A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist says: "The measurement wasn't accurate." The Biologist concludes: "They have reproduced." The Mathematician says: "Now if another person enters the house, it'll be empty again."
~~~~~
Rules to live by for computer users from the Tech Support Department:
1. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
2. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. It's nothing for us to remember 3,000 screen saver passwords.
3. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and Popsicle art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
5. Don't put your phone extension in your e-mails to the help desk. We need to keep an eye on the address book performance.
6. When I.T. support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing the public groups.
7. When an I.T. person is eating lunch in his cube, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
8. When an I.T. person is having a smoke outside, ask him a computer question. The only reason why we smoke at all is to ferret out those clients who don't have e-mail or a telephone line.
9. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
10. When you call an I.T. person's direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual greeting that says he's out of town for a week, record your message and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an email straight to the director because no one ever returned your call. You're entitled to common courtesy.
~~~~~
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a huge forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!"
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
~~~~~
The company I work for offers tours through the historic district of Anapolis, MD, led by guides dressed in Colonial clothing. While leading a group, one of our guides, Dave, tripped and fell, breaking his wrist.
He went to the hospital, and as he sat in the emergency room, a policeman walked by. Doing a double-take at Dave in his 18th century garb, he asked, "Just how long have you been waiting?"
~~~~~
Men VS. Women
MEN AND WOMEN COMPARED NICKNAMES: If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, comb, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
~~~~~
"You know what's the worst thing about being the best man at a wedding? You never get a chance to prove it!" -Unknown
"ABC News says Americans spend $300 billion every year on games of chance, and that doesn't even include weddings and elections." --Argus Hamilton
"When my mother makes out her income tax return every year, under occupation she writes in, 'Eroding my daughter's self-esteem.'" -Robin Roberts
~~~~~
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a fine Japanese hotel.
Room Service (RS): Morny. Ruin sorbees.
Guest (G): Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.
RS: Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??
G: Uh, yes... I'd like some bacon and eggs.
RS: Ow July den?
G: What?
RS: Ow July den? Pry, boy, pooch?
G: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.
RS: Ow July dee bayhcem--crease?
G: Crisp will be fine.
RS: Hokay. An san tos?
G: What?
RS: San tos. July San tos?
G: I don't think so
RS: No? Judo one toes??
G: I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what "judo one toes means."
RS: Toes! toes! Why djew don juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?
G: English muffin! I've got it! You were saying "Toast." Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.
RS: We bother?
G: No, just put the bother on the side.
RS: Wad?
G: I mean butter--just put it on the side.
RS: Copy?
G: Sorry?
RS: Copy, tea, mill?
G: Yes. Coffee please, and that's all.
RS: One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy--rye?
G: Whatever you say.
RS: Tendjewberrymud.
G: You're welcome.
~~~~~
The following was overheard at a recent high society party...
"My ancestry goes all the way back to Alexander the Great," said one lady. She then turned to a second woman and asked, "How far does your family go back?"
"I don't know," was the reply. "All of our records were lost in the flood."
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