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We went to my mom's to do Christmas today and when we got ready to come back home, in the car he says to me "I don't want to go home". I asked why and he told me because it's messy at our house.
Aw CowGirl, so sorry. But remember that kids tend to blurt stuff out honestly. They don't always intend to hurt feelings. I know he still loves you.
I understand you are sad. But remember we are here, and we understand, and together we can clean up our homes.
from CourageouslyLion_SeekingSerenity
--- Lioness
This has happened to me a lot. I have a 27 year old and more down to a 5 year old.
When my kids said this to me, I'd agree with them, saying sometimes I don't want to go home, either.
Then I'd talk about what I liked best about the other house - things like 'I really liked getting food out of the refrigerator because it was so clean and the lightbulb worked and I could find what I wanted right away.'
'I liked that there wasn't any junk on the sofa, so I could lay down whenever I wanted without having to clear it off.'
'I liked how easy it was to clean up after I was done with something, because I knew where it came from - I didn't have to ask somebody what to do with it.'
Once I'd gotten the kid to share 3 or 4 things they really liked about the house I'd say how I wish I could make our house like that. I'd talk a little (but very briefly) about all the ways I've tried to clean up, and what went wrong, and how sometimes I just don't care anymore, it's just to hard to keep playing a game where you loose every time.
Then I'd tell him that I was sorry this problem of mine was hurting him, I never meant to make his life unhappy. And that I was glad he told me about how he felt.
Then I'd ask him if there was one place in the house he'd really like cleaned up - kitchen, T.V. room, bedroom, bathroom, whatever. And I'd tell him that I would make it a priority for me to spend X amount of time every day I could working only on that thing. I'd make a chart and write down what time of day I cleaned, how many minutes, what I accomplished. And I'd make it real - things like 'picked up stuff on the floor for a little bit, then started putting lego guys back together. Put lego guys away and gave up' Or 'cleaned everything off the sofa for the 3rd time today - I'm gonna get a chain link fence with a lock to put around that couch so nobody can dump stuff on it anymore'
The idea is to let him know how often you try, so he knows you really do love and care for him, and you let him know some of what the problem is for you. Often the kids would echo me on a whine - 'I really hate it when I hang my coat up 3 days in a row and brother won't stop dumping his bookbag in the closet and knocking my coat off the hanger'
All you need to do is too make sure that he knows you know he's unhappy, and that you are trying to fix it, and even though it's not great a few things might be getting done.
I also paid my kids to help me get started. I'd say I'd pay 25 cents to anyone who would come into the room being worked on and hang out with me until the timer dinged after 15 minutes. Some times they would pitch right in, sometimes they just whined while I cleaned, but they got an idea of what it took to fix things.
When I was really having a tough time I'd whine about them 'making' me clean up, and how mean they were to make me do something so hard. I'd really pour it on until they were giggling.
And I'd tell them that everyone gets to decide how things will be in their house when they grow up, and you are glad he noticed the difference keeping things nice makes on the way he feels. Having a nice place is something to work towards as he grows up.
I wish I could take away the hurt this kind of thing causes, but I can't. Try to remember how many other things are right about you being his mom.
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I don't have kids, so take this with a grain of salt. But it seems to me that a huge amount of the work of running a household is created by the needs of the children. As soon as they are old enough, shouldn't they be helping out, not just watching the timer? My brother, sister and I had chores that were age appropriate, as far back as I can remember.
I agree. Just like "whoever smelt it, dealt it", "whoever brings up the mess, should clean the mess". Seriously, I'd be returning his presents and getting a chore chart asap.
I'm sorry this happened, MessyCowgirl, and Eugeneboodles is just an excellent and experienced mom. I'm inclined to think that her ideas are wisest and best, but it's not how I've handled this sort of thing.
There was a very active thread about this issue - every mom among us has been where you are.
I'm also in favor of children speaking the truth, but there are just a couple of things that are NOT done in my house, because (I say, "that's not good for your little soul, there").
When a family member is working toward a positive change, other members SHOULD encourage and support that change. No complaints about grades while grades are improving. No disparaging remarks about the state of the house while the state of the house is improving.
How else do children learn to root for others, particularly others who are weak? If they cannot be kind and empathetic with their own mothers whom they love so much, how will they treat the thousands of vets coming home now with brain injuries, etc.?
This idea has practical, everyday applications as far as surviving squalor goes. About 8 years ago, I visited a home and was appalled that the husband wanted the wife to stop doing dishes; the noise bothered him. Ever since then, long before I slipped into squalor, we've had a rule in our house that no one ever complains about the noises that cleaning makes.
Maybe it's TRUE that the noise of my dishwashing is inconveniencing someone. Maybe it's TRUE that your son would rather stay at grandma's.
