving him inside. It then shrinks down to a small size, and Hades has it closed, leaving Jafar trapped inside}
Jafar: No, no!! This is even more cramped than the lamp!
Hades: Hey, you wanted more comfy living space, you should have opened your mouth for something other than empty threats. See you next time, Jaffie!
Jafar: You dare to-{Jafar is zapped away}
Iago: Wow, that sure wasn't a good thing for us!
Hannibal: Well, go on and send him back and release him, Him.
Him:{f.v}He must think we'll fall apart without a genie to protect us. He thinks so little of us that he thinks that'll break us!{e.v}We don't need a genie to break the likes of you!!
Him: (f.v.) I was saving this to crush the Histerians but I think now is the appropriate time...(e.v.) TO DO THIS!
(Him waves his fingers and suddenly members of his own league begins to disappeared)
Hannibal: What is going on?
Cave-Guy: I feel like someone...is absorbing me.
(The remaining members of the Him's league disappeared and suddenly Him transforms. He turns into a giant four headed monster with spikes all over himself. His claws are both flamy and icy. He has smoke covered all over him. Him looks at Hades's league and giggled.)
Him: (f.v.) Shoulda let us destroyed the Histerians, Hades.
Hades: Okay...anyone got any ideas?
Pearl: Well, I know when I can't beat.
Carrie: Grrrr! Allow me!!!!
Hades: Oh yeah, Ms. "I Lose My Temper Every Few Minutes". You go get them.
Sideshow Bob: Is that going to work?
Hades: Over my dead body...which is ironic because I am immortal and all.
Him: (e.v.) Prepare to suffer, bad tempered girl!!!!
{Him slams the ground trying to squash Carrie, but she's able to get away}
Hades: Yeah, go, run around a limited space against a 10 foot tall monster, that'll show him he's going down!
Him:{f.v}Well, I don't want her to be sweaty from all that running. How about a little shower?
Lydia: Oh no no no, if that's leading to what I think it's leading to!
Charity: What's it leading to?
Lydia: Turn around so you never find out!
Charity: Well, if it's happening here I'm gonna find out anyway, so I might as well see what it is!
{We hear the sounds of something splashing, then the Histerians cringe}
Lydia: Ah, so now you see the dangers of not listening to me! It took someone getting pig's blood on her, but now you get it! It's probably too late, but better late than never!
Him:{f.v}Ah, the classics never die...at least one thing doesn't today.
Sideshow Bob: I'm far too high brow for trash like her movie, and yet even I know of the dangers you've opened yourself up to!
{Some rumbling is heard, and the colors start to change}
Him:{f.v}Like her angry psychic powers are big enough for me and the people living in me! Go on, do your worst!
{Just then, some of the fire around them flys over and hits Him. He stumbles a bit, then we see some cars flying above the ring of fire, and they fly down and hit Him as well}
Sammy: Aw, do you have to use my second Volvo for this, come on!
{Some of the ground now splits open, and Him falls through the crack. The ground then closes on him around his neck before he falls out of view. At that point, more fire and other material around the studio lands on Him's head}
Hades:{Pause}Well, I stand corrected, for the first time in a couple thousand years. That's good enough evil to give you dibs on smashing a couple of the adults when we start our real business.
Him:{f.v}This isn't fair, you can't declare victory yet! This is humilating, but I haven't conceded yet!
Hades: You're a hybrid of 10 freaks that's been beaten up by a picked on high school girl, how much more humilation do you need? Wait, don't answer that yet till Carrie gives you a bit more! If you please...
(With that, Carrie continues pounding Him in a way too gruesome to explain here. The villainess then gave out one more blast and an explosion occurred.)
Mike: What's going on?
Pule: I don't know! Tell me when it's over!
(Soon, Him lays dazed on the floor, along with the remaining members who are no longer part of him (so to speak))
Hades: Well?
Him: (f.v. dazed) Tell me when it's over.
Hades: Oh, it's over, babe. Just say it.
Him: (e.v. recovere) NE... (Carrie gave him a look, making him yelp) Okay, okay! Uncle, uncle!
Hades: Good. See? That's why there's room for one H! Haters League and that is my group. Now be a good demon and get you and your bums outta here! We got a job to do!
Him: (f.v. trembling) Yes sir.
(Him snaps, teleporting himself and his league out of the area.)
Loud: And the winner is Hades's group.
Miss Info: And that's not good.
