More funnies

When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car or the wife is new.

~~~~~

Ducking into confession with a turkey under his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?"

"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."

"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"

"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."

Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.

When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.

~~~~~

During a friendly argument, my husband asked me why I married him in the first place. "I was just stupid," I teased. When he said he was happy to hear that, I requested an explanation.

"People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."

~~~~~

A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.

A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"

A woman with shortness of breath and who weighed approximately 500 lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the lady her asthma inhaler fell out of the folds of her Breast.

~~~~~

PENTAGON - Riddle me this, Batman. If you do not know the exact location of something as powerful as say...a lost HYDROGEN BOMB, but you never actually recovered it, how can you say it is safe? This is what Pentagon officials are saying about a 3450kg explosive that has supposedly been lying off the coast of Georgia since February 5, 1958. The bomb was reportedly lost after being jettisoned from a damaged B-47 Stratojet bomber during a training exercise. Documents reveal the search was called off when another hydrogen bomb was accidentally dropped near Florence, South Carolina. Officials claim the bomb is safe because the detonator had been removed. This has been challenged by former servicemen and residents, who have discovered documents stating it was armed. Mayor Walter Parker summed it up best by stating: "It's in the best interest of everybody that it be found to determine what condition the weapon is in."

~~~~~

HOLLYWOOD - Several months ago we reported that Academy Award-winning actress Angelina Jolie wears a pendant containing blood from her actor husband Billy Bob Thornton. Most readers were willing to forgive her eccentricity because of her status as a "major hottie." But this time she may have gone too far. The couple recently celebrated their first wedding anniversary and exchanged unique gifts. Jolie bought his and hers cemetery plots in Alpine, Arkansas, which are reportedly next to Thornton's brother who died when he was 30. In return, Thornton had a nurse draw some of his blood and painted some pictures in it for his wife. He told the London Telegraph, "We're not the types to give each other candy or a bunch of flowers." Only in Hollywood...

~~~~~

A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will:

'To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million.'

The lawyer continued, 'To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million.'

The lawyer concluded, 'And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you're wrong. Hi Dan!'