If you're willing to give me your jokes, I have a friend who is a comedy preacher, mostly for prisons. He dresses up like an older country bumpkin, retired from making coffins and outhouses. "When you gotta go, we're here for you."

I had a thought, and not much more, while cleaning out the fridge.

"I stopped off at a restaurant that advertises...11 secret herbs and spices. My wife loves to cook for church potlucks and folks are always asking for her recipes. But they come back and say, "I just cain't git it to taste like your'n does." (Pronounced Yohr ehn, not the other way.) She tells them, I do have a secret. Her secret is that she uses outdated ingredients. One year she made a batch of home made apple cider, but very few people seemed to care for it. The next year she brought the rest of that very same batch to the church Valentine party and they loved it! Folks came back on Sunday and swore that the party had renewed their marriage!

How many of y'all have someone in your house that thinks the expiration date is merely a suggestion? Or they forget to look at the YEAR. "Well, this says it's good until June!" "June of 2007, Ma!"

My mama used to say, "Who can eat the rest of this cottage cheese?" as she dumped it on my plate.
"But, Mama, I'm full. Save it for tomorrow."
"There's just a little bit." (It only covered 1/3 of my plate.) "And it's getting kind of ripe."

She'd say, "Does anybody need penicillin? I'm fixin to slice the cheese."

Mama always took care of us. On those occasions when we had to go to the hospital for food poisoning she'd always have something ready when we got home. "Now eat. You have got to be hungry after having your stomach pumped."

Mama said that "Saving food is ___________. And it saves time too. Why Mildred next door is always planting carrots and onions and potatoes. Lookie here in the veggie bin. I already got the roots a' growin!"

I'm just telling you this so the next time you see a restaurant that says, "Home cookin' jist like Mama used ta make!" You can run!

BORDER's caskets are real fine, made of sandalwood and pine.
If your loved one has to go, call 268- Thousand-Oh.

Now use your pitch pipe and sing this ditty to that old hymn The Rock of Ages.
The Mick culture has many jokes about fading to black and moving on to that land of hope and glory one hears of. These,however are usually taboo in cultures which equate talking of death as equivalent to dying.
Tony, what kind of performances venue does your prison missionary perform in? Is it in an auditorium or is it for smaller audiences? Ron

That depends on your definition of small. The average audiences range from 50 to 300.

Small but it's a captive audience.
Ax

He is likely to have CEO's and bank presidents in the audience dressed in pen striped suits.

Straight Jackets and Law Suits too

definitely a captive-ated audience...
The only place where the audience's sentences are longer than the figures...
Only audience where there's more screws in the audience than in the vent figure...

The only Place where your timing is shorter then the audience's
The only place where having a stiff upper lip is caused not practiced

Thanks for the prison jokes guys. I really am looking for more material on the food jokes posted above. Food supplements? Additives? But I'm enjoying your "free" thinking on the captive audience.

Did you hear that they are planning to take away prisoners' cell phones? How can they do that? Prisoners INVENTED the cell phone!

My niece told me that she is getting married. "You'll just love him, Uncle Tony. He's a lot like you!"
I said, "When will the wedding be?" She said that depended on the parole board.

California discovered that it spends $60,000 per year to incarcerate a prisoner. It only spends $30,000 to educate a college student. They have decided to send all of the prisoners to college to save money.

"McPhee, (had to make him Irish, eh?) you have two packages. One's from your lawyer and one's from your mother."
Great!
"So what's your lawyer say?"
He is going to help me file a petition.
"What about your mother?"
She sent me something to file a partition!