The truth is important, but hurting mom's feelings is not good for a child's little soul, in my opinion. That's the kind of thing that haunts a kid if mama is suddenly not there any more.
That's my take on it. I'd rather my children remember being awesome and encouraging and loving during this time than they remember themselves being mean to mom.
what an opportunity. you can tell your kid - yes i have a problem and i'm going to work on getting it solved. this teaches your kid that we all have problems and the only way to go is up. then when you've conquered your hoarding you and your kid can celebrate problem solved.
Good gravy I love this Inga. I really do like the idea of a child being comfortable enough to speak their heart - but I think it's crucial for them to make the connection that if you feel the need to say something disparaging, you need to be willing to step up and make the situation better.
As others have said, this may be a blessing in disguise. This could be an opportunity to make your house a family project rather than a "mom fixes it" project.
Remember too that the messy may feel different to your son than it does to you. Maybe the best question to ask when he says it's messy is "what can WE do to make it better?"
About a month ago ds18 was having friends over for his birthday, and I asked what we most needed to change about the house, so he wouldn't be embarrassed...he said, stuff! Look around, Mom, there is stuff everywhere!
The paint on the outside of the house is peeling, and there are many other embarrassing things about this place...to him it was my piles of stuff. It felt pretty bad to hear that from him, and not just realize my messiness affects the kids, but he is specifically bothered by too much stuff.
I asked him about a week ago if the house seemed better to him, and he had forgotten the "too much stuff" conversation. And he did have his party, and the house was much improved, and all the kids seemed to have fun.
I'm sorry your son hurt your feelings. I know you are working on it, so maybe he is picking up from you that you all have the goal of getting to cleanliness. You CAN do this, 15 minutes at a time! Be sure your ds is part of the solution....my kids did great at throwing away some videos, and packing a few away "for my grandchildren" (someday). We got rid of some children's books, too. It can be done, and it feels good when it is happening. My home still has clutter, and honestly it will always be a challenge to get it and keep it clean. But we can all succeed at this...including you!
I think kids hurt us the most. They just don't think before they speak. I remember saying a lot of things that I wish I could take back to this day.
So sorry this happened. Just chalk it up to childhood.
((((hugs)))) 3G
What a strong little one you have there! Sounds like you raised a brave and articulate youngster, and don't ever lose sight of that! You are so lucky that he feels comfortable enough with you to tell you exactly what's bothering him, instead of holding it inside, letting it build up and come out as dysfunctional behavior sometime later.
Well, nothing like hearing the truth from the mouthes of babes, eh? Maybe this will become the one spark of motivation to really push that cleanup project out of the planning phase and into accomplishment!
Just keep thinking about how happy both he (and you!) will be when all the clutter is gone, all the dirt is cleaned up, and all the remaining useful things are put up in their place!
Which of the following are preferable to what occurred.
1) Your son withholds his feelings from you and keeps them inside his heart because he is scared to tell you how he really feels. The stress that he expressed begins to find a different outlet.
2) Your son tells someone else about how it hurts to leave a clean place and return home.
3) You acknowledge your sons feelings and open a line of communication with him that you may or may not ever have a chance to open again.
Aw, shucks. My son and I talk all the livelong day about what is in our hearts, for heaven's sake. We also are polite and respectful to each other and support each other's accomplishments. It is perfectly possible to have a family in which each member has the others' backs, despite the fact that all humans have frailties as well as strengths.
I really don't get what the options post by Drummer Boy was about. I truely don't.
I wouldn't say ds really hurt my feelings. I felt awful because it bothered him more then I realized. I felt awful that he has to deal with the messiness.
I do not and have never discouraged him from being honest. However, he does know some things are not acceptable such as saying so and so is fat or saying "I hate you".
We had already had plans to clean his room this week. Because he doesn't have school and I only work a couple days. I would like to get the house done in the next couple weeks before school starts.
Not sure how or if quotes work on this board, sooooooo
MessyCowgirl said:
I do not and have never discouraged him from being honest. However, he does know some things are not acceptable such as saying so and so is fat or saying "I hate you".
MC, this was sort of what I was trying to say before and probably didn't get out clearly. Not sure I'll have much better luck now!
A couple years ago my neighbor who was 4 at the time said I was fat. Keep in mind this boy is one of my favorite people in the world - and I think I'm one of his faves too! His saying I was fat wasn't a putdown in his eyes. It was merely an observation. He was quite right -- I AM fat. His mom turned about 7 shades of red when he said it and it gave his mom a good opportunity to have a conversation with him. His comment that "the house is messy" may just mean that he can't find a favorite toy and not that the whole house upsets him.
It sounds like you have some really great solid plans for the week. I'm sure you and DS are going to have a special time making your house feel better for both of you. Wishing you both every success this week!
