Humor (mildly risque)
Armenian Mother!
A young Armenian man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and
that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Mom, I'm going
to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to
marry." The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits
them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Mom, guess which one I'm going to marry." She
immediately replies, "The one on the right." "That's amazing, Mom.
You're right. How did you know?"
The Armenian mother replies, "I don't like her. She is getting on my nerves already."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Subject: hair dryer
A distinguished young woman on a flight from
Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father,
may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair
dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and
well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll
confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it
through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn
you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question
you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go
ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to
declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have
nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked,
"And what do you have to declare from your waist to
the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used
on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead,
Father." Next!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Subject: Lil' ol' Ladies
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a
smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom,
cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what
brand of condom she prefers.
"It doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Father
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman
waving at him. She says, "hello." He's rather taken aback because he can't
place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she
replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind
travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and
says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love
to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner
whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
"No, I'm your son's teacher."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
WOMAN'S LOVE POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed.
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind.
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
MAN'S LOVE POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down....by David Letterman
10 . The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..
6. Elvis is leaving the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.
And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....
1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.
|