Tom: Wait. This can still play in our favor.
Maleficent: My, my, what damage we cause.
The Launcher: Tell me about it. The battle has exhausted me.
Dr. Laura: But at least we got our prizes!
Hades: Okay, everyone. Get ready. We got some Histerians to cook.
{The Histerians now get up off the couch to stand up to what's left of Hades's band}
Aka: Well, they do still look ready to tear us up...
Loud: It's okay, we outnumber then now, we got a chance here. So....anyone think of something during the waiting?
Sammy: What?! You're the face of this group, you're supposed to think of the ideas here! Fine time to stop now!
Hades: Take them down before he speaks again!
{The villains run towards them, but the Histerians jump behind the couch and the villains run into it}
Maleficent: I'm not interested in actually chasing them for much longer! There are other way to catch the little people!
Miss Info: Hey, we're not all little people, you know!
{Maleficent then changes back into a dragon}
Maleficent: Care to correct that now?!
Miss Info:{Pause}Actually, I think we're a little busy right now.
Maleficent: Not for the reasons you're hoping!
{The Histerians start to head off, but Maleficent's giant tail slams down on the ground and blocks their way. They try to go around it, but Maleficent walks backwards and has the tail wrap around them, then she lifts them up in the air}
Mike: Well, it's clear she's still working at full strength!
Maleficent: Not really....but I don't plan to do any more heavy lifting today!
Hades:{Below Maleficent's tail with the rest of the villains}It's all right, babe, we can do the catching....or lack there of, from here!{The villains get out various weapons as Maleficent gets ready to drop the Histerians over them}
Tom: Okay, now at this point they should be tired.
Charity: But how are we going to get out of this one?
Loud: Simple. BOOM!
(Maleficent yelps causing her to let the Histerians go. Smartypants quickly pulls out an invention then press a button teleporting the Histerians on the other side of the villains.)
Hades: Ouch! Darn it, Maleficent! You are supposed to cover his mouth before stopping him!
JusSonic: What now?
Tom: Now we need to find a way to deal with one definitely!
Sideshow Bob: (appearing) How about I deal with you indefinitely?!
Froggo: Oh shut up!
(Froggo stomps on Sideshow Bob's foot making him yelp as he held it in pain.)
Sideshow Bob: Blast it all! It hurts worst the first time!
Sammy: Wait! I got an idea!
Lydia: (bored) You do?
Sammy: We could use their weaknesses against them! Plus, with them probably tired from the fight, we can use that to our advantage!
Dr. Laura: I don't know what you, but it won't work! My ninjas shal...
Miss Info: Enough of the ninjas, doc! Why not go at us yourself? Unless you're a coward...
{The groups split apart and head towards each other}
Pearl:{To the MST3K cast}I don't need any movies to take care of the likes of you now!
Mike: Yeah, what was up with that, anyway? You really thought awful movies would drive us crazy, and you kept doing it years after it was obvious they didn't.
Pearl: So what, movies are so awful that they had to drive people insane somehow!
Crow: How do you know that, if it didn't work on us? What makes you so convinced that movies can destroy someone's sanity, if you have no proof? You had to expose yourself to all those awful films first before you showed them to us....so you'd know better than anyone if they really were that evil.
Pearl: I, well....oh come on, those Z movies, those awful effects and those hands of fate?! They'd destroy anyone's brain!
Mike: Such as?
Pearl: Um, uh.....gah, all I can see now is those horrific black and white images of torturous film making! What evil they wrought on everyone but you people!
Mike: There, there, it's okay....you wanna take a nap so those images can go away for a while?
Pearl: Uh huh....
Mike: Good...{Crow trips her up, and she falls down and is knocked out}Nightie night, scrambled brain lady...
{Cut to the Shredder heading towards Froggo}
Froggo: Wait, before you shred me, do you have some seeds and a bowl I can borrow?
Shredder: For what possible purpose?
Froggo: I need to feed my pet turtles.{Gets out some turtles}Gotta make sure they're healthy before-
Shredder: You fool! You're not gonna have the chance to accidentally put them near ooze!
Froggo: Then maybe they need a good hiding place.
{He lifts up Shredder's sleeves and puts the turtles inside his shirt, making Shredder jump around}
Shredder: No, not even the regular turtles were this sneaky....or ticklish!{He laughs a bit as he starts rolling around on the ground}Oh, you'd think they'd be too slow to not get caught!
