Last year I got my wife a mother's day gift that left her speechless. In fact, she didn't speak to me for three weeks.
What did Noah say as he was loading the Ark?
Now I herd everything. --The Placebo Page
Wry bread: The loaf with the crooked smile.
Copper Nitrate- What policemen get paid for working
overtime in the evening.
The Indian: "How do I love thee? Without reservation."
I'm Going to Graduate on Time, No Matter How Long It Takes!
NEBRASKA: At least the cows are sane.
God must love stupid people...He made SO many.
Can I buy jumper cables for my VISA card that won't
hold a charge? -Lawrence Brotherton
A note left for a pianist from his wife: "Gone Chopin,
have Liszt, Bach in a Minuet." -Bad Puns
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Is it necessary to possess special "gifts" of premonitions to be able to watch ESPN? --Lawrence Brotherton
Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen.
I have never had premonitions, but one day I think I will. --Lawrence Brotherton
Confucius say man who sink into womans arms soon have arms in woman's sink.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
Be realistic. Plan for a miracle.....
Money does not talk. It just goes without saying.
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken!
Why is a good writer like a criminal? Because they both prefer short sentences. --Richard Crasta
"I am writing the definitive history of music. I was wondering if you had any information about the first musical scores?" "The first musical score was: Mozart 9 Haydn 3"
We were going to destroy your civilization but then figured, "If it ain't fixed, why break it."
I don't understand the uproar over gas prices, I just put $10 worth into my truck and it didn't cost any more than it usually does. Some people drink at the fountain of knowledge, others just gargle.
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
Is a computer virus covered by Medicare?
Some people work up steam and some only generate a fog.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
Why is it the loudest snorer is always the first one
to get to sleep.
I took a part time job as an opinion poll sampler. On
my very first call, I introduced myself, "Hello, this is a telephone poll."
A perfectionist: A person who can't enjoy Tchaikovsky's music without knowing how to spell his name.
In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
Someday, hon, we'll look back on this mortgage and laugh. Thirty years from now, to be exact.
Doctor to patient: You should consider leaving the IRS. I don't get a heartbeat anymore.
Thank you for holding. This call may be monitored for
quality purposes. Of course, if we really cared about
quality we'd hire more people to answer the phone.
I'm sorry, Frank. As of this moment there's no room in
my life for someone who doesn't put mustard on a hotdog.
I just threatened to run away, you don't have to
pack my bags, mom!
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