I recently received an e-mail from Axtell's newest puppet, Edna. I thought I would pass on her words of wisdom.

Dear Tony,

How are you and the family? I have yet to meet that wife of yours which you keep bragging about. I've been told that she is beautiful, intelligent, and a hard worker. I guess opposites really do attract!

Have you had any luck on finding a job yet or do you still let the puppets support you? I'm all for getting support. If I want to do ANYTHING I need someone to lend me a hand. Even my stockings have support.

The weather here has been beautiful! Ventura is pretty much guaranteed to have beautiful weather. If it rains more than an inch somebody's house slides off into the ocean. It's a great place to retire, but I do try to stay out of the sun. I use Armor All for sunblock every few months. I haven't had a new wrinkle all year!

You said that your kids are inside all the time, playing on the computer. You only have yourself to blame for that. What do I mean? When they were born you put the lock up high on the sliding glass door so they couldn't go outside. Before you went to the park you would go to the internet to check the smog level for the day. After arriving at the park you told them to be careful of strangers, because you would hate to have them kidnapped. You bought them a bicycle and made them wear safety helmets, knee pads, elbow pads, and steel toed shoes. Then you made them sign a waiver!

When they asked about walking down the block to a friend's house you told them you wouldn't be able to go for another hour to see that they made it safely.

You keep a spray can of mace by the foot of the door for strangers or dogs.
Your milk cartons show photos of kids that went outside and never returned.

And you wonder why the children won't go outside to play?

Love,
Edna

Benjamin Franklin nominated the turkey as our national bird. Instead we chose the proud eagle, who stands with his head held high, even if he's bald.

I was just wondering what we would eat for Thanksgiving if the turkey were the national bird, and thereby illegal to kill. Would we also be overrun by turkeys on our highways? (We already are, you say?) Would our coins show the engraving of a turkey holding a shield with it's stars and stripes in its beak?

A backwoodsman was stopped by a game warden while he was hunting turkey for his Thanksgiving dinner. The warden asked to see what was in the canvas bag, and was shocked to see an eagle!
"That's not a turkey! That's an eagle!"
Woodsman: "It is? Imagine that! Here all these years I thought this was a wild turkey."
Warden: You've eaten eagles before?
Woodsman: Every thanksgiving! But, honest, Warden! I thought this was a turkey! You aren't going to arrest me are you?
Warden: I suppose not. If you don't mind me asking, what do they taste like?
Woodsman: Hmmm. They're sort of a cross between a spotted owl and a California Condor.