A young boy went to his father and asked: "Why do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?"
His father thought for a minute and said: "Son, they don't, some start with 'If I am elected, I promise...' and others start with 'I promise that if I am elected...'"
Received from BROOKSBY1.
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The following are actual quotes from Texas politicians:
Texas Rep. Joe Salem speaking on an amendment requiring all revenues to go into the state treasury: "It just makes good sense to put all your eggs in one basket."
Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower: "Ain't nothin' in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead armadillos."
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis to a group of handicapped people in wheelchairs: "And now, will y'all stand and be recognized?"
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GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL (TM)
Dear Special Interest,
Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Government Official (TM). With regular maintenance your Government Official (TM) should provide you with a lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential legislation and other fine services. Before you begin using your product, we would appreciate it if you would take the time to fill out this customer service card. This information will not be sold to any other party,
and will be used solely to aid us in better fulfilling your future needs in political influence.
1. Which of our fine products did you buy?
* President
* Vice-President
* Senator
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* Governor
* Cabinet Secretary - Commerce
* Cabinet Secretary - Other
* Other Elected Official (please specify) _________________
* Other Appointed Official (please specify) _________________
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* TV ad
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* Shared jail cell with
* Former partner of
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* Recommended by organized crime figure
* Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories (on Internet)
* Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories (elsewhere)
* Spoke at fundraiser at my temple
* Solicited bribe from me
* Attempted to seduce me
3. How do you expect to use your Government Official (TM)?
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* Obtain lucrative government contracts
* Have my prejudices turned into law
* Obtain diplomatic concessions
* Obtain trade concessions
* Have embargo lifted from own nation/ally
* Have embargo imposed on enemy/rival nation/religious infidels
* Obtain patronage job for self/spouse/mistress
* Forestall military action against self/allies
* Instigate military action against internal enemies/aggressors/targets for future conquest
* Impede criminal/civil investigation of self/associates/spouse
* Obtain pardon for self/associates/spouse
* Inflict punitive legislation on class enemies/rivals/hated ethnic groups
* Inflict punitive regulation on business competitors/environmental exploiters/capitalist pigs
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* Performance of currently owned model
* Reputation
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* Professed beliefs of Government Official (TM)
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* Blackmail
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If you answered "yes," please indicate your reason(s) for changing models.
* Excessive operating/maintenance costs.
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* Defect in current model:
* Dead
* Senile
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* Switched parties/beliefs
* Outbribed by competing interest
Thank you for your valuable time. Always remember: in choosing a Government Official (TM) you have chosen the best politician money can buy.
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A. C. Greene: "Dallas salutes a person who can buy a piece of art, but not a person who can create one."
Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower when told that Texas Governor Bill Clements had been studying Spanish: "Oh good. Now he'll be bi-ignorant."
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis defending himself against the charge that he would personally profit from a bill he had introduced: "I'd just make a little bit of money, I wouldn't make a whole lot."
Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower discussing President George Bush's policies: "If ignorance ever goes to $40 a barrel, I want drillin' rights on that man's head."
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis during a budget hearing: "I move we recess to go outside and throw up."
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis: "There's a lot of uncertainty that's not clear in my mind."
Don Rottenberg: "There are still places where people think that the function of the media is to provide information."
Received from Off the Church Walls mailing list
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And finally, a post from another ASD mailing list submitted by parents of a young boy on the spectrum:
<< Every time David sees the President on TV, he yells, 'Dumbya Bush! Count votes!'
We think he is going to be a Democrat. >>
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