{Cut to Maleficent, still in dragon form, as she tries to crush the Histerians with her tail again}
Maleficent: Will you just stay still and get your skulls crushed before this takes too much out of me?! It's tiring enough being this heaby and not my usual thin, beautiful self!
Aka: Then just turn back into that....self.
Maleficent: And let you have an easier time crushing it?! How naive do you think I am, I'm a Disney villain back in the day when we had fire! Speaking of which....
{Maleficent tries to breathe fire on them, but it doesn't get very far}
Maleficent: What?! Oh come on, I know I have more of this in me!{Breathes harder, but less fire comes out}Come out and burn already!
{She breathes harder and harder, and the effort and heavy breathing starts to make her cough and choke. After a few more seconds of not being able to breathe, she passes out and lands on the ground}
Father Time: Who said you need a sword to beat up dragons? Simple asthma did just fine here.
Tom: That's three down, we got seven more left before we can call it a day!
The Launcher: Now you will see why I am called the Launcher! (presses a button and a rocket came on his back.)
Smartypants: Uh...shouldn't you be bothering the Warners or the Brain right about now?
The Launcher: I will once I finished you off! Fire!
(The Launcher fires his missiles. Mr. Smartypants pulls out a remote control from his back)
Smartypants: Let's hope this new invention of mine works...
(Smartypants pushes a few buttons and such. Suddenly the rocket turned around and is coming back at the shocked Launcher)
The Launcher: This is going to hurt. (Suddenly the rocket hits the villains and explodes. Soon the villain is standing up black and dazed) Why me? (Then falls)
Smartypants: Ah, my "return to sender" remote control really works. Remind me to sell this to the government.
(Sideshow Bob growls as he approaches Froggo)
Sideshow Bob: I shall teach you to stomp on my feet!
Pepper: (appearing) HA HA HA HA! It's you, it's really you! Can I please oh please have your autograph?!
Sideshow Bob: Well, it's about time someone...wait, you are just going to mistake me for someone else so you could distract me, are you?!
JusSonic: Too late. Pikachu?
Pikachu: (appearing) Pika...CHUUUUUU!
(Pikachu electrocutes Sideshow Bob and send him flyinh)
Sideshow Bob: (yelling) Curse you overused Anime rat!
(Sideshow Bob hits a building and fell unconscious.)
Pepper: Well, I found a new tactic: distract guys who know they are going to be distracted.
Froggo: Yep. Good work, Pikachu.
Pikachu: Pika. Pika Pi.
(We now see the Shadow Man advancing on Cho-Cho and Lucky Bob)
Shadow Man: Now it's time I deal with the enemies of those Nick babies!
Cho-Cho: You mean the Rugrats?
Shadow Man: Isn't that what I said?!
Cho-Cho: Why trying to killed us? How about a cookie? Wanna buy a cookie?
Lucky Bob: (shows cookie) Heeeeerre's cookie!
Shadow Man: I am not falling for any overused gags, thank you very much! I shall...
(Suddenly the Shadow Man yelps as he gets hit from behind, then he fell unconscious. We see who attacked him: it's Harry Norman.)
Cho-Cho: Good timing, Harry.
Harry: Sorry I didn't appear before. The author didn't seem to have time to be me in this fic.
JusSonic: (V.O.) I said I was sorry, okay?!
Lucky Bob: How did he do that now?
Harry: Never mind that now. Come on. We got villains to bring down.
Cho-Cho: Only 4 to go. Hades, Dr. Laura, Metallo, and Carrie.
Hades:{Turning red}Gah!! Good going people, you can beat up a demon who absorbs brainless people, and you can't beat brainless people with no superpowers!
Metallo: Hey, neither could the other brainless people!
Hades: Yes, and that's why we got rid of them to spare them the embarassment of losing again!
Carrie: I'm pretty sure that's not why we did it.
Hades: Okay, you mind doing less talking and more of the terrifying mind powers now? Preciate it.
Carrie:{Rolls her eyes}Fine, but I used my best material last time! They're not stupid enough to put more pig's blood on me and inspire me to do better.
Sammy:{Pause}What? Come on, even I'm not that stupid! I left that stuff back at the office anyway, so how could I be tempted?
Dr Laura: Will someone just burn these unpaid w**res already?
Lydia: Hey, now that is not appropriate for someone who claims to be a defender of decency like yourself! I could have looked up to you if you weren't an attempted murderer!
Hades: That's it!
