New Drugs

(oh boy, even jokes are becoming pharmaceutical...)

ST. MOM'S WORT Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

E m p t y N e s t r o g e n Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P e p t o b i m b o Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

D u m e r o l When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. Causing enjoyment of country western music.

F l i p i t o r Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

A n t i b o y o t i c s When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

M e n i c i l l i n Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"

B u y a g r a Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-One-all When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

J a c k A s s p i r i n Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

A n t i-t a l k s i d e n t A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

S e x c e d r i n More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.

R a g a m e t When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself

D a m i t o l* Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.