I truly wish i could take away your pain...it is a pain i once felt...I too had bad memories of christmas pasts...but with my kids I think i was able to find happiness in it.
I have a suggestion, and i may be terribly wrong-and i dont mean to make light of how awful your childhood was... but you could empower yourself over those cookies. Its just a thought i had when i reading what you wrote. Because now that YOU are in control of your life, and there is no one that is going to condem or hurt you for how hey look or how they taste, YOU have the power to make that memory go away and replace it with HAPPY memories of baking with your children. I use to remember horrid things associated with cooking- messes, burning the food, and the switchings that came along with it...but now, i love to cook and i love to have my children bake with me...they make messes and its never quite perfect, but i see the love in their eyes when we share this activity and there is no one that is going to hurt me for there being more flour on the floor than in the cookies(and there ALWAYS is cause Daniel loves flour and looks like a ghost when we are done). Soooo maybe actually doing the baking might free you from the horrible memories and replace with memories of smiles and laughter and love...i wish it would be so.
I loved your description of the tree...Daniel also seems to love to "feel" the treem seems to want to be "in" it. He lays under it and stares up thru the branches...
I think you should make him bring back the children on Christmas Day. You have the right to be with your kids, and they have the need to be with you on Christmas...there should be a sharing of the holidays and letting one parent have all the days is not fair to the other or to the children, in my opinion.
I will keep you in my prayers so that you may learn to forget the bad memories of this season(and all year too) and replace them with happy thoughts. Peace be with you...we are here for ya!
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