Lydia: Well, it's not something I'm proud of now, so don't rub it in.
Hades: Not that, the thing she said!
Lydia: Now don't you start mentioning unpaid unsuitables!
Hades: No, the burn part! We've been surrounding you with the very thing that can take care of you a lot easier than we can!{Points to the ring of fire}And it's getting way too hot in here even for me....so maybe we should get going.
Loud: YOU'RE GIVING UP ALREADY?!
Hades: No....we just wanna watch the fire show.
{Hades transports himself and the other villains out of the ring of fire. At that moment, the fire begins to spread out further, heading right for the Histerians as the ring spreads out and comes closer to them}
Loud: HEY, THIS IS CHEATING!! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE TRYING TO KILL US WITH YOUR BARE HANDS AND POWERS AND STUFF!!
Metallo:{Outside of the fire}Yeah, but we're too tired to do that thanks to you guys, remember? So this will have to work for us instead.
Tom: Ooh boy, that's kind of a burn....
Froggo: It won't be the only one in a few seconds!
Loud: All right, you want us? Then go take down every single one of us by yourselves. Come on, it can't be that hard to beat people who outnumber you 7 to 1!
Dr Laura:{Pause}I wonder if my ninjas had a safe time catching a cab. Let me go and check.
Miss Info: Nothing doing there!
Metallo: I have more than enough power to handle the likes of you alone! You can't karate chop metal!
Smartypants: No, but it's not like metal is indestructable.
Metallo: I don't see any lasers coming outta those pants of yours to prove it!
Smartypants: Who says I needed something that big?
{He gets out a device that has a whole bunch of screwdrivers on it. He turns it on and the screwdrives move towards Metallo and start to unscrew the various bolts on his suit. With that, the metal suit begins to weaken and come apart}
Metallo: Stop it! I'm the one with the unfair advantage, not you!
Dr Laura: You heard him, put it down you disgusting leud man!
Miss Info: That's my "leud" man you're putting down!
{She gives a high powered kick to Dr Laura, who stumbles back and collides into Metallo, and the impact makes them both go down}
Lydia: Well, that was a rare acceptable bit of violence to a once great values woman.
Charity: Exactly...now there's just one more of those left to do.
{Cerebus barks and it's three heads try to eat the cast, but they start running away. Riding the dog, Hades has it chase after them}
Sammy: Well, this is fun!
Aka: Now even you can't really believe that!
Sammy: I didn't, I was being sarcastic! I thought you of all people would recognize that!
Aka: Sorry, I forgot while this dog was trying to bite me in two!
Hades: Oh, he hasn't bitten anyone in two in ages! You'll probably get away with being in 5 pieces if he's in a good mood!{Cerebus barks again}Okay, more like 7!
Mike: So how are we dealing with this?! The dog just got in, he's not tired from fighting other evil at all!
Harry: Any new inventions or old ones could be a help!
Smartypants: All of my ones involving big dogs are in the planning stage! And none deal with three headed ones!
Pepper: Well cutting it's heads off with a sword won't work, they'll only grow back and multiply! Ah ha, I really would hate that today!
Froggo: Wrong creature from that movie....that'd be nice if we had any swords.
{The cast runs into a parking lot, and the dog stops}
Hades: You want a rubbery little snack before the main course? Yes you do, I already know so don't bother to answer if you could talk!{Cerebus bites down on one of the cars}Feel free to spit up if you don't like it....perferably in that direction!
{The dog spits out the remains of the car, and it lands right in front of the Histerians}
Sammy: Ooh, if Plotz wasn't in some other dimension or wherever he is, that'd make him mad.
{Cerebus's three heads each chew on a car and spit it at the Histerians. None of them hit, but they pile up. As the dog chews and spits out more cars, they form a wall behind the Histerians, which soon blocks their way out and traps them}
Hades:{Advancing on them}Now then, is that all the delays I have to go through until I get what I came for?!
{Cut to Hades still lying under Cerebus, and waking up to see the Histerians surrounding them}
Charity: We got lucky on that last one, we'll give you that. But we had plenty of time to think of other ideas while you were out, and while you had your villain war.
Loud: If you really wanna keep going, we'll use that stuff and you'll either catch us, or die again trying at the rate you're going. You really wanna embarass yourself even more? Isn't this enough for one round?
Hades:{Weak}Ugh....you think that's enough to scare off the lord of the dead? I'm made of bigger guts than that! And at least I'll still have guts when this is over!!
