Edna is going to be released in about 2 weeks. She's really different. She's the aunt everyone has...she's the head of the PTA....she's the waitress at that one place.....she's the church lady......she's the librarian.....
Anybody got some ideas and jokes for a Red Hat lady? Need some new ones.
September 22 2008, 8:48 AM
I could see her as a "tough old bird" waitress from a coffee shop or diner talking about her customers.
Take a walk on the wild side!
September 22 2008, 9:10 AM
Steve, can women do male vent voices? Obviously, some male vents do female characters. Thanks.
Re: Take a walk on the wild side!
September 22 2008, 10:10 AM
Nina Conti does a great male voice for Monk...
September 22 2008, 11:28 AM
I did a search for red hat jokes and the site that came up saying red hat joke book immediately started trying to download something onto my computer. It also had a pop up window that said it was from Microsoft and I had a virus, etc. I didn't trust it at all, so I closed and that took several efforts. Just a warning for those searching for red hat jokes.
Deep Voiced Edna (men doing women)
September 22 2008, 11:50 AM
I would give Edna a very low voice like a smoker... like Chris Farley did with this character...
I would have her shoosh the audience if they get too loud. A habit she picked up during her 38 years as a librarian.
Old lady jokes from Nina Cooper + Tony Borders
September 22 2008, 4:44 PM
Old lady jokes by Tony Borders (Ninas are below):
G: That reminds me of my late husband.
T: When did he die?
G: He hasnt died yet. Hes just always late. Come to think of it, hes late for that too!
G: I buried my husband last winter.
T: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know. I hadn't heard that he died.
G: I never said he died.
T: To what do you owe your long life?
G: I owe most of it to the mortgage company, and the doctor, and the bank
G: I made out my will the other day. And I can tell you, youre not in it!
T: Thats fine. I have everything I need.
G: How are you going to take care of yourself?
T: What do you mean?
G: Youre a grown man and you still play with dolls. What are you going to do for a living?
T: Im a ventriloquist!
G: That doesnt answer the question! (pause) Whos going to support you when Im gone?
T: Who do you think is supporting YOU?
G: (Looks at feet.) My stockings!
G: I have a doctors appointment. I need a prescription for high blood pressure.
T: Do you have high blood pressure?
G: No, I NEED it. Look at these arms. They just kind of hang there. (slow motion efforts to move them. Shaking of head to show strain, etc.) The other day I was knitting a shawl. I dropped a stitch and couldnt pick it up!
G: Do you go to church?
T: Yes. I go to church religiously.
G: (Pause.) Is there any other way?
T: Why do you ask?
G: Theres something I do every week at church and I was wondering if you could take my place this week.
T: Sure. Glad to help. What do you do every week?
G: I pay my tithes. Thank you for volunteering!
G: Do you recycle?
T: Yes, I do. Its very important.
G: Well, when its my time to go I want you to recycle me.
T: Anything particular in mind?
G: I want to come back as a Barbie doll!
T: Did you know that youve already been recycled?
G: I have?
G: What was I before?
T: You were an old pillow.
G: Thats me! An old softie!
G: Im a lot like old cheese.
T: You mean that you get better with age?
G: No. Im a little hard around the edges.
FROM NINA COOPER:
Gpa "You know, I feel absolutely awful, but I can't for the life of
me remember your name."
Gma "Well, don't feel so bad" replied the other, "I can't remember it
myself half the time."
One Saturday, as I was finishing the dinner dishes, Grandpa stepped up
behind me. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.
Not even turning around, I quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love
His question had actually been directed to the family dog,
lying near my feet on the kitchen floor.
Cop that pulled you over for speeding...
He said, when he first saw you....75 at least...
-Well I told him he was wrong....it was just the hat I was wearing that
made me look old.
"Old" is when your friends compliment you on your new
alligator shoes...and you're barefoot.
"Old" is when your doctor doesn't give you x-rays
anymore but just holds you up to the light.
What did GOD say after HE created man? - I can do better than
You know you're getting old when:
When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out ... and
it stays out.
You look both ways before crossing a room
-I heard the Wendles are splitting up after 27 years of marriage...What
would drive them to do that?
- 27 years of marriage....
from E. Sweeny (CC's navy friend)
I want to go back to the time when.....................
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!"
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly."
Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
Being old, referred to anyone over 30.
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb.
Having a weapon in school, meant being caught with a slingshot.
Nobody was prettier than Mom.
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big
rides at the amusement park.
Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."
Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.
No shopping trip was complete, unless a new toy was brought home.
"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
War was a card game.
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a
Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest
Nina Cooper xo
Re: Edna Voice
September 22 2008, 6:49 PM
The voice I use now for my Red Hat lady is a cross between Julia Childs and Mrs. Doubtfire. It is easy for me to do and clear sounding. I like the idea of the lower smoker's voice. I heard a lady that had such a voice at a yard sale yesterday.I'm going to play with it and see what happens.
September 22 2008, 8:13 PM
Just make sure that people don't think you are just a man who can't talk like a woman.
Lines for Edna
September 24 2008, 9:24 PM
Here are a few lines that might work with Edna.
Every time I hear that dirty word "Exercise" I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I'm still "HOT" it just comes in flashes/
Life is short. Make fun of it.
I'm only as strong as the coffee I drink, the hairspray I use and the friends I have.
Me and you is friends.
You smile,I smile
You hurt, I hurt
You cry, I cry
You jump off a bridge
I'm gonna miss your E-Mails.
September 26 2008, 9:30 PM
Great lines guys! Really good stuff!
Keep them coming
October 31 2008, 10:07 AM
Hey writers..... Keep the idea for Edna coming there are lots of people reading your jokes and routine ideas here. Thanks. Ax
October 31 2008, 11:39 AM
I like the use of "What more could you want, Honey?" That would be a good catch phrase for her.
E: I just got back from the beauty parlor. I needed a little color added to my hair. Next door there was a manicurist, so I stopped in there as well. In fact, I try a new place every week.
V: Doesn't that get expensive?
E: Not really. I only go to places that advertise, "Satisfaction guaranteed!" When they're done I find something to complain about and they don't charge me! So I get all these free facials, hairdos, massages...What more could you want, Honey!
E: I have a whole cabinet filled with beauty supplies. Lotions, oils, mud... you name it and I've tried it.
V: Does any of it work?
E: Well, of course it does! Just look at me! What more could you want, Honey?
V: Have you found a favorite brand?
E: I tried a facial mask. You just mix a powder in some water and put it on and let it dry. Then when you peel it off it takes away the dead skin. One time my husband was working on something and he used an old container to measure his cement powder. I thought it was my facial mask and I mixed it with water and put it on. It took off every dead skin cell I had!
More from Tony
November 15 2008, 5:48 AM
Edna sounds off
November 12 2008 at 10:48 AM Tony Borders
I recently received an e-mail from Axtell's newest puppet, Edna. I thought I would pass on her words of wisdom.
How are you and the family? I have yet to meet that wife of yours which you keep bragging about. I've been told that she is beautiful, intelligent, and a hard worker. I guess opposites really do attract!
Have you had any luck on finding a job yet or do you still let the puppets support you? I'm all for getting support. If I want to do ANYTHING I need someone to lend me a hand. Even my stockings have support.
The weather here has been beautiful! Ventura is pretty much guaranteed to have beautiful weather. If it rains more than an inch somebody's house slides off into the ocean. It's a great place to retire, but I do try to stay out of the sun. I use Armor All for sunblock every few months. I haven't had a new wrinkle all year!
You said that your kids are inside all the time, playing on the computer. You only have yourself to blame for that. What do I mean? When they were born you put the lock up high on the sliding glass door so they couldn't go outside. Before you went to the park you would go to the internet to check the smog level for the day. After arriving at the park you told them to be careful of strangers, because you would hate to have them kidnapped. You bought them a bicycle and made them wear safety helmets, knee pads, elbow pads, and steel toed shoes. Then you made them sign a waiver!
When they asked about walking down the block to a friend's house you told them you wouldn't be able to go for another hour to see that they made it safely.
You keep a spray can of mace by the foot of the door for strangers or dogs.
Your milk cartons show photos of kids that went outside and never returned.
And you wonder why the children won't go outside to play?
November 16 2008, 2:35 PM
When people start laughing, have her yell "I'm not dead yet!"
November 17 2008, 10:46 PM
Put Edna in a Red Hat with white fur trim and have a skit about the Red Hat Society. However, all of the kids think she's Mrs. Claus!