{Hades slips away from Cerebus and lifts himself up- but we hear some bones crick and break, and he can barely stand up straight}
Hades:{Pause}Um, you really wouldn't feel right beating up someone who needs physical therapy, would you?
Aka: Maybe, but we got some resting and cleaning up to do for your mess right now.
Hades: Fair enough, till next time then.{Cerebus lifts him up and back on him}Ow, watch the ribs!{The dog walks away with Hades}
Tom: Well, that was relatively painless.
Lydia: Not for the people that have to clean this up.
Miss Info: Might as well give them the heads up before we head back home.
Sammy: And I got some....talks I gotta get into with my car dealer for....stuff.
Smartypants: I think your car is still standing in one piece.
Sammy:{Gasps}This is the greatest victory of our careers! Can we retire on this kinda high?!
{Cut to Him and his people dragging themselves off}
Plotz: My studio had better be clean by the time I'm well enough to go back there, I can tell you that.
Hannibal: I went on an eating spree to get out of jail for the 12'th time for this?
Him:{f.v}I know we did a poor job here....and we didn't even get to fight the Histerians.{Pause}But that technically means we didn't lose to them this time! We can declare this a draw and come back ready to beat them next time!
Kellner: And the part where we got beat by far inferior villains instead? We live that down how?
{Just then, Cerebus walks by with Hades still lying on him}
Hades: Will you try to walk in a way that doesn't aggravative my bunyons?! Ow, go easy with those! They'd better have a hot tub full of grime and the odd bit of gruel when I get back, or there will be home to pay!{They go off}
Him:{Pause, f.v}Well, that helps a bit, doesn't it?
Joker: Sure, for the first few weeks of rehab!
Hook: Better than how I planned to whine during that.
Him:{f.v}Yes....first cheers, then we make them jeer in their final moments of life after all! And someday very soon!{The villains laugh, but soon stop due to exhaustion or pain}Though perhaps those cheers might be best spent on a bed for a while....
Cast list (in order of appearance)
James Woods: Hades
Harry Shearer: Shadow Man
Mary Jo Pehl: Mrs. Pearl Forrester
Kelsey Grammer: Sideshow Bob
Jim Cummings: The Launcher, Dudley Puppy, Hak Fu
Malcolm McDowell: Metallo
Mr. Lawrence: Plankton
David Kaye: Megatron
Jim Carrey: Himself
Matt Stone: Evil Butters
Richard Roaper: Dick Soaper
Maurice LaMarche: The Evil Scientist (WB version), The Jolly Baker
Thomas F. Wilson: Biff Tannen
David Warner: Alpha
Hank Azaria: Moe Szyslak
Tom Kane: Him
Jamie Kellner: Himself
Frank Welker: Thaddeus Plotz, Pule Houser, Father Time
David Lodge: Puppetmon
Henry Silva: Bane
Jeff Glen Bennett: Cave-Guy, Lucky Bob, Bernie the Dinosaur
Jennifer Hale: Princess Morbucks, Seduca
Roger L. Jackson: Mojo Jojo
Jonathan Freeman: Jafar
Gilbert Gottfried: Iago
Anthony Hopkins: Hannibal Lecter
Carlos Alazraqui: Mr. Crocker
Rob Paulsen: Sammy Melman, Mr. Smartypants
Nathan Ruegger: Froggo
Tress MacNeille: Toast, World’s Oldest Woman, Cho-Cho, Pepper Mills
Laraine Newman: Charity Bazaar, Miss Information
Tom Ruegger: Himself
Cody Ruegger: Loud Kiddington
Cree Summer: Aka Pella
Sissy Spacek: Carrie White
Scott Innes: Scrappy-Doo
Ben Stein: FCC Agent 1
Billy West: FCC Agent 2
Corey Burton: Captain Hook, Chernabog
Susan Blakeslee: Maleficent, Cruella De Vil
Scottie Ray: Shredder
Kevin Murphy: Tom Servo
Michael J. Nelson: Mike Nelson
Nora Dunn: Lydia Karaoke
Harvey Atkin: King Bowser Koopa
Mark Hamill: The Joker
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Herself
Robert Dougherty: Himself
JusSonic: Himself
Eric Idle: Evil Martin
Bill Corbett: Crow T. Robot
Pat Caroll: Ursula
Ikue Ootani: Pikachu
Geoffrey Rush: Harry Norman